I'm laying here listening to music, letting the sound of piano try and lull me to a state of mind where maybe I can sleep...there is nothing but the light of this laptop and the darkness which swirls in and out of being as I shift and move.
Distance.
I hate that word so much.
Yet it is reality.
Nothing here on earth lasts.
Yet, I feel this insatiable pull towards you...to go against my logic, my fears of how everything will end and create something that in one manner or another will inevitably be crushed by this world.
The best case scenario is years of happiness with a quick death to serve as separation...but even as I write that I realize how flimsy an excuse that is...what is death? What is life?
Passing seconds between here and eternity...if it is possible to love someone in this imperfect world, how much more so will it be possible when everything is made new?
Maybe I am a fool, that really wouldn't be a huge surprise to anyone really...but I have hope.
Growing hope.
Even with being so incredibly sick, feeling so many doubts...feeling so alone at this very second...I still have hope that refuses to die or be silent no matter how I try to shut it up.
Fear of hope...only a person as silly as me would have a fear of hope.
I also feel guilty for feeling happy...how screwed up is that?
Yes people are suffering in this world and I am afraid I will only make more people hurt...but...maybe I just can't let that control my impulses and thoughts completely...maybe...I honestly am not sure.
So much is uncertain.
What is known is I miss my beloved...the miles are so long and time is so slow as my soul waits and sighs as it aches.
Never thought it could be so good, so much better and wonderful than the many stories...hope, hope, hope.
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