Film Noir of the Soul

Falling, falling, falling.
What does it matter?
Failing, failing, failing.
Every last word is proven false.

God knows the pain I feel,
how if I could
I would just take it all,
carry the shame
carry your pain
and just be real again,
forming out of darkness
so I just will be me.

I miss it all,
Muse fueled words,
God the intoxication!
Yet far from yesterday
and other brilliant sparks
which grew in my heart.

Just like so many things,
feeling and passing,
pulling from my life
and into the sea foam of time
before I know what happens.

The ones I walk with now
I fear will be gone in minutes
if not seconds.
Further loved ones lost,
as I'm forced to live
and damned to survive.

I always must live,
must survive
must outlive the relationships,
the one who makes me feel alive.

Always in shades,
silhouettes
as my prison
is this decaying shell
which damns me to live,
life for now
and live forever.

Always in the now,
this second
which leads to another,
pulling me down paths
and making me decide
and render so much pain.

Damned if I do,
damned if I do not,
damned in every second
of this torture
where I make decisions
and there is never a good choice
or a happy ending.

I have no choice.
I must live.
I was born with these feelings and thoughts
even though I never once asked
or was considered
or quizzed
about where and when.

If I was born a decade earlier or later
so much could be different.
But instead,
my time-line is attached to
nineteen eighty-six
and there is none alive
who I can share this time burden with.

I'm not mad,
not loosing ground
fretting or in rage.

Melancholy,
and missing,
missing and longings
of things I scarcely understood
then or now.

My nightmares are such vivid terrors,
and they come to life on their own.
Such horror.

Why not this dream?
Just this once chance of singular happiness?
Is it a sin to ask?
To beg Yahweh for such?

Were I balanced
and my melancholy removed,
would it shake the foundation
and change this world
making it worse?

Should I just be narcissistic
and assume the pain I tread
and the loneliness I feel
is for the betterment of the world?

At least I can never be accused
or said to lack imagination.
Words, words and more words
just hot air.

Tired, so very tired.
Games, more than plenty
and I just want to run away
far from here
to a new world
and a new age
where I can loose myself in love
and work,
to die surrounded by loved ones
after a generation of loving
and giving all.

But not this life,
not this world.
Noir is the game
and darkness reigns
as the spirit within me cries.

The Dark rises
and who remains to fight,
to stand against the tide?

A singular,
a non-entity
who is frail
and fragile,
steaming the tide
and sacrificing
because someone has to.

I will take all I must,
feel all that is needed,
just so others may have normality
to live and die in peace
while I wear this mantle.

I will stand,
I will live
and surely die
but someone must stand
and stop the tears from being shed.
Until the day they are all wiped away,
I am and will be.
Narcissism and all.

One can change, break
and rearrange the order
and course of humanity.

It's not my place to write history,
just to be faithful
and be crushed by the wheels of fate
and hold onto the faith
which saved and damned me at the same time.

Saved me from my sin, from myself
and the endless divide and solitude.
Yet damned me to never being content,
never being able to rest
and feeling the pain of everyone around me.
It is good and right
to live and give everything
so that others may live
and find normality.

Shades, shadows,
raindrops and teardrops,
do you see and feel them madam?

My obsession,
my destruction,
the course of history
and all that will and could ever be
just found here
within,
following
and flowing with pulse.

Back to bed,
get rest
and dry your eyes
for tomorrow is a new week,
such flitting moments of time,
you just live
seize this new life
and live to love,
to have and have all.

Loving at all is so good
so right
and beautiful,
I will live too,
I have no choice in the matter.

When it is my time to depart
I will hear the sweet whispers
and be enveloped into eternity
and then the only One,
the only One who can handle my pain,
these fears
and the weaknesses people hate me for,
the love for all
and this burning empathy,
I might have peace.

I have to remain
and just hold here,
be faithful
and hold all the pain from others.

Thank you for sending me a beautiful smile.
No matter my fears of contact
or ever being able to full express
and give of myself
it was the brightest beauty this world has ever seen.
No greater beauty will ever be seen,
in this age
or the coming reign of Christ.

Thank you for helping me live,
finding one worthy of being loved
under all these contradictions
and levels of fear.

Thank you madam muse
for placing this joy
and need to accept myself
in this heart.

Eternal gratitude
and hope,
living, taking shape
and forcing its way.

What am I forgetting?
God this is driving me crazy...

God.
Wow.

Such...vivid nightmares.
Again.

I miss...it's stupid and annoying and pointless to say I miss someone when the only thing I was doing...just causing more pain and harm...

I feel like I am just this collection of contradiction, frayed wires and burning pain.

What is...what is the point?