'Teardrop on the fire'

Nothing is shutting down right now...I feel so...devoid of anything meaningful.

I want to edit my latest essay but I can't bare to write a defense to ward off criticism for reading 'evil' novels.

I feel so stressed.

Like I'm going to explode...or throw up or just cry or something.

I can't get this poison out.

Music isn't helping, I can't focus to pray...I've no one I can talk to...I just need out.

Now.

Some escape, I want to run away...not to my imagination because it's empty and ugly...it just reminds me of how plagued everything is. How I keep nicking myself with a razor blade while shaving and the blood just creeps down my throat and reminds me of how a few years ago I almost threw everything away over a person who I doubt would spit on me if I was on fire.

There are so many thoughts that are not just racing but tearing through my head right now.

Desires.

Screams.

Pain.

I have a migraine.

My spine feels like it's on fire.

I keep forgetting that although hair itself cannot hurt the bits that connect the follicles to my scalp can get agitated and hurt like a mofo.

Jesus what am I even trying to pray for?

Do You know?

Why don't I just nuke this blog and migrate back to my anonymous Live Journal account from back in college? It was whiny stupid prayers but at least I didn't have people trying to confront my problems...or over analyzing every phrase.

I just don't like myself right now.

Or You (You, being Jesus, please don't ask if it is you. Thanks.).

I don't know right now.

Things are still racing.

I want to talk to You, yes You.
Could you bother to come down long enough for us to speak?

I keep thinking of my favorite Peanuts shirt (which I keep getting reminded that it is 'childish', thank you for the fashion advice and please go find some short pier to take a long walk on) and it's one of the 'Sandlot Peanuts' strips. I connected to well because I read these when I was in third through fifth grade and I played little league and sucked, horribly.

Back to the point.

Charlie Brown swings and misses the ball so he says 'fine' and he leaves and holds Snoopy in his lap and says "At least I can hold my dog." and Snoopy promptly falls out of his lap. I wish I could hold my dog but I can't. He died back in May while I was back in Mobile for a wedding I really had little desire to go to.

He was one of the few living things from my childhood I liked quite a bit.

I still have my cat but he'll leave me too in a few years, if I'm lucky.

Or maybe I'll just end up abandoning him whenever I get the Hell out of this place.

I don't know...I don't know if I live in the future or live so apart from time that I'll wake up and it'll be the day before yesterday or just another relentless list of things to not do.

I don't know.

Have I said that lately?

Jeez...people will start thinking I'm stressed or crazy or crazily stressed or something.

Something.

Distracted by fallen angels and muses...shooting stars and songs of elves while sitting here and not knowing what I'm doing here.

I keep thinking of wasting what little money I have on reactivating my World of Warcraft account and will slap myself if I do that. I don't think I am going to let anyone pay for that so I'll just start making statues out of stray bits of paper in my room or something.

Or maybe I'll just pile everything outside and burn it.

That might be nice.

Seeing the movie tonight did something in me...disturbed something that I thought I had locked down and smothered.

Finishing the book earlier just awoke more nostalgia and more of a reminder that this place isn't my home, this world isn't what I was meant to live in...that things are fallen and make no sense...and the more people try to push me into a mold the more pissed off I get and the more tired I get of *people*.

No one knows what they should do with themselves and I'm not angry at well meaning advice...just people shoving their opinions as absolute truth down my throat.

I just want to explode...not hurt others...not cause pain...but just brilliantly explode in flames and be done with it all...just pass through into what is real.

It doesn't feel like this flesh, this world, this being, these desires are real...it's like this is all a horrible dream...a fleeting nightmare before I awake into the real world...wake into grace...and love...and the Life that is endless...that is beauty and has no constraint.