Boom

So...I should make a goal...right?

How about...if I don't get out of this house by January I'm going to pack my backpack, drive as far as my car will take me and then get out and start walking.

If I stay here much longer I feel like I'm going to have a blood clot form in my brain and explode from how...upsetting it is...feeling like I'm being treated like I am a child.

I'm overreacting...I'm feeling this surge or absolute rage because of how passive I am...when I am around certain people I shut down.

It's like having a key turned and I feel like I'm just a child again...lost, confused, just like the Sunday morning when I found out my dad died. A cheerfully bright sun and the feeling of my stomach having left my body.

I don't want pity, I don't want charity, I don't even know what I want except to be able to find a means to gather enough money to get out of this house and going where I think Jesus is saying to go.

I'm so freaking sick of people who pretend to understand how I feel as long as it is convenient for them. I want to scream at them and tell them I don't enjoy being sick, I hate being in pain and feeling like my insides are on fire, that if I eat ANYTHING I will become violently ill and not able to crawl to the bathroom much less walk down a flight of stupid stairs to go and get some stupid job so I can be 'successful' or whatever that is supposed to be.

Anger like this isn't healthy.

It comes from years of repressed emotions, feelings and the desire to tell people where they can go and burn.

I'm shaking from being upset, I want to cry, I want to throw this computer across this room, I want to punch a wall, I want to do stupid things so I can express the fact that YES I am upset.

But...I believe the verse is..."for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God." James 1:20.

And taking revenge, yelling, acting like the stupid kid I am won't fix anything.

Actually voicing my opinions, my thoughts like a rational adult...that might fix something.

But God...I'm just so sick of people who do not understand...the people I want so desperately to understand either don't or they can't...for whatever reason...and I can't handle the constant pain.

I need prayer, please.

I need to feel Love...I need to be reminded it'll be okay...even though I feel like I'm stepping off into a bottomless pit...I know it'll be okay.


I don't believe in you, your meaningless crap about people being mere resources for my advantage. I refuse to believe your garbage you spew about the material. I would rather die in hunger and poverty being obedient then living with myself about being too much of a coward to sacrifice to do what I am told.

I can breath and I will.

This is not the end...I'm still upset but I'm feeling the worst of the anger bleed away.

I despise this part of me...that is so much of a coward that it would rather scream then try and talk...and rationalize...but I'm not giving up.

I do not care how bad it gets, I refuse to give up.

I will never give up.