The White Queen's errant knight has returned from many wondering wanderings.
Exhaustion, pain, confusion and befuddlement.
Monday, August 31, 2009
Showbread Owes Me Another Set of Headphones
How many more of these things am I going to destroy because of their music?
Seriously.
"After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain
I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done
No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters..."
Seriously.
"After all of this we’ve been dismissed by those who prefer to eat dirt
We’ve been gladly exempt, we are racked with contempt
And we happily wish you this hurt
My skull is on fire with barbs and black spires
My synapses shriek in the flames
Yet we reel with desire though chocked by coarse wire
Loosed by our raging disdain
I’m gone, God help me, I’m done, I’m done
Nothing can stop me, I’m done, I’m done
No fear, no doubt, I’ve bottomed out, I’ve lost myself, I’m letting go
No pride, no me, I’ve set them free, I’ve lost my mind and now I know
No pain, no death, they’re put to rest, we leave them here, we close the door
No earth, no man, now take my hand, cause nothing matters..."
My Problem(s) with Calvinism, systematic theologies, reformed theology and etc. (aka. Theological Vomit Part I)
This video reminds me why I hate theology, why I hate ministry and why I want to burn everything I have ever written and just take a vow of silence until the day I die.
Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic but I lost my patience when it comes to dealing with this stuff years ago.
I don't have anything again people who are Calvinists, who use systematic theology or enjoy reading reformed theology. My problem begins when it seems that that particular interpretation becomes the center of a person's everything.
It's like the notion of a different interpenetration is in and of itself heretical.
Excuse me for being willing to question the potentially flawed thoughts of another flawed human being.
I understand people want to have a neat little package to put Jesus in and then tie it up with bows and stash it on some self to collect dust...but that is such crap. If that is all Jesus is to someone then what is the point?
If this is just for my benefit why am I doing this? Why bother write? Why question? Why try to understand?
If I can show up and have someone hand me a sticker book with all the proper outlines to fill in why even bother think anymore?
I find more spiritual significance in the lyrics of Joe Strummer then I do in the seemingly mindless reiterating circles I seem to find so many 'theologians' in. Is this why music and the visual arts have been suppressed and ridiculed by the church for so many years? Because free thought is 'dangerous'?
Please.
Maybe if someone is so secure in their theological meanderings that they can say that God only loves 'the elect' that they can afford to be a sarcastic ninny with no regard for whom they may be pushing away from God. Sure, if God already knows who is going to save why not? Why not be sarcastic and shut as many doors as possible? The good doctor is right, why stop halfway? Just pick up a sign and go join Westboro baptist church.
If I sound angry it is because I am.
I don't jump at a chance to get behind a pulpit because of how serious I take my Jesus and how people see Him. It's not my responsibility to find people and shove a Bible down their throat, my 'job' is to make friends and love people in the same way Jesus loves me. This isn't a job, it is my life and who I am.
I'm a broken human that is loved and that is all I can and will ever be.
In ministry there is no room for arrogance, for being a self indulgent jerk and there is no excuse for not questioning everything everyday because God made us with brains that we do not use.
I understand Rob Bell enrages a lot of people off and why? The most common complaint I've heard is because he asks questions and doesn't give answers. The message of what Christian people call 'the gospel' is in his books, is it just because he doesn't cater to a certain sect or group think mentality that he is somehow 'bad'?
Loving Jesus should give you more answers than questions. When I tell people that I am in love with God I feel like I sound insane and for good reason! How often have people murdered in the name of God? I don't want to be associated with the crazy fundies who strap bombs to themselves and murder innocent people.
I want to be associated with Jesus who is Love.
That Love should burn, stir and cause a heart to awaken to its original intent.
I cannot speak for everyone but part of that is asking questions about everything. Every fundamental we take for granted. The only things I can know for sure are the ones I have experienced first hand...and that includes this love that has set my heart on fire and makes my bones burn when I do not share. It's sort of what the prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!""
-Jeremiah 20:7-10
I don't like disagreeing with people but this has come up so many times over the past few years that I have had to write this before I explode. I don't hate people who are different, I relish the different thoughts and opinions...it's just I have heard this view dogmatically defended so many times that I am only a half step away from having an aneurysm.
Am I being too accepting of the 'bad' people?
Am I just being accommodating of 'sinner's?
I have a wide spectrum of friends with various beliefs, alternative lifestyles, odd tastes in music and ideas of theology that make me blush. What does this mean? What does my own personal inefficient hypocrisy mean?
I ask myself these questions all the time and the only answer I have found that makes sense is that "Jesus loves me/this I know."
I want to spread love, hope and truth. I don't want to be a conduit for something as ugly as so many churches are today; this toxic sludge pouring from a jaded heart that has no concern for anyone.
Is there a middle ground between Jesus and religion?
Love and dogma?
Truth and personal biases?
I don't want to sidetrack or knock anyone off of their path but I just have to speak. How much of this conversation is in fact a conversation? How can perpetuating an endless cycle of never asking 'why' help us? Help any of us? How does this factor into the BIG picture of love and the Kingdom?
I'm not trying to somehow expand my image or about how 'great' I am but about how confused and sick of empty religious exercises I am. Back in school I got so sick of studying theology because it felt like we were being told what truth was instead of trying to understand and live it.
It's the real difference between being told Jesus loves you and seeing that Jesus loves you.
Am I the only one seeing this? Feeling this way?
Am I just jaded and burned out?
So sick of being sick that I am in fact making myself sick?
I know what I have seen and experienced.
I'm just not exactly sure what to do next.
It feels like every time I *know* what to do something else happens.
The one thing I am certain of is that:
"Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled."
-1 Corinthians 13:8-10
Okay maybe that is a bit dramatic but I lost my patience when it comes to dealing with this stuff years ago.
I don't have anything again people who are Calvinists, who use systematic theology or enjoy reading reformed theology. My problem begins when it seems that that particular interpretation becomes the center of a person's everything.
It's like the notion of a different interpenetration is in and of itself heretical.
Excuse me for being willing to question the potentially flawed thoughts of another flawed human being.
I understand people want to have a neat little package to put Jesus in and then tie it up with bows and stash it on some self to collect dust...but that is such crap. If that is all Jesus is to someone then what is the point?
If this is just for my benefit why am I doing this? Why bother write? Why question? Why try to understand?
If I can show up and have someone hand me a sticker book with all the proper outlines to fill in why even bother think anymore?
I find more spiritual significance in the lyrics of Joe Strummer then I do in the seemingly mindless reiterating circles I seem to find so many 'theologians' in. Is this why music and the visual arts have been suppressed and ridiculed by the church for so many years? Because free thought is 'dangerous'?
Please.
Maybe if someone is so secure in their theological meanderings that they can say that God only loves 'the elect' that they can afford to be a sarcastic ninny with no regard for whom they may be pushing away from God. Sure, if God already knows who is going to save why not? Why not be sarcastic and shut as many doors as possible? The good doctor is right, why stop halfway? Just pick up a sign and go join Westboro baptist church.
If I sound angry it is because I am.
I don't jump at a chance to get behind a pulpit because of how serious I take my Jesus and how people see Him. It's not my responsibility to find people and shove a Bible down their throat, my 'job' is to make friends and love people in the same way Jesus loves me. This isn't a job, it is my life and who I am.
I'm a broken human that is loved and that is all I can and will ever be.
In ministry there is no room for arrogance, for being a self indulgent jerk and there is no excuse for not questioning everything everyday because God made us with brains that we do not use.
I understand Rob Bell enrages a lot of people off and why? The most common complaint I've heard is because he asks questions and doesn't give answers. The message of what Christian people call 'the gospel' is in his books, is it just because he doesn't cater to a certain sect or group think mentality that he is somehow 'bad'?
Loving Jesus should give you more answers than questions. When I tell people that I am in love with God I feel like I sound insane and for good reason! How often have people murdered in the name of God? I don't want to be associated with the crazy fundies who strap bombs to themselves and murder innocent people.
I want to be associated with Jesus who is Love.
That Love should burn, stir and cause a heart to awaken to its original intent.
I cannot speak for everyone but part of that is asking questions about everything. Every fundamental we take for granted. The only things I can know for sure are the ones I have experienced first hand...and that includes this love that has set my heart on fire and makes my bones burn when I do not share. It's sort of what the prophet Jeremiah wrote:
"You pushed me into this, God, and I let you do it.
You were too much for me.
And now I'm a public joke.
They all poke fun at me.
Every time I open my mouth
I'm shouting, "Murder!" or "Rape!"
And all I get for my God-warnings
are insults and contempt.
But if I say, "Forget it!
No more God-Messages from me!"
The words are fire in my belly,
a burning in my bones.
I'm worn out trying to hold it in.
I can't do it any longer!
Then I hear whispering behind my back:
"There goes old 'Danger-Everywhere.' Shut him up! Report him!"
Old friends watch, hoping I'll fall flat on my face:
"One misstep and we'll have him. We'll get rid of him for good!""
-Jeremiah 20:7-10
I don't like disagreeing with people but this has come up so many times over the past few years that I have had to write this before I explode. I don't hate people who are different, I relish the different thoughts and opinions...it's just I have heard this view dogmatically defended so many times that I am only a half step away from having an aneurysm.
Am I being too accepting of the 'bad' people?
Am I just being accommodating of 'sinner's?
I have a wide spectrum of friends with various beliefs, alternative lifestyles, odd tastes in music and ideas of theology that make me blush. What does this mean? What does my own personal inefficient hypocrisy mean?
I ask myself these questions all the time and the only answer I have found that makes sense is that "Jesus loves me/this I know."
I want to spread love, hope and truth. I don't want to be a conduit for something as ugly as so many churches are today; this toxic sludge pouring from a jaded heart that has no concern for anyone.
Is there a middle ground between Jesus and religion?
Love and dogma?
Truth and personal biases?
I don't want to sidetrack or knock anyone off of their path but I just have to speak. How much of this conversation is in fact a conversation? How can perpetuating an endless cycle of never asking 'why' help us? Help any of us? How does this factor into the BIG picture of love and the Kingdom?
I'm not trying to somehow expand my image or about how 'great' I am but about how confused and sick of empty religious exercises I am. Back in school I got so sick of studying theology because it felt like we were being told what truth was instead of trying to understand and live it.
It's the real difference between being told Jesus loves you and seeing that Jesus loves you.
Am I the only one seeing this? Feeling this way?
Am I just jaded and burned out?
So sick of being sick that I am in fact making myself sick?
I know what I have seen and experienced.
I'm just not exactly sure what to do next.
It feels like every time I *know* what to do something else happens.
The one thing I am certain of is that:
"Love never dies. Inspired speech will be over some day; praying in tongues will end; understanding will reach its limit. We know only a portion of the truth, and what we say about God is always incomplete. But when the Complete arrives, our incomplete will be canceled."
-1 Corinthians 13:8-10
"Jesus loves the outcasts."
I just signed up as a volunteer to work with xxxchurch at the Atlanta Pride Festival October 31st -November 1st
Here's hoping things may actually work for once...
Here's hoping things may actually work for once...
Romans 5:6-8
Christ arrives right on time to make this happen. He didn't, and doesn't, wait for us to get ready. He presented himself for this sacrificial death when we were far too weak and rebellious to do anything to get ourselves ready. And even if we hadn't been so weak, we wouldn't have known what to do anyway. We can understand someone dying for a person worth dying for, and we can understand how someone good and noble could inspire us to selfless sacrifice. But God put his love on the line for us by offering his Son in sacrificial death while we were of no use whatever to him.
Sunday, August 30, 2009
My Muse
You ask me these questions...you push me...you prod me and you test me.
You remind me of who I am in this dark night and ask me to believe...not in you or in my abilities but in the Love that created me.
You wrote my work for me, you phrased the verses and put the chorus into my heart.
