Chest pain is a new symptom...God I hope this doesn't get much worse tonight.
I'll live...I just feel weak and...so...strange.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
It's weird reading over the past couple of years...keeping this blog is encouraging...well not because some problems have persisted over two years...but because I have hope that the dawn is coming.
Thank You for Your love...and everyone, thank you for reading this, for praying, for the messages.
Special thanks to you, yeah you know who you are.
Yeah.
=)
Thank You for Your love...and everyone, thank you for reading this, for praying, for the messages.
Special thanks to you, yeah you know who you are.
Yeah.
=)
"With Pollyanna" - Bill Eager
I believe the morning sun
Always gonna shine again and
I believe a pot of gold
Waits at every rainbow's end
I believe in roses kissed with dew
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?
I believe in make-believe
Fairy tales and lucky charms and
I believe in promises
Spoken as you cross your heart
I believe in skies forever blue
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?
You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
You can call me Pollyanna
Say I'm crazy as a loon
I believe in silver linings
And that's why I believe in you
I believe there'll come a day
Maybe it will be tomorrow
When the bluebird flies away
All we have to do is follow
I believe a dream can still come true
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?
You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' the way that I do
I believe in friends and laughter
And the wonders love can do
I believe in songs and magic
And that's why I believe in you
You may say I'm a fool
Feelin' this way about you
There's not much I can do
I'm gonna be this way my life through
'Cause I still believe in miracles
I swear I've seen a few
And the time will surely come
When you can see my point of view
I believe in second chances
And that's why I believe in you
I want to believe in infinite possibilities,
that Love, eternal Love wins.
That the pain cannot last through the morning
and that the Beauty
the intoxicating Beauty
that found me will carry me
and never let me be the same.
I need You more now than ever
and more today
and will need You more tomorrow
carry me please.
I need You.
that Love, eternal Love wins.
That the pain cannot last through the morning
and that the Beauty
the intoxicating Beauty
that found me will carry me
and never let me be the same.
I need You more now than ever
and more today
and will need You more tomorrow
carry me please.
I need You.
Trigun quotes
"People who sin say this, that they had to, to survive. People who sin say this, that it's too late now to stop. The shadow called Sin dogs them steadily from behind, silently, without a word. Remorse and Agony are repeated, only to end up at Despair in the end. But the sinners just don't know, that if they'd only turn around, there is a light there, a light which keeps shining on them ever so warmly. A light that will never fade."
"Strong will can stir the heart, but a will too strong can cut off the hearts visibility. The sorrow of a man bewreathed of his family turns to hate, which eventually metamorphoses into the intent to kill. The man’s finger reaches for the trigger. Sins change people. Sin begets sin. But still, I want to believe, I want to believe in the heart, the heart that feels the sin."
"Strong will can stir the heart, but a will too strong can cut off the hearts visibility. The sorrow of a man bewreathed of his family turns to hate, which eventually metamorphoses into the intent to kill. The man’s finger reaches for the trigger. Sins change people. Sin begets sin. But still, I want to believe, I want to believe in the heart, the heart that feels the sin."
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Bright Light of the Day Article
http://www.atu2.com/news/bono-u2-give-vip-treatment-to-patient-who-donated-make-a-wish-funds-to-extreme-global-poverty.html
Grace, Tonight
Jesus, Jesus
the world is hurting
and it is falling
coming apart at the seams
faster then it can be held.
Jesus, Jesus
I can't pretend to understand
the why, the how and what is to come
I just know it hurts to see,
it hurts to feel and God it hurts to be.
We have our digital selves,
our reflectance to commit
and so much we hide in.
We will delve
into our selfish sin
not caring,
not hearing
or feeling
or knowing
or caring of truth.
You, You have seen the horror
the show we have made of human life.
The millions of dead bodies
left naked and desecrated
their souls long gone
to be by Your side.
You've held the hand
of the child being raped
and the mother forced to watch
You saw Sarajevo in flames.
You see our nakedness
and you feel such rage
like the insufficient flame
in my degraded heart
and yet
You have held back.
You whisper that word
that phrase unknown
to our lips,
grace.
You see the pain
the tear streaked faces
and You feel the pain
as You hold us.
Dear Jesus I won't understand
I can't.
I just want to be held
while the world is inflamed
strikes by our madness
and know You,
yes You will once again
save this day
only in the way
that the Infinite Love can.
Grace, from my lips
it feels like a cheap sovereign
hawked for cash.
It feels like every televangelist
that pointed the finger
while taking the cash for a trick.
Grace, it feels so cheap.
But it is so painfully real.
Grace, it is pulling my heart.
Grace, it is everything I'm not.
Grace, it is knowing I know not.
Grace, You're giving me the hope to hope.
Grace, I'm bleeding free and laying here
not knowing, just knowing I'm waiting on You.
Grace it is giving me hope
that this Love,
this fragile thing,
will not be killed by our man made Hell
but that Love can win
hope can endure this hellish night.
That Love will carry us
past the Western Sea
the world is hurting
and it is falling
coming apart at the seams
faster then it can be held.
Jesus, Jesus
I can't pretend to understand
the why, the how and what is to come
I just know it hurts to see,
it hurts to feel and God it hurts to be.
We have our digital selves,
our reflectance to commit
and so much we hide in.
We will delve
into our selfish sin
not caring,
not hearing
or feeling
or knowing
or caring of truth.
You, You have seen the horror
the show we have made of human life.
The millions of dead bodies
left naked and desecrated
their souls long gone
to be by Your side.
You've held the hand
of the child being raped
and the mother forced to watch
You saw Sarajevo in flames.
You see our nakedness
and you feel such rage
like the insufficient flame
in my degraded heart
and yet
You have held back.
You whisper that word
that phrase unknown
to our lips,
grace.
You see the pain
the tear streaked faces
and You feel the pain
as You hold us.
Dear Jesus I won't understand
I can't.
I just want to be held
while the world is inflamed
strikes by our madness
and know You,
yes You will once again
save this day
only in the way
that the Infinite Love can.
Grace, from my lips
it feels like a cheap sovereign
hawked for cash.
It feels like every televangelist
that pointed the finger
while taking the cash for a trick.
Grace, it feels so cheap.
But it is so painfully real.
Grace, it is pulling my heart.
Grace, it is everything I'm not.
Grace, it is knowing I know not.
Grace, You're giving me the hope to hope.
Grace, I'm bleeding free and laying here
not knowing, just knowing I'm waiting on You.
Grace it is giving me hope
that this Love,
this fragile thing,
will not be killed by our man made Hell
but that Love can win
hope can endure this hellish night.
That Love will carry us
past the Western Sea
Horrifying Newsbyte
http://www.boston.com/news/nation/articles/2009/09/28/az_judge_to_decide_if_10_year_old_faces_rape_trial/
I post this for people to please pray for everyone involved...I don't have words that can express the outrage, sadness and pain I feel from reading this.
"Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth "
-U2, 'Peace on Earth'
I post this for people to please pray for everyone involved...I don't have words that can express the outrage, sadness and pain I feel from reading this.
"Jesus can you take the time
To throw a drowning man a line
Peace on Earth
To tell the ones who hear no sound
Whose sons are living in the ground
Peace on Earth
Jesus sing a song you wrote
The words are sticking in my throat
Peace on Earth
Hear it every Christmas time
But hope and history won't rhyme
So what's it worth
This peace on Earth "
-U2, 'Peace on Earth'
list of random cool words
-phooey
-existential
-quandary
-existential quandaries
-malevolence
-explosion
-awesomeness
-fallout
-philosophical tangents
-litmus
-escathology
-meh
-bleh
-cymbalta
ummm...maybe more to come...
-existential
-quandary
-existential quandaries
-malevolence
-explosion
-awesomeness
-fallout
-philosophical tangents
-litmus
-escathology
-meh
-bleh
-cymbalta
ummm...maybe more to come...
"My Alibi" - Blindside
I.
I would just like to slow dance.
Have this waltz across eternity.
Safe, saved in Your arms.
I.
Just I, want to feel You close,
hear your heart beating
and knowing the love
will be complete.
Monday, September 28, 2009
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Jesus...I think you must be smiling and laughing at how ridiculous this all is...thank you for silly music, for being able to laugh at myself and this eccentric cat that I keep getting into a meowing contest with.
Earlier tonight was so nice...I can't remmeber laughing so hard it hurt for a while...thanks for taking me by the hand and pulling me through...life is meant to be...like this...even with the bad.
Gratefulness.
Earlier tonight was so nice...I can't remmeber laughing so hard it hurt for a while...thanks for taking me by the hand and pulling me through...life is meant to be...like this...even with the bad.
Gratefulness.
Saturday, September 26, 2009
After a request to post some of the music I worked on back in school...I am horrified at how terrible some of it is.
I forgotten how bad I suck.
Luckily there are a few tracks I may upload to youtube...but there are some incredibly painful moments because some of these had to be done in just one take...and some of the backing vocals are ear bleeding bad.
Although...I must say I'm happy with the bass...my only area of real concern at the end of the day. ^_^
I forgotten how bad I suck.
Luckily there are a few tracks I may upload to youtube...but there are some incredibly painful moments because some of these had to be done in just one take...and some of the backing vocals are ear bleeding bad.
Although...I must say I'm happy with the bass...my only area of real concern at the end of the day. ^_^
U2 - 'Pop' album download
http://www.filefront.com/14606645/Pop.rar
There you go.
Sorry I kept forgetting to put the link up.
Like I mentioned the other day you will REALLY want to get the actual album soon (none of that sissy Itunes download crap) because of the actual album and CD design...how it sort of homes in on the whole Pop art theme...which when you contrast with the actual content of the music you get this wall of deliberate irony working on several levels that I happen to find really mind blowing.
Some call it pretension but I call it mad genius.
The whole crux of their 90's material was the idea of information overload and with the albums 'Achtung Baby' and 'Zooropa' and the resulting tour managed to do just that...while breaking away from the whole mold of being the vagabond religious on a pilgrimage and became more of an onstage caricature of the message in the music.
Plus I love the use of Dada in the album art work of 'Achtung Baby'.
I'll never have enough money or time to get all the degrees or take all the classes I want to...but I want to take a few more Art History classes...it help makes much more sense out of life and culture.
Okay I'll curtail my U2 fanboyism before I make some retch.
^_^
But I still hold to the opinion that not liking U2 means not having taste...oh snap...yes.
I.
Just.
Went.
There.
>_>
There you go.
Sorry I kept forgetting to put the link up.
Like I mentioned the other day you will REALLY want to get the actual album soon (none of that sissy Itunes download crap) because of the actual album and CD design...how it sort of homes in on the whole Pop art theme...which when you contrast with the actual content of the music you get this wall of deliberate irony working on several levels that I happen to find really mind blowing.
