Enter the ICHC online Poker Cats Contest!
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Boom
Something I have always wondered about is why I am so sick so often. it isn't that I am the most healthy person, it is just I see people who's concept of healthiness is utter trash and yet they are not as sick as me. I won't bother saying that isn't fair because life is not but it is a frustrating thought all the same.
Another bothersome tidbit is the fact I can sleep about six-ten hours a night and still wake up completely exhausted and hurting. Isn't sleep supposed to fix some of that? Instead I get bizarre dreams that just remind me that I hate being asleep almost as much as I sometimes hate being awake. Well, not that I hate life per say, it is just there are some aspects of life I would be happy without.
Work I am looking at you with an angry glare and a desire to see you die the horrible death you deserve.
It is frustrating to be working a job to get 'experince' and nothing else. I am barely making a positive influx of cash and I am expected to work so hard for what is nothing better then a fast food job salary. I am not even sure how I got roped into this annoyingly stupid cycle.
Something else annoying, adults acting like childrean. That has been the hallmark of my life. Besides making me feel like God has a rather annoying sense of humor this has been nothing more then a nuisance. I freely admit I am being judgmental. It is frustrating growing up and being able to actually consider yourself more mature then the people you live with, simply because you are not the only screaming at others because of a selfish need to control (makes me think of a baby) or someone so addicted to chemicals that they make asininery seem like a talent (almost like one of the more annoying ninth graders I have had to watch at school). God, why the Hell do you have to have a marriage license but there cannot be some actual kind of regulation for people being allowed to raise or watch children?
It makes me physical sick to think that I have actually had a good life compared to a lot of people and the pain they go through. It makes enraged to think that so much time is wasted over such pointless emotions and feelings...I hate these memories and feelings and everything that goes with it.
Like a sulking child I wish God would just give me the complete silence and void of nothing that my immature and animal desires want. To be kept safe from all the messy entanglements and painful potential happy trappings of the word love. To be freed from the grating voices and demands of people just as lost and confused as me but are such egotistical asses that they instead flaunt about as if they are some pretty peacock we should fall down and worship.
I am repulsed by ego, by self righteous flaunting about, as if it some kind of a right. You know what, I annoy myself for the exact same reasons! It is annoying to be the ultimate example of what you resent and hate most in life! I am more immature and more imbecilic then any of the people I rant about.
I am more angry, more immature, more easily agitated, less able to mask my pain, less caring, more apt to get hurt, more open to being misled, more quick to trust the worse possible people, more quick to want to slam my head against the wall, quite likely to shove my head into a pillow to scream profanity, unable to trust people, unable to want and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, despising the term love and everything connected with it, I am barely able to suppress my mad laughing whenever I hear anyone make the rashly stupid statement that I live with my 'family', I hate those different from me, I have problems with accepting differences in myself, I am vastly insecure, I hate that clothing store and wish God would burn the place down, I am tired, I am sick, I still deal with depression, I hate being in the same room with 'family', I hate hearing their sounds, their presence, hearing them call my name, feeling like I am nothing more then a burden that would better off never having been born, I hate the fact I do not know how to love these people, I hate feeling so isolated from the world, I hate being so immature, so quick to judge, I hate how I forget that other people exist outside of me, I am sick to death of feeling feelings and desires that make absolutely no sense, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear some kind of reference to 'dad' or 'father', I hate how I ramble on like this, I hate using the word 'I' so much in every little thing I write, It is quite disgusting to me that I can't put others before me, I desire to love but I never follow through, I am tired of being in a band that can never do anything, I am sick of not being able to play bass like I know I can, I hate my sub par writing skills that do nothing but attempt to duplicate something I have recently read, I hate how all I seem to do is complain, I hate being under this black veil of pain and death all the time, I despise the fact that I have to mask myself in lies and fake smiles just so I can make it through the day and not feel like I am a burden, I do not like being insincere, I hate lying through my teeth just so I can make it through certain times, I hate sexuality, I really do not like having to deal with the repercussions of someone else making the bright decision that me being born would be a 'good' idea, I hate how this may actually be read by someone and the fact they are not going to be able to understand me more then a few unknowable conclusions really annoys me and makes me wish it were possible to better pour my soul out...not because I understand why I have to do this, why I desire to speak my mind and my soul and my being but because I have the desperate desire to express myself and have other people judge and criticize it...it is like some kind of sadistic masochistic and philosophical explosion of self pity and arrogance...pretension maybe?