How could I sing apart from thee?
Blossoming thoughts and cherishing life,
and if Lou Reed is asking I'll tell him you said hi.
Ignorance is a cover for truth
and words are not wisdom alone.
Altruisms lace my lips
like a cheap poison,
come what may be in this trip
alike we are chosen to love.
I'm asking for truth from above,
words of solace
to illuminate this soul
to feel love replace
and fill this God shaped hole
and light this dark alcove.
I'm praying for the peace to settle on us,
for you, for me and the rest of these children.
Where will your words come from next?
It always feels like this next moment,
this crushing doubt will be the last.
Unstructured as time
and just as fleeting.
You do know,
do you not?
The thoughts, the hope
and the dependency that has grown.
I'm still a child
but then so are you.
Love teaching us,
Love keeping us,
Love correcting us
and filling us to overflowing.
You remind me of who I am in this dark night and ask me to believe...not in you or in my abilities but in the Love that created me.
You wrote my work for me, you phrased the verses and put the chorus into my heart.
How could I sing apart from thee?
Blossoming thoughts and cherishing life,
and if Lou Reed is asking I'll tell him you said hi.
Ignorance is a cover for truth
and words are not wisdom alone.
Altruisms lace my lips
like a cheap poison,
come what may be in this trip
alike we are chosen to love.
I'm asking for truth from above,
words of solace
to illuminate this soul
to feel love replace
and fill this God shaped hole
and light this dark alcove.
I'm praying for the peace to settle on us,
for you, for me and the rest of these children.
Where will your words come from next?
It always feels like this next moment,
this crushing doubt will be the last.
Unstructured as time
and just as fleeting.
You do know,
do you not?
The thoughts, the hope
and the dependency that has grown.
I'm still a child
but then so are you.
Love teaching us,
Love keeping us,
Love correcting us
and filling us to overflowing.
Saturday, August 29, 2009
I feel like such a volcano of emotion and thought is building...maybe it's confusion...maybe guilt...I just know so much of it is from missing You.
Where did You go?
I freak out at the slightest pain and confusion...so could You please close the distance once again?
I'm tired of sleeping while awake and never knowing when my dreams end and You begin.
Where did You go?
I freak out at the slightest pain and confusion...so could You please close the distance once again?
I'm tired of sleeping while awake and never knowing when my dreams end and You begin.
Friday, August 28, 2009
Red and Green
I see such vivid layers of frustration.
Why must thing be so?
It's not like this or that
it's just really us.
Or is it me pretending to be you
while I pretend to just be me?
It's not like ever really knew,
knew what we were getting into.
Life started flying
Life started falling
and everything we had
is everything we got.
I wish things could be simple,
that I could just shut up
and be quiet long enough
for You to be happy.
It's like every utterance
just brings us back to this place.
A vivid visual trap
that could close so casually.
Why does it have to feel so shallow?
It's like everything I fought for
was this casual careless parade.
Painted red like the gallows,
there is no open door
and no charming voice to dissuade.
It's just us, us standing here
and wondering what might be next.
I feel it burning in me,
so deep and long.
I can't drink to quench the burning
and it's just another long night.
Everything I open my eyes
I want them shut
just so I don't have to see You.
Why must thing be so?
It's not like this or that
it's just really us.
Or is it me pretending to be you
while I pretend to just be me?
It's not like ever really knew,
knew what we were getting into.
Life started flying
Life started falling
and everything we had
is everything we got.
I wish things could be simple,
that I could just shut up
and be quiet long enough
for You to be happy.
It's like every utterance
just brings us back to this place.
A vivid visual trap
that could close so casually.
Why does it have to feel so shallow?
It's like everything I fought for
was this casual careless parade.
Painted red like the gallows,
there is no open door
and no charming voice to dissuade.
It's just us, us standing here
and wondering what might be next.
I feel it burning in me,
so deep and long.
I can't drink to quench the burning
and it's just another long night.
Everything I open my eyes
I want them shut
just so I don't have to see You.
Night Time Cafe
It's not like I started out the night knowing we would be here.
It's not like I started out my life knowing where I would be.
Any other day we could have met and simply passed,
and yet here with sincere bated breath we wait.
Any other day in my life could have had me walking,
passing the other way not realizing
not feeling how incomplete being me could be.
We don't have enough time for bad metaphors
and me to pander to just me.
Not just another series of notes,
You, it's You I'm trying to write about.
Just forget me enough to write this note
and hope something happens.
That maybe Your door will open
and maybe just maybe everything will be.
Just like it should be.
It's not like I started out my life knowing where I would be.
Any other day we could have met and simply passed,
and yet here with sincere bated breath we wait.
Any other day in my life could have had me walking,
passing the other way not realizing
not feeling how incomplete being me could be.
We don't have enough time for bad metaphors
and me to pander to just me.
Not just another series of notes,
You, it's You I'm trying to write about.
Just forget me enough to write this note
and hope something happens.
That maybe Your door will open
and maybe just maybe everything will be.
Just like it should be.
Thursday, August 27, 2009
It's the small things really...
I happen to find it awesome that I was the last person to post on Data Node One before it was locked.
Yes!
Bask in my awesome forum posting skills world!
Bask I say!
Yes!
Bask in my awesome forum posting skills world!
Bask I say!
Hrmmm
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Kingdom_of_God_Is_Within_You
http://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-God-Within-You/dp/1604594063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251406110&sr=8-1
http://books.google.com/books?id=qKq4MNK6Gb4C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+kingdom++of+God+is+within+you+Leo+Tolstoy&ei=zfGWSoeIEI3AygS_6-j9Dg#v=onepage&q=&f=false
http://www.amazon.com/Kingdom-God-Within-You/dp/1604594063/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1251406110&sr=8-1
http://books.google.com/books?id=qKq4MNK6Gb4C&printsec=frontcover&dq=the+kingdom++of+God+is+within+you+Leo+Tolstoy&ei=zfGWSoeIEI3AygS_6-j9Dg#v=onepage&q=&f=false
Tolkien on Anarchism
Just recently rediscovered this quote:
“My political opinions lean more and more to Anarchy (philosophically understood, meaning the abolition of control not whiskered men with bombs) — or to ‘unconstitutional’ Monarchy. I would arrest anybody who uses the word State (in any sense other than the inaminate real of England and its inhabitants, a thing that has neither power, rights nor mind); and after a chance of recantation, execute them if they remained obstinate! If we could go back to personal names, it would do a lot of good. Government is an abstract noun meaning the art and process of governing and it should be an offence to write it with a capital G or so to refer to people. […] Anyway the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any many, even saints (who at any rate were at least unwilling to take it on), is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity. At least it is done only to a small group of men who know who their master is. The mediaevals were only too right in taking nolo episcopari as the best reason a man could give to others for making him a bishop. Grant me a king whose chief interest in life is stamps, railways, or race-horses; and who has the power to sack his Vizier (or whatever you dare call him) if he does not like the cut of his trousers. And so on down the line. But, of course, the fatal weakness of all that — after all only the fatal weakness of all good natural things in a bad corrupt unnatural world — is that it works and has only worked when all the world is messing along in the same good old inefficient human way. […] There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamating factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal”
From
J. R. R. Tolkien. The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien. ed. Humphrey Carpenter (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1981), 63 -4.
http://activism.suite101.com/article.cfm/anarchy_in_jrr_tolkiens_the_lord_of_the_ring
http://hnn.us/blogs/entries/2737.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism_and_violence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_anarchism
“My political opinions lean more and more to Anarchy (philosophically understood, meaning the abolition of control not whiskered men with bombs) — or to ‘unconstitutional’ Monarchy. I would arrest anybody who uses the word State (in any sense other than the inaminate real of England and its inhabitants, a thing that has neither power, rights nor mind); and after a chance of recantation, execute them if they remained obstinate! If we could go back to personal names, it would do a lot of good. Government is an abstract noun meaning the art and process of governing and it should be an offence to write it with a capital G or so to refer to people. […] Anyway the proper study of Man is anything but Man; and the most improper job of any many, even saints (who at any rate were at least unwilling to take it on), is bossing other men. Not one in a million is fit for it, and least of all those who seek the opportunity. At least it is done only to a small group of men who know who their master is. The mediaevals were only too right in taking nolo episcopari as the best reason a man could give to others for making him a bishop. Grant me a king whose chief interest in life is stamps, railways, or race-horses; and who has the power to sack his Vizier (or whatever you dare call him) if he does not like the cut of his trousers. And so on down the line. But, of course, the fatal weakness of all that — after all only the fatal weakness of all good natural things in a bad corrupt unnatural world — is that it works and has only worked when all the world is messing along in the same good old inefficient human way. […] There is only one bright spot and that is the growing habit of disgruntled men of dynamating factories and power-stations; I hope that, encouraged now as ‘patriotism’, may remain a habit! But it won’t do any good, if it is not universal”
From
J. R. R. Tolkien. The Letters of J. R. R. Tolkien. ed. Humphrey Carpenter (Boston: Houghton Mifflin Company, 1981), 63 -4.
http://activism.suite101.com/article.cfm/anarchy_in_jrr_tolkiens_the_lord_of_the_ring
http://hnn.us/blogs/entries/2737.html
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anarchism_and_violence
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Christian_anarchism
Straw Man
I am made of straw and dry leaf
made to never last.
I am made to catch and burn
here today and then I pass.
Feeble limbs and fluff for brain
the lines I speak I was simply fed.
Lame I hang here lips uttering the inane
and I have not yet fled.
And I have not yet fled.
made to never last.
I am made to catch and burn
here today and then I pass.
Feeble limbs and fluff for brain
the lines I speak I was simply fed.
Lame I hang here lips uttering the inane
and I have not yet fled.
And I have not yet fled.
"Blessed are the meek who shall inherit
The throes of death for all their merit
The right to stumble, to fail and perish
Doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
You hide behind your broken wings
Your dreams are all for better things
And in the dark we climb this slope
Cause the bravest thing of all is always hope
Goodbye, goodbye"
The throes of death for all their merit
The right to stumble, to fail and perish
Doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
You hide behind your broken wings
Your dreams are all for better things
And in the dark we climb this slope
Cause the bravest thing of all is always hope
Goodbye, goodbye"
Revised
Earlier it felt like I was falling, now that I've had time to breath I think everything is alright.
Alright as it can be...with my confusion, my pain, my...well there are a hundred thousand equally painful things.
What matters is I'm choosing, this moment, to breath.
There is an infinite combination of reasons to lay down and give up. There is an innumerable excuses and complaints I could log...but there is no solid point.
It's bad, can be really bad but it's not bad enough to just quit.
Pushing myself to bike about 25 minutes a day...about seven miles give or take...feeling the pain...this is a necessity.
Pain in this live is unavoidable.
It can either temper your body and soul, give strength, or it can destroy you.
Pain is inescapable.
Pain and the abscess thereof, are how we define our lives, how we give meaning and justification. We strive to avoid, to ignore, to neglect and run from.
But it's only in staring this bastard child of the Fall down that we begin to see who we really are. We can cry out at the injustice, at the pain and in disbelief. Or we can blindly charge in and die remembering what it means to be free and true to our nature, our created being.
Maybe this is still thinking negative...that the fight is inevitable, the break down of the body will happen...it'll be horrifying and painful. The only choice we have in the matter is how we face the Dark when it comes. Heads held high in pride or low in shame and regret.
I have an obligation to God, to family, to friends...to Love...to push my body and make it heal, make it shape, make it obey. I don't know how long my heart has, or my brain, my lungs or how intense the electrical nerves will blast before all is said and done...but I'm tired of running.
Of hiding behind this mask of my own design.
Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm seeing things only as I will so that I have hope...or maybe I'm starting to finally believe in choice.
Alright as it can be...with my confusion, my pain, my...well there are a hundred thousand equally painful things.