Some call it pretension but I call it mad genius.
The whole crux of their 90's material was the idea of information overload and with the albums 'Achtung Baby' and 'Zooropa' and the resulting tour managed to do just that...while breaking away from the whole mold of being the vagabond religious on a pilgrimage and became more of an onstage caricature of the message in the music.
Plus I love the use of Dada in the album art work of 'Achtung Baby'.
I'll never have enough money or time to get all the degrees or take all the classes I want to...but I want to take a few more Art History classes...it help makes much more sense out of life and culture.
Okay I'll curtail my U2 fanboyism before I make some retch.
^_^
But I still hold to the opinion that not liking U2 means not having taste...oh snap...yes.
I.
Just.
Went.
There.
>_>
"So love is hard and love is tough
But love is not what you're thinking of
September, streets capsizing
Spilling over, down the drain
Shards of glass, splinters like rain
But you could only feel your own pain
October, talk getting nowhere
November, December
Remember, are we just starting again
Please, please, please
Get up off your knees
Please, please, please
Please
So love is big, it's bigger than us
But love is not what you're thinking of
It's what lovers deal, it's what lovers steal
You know I found it hard to recieve
'Cause you, my love, I could never believe"
But love is not what you're thinking of
September, streets capsizing
Spilling over, down the drain
Shards of glass, splinters like rain
But you could only feel your own pain
October, talk getting nowhere
November, December
Remember, are we just starting again
Please, please, please
Get up off your knees
Please, please, please
Please
So love is big, it's bigger than us
But love is not what you're thinking of
It's what lovers deal, it's what lovers steal
You know I found it hard to recieve
'Cause you, my love, I could never believe"
It's weird.
I bike ten miles while feeling like crap and I feel like more crap except it's like a better crap.
I'm still hurting, dizzy, nauseated and tasting metal...but overall I feel more relaxed and less like I'm dying.
And...this is how addictive my personality is...I've never smoked but I want to.
What the heck?
This second hand smoke shall be the death of me! -_-
I bike ten miles while feeling like crap and I feel like more crap except it's like a better crap.
I'm still hurting, dizzy, nauseated and tasting metal...but overall I feel more relaxed and less like I'm dying.
And...this is how addictive my personality is...I've never smoked but I want to.
What the heck?
This second hand smoke shall be the death of me! -_-
I just ate a cookie.
It is late at night.
It's also quite quiet at this late hour.
I miss having a group of people to do things with.
That was the better things about church when I was in high school and something I loved about college for the first couple of semesters.
I talk about the past too much...what about the future?
I've been biking ten miles plus a day...so as soon as I get access to the bike in the morning I'll be logging another ten miles or so. I've been eating apples and drinking water...it's the meal of fibromyalgia stricken heros!
Music is addicting as love was when I was less cynical and was more receptive to the idea of people being generally good and capable of rising above their base nature. It can be so hard to take people at their word and believe that they have good intentions.
I also spend too much time analyzing little details of no consequence.
I also spend this late hour scanning the internet for for remixed/acoustic/orchestrated/whatever pieces of music from RPG video games I grew up with.
And now...I don't know.
I'm here.
That is all I know.
Life goes on.
Yes it does...
It is late at night.
It's also quite quiet at this late hour.
I miss having a group of people to do things with.
That was the better things about church when I was in high school and something I loved about college for the first couple of semesters.
I talk about the past too much...what about the future?
I've been biking ten miles plus a day...so as soon as I get access to the bike in the morning I'll be logging another ten miles or so. I've been eating apples and drinking water...it's the meal of fibromyalgia stricken heros!
Music is addicting as love was when I was less cynical and was more receptive to the idea of people being generally good and capable of rising above their base nature. It can be so hard to take people at their word and believe that they have good intentions.
I also spend too much time analyzing little details of no consequence.
I also spend this late hour scanning the internet for for remixed/acoustic/orchestrated/whatever pieces of music from RPG video games I grew up with.
And now...I don't know.
I'm here.
That is all I know.
Life goes on.
Yes it does...
Friday, September 25, 2009
Thankful
I could write about the negative...but the plus is I have a bed that is warm, a lovable psychotic cat that is sleeping on my arm right now, a glass full of the red flavor Gatorade, air conditioner to keep my room cold enough for me to sleep, a laptop that works, Internet that mostly works, I have all of my limbs and digits, I still have all of my hair, I may be in an an excruciating amount of pain but I am still alive, I may feel alone but I'm not.
I am my Love's and Jesus loves me with a deep, amazing, intoxicating love that has carried me so far...I'm so...unworthy, hurting, afraid but loved.
I'm afraid of pushing the ones I want to love away...help me please. I don't want to become my dad...I don't want to live in the past, I don't want to be anything except one who loves and will sacrifice to share Your love.
Thank you for carrying me this far...please make this new day be new...with Your love.
I am my Love's and Jesus loves me with a deep, amazing, intoxicating love that has carried me so far...I'm so...unworthy, hurting, afraid but loved.
I'm afraid of pushing the ones I want to love away...help me please. I don't want to become my dad...I don't want to live in the past, I don't want to be anything except one who loves and will sacrifice to share Your love.
Thank you for carrying me this far...please make this new day be new...with Your love.
Thursday, September 24, 2009
Boom
So...I should make a goal...right?
How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.
If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.
I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.
It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.
I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.
I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.
Anger like this isn't healthy.
It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.
I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.
But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.
And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.
Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.
But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.
I need prayer, please.
I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.
I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.
I can breath and I will.
This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.
I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.
I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.
I will never give up.
How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.
If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.
I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.
It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.
I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.
I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.
Anger like this isn't healthy.
It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.
I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.
But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.
And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.
Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.
But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.
I need prayer, please.
I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.
I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.
I can breath and I will.
This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.
I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.
I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.
I will never give up.
Psalm 103:6-18
The LORD performs righteous deeds
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
And judgments for all who are oppressed.
He made known His ways to Moses,
His acts to the sons of Israel.
The LORD is compassionate and gracious,
Slow to anger and abounding in lovingkindness.
He will not always strive with us,
Nor will He keep His anger forever.
He has not dealt with us according to our sins,
Nor rewarded us according to our iniquities.
For as high as the heavens are above the earth,
So great is His lovingkindness toward those who fear Him.
As far as the east is from the west,
So far has He removed our transgressions from us.
Just as a father has compassion on his children,
So the LORD has compassion on those who fear Him.
For He Himself knows our frame;
He is mindful that we are but dust.
As for man, his days are like grass;
As a flower of the field, so he flourishes.
When the wind has passed over it, it is no more,
And its place acknowledges it no longer.
But the lovingkindness of the LORD is from everlasting to everlasting on those who fear Him,
And His righteousness to children's children,
to those who keep His covenant
And remember His precepts to do them.
"Consume Me" - dc Talk
"You consume me, You consume me
Like a burning flame running through my veins
You consume me moving through me
Anytime, anyplace You invade my space
You consume me, You consume me"
Lyric Question
Does anyone know what song the line "I used to hold you in a photograph" is used in?
Email me if you know...
Took me two and a half hours but the crisis is adverted...turns out it's in the song "Do You Believe in Love" by Huey Lewis and the News.
The actual music video from the 80's has eye blistering pastels...view at your own discretion.
Email me if you know...
Took me two and a half hours but the crisis is adverted...turns out it's in the song "Do You Believe in Love" by Huey Lewis and the News.
The actual music video from the 80's has eye blistering pastels...view at your own discretion.
Ramblings: Jesus, Love and Such
I'm not sure right now.
Are you?
I want to feel the cool breeze on my face again as I look to the future and walk forward.
But...to do so would loose track of the present...I have to make preparations but it's so hard to do anything when it feels like moving at all will cause me to explode in pain and sickness.
Plan of action...I started working on that...I guess I'm afraid of being trapped here for long. I don't feel free...I feel like I'm tied down to my illness which is preventing me from attempting to go where I'm being called.
But...getting ahead of myself will not help at all.
Just trying not to throw up is enough right now...listening to ELO and smiling is a titanic effort. But it's not as hard as it could be.
I feel loved, I know I'm loved.
Just seeing friends and...even family...well technically my friends are family (at least by how I judge those standards) and even though we all have our problems...we have a Father in common that loves us...and it helps so very much.
It's sort of like how the old hymn says "Because He lives I can face tomorrow."
I'm having a lot more thoughts about love...and what it means to be loved by the Father these days...just what it means for grace to change and for the love of God...
I think it's safe to assume we're all made for a purpose...not necessarily to do just one thing but we have certain things we are more apt than others...it seems funny to think of ministry in this capacity. It's not like I ever just sat down and thought 'Hey I want to do ministry, know a lot about the Bible or to care so much it hurts.' it was just a part of who I am...what I was drawn to and part of who I am.
I mean, I do make conscious decisions about praying, studying the Bible and trying to be open and sharing with people...but at the same time this isn't something I have to try all that hard to do...what people believe and think is something I naturally care a lot about...and I hate seeing pain and why Jesus came.
To help the sick and broken, to not just fix the physical pain but the mental and spiritual anguish of us being divorced from God by the schism of our betrayals.
We're so all so helplessly involved in this idea of love and the need for attention because of the deeper longings in our heart...well to quote my ever over quoted philosophical and theological guru C.S. Lewis:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
You know...I'm reminded of where Jesus was asked about marriage in Matthew. The religious leaders came up with this hypothetical conundrum they thought would catch Jesus in a bad place theological speaking so they could go "Ah! Aha!" and instead Jesus proceeded to liquefy their minds:
"Jesus answered, "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works. At the resurrection we're beyond marriage. As with the angels, all our ecstasies and intimacies then will be with God. And regarding your speculation on whether the dead are raised or not, don't you read your Bibles? The grammar is clear: God says, 'I am—not was—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob.' The living God defines himself not as the God of dead men, but of the living." Hearing this exchange the crowd was much impressed."
-Matthew
Okay.
The idea of marriage is a union, a joining together of two as one. You have two beings become one in mind, spirit, body and all of that. Often times the Bible uses marriage language to describe the relationship between God and His people...both the Jews in the Old Testament and Christians in the New Testament.
In fact, Testament is another word for covenant which in turn is often time was used in the context of 'marriage covenant' in the Bible. Becoming a Christian, a follower of God is like becoming married...you enter a partnership, this idea of the Holy Spirit indwelling in you and you becoming more like God...changing because of love changing you.
Some great reading on this idea is the minor prophet of Hosea in the Old Testament (the book of Hosea) and in the New Testament in Revelation 21 (where the church is referred to being the 'bride' of the Lamb (Jesus)).