Another bothersome tidbit is the fact I can sleep about six-ten hours a night and still wake up completely exhausted and hurting. Isn't sleep supposed to fix some of that? Instead I get bizarre dreams that just remind me that I hate being asleep almost as much as I sometimes hate being awake. Well, not that I hate life per say, it is just there are some aspects of life I would be happy without.
Work I am looking at you with an angry glare and a desire to see you die the horrible death you deserve.
It is frustrating to be working a job to get 'experince' and nothing else. I am barely making a positive influx of cash and I am expected to work so hard for what is nothing better then a fast food job salary. I am not even sure how I got roped into this annoyingly stupid cycle.
Something else annoying, adults acting like childrean. That has been the hallmark of my life. Besides making me feel like God has a rather annoying sense of humor this has been nothing more then a nuisance. I freely admit I am being judgmental. It is frustrating growing up and being able to actually consider yourself more mature then the people you live with, simply because you are not the only screaming at others because of a selfish need to control (makes me think of a baby) or someone so addicted to chemicals that they make asininery seem like a talent (almost like one of the more annoying ninth graders I have had to watch at school). God, why the Hell do you have to have a marriage license but there cannot be some actual kind of regulation for people being allowed to raise or watch children?
It makes me physical sick to think that I have actually had a good life compared to a lot of people and the pain they go through. It makes enraged to think that so much time is wasted over such pointless emotions and feelings...I hate these memories and feelings and everything that goes with it.
Like a sulking child I wish God would just give me the complete silence and void of nothing that my immature and animal desires want. To be kept safe from all the messy entanglements and painful potential happy trappings of the word love. To be freed from the grating voices and demands of people just as lost and confused as me but are such egotistical asses that they instead flaunt about as if they are some pretty peacock we should fall down and worship.
I am repulsed by ego, by self righteous flaunting about, as if it some kind of a right. You know what, I annoy myself for the exact same reasons! It is annoying to be the ultimate example of what you resent and hate most in life! I am more immature and more imbecilic then any of the people I rant about.
I am more angry, more immature, more easily agitated, less able to mask my pain, less caring, more apt to get hurt, more open to being misled, more quick to trust the worse possible people, more quick to want to slam my head against the wall, quite likely to shove my head into a pillow to scream profanity, unable to trust people, unable to want and enjoy the simple pleasures of life, despising the term love and everything connected with it, I am barely able to suppress my mad laughing whenever I hear anyone make the rashly stupid statement that I live with my 'family', I hate those different from me, I have problems with accepting differences in myself, I am vastly insecure, I hate that clothing store and wish God would burn the place down, I am tired, I am sick, I still deal with depression, I hate being in the same room with 'family', I hate hearing their sounds, their presence, hearing them call my name, feeling like I am nothing more then a burden that would better off never having been born, I hate the fact I do not know how to love these people, I hate feeling so isolated from the world, I hate being so immature, so quick to judge, I hate how I forget that other people exist outside of me, I am sick to death of feeling feelings and desires that make absolutely no sense, I hate wanting to cry every time I hear some kind of reference to 'dad' or 'father', I hate how I ramble on like this, I hate using the word 'I' so much in every little thing I write, It is quite disgusting to me that I can't put others before me, I desire to love but I never follow through, I am tired of being in a band that can never do anything, I am sick of not being able to play bass like I know I can, I hate my sub par writing skills that do nothing but attempt to duplicate something I have recently read, I hate how all I seem to do is complain, I hate being under this black veil of pain and death all the time, I despise the fact that I have to mask myself in lies and fake smiles just so I can make it through the day and not feel like I am a burden, I do not like being insincere, I hate lying through my teeth just so I can make it through certain times, I hate sexuality, I really do not like having to deal with the repercussions of someone else making the bright decision that me being born would be a 'good' idea, I hate how this may actually be read by someone and the fact they are not going to be able to understand me more then a few unknowable conclusions really annoys me and makes me wish it were possible to better pour my soul out...not because I understand why I have to do this, why I desire to speak my mind and my soul and my being but because I have the desperate desire to express myself and have other people judge and criticize it...it is like some kind of sadistic masochistic and philosophical explosion of self pity and arrogance...pretension maybe?
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
