Carl Henry just made a slight against Kierkegaard and existentialism.

We are getting irritated with fundamentalists.
Yes we are.

~_~

Quote of the Day:

"Here are the two best prayers I know: 'Help me, help me, help me' and 'Thank you, thank you, thank you.'"
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 91

" The Lord says, “I will rescue those who love me.
I will protect those who trust in my name.
When they call on me, I will answer;
I will be with them in trouble.
I will rescue and honor them.
I will reward them with a long life
and give them my salvation.”"
-Psalm 91:14-16

To love is to trust, to begin to trust is to open my soul, heart and mind to you further...throughout your word and in my life you have spoken to me and made promises; promises to love me and never reject me, promises that you have plans for me, promises that you will never leave or forsake me...and my faith is still so very small so often.

Thank you so much for not basing your love on any of my performances, for treating me like I treat you...for you are so very faithful when all I can think to do is sulk, cry, get angry, throw fits...but you, you are so loving, you have carried me and love me so very much.

I want to start organizing my life and getting things in order for being an adult so I can responsible with the the time, money, relationships and the Love you have entrusted to me. I want to be faithful, faithful like your Son was even to the point of a horrible death on a cross for my sins.

Please help me to learn how to be faithful in the small things today, now...so I can become the godly man you need me to be...that she needs me to be...the one you envisioned me being when you called my name when I was nine and fourteen.


I feel this joy in my heart that is exploding.
I love you, I love you so much.
Every day I learn to love you more.
Oh how I adore your name.
You who called me out of the grave,
gave me a purpose and a new name.
You have made us sons and daughters,
coheirs of the most high.
Blessed are you sweet Lamb of God
who was slain from the foundation of the world
in order to bring salvation to the saints.
May we praise you with clean lips
and hearts that have been broken,
may we praise you day and night
in the highest mountains of light
and in the darkest valleys of frightful night.

You alone are God
and you alone are worthy of praise.
Thank you Abba,
thank you for letting us call you Daddy.

Overflow us with your Holy Spirit
so that we might feel and love again.
Shatter these hearts of iron and stone
so that we may never be deaf to the pain of sin.

Thank you.
Thank you.

Psalm 90

"Satisfy us each morning with your unfailing love,
so we may sing for joy to the end of our lives.
Give us gladness in proportion to our former misery!
Replace the evil years with good.
Let us, your servants, see you work again;
let our children see your glory.
And may the Lord our God show us his approval
and make our efforts successful.
Yes, make our efforts successful!"
-Psalm 90:14-17

Such love...can it be mine?
I do not understand how intoxicating you can be...but when I am apart, when I do not pray or read your word...there is this void, this emptiness...please come close again, never let me leave you again!

I want to find contentment in you, I want to find peace in you...not fading things in this world...but in simply being obedient to you.

Thank you for blessing me with so much love, such impossible blessings...so wonderful, so grand...you are so amazing Daddy...thank you.

I can look down the road and see things coming...so many possibilities...but what of You? What can I do to delight you? To make you smile?
I want to show you love...after all you have done for me...I just want to thank you and love you more...

Peace, in a sea of raging doubt and discord.
Hope, in a night that is full of dark terror.
Love, in an hour of hopelessness.

Such blessed beauty.
Such undeniable assertions of the heart.

"I'd listen to the words he'd say
but in his voice I heard decay
the plastic face forced to portray
all the insides left cold and gray
there is a place that still remains
it eats the fear it eats the pain
the sweetest price he'll have to pay
the day the whole world went away"

Psalm 88

"O Lord, God of my salvation,
I cry out to you by day.
I come to you at night.
Now hear my prayer;
listen to my cry.
For my life is full of troubles,
and death draws near."
-Psalm 88:1-3


I have known such miseries...frail health, sickness, pain, fear of death...so much darkness that I easily become lost in my mind. These tunnels leading downward into further darkness...and yet, you have never left me here.

Patiently you have seeked after me, love me...cared for me in ways I never knew I needed...and showered me with love, such infinitely impossible love...and beauty beyond my comprehension.

Time is so finitely fleeting...one moment to moment...and the beauty I have felt, seen, experienced may be gone in a minute...just like the plant who sheltered Jonah...yet I do not wish to be so short sighted.

