"Catch all the foxes,
those little foxes,
before they ruin the vineyard of love,
for the grapevines are blossoming!"
-Song of Songs 2:15
Since 'Song of Songs' is right after 'Ecclesiastes' it seemed to make sense to just read into that, since I haven't touched some of the wisdom/poetry books in a couple of years.
I don't understand people.
I've sort of come to the understanding that I don't understand and that may be for the best.
I have accepted I live in another world altogether...a world of anticipating the Coming Age, the fading away of illness and pain, the death of death...and the hope that my Love will return and right this broken world.
Song of Songs is weird in that it encapsulates so much of the paradox and duality in life...male and female, temporal and eternal, God and man, the divine and creation...this love poem of a broken king and broken servant girl.
The thing I have learned most about people, relationships and family...is no one is perfect, no one has their act together and on the best of days we are just smiling and trying to just survive...
So it's okay.
It's not okay to accept failure and give up...but it is okay that eventually bad things will happen.
Promises will be broken.
Lovers will be hurt.
Lies will happen.
Sin is death and sin is at all of our doorsteps.
Nothing can excuse sin but grace can forgive it and make having to face the consequences more bearable.
I hate those stupid little foxes.
They are the small problems that sneak in and nip at the roots of life, the small pains that grow if they are ignored...
It feels like so much of my life revolves around having to beat them off and just try and find a moment to rest, to breath...to leave this insanity.
I just...
I'm tired and know there is hope, know there is a reason and will be okay...this isn't the end...it's just hard to hold on...hard to keep focus...
There is never a reason to despair and lose all hope...but sometimes it's a struggle not to.
Thursday, March 31, 2011
Wednesday, March 30, 2011
Quote of the Day:
""Milton was right…" The choice of every lost soul can be expressed in the words "Better to reign in Hell than to serve in Heaven." There is always something they insist on keeping even at the price of misery…"
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Ecclesiastes 12
"The words of the wise are like cattle prods—painful but helpful. Their collected sayings are like a nail-studded stick with which a shepherd drives the sheep.
But, my child, let me give you some further advice: Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out.
That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad."
-Ecclesiastes 12:11-14
Words.
There are a lot of those floating around...
...in my mind, my soul, this stupid blog and everything...
Words.
Words.
Words.
Action?
Meaning?
Hope?
Love?
Giving?
Living?
Sacrifice?
What does it look like to love?
What does it look like to give until it hurts?
What does it mean to be a Christian in a white middle class world that revolves around money, plans, ambition and taking what you can get while you get it?
I want to know what it is like to know Christ, to know Him crucified and to die...I want the shallowness in my soul to be ripped out from me and have it pass before me into the flames...so maybe, just maybe I can finally stop living to die...and begin dying so that I might live.
Looking in the mirror...sometimes I see myself and don't know who I am.
I don't know if my younger self would recognize me...and what would it matter if I did...or did not.
We run around.
We live.
We cry.
We die.
All of it to amplify...
All it to amplify what?
What is it my life is saying?
Whom do my tears fall for?
Who does my limited resources go to feed, to cloth and to encourage?
There are precious few answers which are simple, which make any sense in this stupid life of compromise and neutral areas.
But Love does.
Love wins.
Christ loves you, loves me and desires for the both of us to be still and listen.
Elijah went into the desert to flee the wrath of Ahab and Jezebel.
He laid in the desert in despair despite "winning" at a religious competition.
God told him to get up and be ready because HE was going to pass by.
Elijah took shelter in the cave.
Wind, fire and destruction passed by the cave...and it was not God.
God was the gentle whisper to come after the destruction.
Our lives have meaning.
Our choices matter.
In the dark, in the confusion, the middle of the night is the still small voice of God whispering love, grace and peace...again, again and again.
Even while trapped in a Hell on earth can grace be found.
There is so much more to see, heard and understood that any can process...
Yet this Love, this fact, this facet is all I can see that matters.
Everything else pales.
Everything else is passing.
The only thing I except to really recognize outright from now until the depths of Eternity is this Love.
It will no longer be pale.
It will no longer seem dim.
The roaring flames of God will continue to melt, refine and embrace my broken self...and this eternal Love will continue and we'll walk by the sea.
But, my child, let me give you some further advice: Be careful, for writing books is endless, and much study wears you out.
That’s the whole story. Here now is my final conclusion: Fear God and obey his commands, for this is everyone’s duty. God will judge us for everything we do, including every secret thing, whether good or bad."
-Ecclesiastes 12:11-14
Words.
There are a lot of those floating around...
...in my mind, my soul, this stupid blog and everything...
Words.
Words.
Words.
Action?
Meaning?