Something that dawned on me though...this whole idea of human love will pass away. The concepts we hold...the connections we build are imperfect and just are reflections of the divine. Sort of how Rob Bell talks about how a marriage can either be a reflection of Hell or Heaven...because we're created in the image of God and how we interact can bring pieces of Heaven of Hell to a person.
The passage of 1 Corinthians 13 is sometimes referred to as being the 'love chapter' because it goes on about love and the majority of its modern use is found in marriage ceremonies...and yeah that is nice and all but I think it does more than just talk about how people should treat each other.
"Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
-1 Corinthians 13: 8-12
I think the two most important parts are "For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away." and "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
Human love is inherently imperfect because we cannot love fully or unconditionally, or capacity for love comes only because of us being made in the image of God and despite our fallen natures that goodness burns bright and can shine through. One might find a metaphor of how the human love we experience is a bit like trying to stumble around in a dark room trying to find a light switch...we can feel things, get an idea about what is going on by the sharp pain in our shins...but it's not until the darkness is peeled away totally are we allowed to see the truth beyond truth.
The world is spiraling out of control...I don't mean stupid short term political thins like Democrats against the Republicans...but I mean, and to quote Roland here, people forgetting the face of their Father, their Father that spoke them into being.
I have never felt it was my job to point the finger, to judge or to declare how unholy people were...because the only reason I'm different is because of Jesus
loving idiots. It's almost like a backhanded compliment...Jesus loves you but you are so filthy and dirty that it takes God Himself to start cleaning you up...but my God! When you are clean you are clean, forgiven, washed cleaned and made a new person.
This all feels melodramatic...and to those on the outside looking in it might be...but then again love oftentimes seems foolish to those that are not a part of that relationship.
"I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"
- The OC Supertones, "Wilderness"
Are you?
I want to feel the cool breeze on my face again as I look to the future and walk forward.
But...to do so would loose track of the present...I have to make preparations but it's so hard to do anything when it feels like moving at all will cause me to explode in pain and sickness.
Plan of action...I started working on that...I guess I'm afraid of being trapped here for long. I don't feel free...I feel like I'm tied down to my illness which is preventing me from attempting to go where I'm being called.
But...getting ahead of myself will not help at all.
Just trying not to throw up is enough right now...listening to ELO and smiling is a titanic effort. But it's not as hard as it could be.
I feel loved, I know I'm loved.
Just seeing friends and...even family...well technically my friends are family (at least by how I judge those standards) and even though we all have our problems...we have a Father in common that loves us...and it helps so very much.
It's sort of like how the old hymn says "Because He lives I can face tomorrow."
I'm having a lot more thoughts about love...and what it means to be loved by the Father these days...just what it means for grace to change and for the love of God...
I think it's safe to assume we're all made for a purpose...not necessarily to do just one thing but we have certain things we are more apt than others...it seems funny to think of ministry in this capacity. It's not like I ever just sat down and thought 'Hey I want to do ministry, know a lot about the Bible or to care so much it hurts.' it was just a part of who I am...what I was drawn to and part of who I am.
I mean, I do make conscious decisions about praying, studying the Bible and trying to be open and sharing with people...but at the same time this isn't something I have to try all that hard to do...what people believe and think is something I naturally care a lot about...and I hate seeing pain and why Jesus came.
To help the sick and broken, to not just fix the physical pain but the mental and spiritual anguish of us being divorced from God by the schism of our betrayals.
We're so all so helplessly involved in this idea of love and the need for attention because of the deeper longings in our heart...well to quote my ever over quoted philosophical and theological guru C.S. Lewis:
"If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world."
You know...I'm reminded of where Jesus was asked about marriage in Matthew. The religious leaders came up with this hypothetical conundrum they thought would catch Jesus in a bad place theological speaking so they could go "Ah! Aha!" and instead Jesus proceeded to liquefy their minds:
"Jesus answered, "You're off base on two counts: You don't know your Bibles, and you don't know how God works. At the resurrection we're beyond marriage. As with the angels, all our ecstasies and intimacies then will be with God. And regarding your speculation on whether the dead are raised or not, don't you read your Bibles? The grammar is clear: God says, 'I am—not was—the God of Abraham, the God of Isaac, the God of Jacob.' The living God defines himself not as the God of dead men, but of the living." Hearing this exchange the crowd was much impressed."
-Matthew
Okay.
The idea of marriage is a union, a joining together of two as one. You have two beings become one in mind, spirit, body and all of that. Often times the Bible uses marriage language to describe the relationship between God and His people...both the Jews in the Old Testament and Christians in the New Testament.
In fact, Testament is another word for covenant which in turn is often time was used in the context of 'marriage covenant' in the Bible. Becoming a Christian, a follower of God is like becoming married...you enter a partnership, this idea of the Holy Spirit indwelling in you and you becoming more like God...changing because of love changing you.
Some great reading on this idea is the minor prophet of Hosea in the Old Testament (the book of Hosea) and in the New Testament in Revelation 21 (where the church is referred to being the 'bride' of the Lamb (Jesus)).
Something that dawned on me though...this whole idea of human love will pass away. The concepts we hold...the connections we build are imperfect and just are reflections of the divine. Sort of how Rob Bell talks about how a marriage can either be a reflection of Hell or Heaven...because we're created in the image of God and how we interact can bring pieces of Heaven of Hell to a person.
The passage of 1 Corinthians 13 is sometimes referred to as being the 'love chapter' because it goes on about love and the majority of its modern use is found in marriage ceremonies...and yeah that is nice and all but I think it does more than just talk about how people should treat each other.
"Love never fails; but if there are gifts of prophecy, they will be done away; if there are tongues, they will cease; if there is knowledge, it will be done away. For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away.
When I was a child, I used to speak like a child, think like a child, reason like a child; when I became a man, I did away with childish things. For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
-1 Corinthians 13: 8-12
I think the two most important parts are "For we know in part and we prophesy in part; but when the perfect comes, the partial will be done away." and "For now we see in a mirror dimly, but then face to face; now I know in part, but then I will know fully just as I also have been fully known."
Human love is inherently imperfect because we cannot love fully or unconditionally, or capacity for love comes only because of us being made in the image of God and despite our fallen natures that goodness burns bright and can shine through. One might find a metaphor of how the human love we experience is a bit like trying to stumble around in a dark room trying to find a light switch...we can feel things, get an idea about what is going on by the sharp pain in our shins...but it's not until the darkness is peeled away totally are we allowed to see the truth beyond truth.
The world is spiraling out of control...I don't mean stupid short term political thins like Democrats against the Republicans...but I mean, and to quote Roland here, people forgetting the face of their Father, their Father that spoke them into being.
I have never felt it was my job to point the finger, to judge or to declare how unholy people were...because the only reason I'm different is because of Jesus
loving idiots. It's almost like a backhanded compliment...Jesus loves you but you are so filthy and dirty that it takes God Himself to start cleaning you up...but my God! When you are clean you are clean, forgiven, washed cleaned and made a new person.
This all feels melodramatic...and to those on the outside looking in it might be...but then again love oftentimes seems foolish to those that are not a part of that relationship.
"I’m not one who always trusts their feelings
I don’t believe in what you’d call blind faith
But faith that you can do all that you promised
And you said it all works for good
It’s safe to say I don’t see the big picture
I can’t see the forest for the trees
And if five hundred lives
Were mine to get to know
You all could be spent on just this
God do you really understand what it’s like to be a man
Have You ever felt the weight of loving all the things you Hate
Have You struggled have you worried
How can You sympathize
I have spoken too soon put my hand over my mouth
I can’t contend with You
Your ways are so much higher
And we pass through the fire that Christ endured before us
When You were in the wilderness"
- The OC Supertones, "Wilderness"
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
I wonder if I'm on to strong of a medication...I was feeling better over the weekend and then this week I started up on the higher dosages of Cymbalta...and I've been having odd side effects...abnormal heat, dizziness, a constant headache, additional nausea, extra insomnia and...having a weird metallic taste in my mouth.
I want to sleep...but I'm driven by...more then just me.
I sometimes wonder how many circles I'm running and why I am running them...that if those watching are entertained or if there is some sort of deeper meaning.
Far too often I invest over thinking thoughts into insignificant things anyway.
I don't even know right now what I was meaning to write about...everything is flooding as fast as it comes...I suppose that is nice for once.
Hi.
Hello.
Hope it is well.
Oh no, help all is well.
Good night and such.
But sleep well.
Goodbye.
Bye.
I want to sleep...but I'm driven by...more then just me.
I sometimes wonder how many circles I'm running and why I am running them...that if those watching are entertained or if there is some sort of deeper meaning.
Far too often I invest over thinking thoughts into insignificant things anyway.
I don't even know right now what I was meaning to write about...everything is flooding as fast as it comes...I suppose that is nice for once.
Hi.
Hello.
Hope it is well.
Oh no, help all is well.
Good night and such.
But sleep well.
Goodbye.
Bye.
Tuesday, September 22, 2009
Monday, September 21, 2009
Grace Amongst Religious Infidelity
I'm afraid that with my rant about the polygamy in the Old Testament I came off as sounding like a jerk...the beauty of Christianity isn't in a legalistic set of rules regarding sexuality...but that despite people making horrible and uncaring mistakes there is a God whose love goes beyond our ability to be good.
The idea behind grace, behind the ministry of Jesus, the reason why God came in human form and lived among us, he lived, died and rose again was because we are unable to save ourselves. From the beginning in Genesis to the prophecies concerning the end times God has been adamant that 'the wages of sin is death' but that ultimately 'the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' (Romans 6:23)
I mean...in my understanding life is more than a black and white dichotomy. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell is not this work based...good vs. evil scale in your life...the idea is that no human is 'good' that we're all broken and hurt each other and deserve what we get.
But the mind blowing aspect of it is that God doesn't just ditch His creation that chose to rebel, instead He pursues us with a fervent love. The idea isn't that we do a lot of good so we get super shiny metaphorical mansions in the clouds but that we have an actual personal relationship with God.
That personal aspect seems lost amongst the rush for programs and rules...that is what drew me in when I was nine, made me feel compelled to ministry at fourteen and what has pulled me back and made me feel love after all these years of brokenness and confusion. It's love being a guide...being a comfort, pulling me, holding me and guiding me...words cannot give justice to love and that's what I feel...this burning, passion filled desire to know and be known.
And to me that's the love that Jesus has for everyone...and the fact He used such an incredibly dysfunctional family to be the basis for his chosen nation Israel...that would eventually give birth to the Messiah.
God loves and attracts and is attracted to the broken...those with no hope and realize they need help.
(And...House is about to come on so I will finish this later...)