You have called me out of this darkness to be loved and share love...thank you.
Thank you for being in love with me, forgiving my many failures and never leaving me in this darkness.

Beauty, such eternal beauty.
Calls me out of the depths
and despite my depravity
there is such infinite grace.

Psalm 87

"I will count Egypt and Babylon among those who know me—
also Philistia and Tyre, and even distant Ethiopia.
They have all become citizens of Jerusalem!
Regarding Jerusalem it will be said,
“Everyone enjoys the rights of citizenship there.”
And the Most High will personally bless this city.
When the Lord registers the nations, he will say,
“They have all become citizens of Jerusalem.”"
-Psalm 87:4-6

Egypt, Babylon, Philistine, Tyre...all of these were cities that stood against God openly at times...and were at times even used as metaphors being decried as symbols representing Satan and the spirit of anti-Christ in this world.

What does it say about the Church where we write off those living in other countries as being enemies when God will call believers out from every corner of creation, every country, every race, every sect, every false tower set against Him?

You've called me...even me.
I want to see you...I'm so sick, so sick of how broken this world is, how much pain is everywhere, how much pain *I* cause, seeing the ill effects of stupid decisions I make that cause others to suffer...it's not just drama, it's the fact I waste five dollars on a cup of coffee when there are thousands of children dying today that the money could have given food, vaccines or clean water to.

Yes...this bothers me, this gives me nightmares...I can't fix everything, I can't save everyone but dammit I can do something besides live here in stagnating apathy.

Besides staying here in middle class church suburbia...what can I do Jesus?
What do I need to do?
How radical are you calling to me?
Do you want me to follow the sermon on the mount to the letter?
Am I working on my masters and phd for myself or for your glory?


I want to be in your arms.
I'm so sick of this pain and how screwed up the world is.
I am selfish and I know it.
When can you return and bring peace to this dying world?
Why...why do you trust us stupid humans to do the work until then?

Thank you for never leaving me in my broken shame...thank you for loving me, thank you for drowning me in grace and sending people to rescue me before I do stupid stuff.

I want to take this love, this intoxicating grace...and share it with the world.
Please.
Either break me, prepare me and then send me or just bring me home today if I cannot be of any use.
I can't stand living in this spiritual purgatory for much longer.
Abba, Daddy, I need you.
I need the peace beyond understanding, I need grace and love to wipe away my shame.



"I walk the world on insect legs beneath an unforgiving sun
Eat the dirt throughout my days On the dirt and dirt I come undone
Messiah born in Bethlehem won't find me lying there
The world's too big for him to see me or hear the things I've said
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
I laughed in the keep of a man with a rose my mandibles are caked in trash
Thought you wouldn't recognize me, in the black of soot and ash
Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes

I love you Lord, and I lift my voice
To worship you, Oh, my soul rejoice
Take joy my King in what you hear
May it be a sweet, sweet sound in your ear"

Clarification: This blog need more of it.

...after all the amazing way things have worked out...horrible, horrible, horrible nightmares...ugh...stupid brain mind soul thing...just...yeah.

Shallow bitter shame.

Fundamentalism is going to give me an aneurysm.

Wait...that just rhymed.

o_o

Psalm 86

"But you, O Lord,
are a God of compassion and mercy,
slow to get angry
and filled with unfailing love and faithfulness.
Look down and have mercy on me.
Give your strength to your servant;
save me, the son of your servant.
Send me a sign of your favor.
Then those who hate me will be put to shame,
for you, O Lord, help and comfort me."
-Psalm 86:15-17

I don't know what to write...a mixture of the highest highs and the lowest lows.
Heaven and Hell in my soul right now.

I want to do the right thing by all people...but it isn't possible...

Love.
Hope.
Peace.
Dear God increase.

Mercy, blessed mercy in this night.

Psalm 85

"You forgave the guilt of your people—
yes, you covered all their sins.

You held back your fury.
You kept back your blazing anger.

Now restore us again, O God of our salvation.
Put aside your anger against us once more.
Will you be angry with us always?
Will you prolong your wrath to all generations?
Won’t you revive us again,
so your people can rejoice in you?
Show us your unfailing love, O Lord,
and grant us your salvation."
-Psalm 85:2-7


Why does life run in circles?
So much is inevitable...so many more horrible, terrible and terrifying things would happen if you didn't intervene.
As silly as it is...just writing this, typing this words and talking to You makes me...happy.