Hope?
Love?
Giving?
Living?
Sacrifice?
What does it look like to love?
What does it look like to give until it hurts?
What does it mean to be a Christian in a white middle class world that revolves around money, plans, ambition and taking what you can get while you get it?
I want to know what it is like to know Christ, to know Him crucified and to die...I want the shallowness in my soul to be ripped out from me and have it pass before me into the flames...so maybe, just maybe I can finally stop living to die...and begin dying so that I might live.
Looking in the mirror...sometimes I see myself and don't know who I am.
I don't know if my younger self would recognize me...and what would it matter if I did...or did not.
We run around.
We live.
We cry.
We die.
All of it to amplify...
All it to amplify what?
What is it my life is saying?
Whom do my tears fall for?
Who does my limited resources go to feed, to cloth and to encourage?
There are precious few answers which are simple, which make any sense in this stupid life of compromise and neutral areas.
But Love does.
Love wins.
Christ loves you, loves me and desires for the both of us to be still and listen.
Elijah went into the desert to flee the wrath of Ahab and Jezebel.
He laid in the desert in despair despite "winning" at a religious competition.
God told him to get up and be ready because HE was going to pass by.
Elijah took shelter in the cave.
Wind, fire and destruction passed by the cave...and it was not God.
God was the gentle whisper to come after the destruction.
Our lives have meaning.
Our choices matter.
In the dark, in the confusion, the middle of the night is the still small voice of God whispering love, grace and peace...again, again and again.
Even while trapped in a Hell on earth can grace be found.
There is so much more to see, heard and understood that any can process...
Yet this Love, this fact, this facet is all I can see that matters.
Everything else pales.
Everything else is passing.
The only thing I except to really recognize outright from now until the depths of Eternity is this Love.
It will no longer be pale.
It will no longer seem dim.
The roaring flames of God will continue to melt, refine and embrace my broken self...and this eternal Love will continue and we'll walk by the sea.
Monday, March 28, 2011
Saturday, March 26, 2011
Ecclesiastes 11
"Young people,it’s wonderful to be young! Enjoy every minute of it. Do everything you want to do; take it all in. But remember that you must give an account to God for everything you do. So refuse to worry, and keep your body healthy. But remember that youth, with a whole life before you, is meaningless."
-Ecclesiastes 11:9-10
So much random disorder, chaos, confusion and doubt...
The chance to live, to breath, to experience...to live and fail...to love and hurt, to see and feel...
Responsibility, ultimate responsibility for every choice...to bring Heaven or Hell to a reality to this world, to the home I build and make for those around me...showing good and evil...becoming more Holy or Hellish in every little choice that adds up to the sum of the eternal...
And grace, so much grace to be given and that carries and smooths over all the roughness, the fear and doubt.
I'm finite but surrounded, plunged into the infinite with so much love...and grace that doesn't make any sense...but that is okay...
It's okay my mind and soul can't comprehend because all of this great learning has brought sorrow upon me and so much doubt...but there is hope.
Wonderful, beautiful, deep, impossible hope that goes beyond my own ability to grasp and understand at all.
The Love, the eternal grace goes beyond the temporal...the now and points to something much bigger, much grander and more beautiful than I can properly grasp.
Sometimes...it's a wonder to be lost and not know everything.
-Ecclesiastes 11:9-10
So much random disorder, chaos, confusion and doubt...
The chance to live, to breath, to experience...to live and fail...to love and hurt, to see and feel...
Responsibility, ultimate responsibility for every choice...to bring Heaven or Hell to a reality to this world, to the home I build and make for those around me...showing good and evil...becoming more Holy or Hellish in every little choice that adds up to the sum of the eternal...
And grace, so much grace to be given and that carries and smooths over all the roughness, the fear and doubt.
I'm finite but surrounded, plunged into the infinite with so much love...and grace that doesn't make any sense...but that is okay...
It's okay my mind and soul can't comprehend because all of this great learning has brought sorrow upon me and so much doubt...but there is hope.
Wonderful, beautiful, deep, impossible hope that goes beyond my own ability to grasp and understand at all.
The Love, the eternal grace goes beyond the temporal...the now and points to something much bigger, much grander and more beautiful than I can properly grasp.
Sometimes...it's a wonder to be lost and not know everything.
Quote of the Day:
"Yes, that's right, you're going. You've been gone for ages. You're already gone. You're still here. You've just arrived. I haven't even met you yet. It all depends on who you are and how you look at it. Strange business, time. Think about me when you're living your life one day after another, all in a neat pattern. Think about the homeless traveler in his old police box, his days like crazy paving."