The idea behind grace, behind the ministry of Jesus, the reason why God came in human form and lived among us, he lived, died and rose again was because we are unable to save ourselves. From the beginning in Genesis to the prophecies concerning the end times God has been adamant that 'the wages of sin is death' but that ultimately 'the free gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord.' (Romans 6:23)
I mean...in my understanding life is more than a black and white dichotomy. The whole idea of Heaven and Hell is not this work based...good vs. evil scale in your life...the idea is that no human is 'good' that we're all broken and hurt each other and deserve what we get.
But the mind blowing aspect of it is that God doesn't just ditch His creation that chose to rebel, instead He pursues us with a fervent love. The idea isn't that we do a lot of good so we get super shiny metaphorical mansions in the clouds but that we have an actual personal relationship with God.
That personal aspect seems lost amongst the rush for programs and rules...that is what drew me in when I was nine, made me feel compelled to ministry at fourteen and what has pulled me back and made me feel love after all these years of brokenness and confusion. It's love being a guide...being a comfort, pulling me, holding me and guiding me...words cannot give justice to love and that's what I feel...this burning, passion filled desire to know and be known.
And to me that's the love that Jesus has for everyone...and the fact He used such an incredibly dysfunctional family to be the basis for his chosen nation Israel...that would eventually give birth to the Messiah.
God loves and attracts and is attracted to the broken...those with no hope and realize they need help.
(And...House is about to come on so I will finish this later...)
Speaking of Kanye West...
This shouldn't be half as funny as it is but the problem of being an idiot in the internet age is that there are tens of thousands of people ready to make fun of you via Photoshop at a moment's notice...
http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
http://kanyegate.tumblr.com/
Biblical Relationship Games
So I am reading Genesis currently...I forgot how much annoying polygamy based marriage drama there is. Anytime I hear about some crazy sect spouting off about how the Bible supports polygamy...I have to wonder if they have actually read the Bible or do they just drink large amounts of mercury and randomly stab at pieces of scripture?
The examples are numerous and all equally aneurysm inducing.
Abraham, Sarah and Hagar (Sarah's handmaid)
Jacob was sane and took only one wife (Rebeeca) but his sons:
-Esau took two Hittite wives that caused endless grief to the family because of their idol worship
-Jacob married two sisters Rachel and Leah. There was drama from the beginning because he only intended to marry Rachel but was dupped into marrying Leah and so begrudgingly he accepted Leah and ignored her. Interestingly enough Leah gave him a series of sons rather quickly and Rachel had none...so she took a page from her grandmother's book and told Jacob to marry and sleep with her handmaid Bilhah so she could have sons that way. And THEN Leah tried to one up her younger sister by getting Jacob to marry HER handmaid Zilpah.
I would need a graph to even attempt to comprehend who bore what son but before all was said and done you had twelve sons who were to eventually be the twelve tribes of Jacob...or better known as Israel (which was what he was renamed when he wrestled the angel and blah, blah, blah).
Flash forward about five hunderedish years give or take and you have King David and his son King Solomon.
David had a few wives and then you had Solomon who had the absurd amount of seven hundered wives and three hundered concubines.
I have trouble fathoming a single marriage...much less all of these connections...well disconnections rather. What does it say about a person that they are so insecure that they must have so many people to give them affection and be an outlet for their sexuality?
Does it say something about our sexuality when people live like that in porn? I don't know how many relationships I've heard about where one or the other is obsessed with pornography and won't even look at, much less touch, their spouse other...and why?
Is it fear of actual love?
Rampant insecurities that demand an insatiable appetite?
I mean...I'm sure sex is great and everything...but the thought of all of those mindless connections...just thinking about it makes me feel so empty and depressed. What is this human condition where we can't even attempt monogamy? Much less for people to not desire it at all?
I don't understand my guy friends who are so obsessed with sex and talk about women as though they were just this flesh playthings that exist for the sole purpose of THEIR physical and sexual gratification.
I don't know...this stuff confuses me and makes me want to throw up.
I have my own desires and sexual impulses...but God, seriously, what is the point of being human, much less a Christian if you can't bite your tongue and at least make an effort of being something better than a dog trying to copulate with anything that moves?
It's not my place to judge and I feel like a jerk for even writing these things...but reading the Bible always throws my mind into overdrive and just...so much of the Bible is confusing...well let me rephrase, so much of people's preconceived notion of the Bible is confusing.
People must not realize how much of this stupid relationship drama is in the Bible because they (read that as ME) acts surprise to see humans do incredibly stupid things.
But...this isn't about my rants or whatever.
I just wish I could see grace in my life in a much more vivid way...not anger, a judgmental attitude or this self righteous crap that only cares about myself. But it is so hard to want to show love when I can point the finger and act as though I have my crap together.
Yes...if I even want that connection...I only want one...but I'm so disorganized, so broken, so needy that even if it fell from Heaven and I knew without a doubt to do...I don't know if I could even act if I could know what to do for sure.
Peace...hope...love.
And a crazy orange cat named Yoda that listens to me rant about this stuff twenty hours a day.
At least he doesn't think I'm too crazy.
Hopefully.
The examples are numerous and all equally aneurysm inducing.
Abraham, Sarah and Hagar (Sarah's handmaid)
Jacob was sane and took only one wife (Rebeeca) but his sons:
-Esau took two Hittite wives that caused endless grief to the family because of their idol worship
-Jacob married two sisters Rachel and Leah. There was drama from the beginning because he only intended to marry Rachel but was dupped into marrying Leah and so begrudgingly he accepted Leah and ignored her. Interestingly enough Leah gave him a series of sons rather quickly and Rachel had none...so she took a page from her grandmother's book and told Jacob to marry and sleep with her handmaid Bilhah so she could have sons that way. And THEN Leah tried to one up her younger sister by getting Jacob to marry HER handmaid Zilpah.
I would need a graph to even attempt to comprehend who bore what son but before all was said and done you had twelve sons who were to eventually be the twelve tribes of Jacob...or better known as Israel (which was what he was renamed when he wrestled the angel and blah, blah, blah).
Flash forward about five hunderedish years give or take and you have King David and his son King Solomon.
David had a few wives and then you had Solomon who had the absurd amount of seven hundered wives and three hundered concubines.
I have trouble fathoming a single marriage...much less all of these connections...well disconnections rather. What does it say about a person that they are so insecure that they must have so many people to give them affection and be an outlet for their sexuality?
Does it say something about our sexuality when people live like that in porn? I don't know how many relationships I've heard about where one or the other is obsessed with pornography and won't even look at, much less touch, their spouse other...and why?
Is it fear of actual love?
Rampant insecurities that demand an insatiable appetite?
I mean...I'm sure sex is great and everything...but the thought of all of those mindless connections...just thinking about it makes me feel so empty and depressed. What is this human condition where we can't even attempt monogamy? Much less for people to not desire it at all?
I don't understand my guy friends who are so obsessed with sex and talk about women as though they were just this flesh playthings that exist for the sole purpose of THEIR physical and sexual gratification.
I don't know...this stuff confuses me and makes me want to throw up.
I have my own desires and sexual impulses...but God, seriously, what is the point of being human, much less a Christian if you can't bite your tongue and at least make an effort of being something better than a dog trying to copulate with anything that moves?
It's not my place to judge and I feel like a jerk for even writing these things...but reading the Bible always throws my mind into overdrive and just...so much of the Bible is confusing...well let me rephrase, so much of people's preconceived notion of the Bible is confusing.
People must not realize how much of this stupid relationship drama is in the Bible because they (read that as ME) acts surprise to see humans do incredibly stupid things.
But...this isn't about my rants or whatever.
I just wish I could see grace in my life in a much more vivid way...not anger, a judgmental attitude or this self righteous crap that only cares about myself. But it is so hard to want to show love when I can point the finger and act as though I have my crap together.
Yes...if I even want that connection...I only want one...but I'm so disorganized, so broken, so needy that even if it fell from Heaven and I knew without a doubt to do...I don't know if I could even act if I could know what to do for sure.
Peace...hope...love.
And a crazy orange cat named Yoda that listens to me rant about this stuff twenty hours a day.
At least he doesn't think I'm too crazy.
Hopefully.
Sunday, September 20, 2009
"blessed are the meek who shall inherit
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye "
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye "
Rain Streaked Glass
Rain...as destructive and deadly as it has been since its inception at the flood...it still possess this unearthly beauty that makes both the sky and life seem so much more beautiful.
Rolling dark gray
and sheets of rain.
Fall down today
and wash away
all this tear streaked pain.
Because hope is eternal
and never can fear
outlast the dawn.
It is this time that is crucial
this reaching to the stars
where I dare to dream
and dare to be brave
in that sometimes
the bravest thing is to hope.
Rolling dark gray
and sheets of rain.
Fall down today
and wash away
all this tear streaked pain.
Because hope is eternal
and never can fear
outlast the dawn.
It is this time that is crucial
this reaching to the stars
where I dare to dream
and dare to be brave
in that sometimes
the bravest thing is to hope.
John 9:1-3
As He passed by, He saw a man blind from birth.
And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
And His disciples asked Him, "Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he would be born blind?"
Jesus answered, "It was neither that this man sinned, nor his parents; but it was so that the works of God might be displayed in him.
A few more Blaise Pascal quotes:
The true nature of man, his true good, true virtue, and true religion cannot be known separately.
Instead of complaining that God has kept himself hidden, you will give him thanks that he has made himself so visible. And you will give him further thanks that he has not revealed himself to the wise people full of pride, unworthy of knowing so holy of a God.
Justice, like finery, is dictated by fashion.
If our condition were truly happy, we should not have to diver ourselves from thinking about it.
We must know ourselves. Even if that did not help in discovering truth, it would at least help in putting order into our life. Nothing is more proper.
Ecclesiastes shows that man without God knows nothing and remains inevitably unhappy. To be unhappy is to want to do something but to be unable to do it. He can want to be happy and certain of some truth; however he can neither know nor want to know. He cannot even doubt.
Pride. More often than not curiosity is merely vanity. We only want to know something in order to talk about it. Otherwise we would not go on a sea voyage to say nothing about it, but simply for the pleasure of seeing things without ever hoping to describe them.
Respect means to go out of your way for others. This is seemingly aimless but it is very true, for it means that I would certainly go out of my way if you needed it, since I do it anyway when you do not. Besides, respect distinguishes the great. If respect required only to be directed at those sitting in armchairs, we would respect everyone, and there would be no distinction made. But, having gone to some trouble, we can make the distinction very easily.
Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable.
Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required.
What a distance there is between knowing God and loving Him.
"If I had seen a miracle," they say, "I would be converted." How can they affirm what they would do about something of which they know nothing? They imagine that this conversion consists in worshiping God, seeing it as some king of transaction or conversation. True conversion consists in self-abasement before the universal being whom we have so often angered and who could legitimately destroy us at any time, in recognizing that we can do nothing without him and that we have deserve nothing from him but our disgrace. It consist in knowing that there is an irreconcilable opposition between God and ourselves, and that without a mediator there can be no transaction.