You care.
You actually care about what happens to me, my thoughts, my worries, my concerns, my pains...you have forgiven me...washed me and loved me although I have been so unloving.

It is true...being loved by you has made me lovable.
At any point I can leave...you have made me to be able to choose...and although I'm broken by my sin nature I want to choose you, please help me to stay a little while longer.

I am so tired from running in circles, beating myself to death for the smallest things...I feel the need, the desire and the want to just go far away from the noise of life so I can sit at your feet and listen...

Everything that is, that was and will be...everything in this world is so fleeting...and your love is this strong current which pulls at my heart...this furious love that exhilarates as much as it terrifies me...I just want to fall into you and never leave.

Thank you...can life be more beautiful than in this very moment of grace and wonder?

Psalm 84

"How lovely is your dwelling place,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies.
I long, yes, I faint with longing
to enter the courts of the Lord.
With my whole being, body and soul,
I will shout joyfully to the living God.
Even the sparrow finds a home,
and the swallow builds her nest and raises her young
at a place near your altar,
O Lord of Heaven’s Armies, my King and my God!"
-Psalm 84:1-3



It feels silly to say I hunger and thirst for righteousness, for love, for hope eternal...but I do.
Where is the line between accepting I am human and tolerating sin because of my inner depravity?

I have felt such things...such wonder and such horrors...the outer courts of heaven to a few paces from the seventh circle of Hell.

Thank you for being faithful when I have sought ways to run...thank you.

Quote of the Day:

"Writing is easy. You only need to stare at a piece of blank paper until your forehead bleeds."
-Douglas Adams

Psalm 83

"O God, do not be silent!
Do not be deaf.
Do not be quiet, O God.
Don’t you hear the uproar of your enemies?
Don’t you see that your arrogant enemies are rising up?"
-Psalm 83:1-2

So many thoughts about judgment...and what it means to be on the receiving end of your just rage against sin and our disobedience.
But...if I understand...this judgment is something we choose by not letting you fix us, by redeeming us...it is an eternal action but also a daily process...of Hells or Heavens.

I'm tired of feeling like I am the enemy...you mention us about being sons and daughters...but God I just don't know what to do.
You know?

I mean...it is easy to talk doctrine but until it is truth in the heart and mind...what good are our attempts to systematically categorize you?
I want the love to be real...and for the obedience in my life to come from love...not terror...

Silly Moments of Time

I strived to impress people who had little vested interest in me to begin with...making a fool out of myself and going above and beyond for nothing...when just simple joys around me are so much better than bleeding myself dry over toxic relationships.

I never thought I would be so grateful for the taste of Gatorade and cereal in the morning.

I am alive.
I could have died at any point in the past twenty-four years...and I am grateful to be so loved, so cared about.

I go on about the negative and heaven knows I have enough to complain about...but I am grateful to be able to move at all, to speak and type this silly thing with so many millions have no clean water, food or electricity.

I don't know why you love me Father but thank you.
Help me to learn what that love really means...

"As the Ruin Falls" by C.S. Lewis

All this is flashy rhetoric about loving you.
I never had a selfless thought since I was born.
I am mercenary and self-seeking through and through:
I want God, you, all friends, merely to serve my turn.

Peace, re-assurance, pleasure, are the goals I seek,
I cannot crawl one inch outside my proper skin:
I talk of love --a scholar's parrot may talk Greek--
But, self-imprisoned, always end where I begin.

Only that now you have taught me (but how late) my lack.
I see the chasm. And everything you are was making
My heart into a bridge by which I might get back
From exile, and grow man. And now the bridge is breaking.

For this I bless you as the ruin falls. The pains
You give me are more precious than all other gains.

Psalm 82

"“How long will you hand down unjust decisions
by favoring the wicked?
“Give justice to the poor and the orphan;
uphold the rights of the oppressed and the destitute.
Rescue the poor and helpless;
deliver them from the grasp of evil people."
-Psalm 82:2-4

A thought that has been heavy on my mind lately is Your justice...what it means exactly for you to not only deliver justice but what you see when you see our sin...and what it means for you to see Jesus' death instead of our filth.