What matters is I'm choosing, this moment, to breath.
There is an infinite combination of reasons to lay down and give up. There is an innumerable excuses and complaints I could log...but there is no solid point.
It's bad, can be really bad but it's not bad enough to just quit.
Pushing myself to bike about 25 minutes a day...about seven miles give or take...feeling the pain...this is a necessity.
Pain in this live is unavoidable.
It can either temper your body and soul, give strength, or it can destroy you.
Pain is inescapable.
Pain and the abscess thereof, are how we define our lives, how we give meaning and justification. We strive to avoid, to ignore, to neglect and run from.
But it's only in staring this bastard child of the Fall down that we begin to see who we really are. We can cry out at the injustice, at the pain and in disbelief. Or we can blindly charge in and die remembering what it means to be free and true to our nature, our created being.
Maybe this is still thinking negative...that the fight is inevitable, the break down of the body will happen...it'll be horrifying and painful. The only choice we have in the matter is how we face the Dark when it comes. Heads held high in pride or low in shame and regret.
I have an obligation to God, to family, to friends...to Love...to push my body and make it heal, make it shape, make it obey. I don't know how long my heart has, or my brain, my lungs or how intense the electrical nerves will blast before all is said and done...but I'm tired of running.
Of hiding behind this mask of my own design.
Maybe I'm not, maybe I'm seeing things only as I will so that I have hope...or maybe I'm starting to finally believe in choice.
I'm not supposed to worry today...I was told to check it at the door and do my best to just relax...other people are feeling the large amounts of stress with everything else going on.
I'm okay I think.
The more I try to remember what hit me last night...the more difficult it is to grasp it. Mentally I'm a little scattered because I'm running out on medication and I'm having to split it...doctors are being annoying and won't keep giving me the stuff they have it on.
How do I find these guys?
The good news is that I've been given several leads on doctors.
Hmm I'll write more later...must go...
I'm okay I think.
The more I try to remember what hit me last night...the more difficult it is to grasp it. Mentally I'm a little scattered because I'm running out on medication and I'm having to split it...doctors are being annoying and won't keep giving me the stuff they have it on.
How do I find these guys?
The good news is that I've been given several leads on doctors.
Hmm I'll write more later...must go...
Wednesday, August 26, 2009
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
It's impossible for me to pick a favorite U2 album...but Achtung Baby is helping me quite a bit right now...
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
"Have you come here for forgiveness
Have you come to raise the dead
Have you come here to play Jesus
To the lepers in your head
Did I ask too much
More than a lot
You gave me nothing
Now it's all I got
We're one but we're not the same
We hurt each other, then we do it again"
Honestly
I am lying when I say I'm okay.
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
That I am feeling great and that the pain isn't so bad today.
But I think it's a lie that will save my life.
One of the more bizarre, yet practical, things C.S. Lewis wrote about in 'Mere Christianity' is how if we have trouble loving someone then we should pretend that we do. We should make ourselves act like we love them and eventually out mind and heart will follow suite.
For better or for worse I'm trying to apply that to my situation...I'm going to keep pushing for all the medical treatment I can get, continual exercising, doing everything I can to eat better and maybe even figure out how to sleep at night.
However I will be saying I feel better.
That I have hope about the future and I'm excited about the non particular future plans of which I have.
It's lie too but it's an EXCITING lie.
How often do I get to say that?
I'm a dirty, rotten, sinful liar and I just giggled about it.
Screw you logic! I'm in pain but I'm feeling better! I am to the point I'm going to stab the next doctor that refuses to give me pain medication...but I'll stab them with a smile!
Yes!
Fibromyalgia my *inset appropriate profanity laced euphemism*!
If this is the WORST then I laugh.
Yes at you disease.
If this is the worse it can get then I am sad my body can't punish me more.
Ha.
Ha.
Ha.
Have I mentioned that I don't sleep much these days?
#_#
Drought of Living Death
It's funny who you will hear from when you least expect it.
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
Jesus, what the Hell am I doing messing with this stuff? I'm not playing with fire...I'm sitting in gasoline and trying to strike the match.
Are you still a God of peace? Purpose? Understanding? The Infinite One who is not bound by the limitations of flesh and broken spirit?
Speak to me please.
What am I supposed to do now? What step do I take to get out of this disgusting tar?
I'm tired of feeling my heart slip out of my chest and getting caught by the rapid changing world...I can't take much more of this jerking back and forth.
Helter skelter, from the top to the bottom back to the top again...I keep falling down this path and I hate it.
I hate it.
God I hate this flesh and wish it would burn away. How can I accept failure when it burns like a cancer I want to cut out? When it sinks further into my heart twisting me into this ugly caricature that looks so much like you?
I hate this heart, I hate this mind and I hate this body.
What You made was made good but now it's ugly.
Just like you.
"That thing inside my ribs is like a pile of reptiles,
Pressed on splintered vertebrae, so cold, so claustrophobic,
Echoing in hollow fruit are orders sent with love to you,
To serve a will more shallow still than paramecium
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But the world is ugly,
The world is ugly and it’s true,
I’ll bet your hands are beautiful,
I’m sure your head is beautiful,
But with world is ugly,
The world is ugly even after you
Invertebrates now contemplate your lavishing and humble service,
All set to hide behind the guise that this empty thing can’t hurt us,
Sensationalized for virgin eyes, it’s graphic, it’s disturbing,
And it’s worse still to think it’s real,
Degrading and unnerving"
-Showbread, "Welcome to Plainfield Tobe Hooper"
Let the bones crack as I scream out this song
when all I ever wanted was to see Your face.
The beauty I forgot.
The majesty I never knew.
I'm so tired.
It has been so many years.
How do people push on in this planet?
It is so dry, so ugly and barren. Nothing like the home we never knew we may have left.
Two years of sitting here.
Two years of feeling my flesh rot
and my soul decay.
Two years of the same song
and two years of no relief.
Am I coming full circle
or just realizing I'm trapped in Hell?
I hate this prison that I've made.
This has to die now.
Every last painful moment,
everything I have been afraid of,
every wall I have built
and ever hidden sin.
I'm full of more lies, more deceit and more hypocrisy then I could ever know...but where this Hell has burned away there is growing hope. Flourishing in the pain, there is a revival coming.
A revealing.
This skin will be peeled back and what is underneath shall be shone. No more false pretension, no more hollow words and more deceit.
Everything I ever was shall be seen and I'll stand here naked, letting the flaws of my life be revealed. I can't hid from myself forever...because the cracks and here and are growing by the second.
There is no end.
There has never been an end.
Just a transition from this point, this life to the next.
Beauty redefined in the face of light
Monday, August 24, 2009
And you wonder why I refuse to eat pork...?
Reading this about made me sick:
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12840743/porks_dirty_secret_the_nations_top_hog_producer_is_also_one_of_americas_worst_polluters/1
http://www.rollingstone.com/politics/story/12840743/porks_dirty_secret_the_nations_top_hog_producer_is_also_one_of_americas_worst_polluters/1
Christian Fiction
Okay.
A common question I get is since I enjoy writing, I want to be a writer and I am a Christian minister person thingy...why don't I write Christian fiction?
To be honest I find most Christian fiction to be uninspiring and boring at best, at its absolute worst it is merely a Harlequin romance novel rewritten with 'Christian' themes.
One of the principles that has guided my hand in both the creative and practical realm is that I have no desire to 'sell' or make a profit from Jesus. I have a very low threshold when it comes to dealing with anyone who reeks of being a televangelist...which is why I try so desperately to push away from those stereotypes and behaviors. And with the exception of a general feeling like I am an underachiever I feel that I have done a good job in that respect...I have nothing to really hide from and inevitably when some controversy will arise I have no desire to pin my worth as a human being (much less that of a Christian) on the equally fallible thoughts of other people.
The same disdain I have for the Christian music industry is the same I have for the Christian writing industry. There is an appalling lack of artistic innovation and an unnerving amount of cookie cutter clones that do nothing except beat the same tired horse time after time.
How is this supposed to be representative of how I feel about God and Jesus? If I can't take the time to write out and express my own vivid and unique understanding of this...thing...how will people begin to take it seriously? Sloppy and shameless copying do nothing except have a horrible reek, which is a fancy way of saying the chief concern is that of money.
That said, I can chase these ghosts forever. Talking about how tired I am of false pretense, the abuse of cliches and rail against the unjust splitting of infinitives which did nothing to warrant the splitting thereof...but it just becomes a mass of hot air after awhile.
What is it I have interest in writing?
I'm still working on that modern fantasy series that has been in my head for years. I keep using NANOWRIMO as an excuse to finally get down to the nitty gritty and start trying to put it into some logical order but writing is such an unbearably annoying process.
I enjoy looking at the finished work but it is the slugging it out, fighting to find words, struggling to find the least possible appalling metaphor that can get disheartening. I do not know how much untold hours I have spent just staring at a blank page almost overwhelmed by the possibilities of what could be.
There are themes I am interested in pursuing, themes that are quite Christian but I do not feel the need to 'baptize' everything I touch in the current Christian lingo and make everything other statement be about personal relationships with Jesus.
I want to find real artistic integrity and be able to write freely without feeling these group think (but still self imposed) limitations about what is Christian, what can be art and what can be used for good.
A common question I get is since I enjoy writing, I want to be a writer and I am a Christian minister person thingy...why don't I write Christian fiction?
To be honest I find most Christian fiction to be uninspiring and boring at best, at its absolute worst it is merely a Harlequin romance novel rewritten with 'Christian' themes.
One of the principles that has guided my hand in both the creative and practical realm is that I have no desire to 'sell' or make a profit from Jesus. I have a very low threshold when it comes to dealing with anyone who reeks of being a televangelist...which is why I try so desperately to push away from those stereotypes and behaviors. And with the exception of a general feeling like I am an underachiever I feel that I have done a good job in that respect...I have nothing to really hide from and inevitably when some controversy will arise I have no desire to pin my worth as a human being (much less that of a Christian) on the equally fallible thoughts of other people.
The same disdain I have for the Christian music industry is the same I have for the Christian writing industry. There is an appalling lack of artistic innovation and an unnerving amount of cookie cutter clones that do nothing except beat the same tired horse time after time.
How is this supposed to be representative of how I feel about God and Jesus? If I can't take the time to write out and express my own vivid and unique understanding of this...thing...how will people begin to take it seriously? Sloppy and shameless copying do nothing except have a horrible reek, which is a fancy way of saying the chief concern is that of money.
That said, I can chase these ghosts forever. Talking about how tired I am of false pretense, the abuse of cliches and rail against the unjust splitting of infinitives which did nothing to warrant the splitting thereof...but it just becomes a mass of hot air after awhile.
What is it I have interest in writing?
I'm still working on that modern fantasy series that has been in my head for years. I keep using NANOWRIMO as an excuse to finally get down to the nitty gritty and start trying to put it into some logical order but writing is such an unbearably annoying process.
I enjoy looking at the finished work but it is the slugging it out, fighting to find words, struggling to find the least possible appalling metaphor that can get disheartening. I do not know how much untold hours I have spent just staring at a blank page almost overwhelmed by the possibilities of what could be.
There are themes I am interested in pursuing, themes that are quite Christian but I do not feel the need to 'baptize' everything I touch in the current Christian lingo and make everything other statement be about personal relationships with Jesus.
I want to find real artistic integrity and be able to write freely without feeling these group think (but still self imposed) limitations about what is Christian, what can be art and what can be used for good.
What's in a name?
"Matt - personal name meaning that object you place in doorways for people to walk on and clean their feet on in order that they may not dirty the rest of the house. They are useful for walking on, wiping shoes on and beating with a stick to get dirt off of them."
Gee thank you for your positive spin internet.
Where would I be without you?
Gee thank you for your positive spin internet.
Where would I be without you?
Mondays, I Hate Mondays...