Miracles exist for the sake of doctrine and not doctrine for miracles.
Miracles and truth are necessary because the whole human being must be convinced, body and soul.
Truth is so darkened nowadays, and lies so established, that unless we love the truth we will never know it.
Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it.
And his most epic quote:
Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death.
Instead of complaining that God has kept himself hidden, you will give him thanks that he has made himself so visible. And you will give him further thanks that he has not revealed himself to the wise people full of pride, unworthy of knowing so holy of a God.
Justice, like finery, is dictated by fashion.
If our condition were truly happy, we should not have to diver ourselves from thinking about it.
We must know ourselves. Even if that did not help in discovering truth, it would at least help in putting order into our life. Nothing is more proper.
Ecclesiastes shows that man without God knows nothing and remains inevitably unhappy. To be unhappy is to want to do something but to be unable to do it. He can want to be happy and certain of some truth; however he can neither know nor want to know. He cannot even doubt.
Pride. More often than not curiosity is merely vanity. We only want to know something in order to talk about it. Otherwise we would not go on a sea voyage to say nothing about it, but simply for the pleasure of seeing things without ever hoping to describe them.
Respect means to go out of your way for others. This is seemingly aimless but it is very true, for it means that I would certainly go out of my way if you needed it, since I do it anyway when you do not. Besides, respect distinguishes the great. If respect required only to be directed at those sitting in armchairs, we would respect everyone, and there would be no distinction made. But, having gone to some trouble, we can make the distinction very easily.
Christianity is strange: it requires human beings to recognize that they are vile and even abominable, and requires them to want to be like God. Without such a counterweight this elevation would make them execrably vain, or this abasement execrably despicable.
Wretchedness provokes despair.
Pride provokes presumption.
The Incarnation shows man the greatness of his wretchedness through the greatness of the remedy which was required.
What a distance there is between knowing God and loving Him.
"If I had seen a miracle," they say, "I would be converted." How can they affirm what they would do about something of which they know nothing? They imagine that this conversion consists in worshiping God, seeing it as some king of transaction or conversation. True conversion consists in self-abasement before the universal being whom we have so often angered and who could legitimately destroy us at any time, in recognizing that we can do nothing without him and that we have deserve nothing from him but our disgrace. It consist in knowing that there is an irreconcilable opposition between God and ourselves, and that without a mediator there can be no transaction.
Miracles exist for the sake of doctrine and not doctrine for miracles.
Miracles and truth are necessary because the whole human being must be convinced, body and soul.
Truth is so darkened nowadays, and lies so established, that unless we love the truth we will never know it.
Weak people are those who know the truth, but who maintain it only as far as it is in their interest to do so. Beyond that, they abandon it.
And his most epic quote:
Wretchedness. The only thing that consoles us for out miseries is distraction, yet that is the greatest of our wretchednesses. Because that is what mainly prevents us from thinking about ourselves and leads us imperceptibly to damnation. Without it we should be bored, and boredom would force us to search for a firmer way out, but distraction entertains us and leads us imperceptibly to death.
Saturday, September 19, 2009
Feeling Alive
It's the blood I feel in my veins
as my heart pumps,
the same blood that carried you
and let's me feel the same pain
that defined you.
The balance of being here and there
feeling these manipulations of my heart
that splinter apart in my mind
while daring to hope to redefine
this casting about for a part
It's just me being me
feeling a part of you,
never knowing I was looking
until You found me here.
as my heart pumps,
the same blood that carried you
and let's me feel the same pain
that defined you.
The balance of being here and there
feeling these manipulations of my heart
that splinter apart in my mind
while daring to hope to redefine
this casting about for a part
It's just me being me
feeling a part of you,
never knowing I was looking
until You found me here.
Act
I cannot just act.
There must be justification...reasoning behind the action...the purpose leading to the action that will inevitable lead to a reaction.
There has to be a process.
There is a process.
Without there is no meaning in the behavior and actions.
Action and reaction...cause and effect.
God made...things are...the Lamb loves because He is...there is accountability and an accounting...but it is for freedom and love that Christ died...to free us from sin...not so that we could be slaved to ever changing whims of our broken hearts.
Is it possible to be whole?
To regain thoughts?
To feel again?
It's like a wine...some intoxication that pulls at my heart...I feel this ice around my heart melt and warmth flood into my body...I don't deserve it...I can't comprehend it...but it is something so vivid I want to share...I know I was born to share it.
How...and why...
I don't know...so much...I'm trying to understand...I want to...
I'm afraid I'm pushing things I shouldn't...but you know...I haven't slept in a long time and my brain is getting muddled...I'm still incredibly stressed out over crap from yesterday and I need to rest my mind for a couple of hours.
The world may not end soon...it will end too soon...but hopefully not before I wake up and am able to confront this enigmatic thought once more...and strive to understand Love as is...and find a place to be...to act.
God...just help...please.
There must be justification...reasoning behind the action...the purpose leading to the action that will inevitable lead to a reaction.
There has to be a process.
There is a process.
Without there is no meaning in the behavior and actions.
Action and reaction...cause and effect.
God made...things are...the Lamb loves because He is...there is accountability and an accounting...but it is for freedom and love that Christ died...to free us from sin...not so that we could be slaved to ever changing whims of our broken hearts.
Is it possible to be whole?
To regain thoughts?
To feel again?
It's like a wine...some intoxication that pulls at my heart...I feel this ice around my heart melt and warmth flood into my body...I don't deserve it...I can't comprehend it...but it is something so vivid I want to share...I know I was born to share it.
How...and why...
I don't know...so much...I'm trying to understand...I want to...
I'm afraid I'm pushing things I shouldn't...but you know...I haven't slept in a long time and my brain is getting muddled...I'm still incredibly stressed out over crap from yesterday and I need to rest my mind for a couple of hours.
The world may not end soon...it will end too soon...but hopefully not before I wake up and am able to confront this enigmatic thought once more...and strive to understand Love as is...and find a place to be...to act.
God...just help...please.
"The Lamb" - William Blake
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Dost thou know who made thee?
Gave thee life, and bid thee feed,
By the stream and o'er the mead;
Gave thee clothing of delight,
Softest clothing, woolly, bright;
Gave thee such a tender voice,
Making all the vales rejoice?
Little Lamb, who made thee?
Dost thou know who made thee?
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee,
Little Lamb, I'll tell thee.
He is called by thy name,
For He calls Himself a Lamb.
He is meek, and He is mild;
He became a little child.
I a child, and thou a lamb,
We are called by His name.
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
Little Lamb, God bless thee!
"Day of Pigs" - Roper
Saturday
I could feet the crowd's dismay
They've acquired quite a fire
to burn the profane on a funeral pyre
Voices shrill
cutting silence like they mean to kill
Some pep rally where we scream His name
like God was loosing in a football game
I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)
Silver tongues
all the spirit of an iron lung
Selling highs as if we needed one
Flash the lights so not be outdone
Counterfeit
wanting joy so much we take a hit
like a tapeworm deep in hunger digs
Waste the sacred just to feed these pigs
I don't want to waste His name this time
I will never cast Him to the swine
(Grasping at some feeling you once knew
is nothing sacred ever safe with you?)
If this is real, then you must find it
between the space of grace and grim
It's nothing you can manufacture
your walls cannot contain Him
"Grace" - U2
Grace, she takes the blame
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that could change the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flue for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark no longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything
She covers the shame
Removes the stain
It could be her name
Grace, it's the name for a girl
It's also a thought that could change the world
And when she walks on the street
You can hear the strings
Grace finds goodness in everything
Grace, she's got the walk
Not on a ramp or on chalk
She's got the time to talk
She travels outside of karma, karma
She travels outside of karma
When she goes to work
You can hear the strings
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace, she carries a world on her hips
No champagne flue for her lips
No twirls or skips between her fingertips
She carries a pearl in perfect condition
What once was hurt
What once was friction
What left a mark no longer stings
Because Grace makes beauty
Out of ugly things
Grace finds beauty in everything
Grace finds goodness in everything
It's been a bad feeling afternoon...but...I guess I'm better.
I feel slightly numb from the medication...
Thoughts keep racing...a lot of fear and confusion...I'm praying harder though...if I'm going to go You are going to have to make a way...and I'm only going to get there, wherever there is, by trusting You.
I feel slightly numb from the medication...
Thoughts keep racing...a lot of fear and confusion...I'm praying harder though...if I'm going to go You are going to have to make a way...and I'm only going to get there, wherever there is, by trusting You.
Friday, September 18, 2009
"Spartan" - Five Iron Frenzy
Billie Holiday on the radio
my sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
another sad song and another shot of blue
cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
is his burden just as light?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
The angels are singing over the plains
the shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans designed to take away the pain
meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem
my sluggish heart is beating seven beats too slow
another sad song and another shot of blue
cold and unconcerned are anything but new
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think He’s right
If I mark the span of failure
is his burden just as light?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
Limping through the world
there’s a knowing look or two
is it just the cripples here
who understand the truth?
Why is love so painful
why do we always lose
paving pathways for the lost
the bitter, and recluse?
He said “Love endures all things”
and it hurts to think it’s true
did it nail Him on a cross
did it crucify Him too?
I am, Spartan
close my heart so tight
Jesus
Save me
from myself tonight
The angels are singing over the plains
the shepherds are quaking, echoing refrains
And all of our slogans designed to take away the pain
meant nothing to the Son of God that night in Bethlehem
I, being possessed up such ridiculous scorn and a mind which remembers countless acts I have perceived as disrespect and hurt, have such a struggle with forgiving and not seeing actions for being what they are...as opposed to what I perceive them as.
I have...I can very easily feel overwhelmed and let things build up...which is what I'm trying to fix. I don't like the feeling of things being against me...and I strive so hard to avoid contact with people who cause my anxiety to sky rocket...and I just...it's just...
The solution is escape, not escapism.
I need Light to see by...Love to feel by and...and...fill in the rest.
Please.
I have...I can very easily feel overwhelmed and let things build up...which is what I'm trying to fix. I don't like the feeling of things being against me...and I strive so hard to avoid contact with people who cause my anxiety to sky rocket...and I just...it's just...
The solution is escape, not escapism.
I need Light to see by...Love to feel by and...and...fill in the rest.
Please.
My hands ache from guitar...it's a nice feeling but it makes it hard to type...haha...wow.
It's...so strange to see mirrors...especially of the...spiritual kind. It has been so long that I almost didn't recognize it when I saw one...hmm...must press deeper into thought and try to understand...
More clarity and honest evaluation...odd but funny thoughts...
Mind so tired...maybe I do need sleep...after all...