It seems impossible, it certainly is improbable that you would love and desire to be near sinners...that you would wish to eat with me and keep company with me and the rest of the 'sinners'.

What is this fleeting life?
Thousands of innocent children are dying a day...where is their justice?
Who stands up in defense of them?
How can you stand by while we have made such a mess of things...while there is such utter misery?
Is free will worth enough to you that you would see so many innocents not only suffer but die so excruciatingly?

Even my pain...the daily struggles I have to function...I know I am not innocent. I have sinned against you and though I have placed my faith in Christ...I still feel I deserve the pain...but that isn't right...is it?

To be made new is to be made new...all sin has been wiped away, all the horrors forgiven...it's just like You have opened the door and you are waiting for me to step through into new life...a life to where I see this gross injustice and I am supposed to do something...but I can't, not on my own anyway.

This love, this beauty...this hope...is more than I could expect...and I want to learn how to be loved by you...and that you like me and want me near.
Maybe I can start doing some sort of good after I learn that...

Such unexpected beauty...

Peace.

Quote of the Day:

"Man with all his shrewdness is as stupid about understanding by himself the mysteries of God, as a donkey is incapable of understanding musical harmony."
-John Calvin

Psalm 81

"You must never have a foreign god;
you must not bow down before a false god.
For it was I, the Lord your God,
who rescued you from the land of Egypt.
Open your mouth wide, and I will fill it with good things."
-Psalm 81:9-10

Beloved...Abba...the idols in my life look so much like me.
The false god I pursue looks so much like me.

My Egypt, my slavery of self hate...addiction to pleasure...to buying, to controlling, to beating myself in order to feel good about my spirituality.

I've been alive for almost twenty-four years and I am still learning the very basic aspects of what it means to be a Christian.

Simplicity...love today, tomorrow...

My faith is so weak that I can't believe that God loves me for me...and likes me despite my tendency to sin. I don't need to worry about the 'grand' lessons...I just need to learn what it means to love and be loved. To stop running back to Egypt and be able to find contentment in this place.

So much going on...so many things, so many thoughts...

The air is somewhat cooler but still having some trouble breathing...ack...lousy lungs...why do you disdain me along with the rest of my body?

There is hope...unexpected beauty in this dark night...


It is just...struggling with who I am takes its toll after a while.
I want to be faithful.
That is all I want.
But I am afraid of the pain I cause...and all the hurt...choices, decisions, feelings, life...expression.

I miss art.
I miss what felt like the Muse directly injecting ideas into my soul.
I also miss the peace that comes from silence and obedience.

I can smile.
I will smile.

Yes.

You know...I sometimes hate being right.
Especially when it involves a friend's doomed relationship.

Quote of the Day:

“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, 'What! You too? I thought I was the only one.'”
-C.S. Lewis

-

"Juggernaut" - Five Iron Frenzy

Psalm 78

"So each generation should set its hope anew on God,
not forgetting his glorious miracles
and obeying his commands.
Then they will not be like their ancestors—
stubborn, rebellious, and unfaithful,
refusing to give their hearts to God."
-Psalm 78:7-8


What does it mean to 'set its hope anew'?
Does it have something to do with expectation, goals, ideals of worship or something else entirely?

How can it feel as if I have been alive for generations?
To feel so weathered in my soul, as if I have lived to see so much born and passed away? Ultimately I feel as if I am nothing more than Israel...stubborn, rebellious, unfaithful...this adulterous bride whose last concern is her betrothed.

God...wants my heart?
He not only loves me...but likes me...wants me closer to Him...YOU want me closer...I just...do you understand how impossible this seems and sounds?

Yet...my heart beats so fast when you are near...I loose my grasp on the temporal...and it as if things are fading from view and are beginning to make sense for the first time...

The stench of the hypocrisy which flows from my mouth...such trite and meaningless metaphors...like a drunk stumbling in a dirty alley. Grace has never left me...and still chases after me...

"From machines that I have made
I’ve become the slave
but I’ve been carried along
freedom like a song
Freedom lifts me like a song
when the weak shall be made strong..."

"The Anatomy of Hypocrisy"

The phrase and title gives me some ideas...

It's clear I've been running...just running from You, myself and everything.