I do not like food...regardless of what I eat it feels like my stomach is on fire...my inside have liquid metal burning through them.
I refuse to believe in there being balance in karma...unless of course I'm being used as a whipping boy for other people's stomach sins.
I've just got to find a way to get calories and nutrients and cut everything else out. Maybe that will help reduce the searing pain...right now I'm just stuck in bed...my mind a growing source of unrest and ill at ease thoughts.
I'm not sitting here waiting on a change to find me...I just would like for the world to stop spinning long enough for me to stand up.
I have some optimistic thoughts...high thoughts of hope...maybe even of feeling loved...but for now I am just going to play those close to my chest. I don't want my heart escaping out on its own and running about with no restraint...freedom is an illusion...because it is more of a choice of who/what we shackle ourselves to...but the shackling can be good.
Is this going to be it?
Think carefully before you speak.
My mind and heart are in fragile states of denial, one small push and I might start believing again, almost as if none of this ever did exist.
Is time still a problem?
How about metaphysical boundaries?
The problem of self actualization?
How about realizing that being is not necessarily being?
It's a simple as knowing when a door is not a door...and that is when it is simply just ajar.
That simple riddle goes a long way in explaining everything to do with you.
Nothing and everything at the same time.
It's just that important.
I refuse to believe in there being balance in karma...unless of course I'm being used as a whipping boy for other people's stomach sins.
I've just got to find a way to get calories and nutrients and cut everything else out. Maybe that will help reduce the searing pain...right now I'm just stuck in bed...my mind a growing source of unrest and ill at ease thoughts.
I'm not sitting here waiting on a change to find me...I just would like for the world to stop spinning long enough for me to stand up.
I have some optimistic thoughts...high thoughts of hope...maybe even of feeling loved...but for now I am just going to play those close to my chest. I don't want my heart escaping out on its own and running about with no restraint...freedom is an illusion...because it is more of a choice of who/what we shackle ourselves to...but the shackling can be good.
Is this going to be it?
Think carefully before you speak.
My mind and heart are in fragile states of denial, one small push and I might start believing again, almost as if none of this ever did exist.
Is time still a problem?
How about metaphysical boundaries?
The problem of self actualization?
How about realizing that being is not necessarily being?
It's a simple as knowing when a door is not a door...and that is when it is simply just ajar.
That simple riddle goes a long way in explaining everything to do with you.
Nothing and everything at the same time.
It's just that important.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Love
God I am starting to hate this word.
Love.
I don't think there has been a single word featured in the English language that has been so misunderstood, so neglected, to misused, abused, treated like rubbish and then it is still somehow supposed to be this magical solution to all the problems.
I hate hearing it, I hate feeling it and I hate experiencing it.
I should preface this angry rant by saying I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I'm reluctant to believe, I'm hoping, I'm desiring, I'm in need...so needy and here I am; all of these nerve cells, brain chemicals and mix of failures combined into one person.
I feel a bit like John Lennon in the song 'God' just going on and on about what I don't believe in...and I'm saying how angry it makes me. My problems began with being short changed while a child and still I haven't moved on. It's like every pain and hurt has just settled in and is building a wall...a brick wall to keep everything else out.
A large portion of me just wants to cut everything out and everyone off and just find a way to go at it alone...to shoulder the pain and just die blissfully alone and without having to hear another annoying voice express concern or tell me I am valuable.
It hurt so much to love and be loved...the worse is how Jesus refuses to stop...no matter how much I beg to be alone He is here. Loving me more by the moment then I ever thought possible.
I'm my own worse enemy and I don't even have the strength right now to really care.
Maybe my brain will just be wiped when I go to sleep and when I wake up the pain will have stopped...or maybe it'll be worse. Maybe everything and nothing will both happen at the same time.
The miracle will not be me being healed...but me giving a damn when this is all said and done. Apathy is so richly intoxicating and hard to say no to.
Love.
I don't think there has been a single word featured in the English language that has been so misunderstood, so neglected, to misused, abused, treated like rubbish and then it is still somehow supposed to be this magical solution to all the problems.
I hate hearing it, I hate feeling it and I hate experiencing it.
I should preface this angry rant by saying I'm exhausted, I'm in pain, I'm depressed, I'm scared, I'm hopeful, I'm reluctant to believe, I'm hoping, I'm desiring, I'm in need...so needy and here I am; all of these nerve cells, brain chemicals and mix of failures combined into one person.
I feel a bit like John Lennon in the song 'God' just going on and on about what I don't believe in...and I'm saying how angry it makes me. My problems began with being short changed while a child and still I haven't moved on. It's like every pain and hurt has just settled in and is building a wall...a brick wall to keep everything else out.
A large portion of me just wants to cut everything out and everyone off and just find a way to go at it alone...to shoulder the pain and just die blissfully alone and without having to hear another annoying voice express concern or tell me I am valuable.
It hurt so much to love and be loved...the worse is how Jesus refuses to stop...no matter how much I beg to be alone He is here. Loving me more by the moment then I ever thought possible.
I'm my own worse enemy and I don't even have the strength right now to really care.
Maybe my brain will just be wiped when I go to sleep and when I wake up the pain will have stopped...or maybe it'll be worse. Maybe everything and nothing will both happen at the same time.
The miracle will not be me being healed...but me giving a damn when this is all said and done. Apathy is so richly intoxicating and hard to say no to.
Saturday, August 22, 2009
Friday, August 21, 2009
Thursday, August 20, 2009
Movies
Movies I Need to See Again Soon:
-Lost in Translation
-Hoodwinked
-Over the Hedge
-The Stand
-Blade Runner
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Kill Bill
-Groundhog Day
-V for Vendetta
-Little Miss Sunshine
Movies I Need to Just See:
-Inglorious Bastards
-The Shawshank Redemption
-The Prestige
-Quantum of Solace
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton
Movies I Need to See That I Am Ashamed to Say I Forgot to List the First Time:
-Labyrinth
-Pulp Fiction (12 times is never enough)
-Lost in Translation
-Hoodwinked
-Over the Hedge
-The Stand
-Blade Runner
-Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind
-Kill Bill
-Groundhog Day
-V for Vendetta
-Little Miss Sunshine
Movies I Need to Just See:
-Inglorious Bastards
-The Shawshank Redemption
-The Prestige
-Quantum of Solace
-The Curious Case of Benjamin Burton
Movies I Need to See That I Am Ashamed to Say I Forgot to List the First Time:
-Labyrinth
-Pulp Fiction (12 times is never enough)
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
On Fruit
I had a particular friend ask a question concerning Genesis 3 and if there was an apple mentioned and if so why an apple. The following was a response to that:
Genesis 3:1-10
"The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"
The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"
The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."
When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid..." "
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Here is the Hebrew word used for fruit in those passages:
pĕriy
possible translations:
1) fruit
a) fruit, produce (of the ground)
b) fruit, offspring, children, progeny (of the womb)
c) fruit (of actions) (fig.)
At no point does the Bible say anything about an apple. For those thinking of an apple (about 97% of the Western population) are thinking of Paradise Lost...which according to my favorite English professor, Dr.Cole from college, was the second most popular book in the South during the Civil War (the first being the Bible).
** ** ** ** **
That said I feel the need to bring up one of my general rules of theology:
Please, please, please do not under any circumstances get your theology based off of a popular novel, a movie you see or from reading what I write. Do your own research and find the Truth, it is out there waiting so get to work already!
I digress.
** ** ** ** **
For a Western audience an Apple is a good symbol, fruit of knowledge and whatnot,but the apple didn't have the same meaning to a Hebrew audience.
This article tidbit explains a bit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple#Christianity
Rabbi's have speculated that it was possibly a (wait for it) pomegranate..but that is just Midrash and speculation. But ultimately no fruit is actually named.
Was it a literal fruit?
Possibly.
In the same sense that the first few chapters of Genesis could be literal historical fact, simply a creation myth Moses recorded or a mixture of the two.
Ultimately it doesn't matter which is true because the story itself is the point.
The point of the story is that Eve knew God in a literal sense that we can only fumble at. We Christians have a connection because of the Holy Spirit and we can feel God...but she could be hugged by God and told how beautiful she was. She had literal access to the physical presence of God (ie. think possibly Jesus, these Old Testament appearances of Him were called theophanies...a lot of the time the term 'Angel of the Lord' is used and commonly thought by Christian Biblical scholars as being appearances of the pre-incarnate Jesus) and this deep intimate love is something we can only paw at.
I think this is part where the oft used title of calling God Father has some deeper implications. The term "Personal relationship" with God is thrown around as a colloquial term so often that I don't even know what it means anymore.
I like to think that Christianity is not about trying to be so good that you get some sort of tacky and stupid gold plated mansion in heaven that belongs better on MTV's Cribs. If that is heaven I want nothing to do with it. This world sucks and the last thing I want to do is have a part two that will go on forever.
As far as I can gather heaven has nothing to do with our material greed and everything to do with being passionately in Love. My idea of heaven isn't me walking on streets of gold as much as it is me spending an absurd amount of time hugging God.
But...what about now?
This whole reason I can't hug God is because of a separation, because of THIS separation. Forgive the unintentional pun but this passage is the genesis of that sin, that root reason why this world is in so much disorder and why we have separation from each other and God.
The only thing Eve and Adam had to do was avoid doing something. I do not think it was a test because I do not think God gives us tests, He gives us choices and it is up to use to decide what to do with it.
He gives us choices and with those choices come questions:
Who do we love more?
Whose judgment do we trust?
Is it possible for this mess of a life to be made into something beautiful?
Lucifer makes an appearance in this. He can take on the appearance of an angel of light when he wants to but he took on the form of a snake and talked to Eve. This is strange, she didn't bat an eye at the thought of reptile talking to her. Did other animals in the Garden of Eden talk? Or is this just another image?
Regardless of how this scene may or may not have played out, I do believe in a literal Satan/devil/Lucifer and that he has a host of fallen angels (demons) who do his work. I would really recommend everyone to read 'The Screwtape Letter' if you haven't...CS Lewis puts this whole Lucifer thing in proper perspective, that he is more than a red devil in horns with a pitchfork but a twisted and demented egomaniac being who called himself the star of the morning and who decided he would no longer kneel before God.
Which this arrogance, this pride is a running theme in this passage.
Lucifer did help push Eve and Adam to eating the fruit...but ultimately all three has this relationship to God we can't imagine. It feels like I'm just fooling around in the dark hoping that I'll bump into God and all three of them were there with God.
Literally there with God.
Throw a rock and hit God close.
What does this say about our natures?
It is a terrifying prospect.
If beings created as perfect can't stand God...where do we stand?
Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, those who partook in the Rwanda genocide, Lord Voldemort...they were babies once. They grew up and then did horrible, terrible things. Sure part of was an environmental influence, humans are naturally selfish (anyone who doesn't think so should work in a daycare for a few months) and it takes something special for people to get to the point where human lives are meaningless...but it IS possible.
The taking of another human life is so profane...so against the order of things that it destroys a person until they either go crazy and kill themselves or they start to kill so much that they no longer have feeling. The 'lucky' ones I have met (war veterans among others) either drink heavily or barely hold onto their sanity because of how horrible it is.
One of the best mentors I ever had was a platoon commander in Vietnam. He only talked about his experince in Vietnam once and that was more than enough. It was like he was in another realm and although he barely spoke the look of horror on his face...it is something I can never forget.
And what does this mean?
Even those with good intentions can't hide from the twisting that sin does to their soul. This isn't about a moralistic crusade as much as it is realizing where we stand in our broken lives.
Is this it?
Is this all there is?
We live on this burned out hunk or rock and then what?
Humans have unlimited potential but we are limited by ourselves. By the darkness that is in our hearts. I feel the point of this world sometimes isn't a social experiment or big chess game but for us to see who we really are and realize we can't make it on our own...we need each other and we need Jesus.