It's...so strange to see mirrors...especially of the...spiritual kind. It has been so long that I almost didn't recognize it when I saw one...hmm...must press deeper into thought and try to understand...
More clarity and honest evaluation...odd but funny thoughts...
Mind so tired...maybe I do need sleep...after all...
"Farewell to Arms" - Five Iron Frenzy
You said, "Down with the church",
with your fists up in the air,
all the rancor and the hate,
yeah we saw your frigid stare.
You hate Christianity, but love your animosity,
it's the church who's getting rotten,
yet it's Christ that you've forgotten.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.
Clench your fists and grit your teeth,
save forgiveness for the weak.
Let your bitterness consume,
let the salt rub in your wounds.
You have saved up all your spite,
stoked the flame that keeps the fight,
it's so hard to be objective,
when your reason is defective.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.
You say that you've aged, I think you're just enraged.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Who incited, what ignited, all this hatred?
Say farewell to arms.
Broken hearted, dearly departed,
maybe we should say farewell to arms.
with your fists up in the air,
all the rancor and the hate,
yeah we saw your frigid stare.
You hate Christianity, but love your animosity,
it's the church who's getting rotten,
yet it's Christ that you've forgotten.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.
Clench your fists and grit your teeth,
save forgiveness for the weak.
Let your bitterness consume,
let the salt rub in your wounds.
You have saved up all your spite,
stoked the flame that keeps the fight,
it's so hard to be objective,
when your reason is defective.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Lay down your hate,
(the burden and) the weight will disappear.
If you could separate your anger,
from that still small voice you hear.
You say that you've aged, I think you're just enraged.
Goodnight, goodbye, farewell to arms, it's time.
Who incited, what ignited, all this hatred?
Say farewell to arms.
Broken hearted, dearly departed,
maybe we should say farewell to arms.
Does anyone else remember a time when Mozilla Firefox was vastly superior to Internet Explorer?
Does anyone else remember when Mozilla did not consist of so much suck?
I miss those days and I'm so sick of Mozilla hogging all of my ram and crashing itself or my computer.
Bah.
If this keeps up I will code my own browser and made it 8-bit themed.
Does anyone else remember when Mozilla did not consist of so much suck?
I miss those days and I'm so sick of Mozilla hogging all of my ram and crashing itself or my computer.
Bah.
If this keeps up I will code my own browser and made it 8-bit themed.
Thursday, September 17, 2009
So...I didn't say this earlier...
ZOMG EXPLOSIONS OF AWESOME!!!
THE FIVE IRON FRENZY DVD IS FINALLY COMING!!!!
IT'S FIVE YEARS OVERDUE BUT ZXOMGAWESOMESAUCE IT'S COMING!!!
http://www.fifdvd.com/
Ahem.
I'm sure it's going to be delayed for another 3-15 months...but that is fine.
I'm just happy Reese Roper hasn't given up on his rather lunatic prone fans.
I suspect that if there is announcement about Brave Saint Saturn touring the Anti Christ will in fact rise the day the tour was supposed to reach wherever I am living at the time.
Ohhh...goodness.
I can't believe it's coming out...I freaking missed seeing them because of being 17 and not allowed to drive three hours to see them on their final tour...but dangit...I don't care if I have to sell plasma, offer my cat to a pawn shop or find a job taking part in medical trials...I will have this DVD and will weep tears of joy at finally seeing a full live performance of Every New Day.
I remember going to my rather crappy senior prom and leaving after an hour or so and going across the street from the Winfry Hotel and going to some music store...and actually SEEING Five Iron Frenzy's last album that had came out that week...'The End Is Here'...a double album contain their last studio record and their final concert.
If I didn't belong to an online community of fellow dorks I would feel so strange saying these rather unknown bands changed my life...but they did.
And since this is my blog...if you want to be considered my friend still you have to listen to these and like at least half of them.
Sorry that's the rules.
THE FIVE IRON FRENZY DVD IS FINALLY COMING!!!!
IT'S FIVE YEARS OVERDUE BUT ZXOMGAWESOMESAUCE IT'S COMING!!!
http://www.fifdvd.com/
Ahem.
I'm sure it's going to be delayed for another 3-15 months...but that is fine.
I'm just happy Reese Roper hasn't given up on his rather lunatic prone fans.
I suspect that if there is announcement about Brave Saint Saturn touring the Anti Christ will in fact rise the day the tour was supposed to reach wherever I am living at the time.
Ohhh...goodness.
I can't believe it's coming out...I freaking missed seeing them because of being 17 and not allowed to drive three hours to see them on their final tour...but dangit...I don't care if I have to sell plasma, offer my cat to a pawn shop or find a job taking part in medical trials...I will have this DVD and will weep tears of joy at finally seeing a full live performance of Every New Day.
I remember going to my rather crappy senior prom and leaving after an hour or so and going across the street from the Winfry Hotel and going to some music store...and actually SEEING Five Iron Frenzy's last album that had came out that week...'The End Is Here'...a double album contain their last studio record and their final concert.
If I didn't belong to an online community of fellow dorks I would feel so strange saying these rather unknown bands changed my life...but they did.
And since this is my blog...if you want to be considered my friend still you have to listen to these and like at least half of them.
Sorry that's the rules.
A Few Blaise Pascal Quotes
"We sail within a vast sphere, ever drifting in uncertainty, driven from end to end. When we think to attach ourselves to any point and to fasten to it, it wavers and leaves us; and if we follow it, it eludes our grasp, slips past us, and vanishes for ever. Nothing stays for us. This is our natural condition and yet most contrary to our inclination; we burn with desire to find solid ground and an ultimate sure foundation whereon to build a tower reaching to the Infinite. But our whole groundwork cracks, and the earth opens to abysses."
"For, in fact, what is man in nature? A Nothing in comparison with the Infinite, an All in comparison with the Nothing, a mean between nothing and everything. Since he is infinitely removed from comprehending the extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret; he is equally incapable of seeing the Nothing from which he was made, and the Infinite in which he is swallowed up."
"We desire truth, and find within ourselves only uncertainty. We seek happiness, and find only misery and death. We cannot but desire truth and happiness, and are incapable of certainty or happiness. This desire is left to us, partly to punish us, partly to make us perceive where from we are fallen."
"The knowledge of God without that of man's misery causes pride. The knowledge of man's misery without that of God causes despair. The knowledge of Jesus Christ constitutes the middle course, because in Him we find both God and our misery."
"Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ. We know life and death only through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves."
"For, in fact, what is man in nature? A Nothing in comparison with the Infinite, an All in comparison with the Nothing, a mean between nothing and everything. Since he is infinitely removed from comprehending the extremes, the end of things and their beginning are hopelessly hidden from him in an impenetrable secret; he is equally incapable of seeing the Nothing from which he was made, and the Infinite in which he is swallowed up."
"We desire truth, and find within ourselves only uncertainty. We seek happiness, and find only misery and death. We cannot but desire truth and happiness, and are incapable of certainty or happiness. This desire is left to us, partly to punish us, partly to make us perceive where from we are fallen."
"The knowledge of God without that of man's misery causes pride. The knowledge of man's misery without that of God causes despair. The knowledge of Jesus Christ constitutes the middle course, because in Him we find both God and our misery."
"Not only do we know God by Jesus Christ alone, but we know ourselves only by Jesus Christ. We know life and death only through Jesus Christ. Apart from Jesus Christ, we do not know what is our life, nor our death, nor God, nor ourselves."
Psalm 40:1-3
I waited patiently for the LORD;
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the slimy pit,
out of the mud and mire;
he set my feet on a rock
and gave me a firm place to stand.
He put a new song in my mouth,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see and fear the LORD
and put their trust in him.
"Verge of a Miracle" - Rich Mullins
Clung to a ball
That was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit
There You are
Whether you fall down
Or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far
Someone's waiting to put wings
Upon your flightless heart
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Here in your room
Where nobody can see
Voices are loud
But seldom clear
But beneath the confusion
That's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear
The love that seems so far away
Is standing very near
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
When you've played out
Your last chance
And your directions
Have all been lost
When the roads that you look down
Are all dead ends
Look up
You could see if you'd just look up
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
That was hung in the sky
Hurled into orbit
There You are
Whether you fall down
Or whether you fly
Seems you can never get too far
Someone's waiting to put wings
Upon your flightless heart
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Here in your room
Where nobody can see
Voices are loud
But seldom clear
But beneath the confusion
That's running so deep
There is a promise you must hear
The love that seems so far away
Is standing very near
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
When you've played out
Your last chance
And your directions
Have all been lost
When the roads that you look down
Are all dead ends
Look up
You could see if you'd just look up
You're on the verge of a miracle
Standing there
Oh you're on the verge of a miracle
Just waiting to be believed in
Open your eyes and see
You're on the verge of a miracle
Good Morning
A second wind is blowing through me...passing by my thoughts, my ever lacking esteem and you know...it's nice to know I'm not alone.
It may rain, it may be sun filled day...I'm not sure...but the sky is filled with light even at this dark hour...the angels are singing their peace around the throne and...I feel things that I haven't in a while...curiosity, hopeful anticipation...something mixed, something old, something new and many unexpected things flowing through my mind at so late of an hour.
As much as I would like to pinpoint a few things...a theme mayhaps...it's lacking for sure.
I'm not even sure what I am trying to say...I want to sing, I want to dance in freedom...I feel more alive in this exhausted, spent and medicated stupor then I have since I can last remember (which is about two weeks give or take) and...and...what does it mean?
A challenge...some shaping of the soul perhaps...refinement by processing and thinking deeper...analyzing and pulling from my books and trying to understand that which I have avoided...
This is not making sense to me.
I'm not sure about where I wanted to go when I finished Mobile...I mean...I was told where to go but I think I backed out because of fear...and I ended up hear sick...I don't know if it's normal for those with chronic pain...but I haven't even really thought about...being alive in the year 2010...or living to hit twenty-five or thirty or whatever....
I don't know...tell me...does that sound morbid?
I'm ready to start trying to live again...I feel some sort of energy, some sort of...ability to smile even though it hurts to smile...
But it's still good...is this making sense yet?
I don't think it is...but that is okay.
I'm sort of used to being so...scattered...and it's not that I have someone special other than You...I'm trying to impress...I just...wish I could give better meaning, better words, somehow give You what You have deserved for all these years.
I love You.
You knew this before matter was matter, before I had oxygen to breath and before I cried my first time...You knew the scars that I would carry and my odd way of walking...did you plan for me to look so goofy with my hair not being cut? I mean...You love me...don't You?
I feel...intoxicated...with how...vivid You feel...
Who...or what even...I'm speechless.
I cannot begin to give meaning to my words...You know what I've been trying to say while I go on and on...maybe I'll shush before I just loose the meaning all together.
"It won't break my heart to say goodbye..."