The question is...what am I hiding from?

It's not as if I could succeed.

I know part of it...but there is so much I do not see about myself...about life.

I've cared too much about opinions and I am dying from the weight of expectations on my shoulders...my spirit cannot breath because I left the yoke of the Lord and took on this world, well meaning people who I cannot help, and I drown in the smallest of streams.

At any point You could have wiped me out, destroyed me in Your wrath...and yet grace, beautiful and wonderful grace for a sinner like me. Thanks hardly seems appropriate...much less when I fall down so often and am a child.

But thanks...thanks a million times.

Somethings...someone I do miss...and conversations, joy and life...

It feels as though the day is stretching on and night may last forever.

But...eternity...if nothing else will be a long enough time to catch up.

I do miss the true honesty...not abrasive berating for its own sake...or self motivated righteousness seeking things I can't defend...or just me being on trial for being the fool I am...but the love that grows between two souls sharing life.

It's good to know I can feel.
The pain will pass.
The beauty will grow.
Everything worthwhile will bloom.

Such wonder, such greatness...revealed to one as me?
Such a paradox.
But such beauty.

I keep forgetting that I am turning twenty-four in a few days...for some reason I kept think it was twenty-five.

Ack...numbers.

Isn't prayer supposed to be one of those givens?

I am in such intense physical agony right now that I wish to scream...but no one who can hear me will be able to do anything.

I'm trying to trust and be obedient...even in this incredible darkness...but I'm afraid. I can't carry on, I can't breath...I am broken and needy.
Please don't leave me here...don't forget me...

I feel as though everything is...

The effect of a good story is the impact it makes after all is said and done...something feels like it is missing but also that something has been added.

Yeah...it was a good story.

I'm no hero.
I can't be all the things people ask of me...expect of me.

Lying because of my health, pretending to be okay in a world falling apart...all seems a bit mad.

I just want to be myself is all.

Finish what I can...one step at a time.

I'm not really sure...

Psalm 70

"But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “God is great!”
But as for me, I am poor and needy;
please hurry to my aid, O God.
You are my helper and my savior;
O Lord, do not delay."
-Psalm 70:4-5


The more I force myself to read the Bible, to write, to spend time in prayer, to just throw my thoughts up on this stupid blog...the more I am gaining a bird's eye view of the paradox I am.

At any moment You could have ripped my atoms asunder, scattered this sinful mass across the world and eradicate my soul...but dare I to believe...You love me?

Not just love because you have to but love because you actually want to spend time with me? That you desire me? That you want the superstition to be pulled away and the curtain just ripped apart...and the distance closed by letting you near?

I struggle with believing in this intense love because of how the pain is...why must things be so protracted and drawn out? All this death and agony...somehow can work together for something better? I don't understand...I want to return to bed and hide from reality...not delve into the pain of people's lives...but that is the point of love...to spread...


I am just out of breath,
tired from running everywhere.
Can I lay here
just lay here and be loved?
Not based on my performance,
my shoddy morality
or anything else
but just...me...as me?

I feel as though my soul needs to be erased...

I have been up for six hours already.
I am rather proud at what I have managed to accomplish so far...it very well could be the lack of sleep combined with the exercise and caffeine but I feel giddy about today.

Excited even.

Father, why are you so good to me?
Thank You, thank You...thank You.

Psalm 68

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
-Psalm 68:5-6


Why?
Words...just incomplete statements, half formed words...pain, pain, pain.
Why do so many terrible things happen?
Why must life be this way?

I know I should give thanks for the good You do...adopting us ungrateful lot into Your family and using us in spite of ourselves...but I can't help but ask...again and again...things are so confusing...and it hurts to see so much pain with so little relief.

My sin has never left me, it has carried me to this desert...this land where I thirst and ache for relief...I would kill for the small idols I carry...and why?
Just because I can.
The evil that flows through my veins knows no end...knows no morality...it's only by Your grace that I haven't done anything more stupid...

I am so tired of being spread so thin because of my actions...because of my unhealthy decisions, refusal of help...of grace.


It seems so...scandalous that You would love me...much less actually like me.
But damn those and their narrow view of grace...I am tired of trapping myself into having such a small view of You...like I have.
You are more than a simple idol, more than a blessing vending machine...You are so infinitely beautiful and wonderful...and You desire to be around one as broken and depraved as me?

