Midnight Melodrama

I was staring at the chipped mirror in the run down place.
Just feel the pain rip through my body again while I leaned over the sink, keeping my face close while looking at my exhausted and stubble covered face.

"Lord, what the Hell am I doing here?"

It's not the first time I have ever asked that.
I guess it won't be the last time I asked that.

Why am I in this city?
Why am I on this path?

I have lost three friends this summer.
All of it is safe to say because of my fault, because at times...because of me being weak, or an idiot...but it is not all of my fault. I am to blame just as any car wreck may be two people's fault.

That is what I feel like right now at this late hour, after horribly screwing up while trying to dance...and seeing such a...look I never want to see again.

Never too late to breakdown...never too late to cry.
It's never too late for regret
or just to stop and say hi.
It's never too late to pray
and hope for a drop of grace.

My strongest inkling right now is geared towards self hate.
For loosing these bonds, these relationships.
For the decisions I am about to make which will result in more bonds being snapped.
Why am I damned regardless of what I do?
Why do I have to decide and cause pain?

I want to do the right thing...but God I want the pain to stop.
Please.
Please let the pain for others stop.
I have been more than happy to suffer indefinitely in the past...but I am reaching a point where I can no longer just...hurt indefinitely.

I want to heal from the pain.
I really want to grow old from age...not because of dealing with too much stress or trying to be Jesus.
I want to see the snow fall again.
And feel the close love of friends.

The cross is in my sight and I do not want to shame Him because of not being able to deal with pain.