Psalm 39

"We are merely moving shadows,
and all our busy rushing ends in nothing.
We heap up wealth,
not knowing who will spend it.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope?
My only hope is in you."
-Psalm 39:6-7

Nothing is ever what it seems it will be.
Things rise and fall.
Spinning, falling hurting and breaking apart.
Crashing against this cold world
and pain is the reward for trying.



"The more the world puts in my mouth
The more I feel like throwing up
Found the way to freedom and I'm opening the door
The more they tell me how to care
The more and more I'm giving up
Afraid of God and life and death, I'm not afraid anymore

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you

There's a fire on the flag that makes you who you are
And I think my mask is starting to slip
And now that everything's breaking down
I think I'm getting a grip

There's a hole in the fabric of my sanity
And it's getting big enough to see through
And on the other side of losing my mind
I think I'm going to see you"



Choosing to love.
Choosing to believe.
All in the light of how short life is, how little time we have, how much pain it will cause...requires a level of insanity.
To think love can be found, had and kept in this swirling chaos of broken hatred is pure madness...but a madness I choose to accept.

My mind, soul and ingrained habits tell me trying is futile.
To believe and hope is failure.
To try and pointless.
I am tired of being afraid.
I am tried of trying to handle all of this alone.
In some stupid misguided attempt at whatever.


"Believing in love, believing in hope
Surrendering all of my will
Believing in nothing is scary
Believing in something is scarier still"