If you want to read a better take on all this by someone who actually knows what he is talking about then please go pick up "Sex God" by Rob Bell. He doesn't swear like Anne Lamott but he knows how to pull a lot of ideas together and makes many good points concerning Jesus, personal identity and sexuality.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Exploring-Connections-Spirituality/dp/0310280672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250744230&sr=8-1
Genesis 3:1-10
"The serpent was clever, more clever than any wild animal God had made. He spoke to the Woman: "Do I understand that God told you not to eat from any tree in the garden?"
The Woman said to the serpent, "Not at all. We can eat from the trees in the garden. It's only about the tree in the middle of the garden that God said, 'Don't eat from it; don't even touch it or you'll die.'"
The serpent told the Woman, "You won't die. God knows that the moment you eat from that tree, you'll see what's really going on. You'll be just like God, knowing everything, ranging all the way from good to evil."
When the Woman saw that the tree looked like good eating and realized what she would get out of it—she'd know everything!—she took and ate the fruit and then gave some to her husband, and he ate.
Immediately the two of them did "see what's really going on"—saw themselves naked! They sewed fig leaves together as makeshift clothes for themselves.
When they heard the sound of God strolling in the garden in the evening breeze, the Man and his Wife hid in the trees of the garden, hid from God.
God called to the Man: "Where are you?"
He said, "I heard you in the garden and I was afraid because I was naked. And I hid..." "
** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** ** **
Here is the Hebrew word used for fruit in those passages:
pĕriy
possible translations:
1) fruit
a) fruit, produce (of the ground)
b) fruit, offspring, children, progeny (of the womb)
c) fruit (of actions) (fig.)
At no point does the Bible say anything about an apple. For those thinking of an apple (about 97% of the Western population) are thinking of Paradise Lost...which according to my favorite English professor, Dr.Cole from college, was the second most popular book in the South during the Civil War (the first being the Bible).
** ** ** ** **
That said I feel the need to bring up one of my general rules of theology:
Please, please, please do not under any circumstances get your theology based off of a popular novel, a movie you see or from reading what I write. Do your own research and find the Truth, it is out there waiting so get to work already!
I digress.
** ** ** ** **
For a Western audience an Apple is a good symbol, fruit of knowledge and whatnot,but the apple didn't have the same meaning to a Hebrew audience.
This article tidbit explains a bit:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Apple#Christianity
Rabbi's have speculated that it was possibly a (wait for it) pomegranate..but that is just Midrash and speculation. But ultimately no fruit is actually named.
Was it a literal fruit?
Possibly.
In the same sense that the first few chapters of Genesis could be literal historical fact, simply a creation myth Moses recorded or a mixture of the two.
Ultimately it doesn't matter which is true because the story itself is the point.
The point of the story is that Eve knew God in a literal sense that we can only fumble at. We Christians have a connection because of the Holy Spirit and we can feel God...but she could be hugged by God and told how beautiful she was. She had literal access to the physical presence of God (ie. think possibly Jesus, these Old Testament appearances of Him were called theophanies...a lot of the time the term 'Angel of the Lord' is used and commonly thought by Christian Biblical scholars as being appearances of the pre-incarnate Jesus) and this deep intimate love is something we can only paw at.
I think this is part where the oft used title of calling God Father has some deeper implications. The term "Personal relationship" with God is thrown around as a colloquial term so often that I don't even know what it means anymore.
I like to think that Christianity is not about trying to be so good that you get some sort of tacky and stupid gold plated mansion in heaven that belongs better on MTV's Cribs. If that is heaven I want nothing to do with it. This world sucks and the last thing I want to do is have a part two that will go on forever.
As far as I can gather heaven has nothing to do with our material greed and everything to do with being passionately in Love. My idea of heaven isn't me walking on streets of gold as much as it is me spending an absurd amount of time hugging God.
But...what about now?
This whole reason I can't hug God is because of a separation, because of THIS separation. Forgive the unintentional pun but this passage is the genesis of that sin, that root reason why this world is in so much disorder and why we have separation from each other and God.
The only thing Eve and Adam had to do was avoid doing something. I do not think it was a test because I do not think God gives us tests, He gives us choices and it is up to use to decide what to do with it.
He gives us choices and with those choices come questions:
Who do we love more?
Whose judgment do we trust?
Is it possible for this mess of a life to be made into something beautiful?
Lucifer makes an appearance in this. He can take on the appearance of an angel of light when he wants to but he took on the form of a snake and talked to Eve. This is strange, she didn't bat an eye at the thought of reptile talking to her. Did other animals in the Garden of Eden talk? Or is this just another image?
Regardless of how this scene may or may not have played out, I do believe in a literal Satan/devil/Lucifer and that he has a host of fallen angels (demons) who do his work. I would really recommend everyone to read 'The Screwtape Letter' if you haven't...CS Lewis puts this whole Lucifer thing in proper perspective, that he is more than a red devil in horns with a pitchfork but a twisted and demented egomaniac being who called himself the star of the morning and who decided he would no longer kneel before God.
Which this arrogance, this pride is a running theme in this passage.
Lucifer did help push Eve and Adam to eating the fruit...but ultimately all three has this relationship to God we can't imagine. It feels like I'm just fooling around in the dark hoping that I'll bump into God and all three of them were there with God.
Literally there with God.
Throw a rock and hit God close.
What does this say about our natures?
It is a terrifying prospect.
If beings created as perfect can't stand God...where do we stand?
Adolf Hitler, Joseph Stalin, those who partook in the Rwanda genocide, Lord Voldemort...they were babies once. They grew up and then did horrible, terrible things. Sure part of was an environmental influence, humans are naturally selfish (anyone who doesn't think so should work in a daycare for a few months) and it takes something special for people to get to the point where human lives are meaningless...but it IS possible.
The taking of another human life is so profane...so against the order of things that it destroys a person until they either go crazy and kill themselves or they start to kill so much that they no longer have feeling. The 'lucky' ones I have met (war veterans among others) either drink heavily or barely hold onto their sanity because of how horrible it is.
One of the best mentors I ever had was a platoon commander in Vietnam. He only talked about his experince in Vietnam once and that was more than enough. It was like he was in another realm and although he barely spoke the look of horror on his face...it is something I can never forget.
And what does this mean?
Even those with good intentions can't hide from the twisting that sin does to their soul. This isn't about a moralistic crusade as much as it is realizing where we stand in our broken lives.
Is this it?
Is this all there is?
We live on this burned out hunk or rock and then what?
Humans have unlimited potential but we are limited by ourselves. By the darkness that is in our hearts. I feel the point of this world sometimes isn't a social experiment or big chess game but for us to see who we really are and realize we can't make it on our own...we need each other and we need Jesus.
If you want to read a better take on all this by someone who actually knows what he is talking about then please go pick up "Sex God" by Rob Bell. He doesn't swear like Anne Lamott but he knows how to pull a lot of ideas together and makes many good points concerning Jesus, personal identity and sexuality.
http://www.amazon.com/Sex-God-Exploring-Connections-Spirituality/dp/0310280672/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&s=books&qid=1250744230&sr=8-1
Midnight Music With Dance
It's not an issue of age...it's an issue of the feelings of being rocked and buffeted by time. The times of sand swirling around my feet and making a picture perfect reflection of everything I miss and regret.
It is something special...to know when you are lost.
I can't pretend to be something I'm not.
Things are falling in place...becoming something else.
The night is dark, the lights are dimmed.
It's just the two of us here and whoever else that is looking in.
Is this infinite really here and out there?
Did You speak and allow the rose of love to flourish and blossom?
I hate being in this darkness...could You move closer?
I feel the music moving through me...seconds ticking past.
The sands moving faster in rhythm.
I don't care about music or writing right now.
All of this is dying.
Like a tooth ache they just make me long to forget.
Would it be possible to live apart from my ego?
Wrap Your hand around my heart,
keep it warm.
Keep the blood pumping
just so I can feel.
The night is late
but I'm not ready to depart.
I'm not praying to transform
but to sooth this aching
that I might heal.
And maybe to lessen how great
this divide is between us.
It is impossible to run from everything
but hope yet lives.
It is something special...to know when you are lost.
I can't pretend to be something I'm not.
Things are falling in place...becoming something else.
The night is dark, the lights are dimmed.
It's just the two of us here and whoever else that is looking in.
Is this infinite really here and out there?
Did You speak and allow the rose of love to flourish and blossom?
I hate being in this darkness...could You move closer?
I feel the music moving through me...seconds ticking past.
The sands moving faster in rhythm.
I don't care about music or writing right now.
All of this is dying.
Like a tooth ache they just make me long to forget.
Would it be possible to live apart from my ego?
Wrap Your hand around my heart,
keep it warm.
Keep the blood pumping
just so I can feel.
The night is late
but I'm not ready to depart.
I'm not praying to transform
but to sooth this aching
that I might heal.
And maybe to lessen how great
this divide is between us.
It is impossible to run from everything
but hope yet lives.
C.S. Lewis quote
I keep trying the source of this quote but I simply have had no luck.
Drat.
"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
Drat.
"Our Lord finds our desires not too strong, but too weak. We are half-hearted creatures, fooling about with drink, sex and ambition when infinite joy is offered us, like an ignorant child who wants to go on making mud pies in a slum because he cannot imagine what is meant by the offer of a holiday at the sea. We are far too easily pleased."
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
Northland Church notes 8-9-09
"I Don't Believe in Christ Because of Christians"
...waiting for the music to end and the sermon to start...the topic by itself sounds like something that has freaking bothered me for almost a decade. Using people as an excuse has always seemed incredibly lame to me...but seeing and feeling the hypocrisy on a personal level (I don't even want to look at the mirror right now)...the fact that the Church hasn't fallen apart and that people continue to have changed lives to me is EVIDENCE that there is something more than a community wide self delusion.
Truth is a living, vivid and powerful force that is not subjective to time and human interference...of course the conveying of that Truth can be marred by miscommunication...but that Truth is You...that Truth exists an actual Being...like in John chapter one where it talked about the Word...which is Jesus bu in Greek the word for Word is Logos...truth...this being...this absolute.
This beautiful horror of an absolute unbreakable love that transcends our mistakes and our evil.
...
Matthew 23:13, 25:10
Genesis 4:7
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
1 Peter 2:1
Galatians 2:20
Matthew 12:48, 50
The point of carrying the gospel is because earth is supposed to be more like heaven.
Few people rationally think out their beliefs to the point of why they do or do not believe in a doctrine...and question. It's base instinct that drives and make people decide what is 'true' or 'false'.
They do not read the scripture or pray before making a decision...their first 'Bible' is the Christians they see.
Matthew 23:13
-The only period where Jesus has a sustained anger is in dealing with hypocritical religious leaders who suppressed people pushing them from God.
People do not always come out and say it but they are looking...saying you are a Christian, much less minister, is opening a world of critique and criticism.
Our life is not about us...it is about others. It is possible to literal shut people off from the Kingdom just because of our lives.
-literal definition of the word hypocrite (used by Jesus) in the Greek is 'actor' someone performing on a stage for money...
-'shut off' also used in Matthew 25 in the parable and the ones trapped outside.
-There are those with an interest and desire to find Him but the hypocrisy can push others outside.
Hypocrisy is NOT:
-The fact we have many identities, we have competing identities for different circumstances. Not necessarily in trying to put in on an act.
-The self control of our feelings. Holding back and not being rude...not saying everything one is thinking. It is wise and prudent to exercise self control over thoughts and what is said..."being a better self". Choosing a wiser way to communicate.
-When you refuse to live other people's definition of Christianity.
Hypocrisy is:
-Demanding of others the life you, yourself will not live.
-Trying to look religious when you are not trying to become the person you are trying to look at.
