God...I just want to be happy but I can't for...certain people.
Is this jealousy?
That people can take vows that I don't understand? Is that what this is all about? Or is it visceral, the physical and sexual?
I mean...I can't even really talk about it to anyone who understands because all these thoughts revolve around people...person...things and thoughts...back in 2005 maybe...something like that.
What the Hell Jesus?
Why am I so self absorbed that I try to hide it as being concern for other people? I don't care most of the time...it's an accident that I help people a lot of the time. And this isn't false humility...this is me just being Matthew.
I'm broken.
I'm tired.
I laugh at random and horrible things.
I wish for hurricanes and huge storms and destruction and get sad when the storms do not disrupt normal life.
I am the creep wanting a zombie apocalypse just so I don't have to worry about renewing my driver's license in three years.
I heard a Voice say 'I love you' and I have believed it.
I'm staking my life on it.
I can't sacrifice my love for my First Love for anything else...because everything is just pale coal in comparison.
The Love burns me and makes me feel again...it reconnects these nerves to my heart I have tried desperately to disconnect. My plot has always been that if I can kill the ability to feel I can kill my need to hear...to obey...but every step I take away I'm buffeted back by this hurricane of love.
This furious and incomprehensible love.
What am I?
Who am I?
Why was I chosen?
Why not someone else?
Why do You even love me?
Why should You even care?
The morning and the coming day are just rushing forward to meet us.
I've lost another musical endeavor and it hurts...hurts like I did when I dropped seminary...when I failed Greek...when I had my heart thrown out the window...when I've broken a girl's heart...when I ate lunch by myself everyday in my dorm room the last two semesters of school because I was terrified of being in the lunch room...I can hear the episodes of Bleach and taste the stale premade Nestea.
I've walked endless lanes around Mobile, in Orr Park...day and night...just seeing faces and water fall...
I'm seeing dinosaur fossils in my mind and the coffee shop...Javs City...how that was such a fundamental social experience from my first days of school to the last months.
None of this matters because the people there will never see this and if they do they will never realize it is about them...I miss the friendships...I miss knowing Jesus was going to do something special...I don't want to move forward...I want the past because I can live there...sad and numb to life.
I'm running...not to stand still but to escape...and nothing sill.
Nothing.
The rawness.
How can I reconcile all of these images?
Muse!
Mistress of the night and written word...SPEAK TO ME!
How might I reconcile all of these Matthews, all of these different views into one? How do I bring one split back to being one? How do I rectify all this damage before it is too late?
Breath into me.
Kiss me with your sweet Spirit and give me energy, help me to reclaim what it means to even be human.
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