Doesn't that seem insane?
Why?
Why?
But...thank You.
Thank You for helping me find a church that I may call for home right now...help me put forth effort...and just...this grace, this family...this roof over my head, this hot tea, my car, the ability to pray, to write, to read, to do so many things I take for granted.

It's a beautiful day already.
Even though I get distracted and see only what I want to see most days...thank You Father, thank You Abba.
Thank You.

So many thoughts...so little sleep...but so many thoughts.
Profound, perverse and thoughts of perfection...

Everything and nothing.
And yet so much more...

Not trying to be ambiguous...but really that is all there is at this...and that.

Still praying.
Still hoping.
Some things never change
and yet what shall remain?

Psalm 67

"May your ways be known throughout the earth,
your saving power among people everywhere.
May the nations praise you, O God.
Yes, may all the nations praise you."
-Psalm 67:2-3


It feels so absurd to try and look beyond the trappings of this society and see that You are concerned with more than just this one people. That Your vision, the love and grace that come from the cross are meant for all people everywhere...and even though I do not understand why this world is the way it is...Your love has persistently beat its way inside of me and I just can't help but want to get over myself.

It is depressing how often I just screw up...yet You not only love me...but like me?
How thoroughly absurd.
But more than that...so absolutely true.

With everything that I am studying, reading, absorbing...what will it matter if my heart remains unchanged? If I do not flee desperately from sin and into Your arms?

My heart is breaking for all the wrong reasons...self pity, self hate, self absorption...me, me, me...me too.
Help me stop long enough to breath and just listen...

There is a huge world that is hurting.
That You love.
That I am part of.
That the silly people who read this are apart of.
This isn't just meant to be a display of play acting hypocrisy...but...

There can be incomplete circles and redundant statements...but Your grace knows no bounds. The fears which live in my heart and threaten to overwhelm me...I'm just like any other person...and it is good.

But the burning desire for more, to be more, to grow...to become who You made me to be. That thought captivates me and I idolize it...but God I just want to worship You...not just these pointless images again and again.

But You dear Father.
You alone.

Psalm 66

"Come and listen, all you who fear God,
and I will tell you what he did for me.
For I cried out to him for help,
praising him as I spoke.
If I had not confessed the sin in my heart,
the Lord would not have listened.
But God did listen!
He paid attention to my prayer.
Praise God, who did not ignore my prayer
or withdraw his unfailing love from me."
-Psalm 66:16-20

I am struck dumbfounded with Your love.
This grace...this beauty.
There are not enough words to express thanks, love, adoration for You...everything You have done for me.

I love You, even though my life has never said so.

Psalm 65

"You faithfully answer our prayers with awesome deeds,
O God our savior.
You are the hope of everyone on earth,
even those who sail on distant seas.
You formed the mountains by your power
and armed yourself with mighty strength.
You quieted the raging oceans
with their pounding waves
and silenced the shouting of the nations.
Those who live at the ends of the earth
stand in awe of your wonders.
From where the sun rises to where it sets,
you inspire shouts of joy."
-Psalm 65:5-8


It feels like with every step I make I am one step further from you.
To a degree...circumstances are irrelevant.
Wherever I am in this world I am going to be bound by the same trappings of humanity that all are...as well as my personal demons that like to cry out from the back of my mind from time to time.

I am never going to fully outgrow the struggle...and I suppose in some manner that is a good thing.

I'm dependent on you.
I am trapped in this body and this soul...everything that I am...I am.

What is the right decision?
I've heard more voices and thoughts then I can properly assimilate...and as always I am as afraid of change and making a choice as I have always been.
I hate pain...but it will follow...


I miss the closeness we had when I was younger.
I miss the intimacy...the joy of being in You and what may have just been naive thinking that everything was okay...but I know it will be...even when I am doubting and believing from breath to breath.

I need You as my God.
I need You as my Father.
I need You as my Savior.
I need You as my Lover.
I need You in every way that You are.
I want to feel You come by and the awesomeness that You are.
Small quite voice in the midst of the hurricane.