Genesis 4:7 Abel and Cain
-What we give to God isn't supposed to be bribes or payoffs...we give because we love God. He owns everything and doesn't need us...it's like a child being given money to buy a gift for a parent...it's done out of love...wanting to make Him happy.
-Abel offered his sacrifice our of faith and love, which God accepted. Cain's offering was rejected because it wasn't done out of faith and love. Cain was seeking approval, not seeking to honor God.
-All God was asking for was Cain's heart...his love...Cain's reaction was the murder of Abel.
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
-Do not act, pray or give like hypocrites.
Central questions:
Who are you living for?
Whose approval are you living for?
-God doesn't view like people do...he doesn't judge on the outward appearances.
-When we understand what hypocrisy is do we know the results?
Hypocrisy robs us of intimacy with God and people. We were born to love and be loved and having a secret life prevents us from loving. To be loved genuinely you have to let people know you. By definition hypocrites can not be loved by God or people.
-It is more than just good teaching on Sunday but how we learn from others during the week. Kids learn from what we say but they will become how you live.
-We can choose who we are going to become. When we accept Christ it is no longer us who live but Christ...are we going to live this new identity?
-We have the power to be the people we are supposed to be...with children and with marriages...but will we use it?
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
-We have to take a look at our lives...decide what has to go if we REALLY want the real life we were meant for. What has to be cut out? Removed?
1 Peter 2:1
-These things aren't who we are...things we can loose.
It is possible to live a life where people can follow us and see Christ...
-Working to repent from sin isn't hypocrisy...it is who we are. It's only when we try to adjust our life to the sin and hide that...it becomes hypocrisy.
Matthew 12:50
He loves us for who we are and will not let us stay the way we are.
Community helps.
It's not enough to believe without becoming.
...waiting for the music to end and the sermon to start...the topic by itself sounds like something that has freaking bothered me for almost a decade. Using people as an excuse has always seemed incredibly lame to me...but seeing and feeling the hypocrisy on a personal level (I don't even want to look at the mirror right now)...the fact that the Church hasn't fallen apart and that people continue to have changed lives to me is EVIDENCE that there is something more than a community wide self delusion.
Truth is a living, vivid and powerful force that is not subjective to time and human interference...of course the conveying of that Truth can be marred by miscommunication...but that Truth is You...that Truth exists an actual Being...like in John chapter one where it talked about the Word...which is Jesus bu in Greek the word for Word is Logos...truth...this being...this absolute.
This beautiful horror of an absolute unbreakable love that transcends our mistakes and our evil.
...
Matthew 23:13, 25:10
Genesis 4:7
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
1 Peter 2:1
Galatians 2:20
Matthew 12:48, 50
The point of carrying the gospel is because earth is supposed to be more like heaven.
Few people rationally think out their beliefs to the point of why they do or do not believe in a doctrine...and question. It's base instinct that drives and make people decide what is 'true' or 'false'.
They do not read the scripture or pray before making a decision...their first 'Bible' is the Christians they see.
Matthew 23:13
-The only period where Jesus has a sustained anger is in dealing with hypocritical religious leaders who suppressed people pushing them from God.
People do not always come out and say it but they are looking...saying you are a Christian, much less minister, is opening a world of critique and criticism.
Our life is not about us...it is about others. It is possible to literal shut people off from the Kingdom just because of our lives.
-literal definition of the word hypocrite (used by Jesus) in the Greek is 'actor' someone performing on a stage for money...
-'shut off' also used in Matthew 25 in the parable and the ones trapped outside.
-There are those with an interest and desire to find Him but the hypocrisy can push others outside.
Hypocrisy is NOT:
-The fact we have many identities, we have competing identities for different circumstances. Not necessarily in trying to put in on an act.
-The self control of our feelings. Holding back and not being rude...not saying everything one is thinking. It is wise and prudent to exercise self control over thoughts and what is said..."being a better self". Choosing a wiser way to communicate.
-When you refuse to live other people's definition of Christianity.
Hypocrisy is:
-Demanding of others the life you, yourself will not live.
-Trying to look religious when you are not trying to become the person you are trying to look at.
Genesis 4:7 Abel and Cain
-What we give to God isn't supposed to be bribes or payoffs...we give because we love God. He owns everything and doesn't need us...it's like a child being given money to buy a gift for a parent...it's done out of love...wanting to make Him happy.
-Abel offered his sacrifice our of faith and love, which God accepted. Cain's offering was rejected because it wasn't done out of faith and love. Cain was seeking approval, not seeking to honor God.
-All God was asking for was Cain's heart...his love...Cain's reaction was the murder of Abel.
Matthew 6:2, 5, 16
-Do not act, pray or give like hypocrites.
Central questions:
Who are you living for?
Whose approval are you living for?
-God doesn't view like people do...he doesn't judge on the outward appearances.
-When we understand what hypocrisy is do we know the results?
Hypocrisy robs us of intimacy with God and people. We were born to love and be loved and having a secret life prevents us from loving. To be loved genuinely you have to let people know you. By definition hypocrites can not be loved by God or people.
-It is more than just good teaching on Sunday but how we learn from others during the week. Kids learn from what we say but they will become how you live.
-We can choose who we are going to become. When we accept Christ it is no longer us who live but Christ...are we going to live this new identity?
-We have the power to be the people we are supposed to be...with children and with marriages...but will we use it?
Matthew 7:5, 21-24
-We have to take a look at our lives...decide what has to go if we REALLY want the real life we were meant for. What has to be cut out? Removed?
1 Peter 2:1
-These things aren't who we are...things we can loose.
It is possible to live a life where people can follow us and see Christ...
-Working to repent from sin isn't hypocrisy...it is who we are. It's only when we try to adjust our life to the sin and hide that...it becomes hypocrisy.
Matthew 12:50
He loves us for who we are and will not let us stay the way we are.
Community helps.
It's not enough to believe without becoming.
Morning
I'm hurting from the bike...trouble breathing...stupid asthma that I thought was gone. Nothing major...just pain.
I think I may have almost broke the bike...I started listening to "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and as soon as the drums hit in the intro I took off...about ten seconds into that burst of speed I heard a horrible screeching noise and smelt burning plastic...I glanced down and saw I was going about twenty-six MPH and slowed down...thankfully it didn't fall apart but that would have been my luck...the stupid bike falling apart under me.
I ended the biking with Johnny Cash's haunting version of "Hurt". One of the best recordings of any song ever...I can say that will be one song I want to carry with me the rest of my life. The Nihilism in Christianity...but it is offset by hope. Amazing where this is all going and going...
I think I may have almost broke the bike...I started listening to "The Perfect Drug" by Nine Inch Nails and as soon as the drums hit in the intro I took off...about ten seconds into that burst of speed I heard a horrible screeching noise and smelt burning plastic...I glanced down and saw I was going about twenty-six MPH and slowed down...thankfully it didn't fall apart but that would have been my luck...the stupid bike falling apart under me.
I ended the biking with Johnny Cash's haunting version of "Hurt". One of the best recordings of any song ever...I can say that will be one song I want to carry with me the rest of my life. The Nihilism in Christianity...but it is offset by hope. Amazing where this is all going and going...
Monday, August 17, 2009
True Words...
"You don't measure up to the expectation.
When you're unemployed, there's no vacation.
No one cares, no one sympathizes.
You just stay home and play synthesizers."
-Flight of the Conchords, "Inner City Pressure"
When you're unemployed, there's no vacation.
No one cares, no one sympathizes.
You just stay home and play synthesizers."
-Flight of the Conchords, "Inner City Pressure"
I'm having so many scattered thoughts right now...I'm forgetting which way I was walking a moment ago. I'm ready for the pain to end and for some semblance of peace to come.
I don't want to pray right now.
I'm too upset and frustrated. It's like this rut...and the only way I see out is a way paved in angry and violence...it's hard to remember to even breath at times like this.
But hey you know...everything is alright.
Everything is okay.
Nothing is wrong here.
Everything is passing.
I don't want to pray right now.
I'm too upset and frustrated. It's like this rut...and the only way I see out is a way paved in angry and violence...it's hard to remember to even breath at times like this.
But hey you know...everything is alright.
Everything is okay.
Nothing is wrong here.
Everything is passing.
For Future Reference...
Artist: Ben Folds Five
Song: Army
Album: The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner
(see bottom for chords)
VERSE 1 (see below for guitar interlude played during verse)
G#
Well I thought about the army
D#m
Dad said, "Son you're fucking high"
C# G#
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything
So I took my old man's advice, three sad semesters
D#m
It was only fifteen grand
C#
spent in bed, I thought about the army
G# C#/F
I dropped out and joined a band instead
CHORUS (piano solo)
D#m A#m G#maj7
D#m A#m G#maj7
VERSE 2 (same as verse 1 except for Fm chord)
Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at chick-fillet
Citing artistic differences
the band broke up in May
Fm
And in June reformed without me
And they got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame, no
CHORUS (listen to song for the arrangement of the chords)
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
BRIDGE
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll write a screenplay
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll take you to LA
F# C# Cm
Oh Oh Think I'll get it done yesterday
(The guitar part played during the bridge goes something like this)
e|------------------------|
b|------------------------| (this followed by triplets of each note heading back down)
g|------------------------| (11-11-11-10-10-10-9-9-9….)
d|------------------------|
a|------------------------|
e|-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-|
PIANO SOLO (listen to song for arrangement of chords)
Fm7 Cm Fm7 Cm
A#7 D#7 G# G#maj7
Fm7 C# C#maj7 Fm/C Fm
GUITAR SOLO (played along with G# D#m C# G# chords)
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
b|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
g|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
d|---6-------6s10---8-------8s13---11-------11s15---13---11---10---8---6-|
a|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
HORN INTERLUDE ("")
G# D#m C# G#
G# D#m C# G#
VERSE 3 (same chords as previous verse)
In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers, they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels
CHORUS (same as previous chorus)
ENDING
F#maj7
I thought about
A# G#maj7
the army
CHORDS (these are all the chords used in the song. There are a lot but you basically just need G#, D#m and C# for the main parts of the song)
G# 466544
D#m X68876
C# X46664
C#/F X46464
A#m X13321
G#maj7 XX6543
Fm 133111
F# 244322
Cm X35543
Fm7 131111
A#7 X13131
D#7 X68686
C#maj7 XX(11)(10)98
F#maj7 XX4321
A# X13331
Song: Army
Album: The Unauthorized Biography of Reinhold Messner
(see bottom for chords)
VERSE 1 (see below for guitar interlude played during verse)
G#
Well I thought about the army
D#m
Dad said, "Son you're fucking high"
C# G#
And I thought, yeah there's a first for everything
So I took my old man's advice, three sad semesters
D#m
It was only fifteen grand
C#
spent in bed, I thought about the army
G# C#/F
I dropped out and joined a band instead
CHORUS (piano solo)
D#m A#m G#maj7
D#m A#m G#maj7
VERSE 2 (same as verse 1 except for Fm chord)
Grew a moustache and a mullet
Got a job at chick-fillet
Citing artistic differences
the band broke up in May
Fm
And in June reformed without me
And they got a different name
I nuked another grandma's apple pie
And hung my head in shame, no
CHORUS (listen to song for the arrangement of the chords)
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
D#m A#m G#maj7
Been thinking a lot today
BRIDGE
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll write a screenplay
F# C# G#
Oh Oh Think I'll take you to LA
F# C# Cm
Oh Oh Think I'll get it done yesterday
(The guitar part played during the bridge goes something like this)
e|------------------------|
b|------------------------| (this followed by triplets of each note heading back down)
g|------------------------| (11-11-11-10-10-10-9-9-9….)
d|------------------------|
a|------------------------|
e|-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-|
PIANO SOLO (listen to song for arrangement of chords)
Fm7 Cm Fm7 Cm
A#7 D#7 G# G#maj7
Fm7 C# C#maj7 Fm/C Fm
GUITAR SOLO (played along with G# D#m C# G# chords)
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
b|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
g|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
d|---6-------6s10---8-------8s13---11-------11s15---13---11---10---8---6-|
a|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
e|-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------|
HORN INTERLUDE ("")
G# D#m C# G#
G# D#m C# G#
VERSE 3 (same chords as previous verse)
In this time of introspection
On the eve of my election
I say to my reflection
God please spare me more rejection
'Cause my peers, they criticize me
And my ex-wives all despise me
Try to put it all behind me
But my redneck past is nipping at my heels
CHORUS (same as previous chorus)
ENDING
F#maj7
I thought about
A# G#maj7
the army
CHORDS (these are all the chords used in the song. There are a lot but you basically just need G#, D#m and C# for the main parts of the song)
G# 466544
D#m X68876
C# X46664
C#/F X46464
A#m X13321
G#maj7 XX6543
Fm 133111
F# 244322
Cm X35543
Fm7 131111
A#7 X13131
D#7 X68686
C#maj7 XX(11)(10)98
F#maj7 XX4321
A# X13331
I think it's a lovely day to go insane.
