Psalm 68

"Father to the fatherless, defender of widows—
this is God, whose dwelling is holy.
God places the lonely in families;
he sets the prisoners free and gives them joy.
But he makes the rebellious live in a sun-scorched land."
-Psalm 68:5-6


Why?
Words...just incomplete statements, half formed words...pain, pain, pain.
Why do so many terrible things happen?
Why must life be this way?

I know I should give thanks for the good You do...adopting us ungrateful lot into Your family and using us in spite of ourselves...but I can't help but ask...again and again...things are so confusing...and it hurts to see so much pain with so little relief.

My sin has never left me, it has carried me to this desert...this land where I thirst and ache for relief...I would kill for the small idols I carry...and why?
Just because I can.
The evil that flows through my veins knows no end...knows no morality...it's only by Your grace that I haven't done anything more stupid...

I am so tired of being spread so thin because of my actions...because of my unhealthy decisions, refusal of help...of grace.


It seems so...scandalous that You would love me...much less actually like me.
But damn those and their narrow view of grace...I am tired of trapping myself into having such a small view of You...like I have.
You are more than a simple idol, more than a blessing vending machine...You are so infinitely beautiful and wonderful...and You desire to be around one as broken and depraved as me?

Doesn't that seem insane?
Why?
Why?
But...thank You.
Thank You for helping me find a church that I may call for home right now...help me put forth effort...and just...this grace, this family...this roof over my head, this hot tea, my car, the ability to pray, to write, to read, to do so many things I take for granted.

It's a beautiful day already.
Even though I get distracted and see only what I want to see most days...thank You Father, thank You Abba.
Thank You.