Wednesday, September 16, 2009
Mechanics of Derivatives
In these hands I hold this weight,
the burden of your ever lost soul
reluctant I have held through the night
as I watch the growing holes.
Melodrama, now and for sure
reluctant in this blessed allure
but I held the tools
as they stole my heart
turning man into machine.
Flesh bearing out this fool
believing as I am man made art
and making myself forget what has been.
It is blood that shaped my bearing
and blood that hearkened this forgiving
as I look north and stare into the mind
of the one who would steal my heart
perpetuating this horror show maligning
and eating those who respond in kind
but it is You who divide and cleave.
You that spoke this all into being
and the Author of my final reprive.
I'm ready to face the being I am
and bearing this beam
carry wood and stone
and pass through fire and dreams
and feel the endless wind as it is blown
casting me towards this future,
one of hope and rapture.
the burden of your ever lost soul
reluctant I have held through the night
as I watch the growing holes.
Melodrama, now and for sure
reluctant in this blessed allure
but I held the tools
as they stole my heart
turning man into machine.
Flesh bearing out this fool
believing as I am man made art
and making myself forget what has been.
It is blood that shaped my bearing
and blood that hearkened this forgiving
as I look north and stare into the mind
of the one who would steal my heart
perpetuating this horror show maligning
and eating those who respond in kind
but it is You who divide and cleave.
You that spoke this all into being
and the Author of my final reprive.
I'm ready to face the being I am
and bearing this beam
carry wood and stone
and pass through fire and dreams
and feel the endless wind as it is blown
casting me towards this future,
one of hope and rapture.
A few memories of a dream...
Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you
And somewhere/Beyond the frozen fields, I clearly see/The end of our misery/A part of the place we knew
And slowly down through the fire, burning/Into this darkness I fall/
Your presence right here beside me, yearning/Through it all
dokoka/ame to aki matsu no mukou/inaka no yuki ni/anata mitsukeru
(Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/
That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you)
dokoka/kotta hara no mukou, atashi/mijimesa musabi/shiteta dokoro ni
(And somewhere/Beyond the frozen fields, I clearly see/The end of our misery/A part of the place we knew)
And as the shadow dawns upon us/All I seem to think about is/Where our hope has faded away/Into
kage wo miedashitara/kangaeru dake wa/shioreta nozomi
doko ni...
(And as the shadow dawns upon us/All I seem to think about is/
Where our hope has faded away/Into)
And somewhere/Beyond the hills below the horizon sun/A life that has just begun/A life we’re meant to know
dokoka/ame to aki matsu no mukou/inaka no yuki ni/anata mitsukeru
(Somewhere/Beyond the rain and autumn plains, the snow/That litters the countryside/I find a piece of you)
Tuesday, September 15, 2009
On Grace, Maybe...
I am...it feels surreal.
I hope these dreams go away soon...
I found some relics from my dad earlier today...one of the two drumsticks he once got from a Styx concert, a couple of photos, a video of when I was three and we were a 'family', a couple of photos...I've got to find a shoebox for this stuff...
I also found a couple of cards from my grandmother.
It is strange how certain images can trigger chemical reactions...memories I tried to forget...
I need to get to writing...I just am afraid of looking down that black hole.
Is that normal?
It's silly fear the past or finding out things I don't want to know...but I guess there is something in every kid that wants to think their daddy is someone...respectable, someone worth looking up to...that you can believe in and love...yet...I have One who is...but God I just wish i could have a hug...I can remember the last time I had a hug for him and felt the bristles on his unshaven face press against my cheek.
The smell even.
I just wish I knew if he knew Jesus or not...that is one reason I wish I could say that the whole personal commitment thing is okay...but I know being good isn't enough...if Heaven and more important being with God was based on merit badges my dad would be screwed anyway.
I mean...the idea of God loving everyone enough to hold us accountable for our lives...and how desperately broken and lost we are and in need of that love and grace...it takes on a whole new meaning when you HAVE to trust Jesus knows what He is doing.
I wonder what he would think about me call to ministry...or this whole California idea...or trying to get an internship with xxxchurch...clearly some family look at me confused when I mention it...sometimes I wonder if he would get it...or would care...I mean in ways it *doesn't* matter...but in deep ways it would to me.
I'm...who I am...what I'm doing now...I'm spinning my tires and staying put on this spot. I think I've been using my illness, my fear...just as a reason to stay here. I hate, hate, hate being here...it's like being back in high school with what few enjoyable things stripped...
I want to walk on and leave the past behind where it should be...
I'm going to be carrying bits and pieces of this...most days it is manageable but on occasion...the love I feel can seem more like a poisonous wound that almost feels festering.
Things are not as dramatic as I make them out a lot of the time...but...but...words, words, words...
Maybe one day I'll borrow a page from Orson Scott Card's Ender series and maybe...try my hand at being a speaker for the dead.
For those unfamiliar with his sci-fi work...a speaker for the dead is a person that travels from planet to planet and at the request of people they research a deceased person and then speak about them. It's not simply a eulogy because they speak about their entire lives...all of it. The good, the bad and most importantly the ugly...it's a deceleration of the human experince...our condition and need to lie to ourselves that everything is okay when it's not.
I can't say the name David Alan Pike without cringing and wanting to hide my face...I need to...how did John Lennon put it? Cut a vein and let it all pour out on a page? I have a lot of half formed thoughts about that man...my dad...and part of me, the weak part, wants to hide from that...but I know I need to see me for me...and just open things up...air these ghosts and let things flutter and fly out.
I...so beginning was here in Jemison and I was returned here for a reason.
I don't know why...I may not know this side of eternity...but I'm ready to walk forward and see where this is all going.
It's...purpose...it is there...I thought I knew it but...You are there and are holding me up. Thank You...thank You so much...for just caring about me, for letting me having silly conversations, for feeling music, for taking this breath, for whatever challenges I'll see tomorrow...for giving me enough life that I can feel this pain...and the hope that this...that all of this will be okay...will work out and winning my love...thank You.
Help me...step forward.
I hope these dreams go away soon...
I found some relics from my dad earlier today...one of the two drumsticks he once got from a Styx concert, a couple of photos, a video of when I was three and we were a 'family', a couple of photos...I've got to find a shoebox for this stuff...
I also found a couple of cards from my grandmother.
It is strange how certain images can trigger chemical reactions...memories I tried to forget...
I need to get to writing...I just am afraid of looking down that black hole.
Is that normal?
It's silly fear the past or finding out things I don't want to know...but I guess there is something in every kid that wants to think their daddy is someone...respectable, someone worth looking up to...that you can believe in and love...yet...I have One who is...but God I just wish i could have a hug...I can remember the last time I had a hug for him and felt the bristles on his unshaven face press against my cheek.
The smell even.
I just wish I knew if he knew Jesus or not...that is one reason I wish I could say that the whole personal commitment thing is okay...but I know being good isn't enough...if Heaven and more important being with God was based on merit badges my dad would be screwed anyway.
I mean...the idea of God loving everyone enough to hold us accountable for our lives...and how desperately broken and lost we are and in need of that love and grace...it takes on a whole new meaning when you HAVE to trust Jesus knows what He is doing.
I wonder what he would think about me call to ministry...or this whole California idea...or trying to get an internship with xxxchurch...clearly some family look at me confused when I mention it...sometimes I wonder if he would get it...or would care...I mean in ways it *doesn't* matter...but in deep ways it would to me.
I'm...who I am...what I'm doing now...I'm spinning my tires and staying put on this spot. I think I've been using my illness, my fear...just as a reason to stay here. I hate, hate, hate being here...it's like being back in high school with what few enjoyable things stripped...
I want to walk on and leave the past behind where it should be...
I'm going to be carrying bits and pieces of this...most days it is manageable but on occasion...the love I feel can seem more like a poisonous wound that almost feels festering.
Things are not as dramatic as I make them out a lot of the time...but...but...words, words, words...
Maybe one day I'll borrow a page from Orson Scott Card's Ender series and maybe...try my hand at being a speaker for the dead.
For those unfamiliar with his sci-fi work...a speaker for the dead is a person that travels from planet to planet and at the request of people they research a deceased person and then speak about them. It's not simply a eulogy because they speak about their entire lives...all of it. The good, the bad and most importantly the ugly...it's a deceleration of the human experince...our condition and need to lie to ourselves that everything is okay when it's not.
I can't say the name David Alan Pike without cringing and wanting to hide my face...I need to...how did John Lennon put it? Cut a vein and let it all pour out on a page? I have a lot of half formed thoughts about that man...my dad...and part of me, the weak part, wants to hide from that...but I know I need to see me for me...and just open things up...air these ghosts and let things flutter and fly out.
I...so beginning was here in Jemison and I was returned here for a reason.
I don't know why...I may not know this side of eternity...but I'm ready to walk forward and see where this is all going.
It's...purpose...it is there...I thought I knew it but...You are there and are holding me up. Thank You...thank You so much...for just caring about me, for letting me having silly conversations, for feeling music, for taking this breath, for whatever challenges I'll see tomorrow...for giving me enough life that I can feel this pain...and the hope that this...that all of this will be okay...will work out and winning my love...thank You.
Help me...step forward.
Cleaning...cleaning...cleaning...but no book yet.
How is it possible for me to accumulate so much useless junk in one room?
I'm forgetting something and I cannot remember what it is...higher dosage of medication means less ability to remember and...maybe other stuff too.
Conversations...thinking...how many of the conversations I'm having are real or fake? This is getting crazy...the doctor said vivid dreams but this is a bit...crazy.
Hrmmm...
How is it possible for me to accumulate so much useless junk in one room?
I'm forgetting something and I cannot remember what it is...higher dosage of medication means less ability to remember and...maybe other stuff too.
Conversations...thinking...how many of the conversations I'm having are real or fake? This is getting crazy...the doctor said vivid dreams but this is a bit...crazy.
Hrmmm...
Monday, September 14, 2009
If I ever got a new dog it would be awesome to get one of these:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon_dog
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tanuki01_960.jpg
What is it with me and having a heart for the animals where God got bored and threw several species in a blender and let it whirl?
A pity I can't get a domestic platypus...
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Raccoon_dog
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/File:Tanuki01_960.jpg
What is it with me and having a heart for the animals where God got bored and threw several species in a blender and let it whirl?
A pity I can't get a domestic platypus...
A Little Swing, A Little Dance
Either way is here...everywhere is nowhere but here.
A sonnet...a penny for your thought
Buying these poorly constructed metaphors
and selling feelings I never bought.
Hearing the opening and closing of doors
meaning words I don't know or can hear.
Good night.
Good morning.
Is it still just all the same?
I'm not sure either
I just know it's neither games
or an endless pursuit of pain
nor just this breath of ether
to wake me from slumber.