Either the scale is broke or I lost ten pounds in three days...crikey!
I'll come out with my diet soon...Total cereal for breakfast...salad for lunch and dinner and 30 minutes of extreme biking while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Saviour Machine, U2, Five Iron Frenzy, Blindside and a few others.
Either the scale is broke or I lost ten pounds in three days...crikey!
I'll come out with my diet soon...Total cereal for breakfast...salad for lunch and dinner and 30 minutes of extreme biking while listening to Nine Inch Nails, Saviour Machine, U2, Five Iron Frenzy, Blindside and a few others.
Burning Letter Escaping to the Night
God...I just want to be happy but I can't for...certain people.
Is this jealousy?
That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?
I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.
What the Hell Jesus?
Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.
I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.
I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.
The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.
This furious and incomprehensible love.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?
The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.
I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.
I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...
I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.
None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.
I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.
Nothing.
The rawness.
How can I reconcile all of these images?
Muse!
Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!
How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?
Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.
Is this jealousy?
That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?
I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.
What the Hell Jesus?
Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.
I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.
I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.
The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.
This furious and incomprehensible love.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?
The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.
I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.
I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...
I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.
None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.
I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.
Nothing.
The rawness.
How can I reconcile all of these images?
Muse!
Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!
How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?
Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.
Sunday, August 16, 2009
"The Hand That Feeds" - Nine Inch Nails
You're keeping in step
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Cause you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on
In the line
Got your chin held high and you feel just fine
Cause you do
What you're told
But inside your heart it is black and it's hollow and it's cold
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
What if this whole crusade's
A charade
And behind it all there's a price to be paid
For the blood
On which we dine
Justified in the name of the holy and the divine
Just how deep do you believe?
Will you bite the hand that feeds?
Will you chew until it bleeds?
Can you get up off your knees?
Are you brave enough to see?
Do you want to change it?
So naive
I keep holding on to what I want to believe
I can see
But I keep holding on and on and on and on
Saturday, August 15, 2009
Aiiiarrrgh!!!
I just missed Showbread.
They played forty five minutes from my house.
It was an early evening concert.
It was tonight.
Ten dollars.
God what are you doing to me?
They played forty five minutes from my house.
It was an early evening concert.
It was tonight.
Ten dollars.
God what are you doing to me?
1 Corinthians 4:1-15
Don't imagine us leaders to be something we aren't. We are servants of Christ, not his masters. We are guides into God's most sublime secrets, not security guards posted to protect them. The requirements for a good guide are reliability and accurate knowledge. It matters very little to me what you think of me, even less where I rank in popular opinion. I don't even rank myself. Comparisons in these matters are pointless. I'm not aware of anything that would disqualify me from being a good guide for you, but that doesn't mean much. The Master makes that judgment.
So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God.
All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.
For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. Without bringing either Apollos or me into it, you're sitting on top of the world—at least God's world—and we're right there, sitting alongside you!
It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.
I'm not writing all this as a neighborhood scold just to make you feel rotten. I'm writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can't wait to tell you what you've done wrong, but there aren't many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God's Message to you that I became your father. I'm not, you know, asking you to do anything I'm not already doing myself.
So don't get ahead of the Master and jump to conclusions with your judgments before all the evidence is in. When he comes, he will bring out in the open and place in evidence all kinds of things we never even dreamed of—inner motives and purposes and prayers. Only then will any one of us get to hear the "Well done!" of God.
All I'm doing right now, friends, is showing how these things pertain to Apollos and me so that you will learn restraint and not rush into making judgments without knowing all the facts. It's important to look at things from God's point of view. I would rather not see you inflating or deflating reputations based on mere hearsay.
For who do you know that really knows you, knows your heart? And even if they did, is there anything they would discover in you that you could take credit for? Isn't everything you have and everything you are sheer gifts from God? So what's the point of all this comparing and competing? You already have all you need. You already have more access to God than you can handle. Without bringing either Apollos or me into it, you're sitting on top of the world—at least God's world—and we're right there, sitting alongside you!
It seems to me that God has put us who bear his Message on stage in a theater in which no one wants to buy a ticket. We're something everyone stands around and stares at, like an accident in the street. We're the Messiah's misfits. You might be sure of yourselves, but we live in the midst of frailties and uncertainties. You might be well-thought-of by others, but we're mostly kicked around. Much of the time we don't have enough to eat, we wear patched and threadbare clothes, we get doors slammed in our faces, and we pick up odd jobs anywhere we can to eke out a living. When they call us names, we say, "God bless you." When they spread rumors about us, we put in a good word for them. We're treated like garbage, potato peelings from the culture's kitchen. And it's not getting any better.
I'm not writing all this as a neighborhood scold just to make you feel rotten. I'm writing as a father to you, my children. I love you and want you to grow up well, not spoiled. There are a lot of people around who can't wait to tell you what you've done wrong, but there aren't many fathers willing to take the time and effort to help you grow up. It was as Jesus helped me proclaim God's Message to you that I became your father. I'm not, you know, asking you to do anything I'm not already doing myself.
Speaking of Garbage
What is this faith of mine?
What is it I truly believe?
I've been on this Jesus kick since I was nine years old and I've been playing at being Bono since age fourteen.
What is this faith?
Is it because of this deep set empathy I have, seeing people hurting and feel that hurt in my soul, that causes me to fall on broken knees crying?
Is it for faith that I cut myself with words of criticism and bitter hate?
Is it for faith that I disgrace myself day in and out being reluctant to choose or decide?
Is it for faith that I have forgotten the Face of my Father?
Is it for love that I curse and spite those who disagree with me?
Is it for the sake of hope that I bring myself low just so I can open my eyes to see people stare at me?
Has this been a farce?
Has this all been an obscene parade with the focus on myself?
"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
-1 Corinthians 4:12
What is it I truly believe?
I've been on this Jesus kick since I was nine years old and I've been playing at being Bono since age fourteen.
What is this faith?
Is it because of this deep set empathy I have, seeing people hurting and feel that hurt in my soul, that causes me to fall on broken knees crying?
Is it for faith that I cut myself with words of criticism and bitter hate?
Is it for faith that I disgrace myself day in and out being reluctant to choose or decide?
Is it for faith that I have forgotten the Face of my Father?
Is it for love that I curse and spite those who disagree with me?
Is it for the sake of hope that I bring myself low just so I can open my eyes to see people stare at me?
Has this been a farce?
Has this all been an obscene parade with the focus on myself?
"We work hard with our own hands. When we are cursed, we bless; when we are persecuted, we endure it; when we are slandered, we answer kindly. We have become the scum of the earth, the garbage of the world—right up to this moment."
-1 Corinthians 4:12
I can bike a half hour and cause my lungs to burn and my body to ache...my heart to burn and my eyes to cry...but it cannot silence my mind nor my soul...nothing silences their pestilence bickering.
Words in the darkness...crying out you are never alone.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Hallelujah.
Words in the darkness...crying out you are never alone.
Man versus himself.
Man versus machine.
Man versus the world.
Mankind versus me.
The struggles go on,
The wisdom I lack,
The burdens keep pilling
Up on my back.
So hard to breathe,
To take the next step.
The mountain is high,
I wait in the depths.
Yearning for grace,
And hoping for peace.
Dear God...
Increase.
Healing hands of God have mercy on our unclean souls once again.
Jesus Christ, light of the world burning bright within our hearts forever.
Freedom means love without condition,
without a beginning or an end.
Here's my heart, let it be forever Your's,
Only You can make every new day seem so new.
Hallelujah.
Friday, August 14, 2009
"The Road goes ever on..."
Right now I'm listening to a mixture of Ben Folds and Streetlight Manifesto so I can pass the time until I leave. It's not that I miss home (I do miss Home Home however, if it is possible to miss somewhere you've never been) but I'm so exhausted from the shared space. I do not understand how people are able to be in enclosed areas like this and not go crazy.
Regardless the future awaits.
Yesterday I went to have a consult with the pain doctor and his number one suggestion for me was to go to a three week pain management course so that my symptoms do not worsen and hopefully it will lead to me getting a somewhat better sense of this magical thing called 'health'.
The only foreseeable problem is that this place is located in a distant land known as Rochester, Minnesota. Turns out it is a real state and is south of this strange land called Canada that I thought existed only in John Candy films. Who knew health care would also teach me elementary level geography?
I'll find out in the coming weeks whether or not Insurance will pay for this, if I can get in and when exactly I'll be there. Assuming things go through with the clinic I'm looking into staying with friends both before and after so this is looking like this might turn into a month (+) longer exodus.
It's been a strange week. More than I can ever write about happened...strange thoughts and occurrences...people I will never see...paintings that were made of various shades of living color.
It's been easy for me to live with this notion that one day everything will slide into place...clarity will come and everything will be waiting for me. As if the Universe would hold everything out on a silver etched platter and then the Universe would just tip his at at me and walk off with a stride that would make
Zaphod Beeblebrox blush.
I do believe everything happens as it will for a purpose. Some might call it faith, predestination, ka, politics, karma, life, drugs or whatever...I think of it as being the love of God holding us and letting us live despite our screw ups.
I don't know how to stop and just breath. To be able to look around and enjoy the smells, sounds and taste of where I am...I have few enjoyable moments of just enjoying life from college. Not that people didn't try to involve me but I was too busy with my own world to really just be thankful I was enjoying standing there.
If that makes sense.
I almost feel that I'm over thinking over thinking.
"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are"
-Ben Folds, "Learn to Live With What You Are"
The point, I think, is that...it is nice to just sit here on this hotel bed and watch the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean. It is nice to stretch my legs out and feel the sheets just lay there. It's nice to know that I can breath and just think for a few more moments.
I want simply try to enjoy and not let so many small things annoy me beyond expression.
I don't know where this road is going...and for now I think that is okay. I've got my laptop in one hand, my Bible in another, my backpack loaded up and my baseball bat on standby.
World I am ready.
"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say. "
-Frodo Baggins
Regardless the future awaits.
Yesterday I went to have a consult with the pain doctor and his number one suggestion for me was to go to a three week pain management course so that my symptoms do not worsen and hopefully it will lead to me getting a somewhat better sense of this magical thing called 'health'.
The only foreseeable problem is that this place is located in a distant land known as Rochester, Minnesota. Turns out it is a real state and is south of this strange land called Canada that I thought existed only in John Candy films. Who knew health care would also teach me elementary level geography?
I'll find out in the coming weeks whether or not Insurance will pay for this, if I can get in and when exactly I'll be there. Assuming things go through with the clinic I'm looking into staying with friends both before and after so this is looking like this might turn into a month (+) longer exodus.
It's been a strange week. More than I can ever write about happened...strange thoughts and occurrences...people I will never see...paintings that were made of various shades of living color.