Please give me clarity of mind and peace on the decision for I do something rash.
I am already hurting so much...please help me with the pain and anxiety.
Just reminders that I am not in control and I am worse than Jacob in both deceiving and trying to wrest control from You.

Yet again Father.
Yet again.

But here we are...You've been beside me in this wilderness even when I didn't want to look at You...now I do. I so desperately want to be closer...I don't care where.

You are the one who knows me best.
If it's Chicago or Sub-Sahara Africa it doesn't matter to me.
Send me.
I want to listen and follow...send me to where I will can grow, learn and help others.
Teach me to love.
I just need help.
Once again.

It's always the small things that remind me and produce such...melancholy.
I hope people don't think I am antisocial...I just am not sure how to turn all the memories and thoughts off...throw in the nausea and it's just like...yeah.

It's a beautiful day.
One that could easily produce tears by itself.

Why do I have to think about or worry about those who for all practical rights and purposes...those gone away? I do not know...

Midnight Melodrama

I was staring at the chipped mirror in the run down place.
Just feel the pain rip through my body again while I leaned over the sink, keeping my face close while looking at my exhausted and stubble covered face.

"Lord, what the Hell am I doing here?"

It's not the first time I have ever asked that.
I guess it won't be the last time I asked that.

Why am I in this city?
Why am I on this path?

I have lost three friends this summer.
All of it is safe to say because of my fault, because at times...because of me being weak, or an idiot...but it is not all of my fault. I am to blame just as any car wreck may be two people's fault.

That is what I feel like right now at this late hour, after horribly screwing up while trying to dance...and seeing such a...look I never want to see again.

Never too late to breakdown...never too late to cry.
It's never too late for regret
or just to stop and say hi.
It's never too late to pray
and hope for a drop of grace.

My strongest inkling right now is geared towards self hate.
For loosing these bonds, these relationships.
For the decisions I am about to make which will result in more bonds being snapped.
Why am I damned regardless of what I do?
Why do I have to decide and cause pain?

I want to do the right thing...but God I want the pain to stop.
Please.
Please let the pain for others stop.
I have been more than happy to suffer indefinitely in the past...but I am reaching a point where I can no longer just...hurt indefinitely.

I want to heal from the pain.
I really want to grow old from age...not because of dealing with too much stress or trying to be Jesus.
I want to see the snow fall again.
And feel the close love of friends.

The cross is in my sight and I do not want to shame Him because of not being able to deal with pain.

I'm on the verge of making a dramatic life decision, please pray for me.

What sort of madman dedicates his doctoral dissertation to his wife?

Just saying.

Psalm 62

"I wait quietly before God,
for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will never be shaken."
-Psalm 62:1-2


You are the only one who really knows me...every thought, every shameful secret, every failure, how excruciating the pain is in my body...and in my soul.

I am ashamed of my weakness, the fact I am weak at all...that I can't be perfect and help everyone...where does this insanity come from?

At no point did You say I have to fix the world, that I have to 'save' everyone...

You said I was supposed to love You, love others, love myself and be faithful.
That is all You ask of me...everything else are details to be worked on.

I want to find real rest in You, in any circumstances...I can't love the people in the house, in my life, my family, my friends, any church, any people, anyone on a real level by myself.
There will reach a point where I freak out and want to run away...where pain becomes real and I have to sacrifice to make things work.

I want the shadows within me to be stopped.
Give me the strength to rage against the night within myself so that I never am content with a mediocre spiritual life. Quite me down, hold me, love me, keep me near...watch over me so I can sleep at night, protect me from the darkness that feels almost tangible.

I want to remember how to love.
Teach me again.
Sing over me my Love, restore my heart while purging it of everything that is wrong.

I love You, oh how I love You.


"Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day"

I need peace, quiet and rest.
That sounds lovely.
Being able to work on a paper in the relative peace and quite.

I don't know how I am going to be able to finish reading this accursed book tonight and try to finish writing about it.

Melodrama makes my head hurt...

Psalm 61

"From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"
-Psalm 61:2-4


Peace, hope and love.
Please...please...let me feel your presence.
Wrap me in Your perfect and unending love.


All my plans...all of my desires all destructive and revolve around me...I want to help...I want to love.

Help me get perspective on my life, on this walk through life...and not just beat myself up or find reasons or ways to guilt or feel bad...but true peace.

Words.