I'm afraid structure is slipping in
breaking through cracks
making things stack against me
and making whatever this is be
just another step in and out.
In and out of whatever sync
we're struggling to find
in whatever conditioned world this is.
I wanted to open but maybe it should be closed.
Maybe.
I'm not sure either
just that I want to be known and understood
and being understood as being understood.
Time is a friend
or maybe just an enemy in disguise
playing at his game and here we go.
Breaking, falling, spinning
into this place here.
It's just a good night
and a good morning,
sleep tight
and dream until daylight sparks
break through your eyes
lighting up life
and bringing together
another day that might make life
just seem another day.
Knowing I don't know
but knowing just enough
just to say
I hope it's good,
hope its beautiful
hope its wonderful
and more you could ever ask for.
Sleep today
and wake up feeling
more together
and less apart
then you could ever have at night.
A sonnet...a penny for your thought
Buying these poorly constructed metaphors
and selling feelings I never bought.
Hearing the opening and closing of doors
meaning words I don't know or can hear.
Good night.
Good morning.
Is it still just all the same?
I'm not sure either
I just know it's neither games
or an endless pursuit of pain
nor just this breath of ether
to wake me from slumber.
I'm afraid structure is slipping in
breaking through cracks
making things stack against me
and making whatever this is be
just another step in and out.
In and out of whatever sync
we're struggling to find
in whatever conditioned world this is.
I wanted to open but maybe it should be closed.
Maybe.
I'm not sure either
just that I want to be known and understood
and being understood as being understood.
Time is a friend
or maybe just an enemy in disguise
playing at his game and here we go.
Breaking, falling, spinning
into this place here.
It's just a good night
and a good morning,
sleep tight
and dream until daylight sparks
break through your eyes
lighting up life
and bringing together
another day that might make life
just seem another day.
Knowing I don't know
but knowing just enough
just to say
I hope it's good,
hope its beautiful
hope its wonderful
and more you could ever ask for.
Sleep today
and wake up feeling
more together
and less apart
then you could ever have at night.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
I'm too tired/lazy to care about trying to put another band together...but I realized the name 'Epilogue' isn't such a bad name for a band.
Also if I could ever do my electronic project I've wanted to for years it would incorporate the sampling and remixing of many Super Nintendo era songs...so the name 'Epoch' (as a not so subtle reference to 'Chrono Trigger') would be a rocking name.
Also if I could ever do my electronic project I've wanted to for years it would incorporate the sampling and remixing of many Super Nintendo era songs...so the name 'Epoch' (as a not so subtle reference to 'Chrono Trigger') would be a rocking name.
Saturday, September 12, 2009
"The Fear Of God" - Showbread
Dear God, why should I think You’re good in a world that’s falling apart?
The flags and lies, picket signs raised high, the endless enveloping dark
Now here we sit, drifting further from You, two thousand years on their way out
Now here I am, as I’ve grown to know You, still haunted by my fears and my doubts
Just a man, just a vapor, just a waste of your space
All the good that I’ve done is in spite of myself
I’m not sure that I can look You in Your face when I finally set foot in Your kingdom
Dear God, what went wrong? We hate ourselves, we hate our brother
We so desperately want to find our way, and all You say is "love one another"
And little babies starve to death, emaciated, out of breath
Unfaithful wives make vows untrue, husbands beat them black and blue
Junkies vomit in the streets, writhing, twitching in their skin
Sell themselves to die some more, rotting from the outside in
Parents steal the innocence from their children, scared and shaking
Drink away the guilt at night, brings quiet to the endless aching
And evil men boast on TV, swimming in a sea of wealth
While misery beds honest men, and lonely people kill themselves
And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I’ve no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen
'Teardrop on the fire'
Nothing is shutting down right now...I feel so...devoid of anything meaningful.
I want to edit my latest essay but I can't bare to write a defense to ward off criticism for reading 'evil' novels.
I feel so stressed.
Like I'm going to explode...or throw up or just cry or something.
I can't get this poison out.
Music isn't helping, I can't focus to pray...I've no one I can talk to...I just need out.
Now.
Some escape, I want to run away...not to my imagination because it's empty and ugly...it just reminds me of how plagued everything is. How I keep nicking myself with a razor blade while shaving and the blood just creeps down my throat and reminds me of how a few years ago I almost threw everything away over a person who I doubt would spit on me if I was on fire.
There are so many thoughts that are not just racing but tearing through my head right now.
Desires.
Screams.
Pain.
I have a migraine.
My spine feels like it's on fire.
I keep forgetting that although hair itself cannot hurt the bits that connect the follicles to my scalp can get agitated and hurt like a mofo.
Jesus what am I even trying to pray for?
Do You know?
Why don't I just nuke this blog and migrate back to my anonymous Live Journal account from back in college? It was whiny stupid prayers but at least I didn't have people trying to confront my problems...or over analyzing every phrase.
I just don't like myself right now.
Or You (You, being Jesus, please don't ask if it is you. Thanks.).
I don't know right now.
Things are still racing.
I want to talk to You, yes You.
Could you bother to come down long enough for us to speak?
I keep thinking of my favorite Peanuts shirt (which I keep getting reminded that it is 'childish', thank you for the fashion advice and please go find some short pier to take a long walk on) and it's one of the 'Sandlot Peanuts' strips. I connected to well because I read these when I was in third through fifth grade and I played little league and sucked, horribly.
Back to the point.
Charlie Brown swings and misses the ball so he says 'fine' and he leaves and holds Snoopy in his lap and says "At least I can hold my dog." and Snoopy promptly falls out of his lap. I wish I could hold my dog but I can't. He died back in May while I was back in Mobile for a wedding I really had little desire to go to.
He was one of the few living things from my childhood I liked quite a bit.
I still have my cat but he'll leave me too in a few years, if I'm lucky.
Or maybe I'll just end up abandoning him whenever I get the Hell out of this place.
I don't know...I don't know if I live in the future or live so apart from time that I'll wake up and it'll be the day before yesterday or just another relentless list of things to not do.
I don't know.
Have I said that lately?
Jeez...people will start thinking I'm stressed or crazy or crazily stressed or something.
Something.
Distracted by fallen angels and muses...shooting stars and songs of elves while sitting here and not knowing what I'm doing here.
I keep thinking of wasting what little money I have on reactivating my World of Warcraft account and will slap myself if I do that. I don't think I am going to let anyone pay for that so I'll just start making statues out of stray bits of paper in my room or something.
Or maybe I'll just pile everything outside and burn it.
That might be nice.
Seeing the movie tonight did something in me...disturbed something that I thought I had locked down and smothered.
Finishing the book earlier just awoke more nostalgia and more of a reminder that this place isn't my home, this world isn't what I was meant to live in...that things are fallen and make no sense...and the more people try to push me into a mold the more pissed off I get and the more tired I get of *people*.
No one knows what they should do with themselves and I'm not angry at well meaning advice...just people shoving their opinions as absolute truth down my throat.
I just want to explode...not hurt others...not cause pain...but just brilliantly explode in flames and be done with it all...just pass through into what is real.
It doesn't feel like this flesh, this world, this being, these desires are real...it's like this is all a horrible dream...a fleeting nightmare before I awake into the real world...wake into grace...and love...and the Life that is endless...that is beauty and has no constraint.
I want to edit my latest essay but I can't bare to write a defense to ward off criticism for reading 'evil' novels.
I feel so stressed.
Like I'm going to explode...or throw up or just cry or something.
I can't get this poison out.
Music isn't helping, I can't focus to pray...I've no one I can talk to...I just need out.
Now.
Some escape, I want to run away...not to my imagination because it's empty and ugly...it just reminds me of how plagued everything is. How I keep nicking myself with a razor blade while shaving and the blood just creeps down my throat and reminds me of how a few years ago I almost threw everything away over a person who I doubt would spit on me if I was on fire.
There are so many thoughts that are not just racing but tearing through my head right now.
Desires.
Screams.
Pain.
I have a migraine.
My spine feels like it's on fire.
I keep forgetting that although hair itself cannot hurt the bits that connect the follicles to my scalp can get agitated and hurt like a mofo.
Jesus what am I even trying to pray for?
Do You know?
Why don't I just nuke this blog and migrate back to my anonymous Live Journal account from back in college? It was whiny stupid prayers but at least I didn't have people trying to confront my problems...or over analyzing every phrase.
I just don't like myself right now.
Or You (You, being Jesus, please don't ask if it is you. Thanks.).
I don't know right now.
Things are still racing.
I want to talk to You, yes You.
Could you bother to come down long enough for us to speak?
I keep thinking of my favorite Peanuts shirt (which I keep getting reminded that it is 'childish', thank you for the fashion advice and please go find some short pier to take a long walk on) and it's one of the 'Sandlot Peanuts' strips. I connected to well because I read these when I was in third through fifth grade and I played little league and sucked, horribly.
Back to the point.
Charlie Brown swings and misses the ball so he says 'fine' and he leaves and holds Snoopy in his lap and says "At least I can hold my dog." and Snoopy promptly falls out of his lap. I wish I could hold my dog but I can't. He died back in May while I was back in Mobile for a wedding I really had little desire to go to.
He was one of the few living things from my childhood I liked quite a bit.
I still have my cat but he'll leave me too in a few years, if I'm lucky.
Or maybe I'll just end up abandoning him whenever I get the Hell out of this place.
I don't know...I don't know if I live in the future or live so apart from time that I'll wake up and it'll be the day before yesterday or just another relentless list of things to not do.
I don't know.
Have I said that lately?
Jeez...people will start thinking I'm stressed or crazy or crazily stressed or something.
Something.
Distracted by fallen angels and muses...shooting stars and songs of elves while sitting here and not knowing what I'm doing here.
I keep thinking of wasting what little money I have on reactivating my World of Warcraft account and will slap myself if I do that. I don't think I am going to let anyone pay for that so I'll just start making statues out of stray bits of paper in my room or something.
Or maybe I'll just pile everything outside and burn it.
That might be nice.
Seeing the movie tonight did something in me...disturbed something that I thought I had locked down and smothered.
Finishing the book earlier just awoke more nostalgia and more of a reminder that this place isn't my home, this world isn't what I was meant to live in...that things are fallen and make no sense...and the more people try to push me into a mold the more pissed off I get and the more tired I get of *people*.
No one knows what they should do with themselves and I'm not angry at well meaning advice...just people shoving their opinions as absolute truth down my throat.
I just want to explode...not hurt others...not cause pain...but just brilliantly explode in flames and be done with it all...just pass through into what is real.
It doesn't feel like this flesh, this world, this being, these desires are real...it's like this is all a horrible dream...a fleeting nightmare before I awake into the real world...wake into grace...and love...and the Life that is endless...that is beauty and has no constraint.
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