It's been easy for me to live with this notion that one day everything will slide into place...clarity will come and everything will be waiting for me. As if the Universe would hold everything out on a silver etched platter and then the Universe would just tip his at at me and walk off with a stride that would make
Zaphod Beeblebrox blush.
I do believe everything happens as it will for a purpose. Some might call it faith, predestination, ka, politics, karma, life, drugs or whatever...I think of it as being the love of God holding us and letting us live despite our screw ups.
I don't know how to stop and just breath. To be able to look around and enjoy the smells, sounds and taste of where I am...I have few enjoyable moments of just enjoying life from college. Not that people didn't try to involve me but I was too busy with my own world to really just be thankful I was enjoying standing there.
If that makes sense.
I almost feel that I'm over thinking over thinking.
"There's never gonna be a moment of truth for you
While the world is watching
All you need is the thing you forgotten
And that's to learn to live with what you are"
-Ben Folds, "Learn to Live With What You Are"
The point, I think, is that...it is nice to just sit here on this hotel bed and watch the sun rise over the Atlantic ocean. It is nice to stretch my legs out and feel the sheets just lay there. It's nice to know that I can breath and just think for a few more moments.
I want simply try to enjoy and not let so many small things annoy me beyond expression.
I don't know where this road is going...and for now I think that is okay. I've got my laptop in one hand, my Bible in another, my backpack loaded up and my baseball bat on standby.
World I am ready.
"The Road goes ever on and on
Down from the door where it began.
Now far ahead the Road has gone,
And I must follow, if I can,
Pursuing it with eager feet,
Until it joins some larger way
Where many paths and errands meet.
And whither then? I cannot say. "
-Frodo Baggins
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Galatians 2:20-21
What actually took place is this: I tried keeping rules and working my head off to please God, and it didn't work. So I quit being a "law man" so that I could be God's man. Christ's life showed me how, and enabled me to do it. I identified myself completely with him. Indeed, I have been crucified with Christ. My ego is no longer central. It is no longer important that I appear righteous before you or have your good opinion, and I am no longer driven to impress God. Christ lives in me. The life you see me living is not "mine," but it is lived by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me. I am not going to go back on that.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Is it not clear to you that to go back to that old rule-keeping, peer-pleasing religion would be an abandonment of everything personal and free in my relationship with God? I refuse to do that, to repudiate God's grace. If a living relationship with God could come by rule-keeping, then Christ died unnecessarily.
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Rod
Tonight I was upset.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Too much stress and too little means in ways of dealing with it, so I went for a walk before I just exploded.
I walked along the beach, past the pier and several sand castles and just watched the endless horizon; the sea and sky juxtaposition to the end of the world, crossing but never touching one another.
I saw lightning flicker and walked more.
I walked back and went up and down the board walk, past the clubs and bars, past the tacky souvenir shops and the restaurants. I walked past a guy shouting some Bible verses very loudly towards another guy who was sitting down on a bench. I walked a little further and heard vague quotes from Matthew that sounded like they were used more for morality bashing rather then love.
As I was walking back past the guy on the bench he said 'Hi.' and I stopped. I looked at him and said hey. He asked me to sit down and I did.
He asked if I was homeless or just in the hotel, I mentioned the hotel and welcomed me to his home. Which begs the question, do I always dress like a hobo or was tonight just a special divine occasion?
We talked about thirty minutes or so, periodically being interrupted by his friends many of whom were either drunk or going through drug withdrawals...very tense moments at times but it was something special.
Rod served in the military doing construction and mentioned serving in Afghanistan during the 80's. He said he almost was able to finish his work for massage therapy and get licensed but his mother died and that started him off into a spiral of drugs, both illicit and pharmaceutical, booze and trying to find himself.
Originally he was from North Carolina but found himself at Jacksonville Beach somehow.
He mentioned about how he washed tires and told jokes to try and earn enough money to be able to afford cigarettes and the beer to try and keep his drug withdrawals down. I'm not sure if jusice is a euphemism for something that else that is bad for the body but he asked if he could tell a couple of jokes to have enough money so he could have something to drink.
I obliged him and sadly the jokes were incredibly vulgar (yes I did laugh) and so vulgar that I can't share them on here.
About this time I asked him about the cross he was wearing...he mentioned how he was given the cross and a hundred dollar bill by a guy who wanted to help him. I asked him if he was a believer and he said yes, so much so that him and one of his drunk friends immediately sat down and started praying for me.
That was...something special.
I am too proud for my own good. I won't ask for something because I'm afraid of being told no...or looking like an idiot...but something I've wanted so much this week is for someone...my family or whatever to pray over me, pray for me and with me. It never has to be fancy words but just having someone willing to hold my hand and say 'It's going to be okay, Jesus loves so much and this is going to be okay'...and I know some of you have done so much that I could never repay...and thank you...but sometimes having it in person goes so far.
But these guys...no home, addictions, cancers, pain, heart breaks, disappointments, disillusionment, social stigmas...so much going against them and they are my brothers in faith. They believe ardently that Jesus loves them with a passion that will never cease, that as long as their heart beats that they are beloved by God...that no matter how people look down on them, spit on them, make fun of them...that despise their inability to be perfect Jesus loves them for them.
There is this prevalent lie that perfection and Christianity is somehow supposed to be hand in hand. I don't know if it is just people wanting to see those who claim to be saved fall...or our egos...but this is such garbage. I hate people over quoting Romans but it's true...none of us have our act together...what is better? To be a blind rich man in a condo with no sense of truth...or a beggar who sees the colors of life and has to trust the same God who feeds the birds will feed him?
"So where does that put us? Do we Jews get a better break than the others? Not really. Basically, all of us, whether insiders or outsiders, start out in identical conditions, which is to say that we all start out as sinners. Scripture leaves no doubt about it:
There's nobody living right, not even one,
nobody who knows the score, nobody alert for God.
They've all taken the wrong turn;
they've all wandered down blind alleys.
No one's living right;
I can't find a single one.
Their throats are gaping graves,
their tongues slick as mudslides.
Every word they speak is tinged with poison.
They open their mouths and pollute the air.
They race for the honor of sinner-of-the-year,
litter the land with heartbreak and ruin,
Don't know the first thing about living with others.
They never give God the time of day.
This makes it clear, doesn't it, that whatever is written in these Scriptures is not what God says about others but to us to whom these Scriptures were addressed in the first place! And it's clear enough, isn't it, that we're sinners, every one of us, in the same sinking boat with everybody else? Our involvement with God's revelation doesn't put us right with God. What it does is force us to face our complicity in everyone else's sin."
-Romans 3:9-20
People spend their time feeling pity for the poor...but maybe it is they who really pity us. Not just the American beggars but those starving in Africa, the Christians and Democratic protesters being beaten and tortured in Iran and a dozen other countries around the world...maybe it is those who see the American church as the over bloated and sad caricature that it is pities us...because they can see what we can't see...that it's the sick who need a doctor...and God are we so very sick.
I don't know if I will see Rod again here...but we promised to see each other when we both get to the Kingdom, that I cannot wait for.
Tentative Diagnosis
Today during my second doctors appointment he suggested that I might be suffering from Fibromyalgia, which far from being good news it is much better than it could be.
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
Rather then try and explain the disease I'll post some links and let you go read and come back at your leisure.
Take your time.
I'll wait for you I promise.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Fibromyalgia
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/DS00079/DSECTION=symptoms
http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/fibromyalgia/AR00056
...back?
Okay good.
What does this mean?
I'm actually happy to have some sort of label for my problems...more than once I have thought that (and have been told by what I assume are well meaning people) that I was, to be blunt, insane. I would be in excruciating pain one day and the next in moderate pain. No real patterns existed except pain. So to a degree I feel a certain kind of validation...now that I know what the problem is I can start trying to work towards some sort of solution.
It's a fresh of breath air.
Tomorrow I'm meeting with a doctor at the clinic to talk about treatment options as well as a list of diagnostic questions I have to try and rule out some other possible diseases that could be contributing to things.
Things are still tense around here...I've never been a big fan of family vacations to begin with but certain factors out of my control are making things...extra stressful.
Depending what happens in the morning we may be staying another couple nights or coming home...it just depends on the next doctor appointment. So...we shall see.
Thanks for all the prayers and support. We'll see how deep this particular rabbit hole goes...
I need to write...my stress levels are peaking out and I feel like I'm going to throw up from pure stress...I hate being in close quarters with my family...I'm a horrible son for not trying to work at bringing things together better...but sometimes I feel like I'm the only one attempting to be an adult...and it's been that way for what feels like twenty years...
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Onwards Through Doubt
Why does pain manifest itself as the chilly daggers of fear?
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Seeing the expressions of those around me...so often my initial reaction and thought was that those were looks of revulsion or disgust at me being...instead...it's not so simple as being the deranged thoughts of a narcissist...
I assume life is my story and that those who revolve around me are secondary characters...and this is...its the prime sin of Lucifer...this damned splinter in my mind...slowly driving me mad...demanding I bow in servitude to my base desires...that I am...'I AM'...God forgive me please.
Jonah 4:10-11
God said, "What's this? How is it that you can change your feelings from pleasure to anger overnight about a mere shade tree that you did nothing to get? You neither planted nor watered it. It grew up one night and died the next night. So, why can't I likewise change what I feel about Nineveh from anger to pleasure, this big city of more than 120,000 childlike people who don't yet know right from wrong, to say nothing of all the innocent animals?
Monday, August 10, 2009
"Walk On" - U2
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
The only baggage you can bring
And love is not the easy thing
The only baggage you can bring
Is all that you can't leave behind
And if the darkness is to keep us apart
And if the daylight feels like it's a long way off
And if your glass heart should crack
And for one second you turn back
Oh no, be strong
Walk on, walk on
What you got they can't steal it
No, they can't even feel it
Walk on, walk on
Stay safe tonight
You're packing a suitcase for a place none of has been
A place that has to be believed to be seen
You could have flown away
A singing bird in an open cage
Who will only fly, only fly for freedom
Walk on, walk on
What you've got they can't deny it
Can't sell it or buy it
Walk on, walk on
You stay safe tonight
And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home
That's where the hurt is
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind
All that you fashion
All that you make
All that you build
All that you break
All that you measure
All that you feel
All this you can leave behind
All that you reason
It's only time
All that you bear
No more than a feeling on my mind
All that you see
All that you wear
All that you sense
All that you scheme
All you dress up
All that you've seen
All you create
And all that you wreck
All that you hate
I Hate Math
The worse case scenario is that I'll wait here, in this office, for forty hours this week...ten hours a day...and won't get seen at all.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
The worse part...is being this close...feeling it and knowing...not being able to read or hear what may be...and my mind runs around, runs off and here just because it can...but I miss...oh heavens how I miss that...
That sucked.
I also don't like the way I'm setting myself up to fall...I need to escape from a few things running my mind...I would love to learn how to breath again and just take everything as it is and as it will be.
On the plus side I'm listening to Huey Lewis and the News. I don't care how cheesy some people may say the music is...it has heart and I love it.
This might be my future:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Neurostimulator
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spinal_cord_stimulator
But...yeah...the doctor I talked to seemed quite angry with my other doctors...he feels I've had about a half dozen too many procedures and that the best course of action would be to treat the pain.
I just...yeah.
Maybe not disappointment...just waiting to see.
I may get in today, this week or in several months...
I also didn't realize I gained close to forty pounds thanks to this stupid anti depressant that was supposed to help with the pain. I didn't exactly feel fat until my mom announced in a shocked voice to the entire waiting room...yes...thanks. -_-
Sunday, August 9, 2009
Seems like the numbers were falling right...almost like a Muse whispered in my ear about my personality...how when things change and get messy I tend to fall apart...I need to think deeper on those thoughts...find the way I'm supposed to walk...
Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...
Spoiled brat syndrome is definitely something that can go out the window...
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