No Wish to Sleep Forever More

Could be worse but as always it could be better.

You know?

It is hard understanding you. No offense but you have the advantage in this one. I really do not like the way things have been going, how they have turned out. The feelings are becoming slightly desperate because of what feels like a growing chasm between us.

Wow, I just kind of realized how this has been like a roller coaster ride of sorts. The years we have known each other, You wishing to be so much closer and I have just spent years running away. In the moments I shut up long enough to hear you, I then get upset because you are wanting to work in your time...not in mine.

Do we even need to get into the areas of where I screw up life not just for myself but for others? The pain I have caused again and again almost feels like a noose that is slowly slipping tighter around my neck. How much longer until people realize I am not who they think I am? Lord, what the hell was I doing in ever thinking I could be yours?

It is crazy how none of this even remotely looks like I thought it would. My natural inclination would be to apologize for who I am, for every breath I have taken, for every thought and impulse to travel through my brain's synapses...but it isn't like that, is it?

My biological existence means just as much to you as the ψυχή that drives the core?

I am to tired from fighting an endless fight of suppression. I do not want to face this world anymore, could we just run away from it all? I think I can safely say I am tired of it all. If we can't run away could you at least help me find some stability in my mind, my emotions, my desires, my needs, my thoughts...this amalgamated mess of my being?

Please help me to find a balance of who I am and who You are?

I know I say that I love You, that these words are somehow supposed to convey the longings of a blackened heart...but I do love you. Every last effort put forth by this broken thing desires to be about you. I am sick to death of myself and my desires, my wants, me...me...me. This self infected madness I embrace just so I can celebrate me.

Please teach me, reduce me, I honestly beg you. Remove me from the equation and do the kind of miracle of life that is only done by you.

In the next fleeting moment when I curse life, despise others, desire death, wishfully lust and pour out my malice into a mold of hatred...please remember me. I honestly no longer know who i am but You, You are my beginning and my end. No more, no less I need You.



"Should you hurt yourself or simply sleep?
I shall collect myself after I weep,
And garb myself in ocean blue,
With no method of goodbye to you,
Should the marsh render a crane to cry,
And the sea suspend her gulls to fly,
I’ll lend myself unto their wings,
And hear the voice of Jesus sing,
No wish for he whose whimsy does soar,
No wish to sleep forever more,
No eye shadow as thick as paint,
No pigment pleads unto the faint

Forgiveness like a blanket of snow whispers like the wind does blow,
Beckoning unto the deep, offering unto the meek,
And there you lay in Jesus’ hands, resting there beside the lamb,
There will not be a circular piece to drive into a square shaped keep,
No hands to hold within my own,
No second soul inside our home,
We’ll walk beside the crystal sea,
Myself for my love, and my love for me"

-Showbread, "The Missing Wife"

Sick and Sicker

I have two modes of existence, sick and sicker.

Sick - I feel tired, fatigued, the normal back and neck issues and such.

Sicker - I have contracted something in addition to the normal aches and pains.

Today I am sicker. Curse you throat for hurting and God help me not to want to beat every smoker around me with a stick. Every time I go downstairs it is almost like I feel the second hand smoke running towards me wanting to slice and dice my throat. Hooray!