-The Doctor
-The Doctor
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Quote of the Day:
“Yes, the gracious God enfleshed in Jesus Christ loves us.”
“Grace is the active expression of his love. The Christian lives by grace as Abba’s child, utterly rejecting the God who catches people by surprise in a moment of weakness—the God incapable of smiling at our awkward mistakes, the God who does not accept a seat at our human festivities, the God who says “You will pay for that,” the God incapable of understanding that children will always get dirty and be forgetful, the God always snooping around after sinners.”
“At the same time, the child of the Father rejects the pastel-colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade….
…the child of God knows that the graced life calls him or her to live on a cold and windy mountain, not on the flattened plain of reasonable, middle-of-the-road religion.”
“For at the heart of the gospel of grace, the sky darkens, the wind howls, a young man walks up another Moriah in obedience to a God who demands everything and stops at nothing. Unlike Abraham, he carries a cross on his back rather than sticks for the fire…like Abraham, listening to a wild and restless God who will have His way with us, no matter what the cost.”
“This is the God of the gospel of grace. A God who, out of love for us, sent the only Son He ever had wrapped in our skin. He learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for His milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross, and died whispering forgiveness on us all.”
“The God of the legalistic Christian, on the other hand, is often unpredictable, erratic, and capable of all manner of prejudices. When we view God this way, we feel compelled to engage in some sort of magic to appease Him. Sunday worship becomes a superstitious insurance policy against His whims. This God expects people to be perfect and to be in perpetual control of their feelings and thoughts. When broken people with this concept of God fail—as inevitably they must—they usually expect punishment. So they persevere in religious practices as they struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self. The struggle itself is exhausting. The legalists can never live up to the expectations they project on God.”
“A married woman in Atlanta with two small children told me recently she was certain that God was disappointed with her because she wasn’t “doing anything” for Him. She told me she felt called to a soup kitchen ministry but struggled with leaving her children in someone else’s care. She was shocked when I told her the call was not from God but from her own ingrained legalism. Being a good mother wasn’t enough for her; in her mind, neither was it good enough for God.”
“In similar fashion, a person who thinks of God as a loose cannon firing random broadsides to let us know who’s in charge will become fearful, slavish, and probably unbending in his or her expectations of others. If your God is an impersonal cosmic force, your religion will be noncommittal and vague. The image of God as an omnipotent thug who brooks no human intervention creates a rigid lifestyle ruled by puritanical laws and dominated by fear.”
“But trust in the God who loves consistently and faithfully nurtures confident, free disciples. A loving God fosters a loving people.”
-Brennan Manning
“Grace is the active expression of his love. The Christian lives by grace as Abba’s child, utterly rejecting the God who catches people by surprise in a moment of weakness—the God incapable of smiling at our awkward mistakes, the God who does not accept a seat at our human festivities, the God who says “You will pay for that,” the God incapable of understanding that children will always get dirty and be forgetful, the God always snooping around after sinners.”
“At the same time, the child of the Father rejects the pastel-colored patsy God who promises never to rain on our parade….
…the child of God knows that the graced life calls him or her to live on a cold and windy mountain, not on the flattened plain of reasonable, middle-of-the-road religion.”
“For at the heart of the gospel of grace, the sky darkens, the wind howls, a young man walks up another Moriah in obedience to a God who demands everything and stops at nothing. Unlike Abraham, he carries a cross on his back rather than sticks for the fire…like Abraham, listening to a wild and restless God who will have His way with us, no matter what the cost.”
“This is the God of the gospel of grace. A God who, out of love for us, sent the only Son He ever had wrapped in our skin. He learned how to walk, stumbled and fell, cried for His milk, sweated blood in the night, was lashed with a whip and showered with spit, was fixed to a cross, and died whispering forgiveness on us all.”
“The God of the legalistic Christian, on the other hand, is often unpredictable, erratic, and capable of all manner of prejudices. When we view God this way, we feel compelled to engage in some sort of magic to appease Him. Sunday worship becomes a superstitious insurance policy against His whims. This God expects people to be perfect and to be in perpetual control of their feelings and thoughts. When broken people with this concept of God fail—as inevitably they must—they usually expect punishment. So they persevere in religious practices as they struggle to maintain a hollow image of a perfect self. The struggle itself is exhausting. The legalists can never live up to the expectations they project on God.”
“A married woman in Atlanta with two small children told me recently she was certain that God was disappointed with her because she wasn’t “doing anything” for Him. She told me she felt called to a soup kitchen ministry but struggled with leaving her children in someone else’s care. She was shocked when I told her the call was not from God but from her own ingrained legalism. Being a good mother wasn’t enough for her; in her mind, neither was it good enough for God.”
“In similar fashion, a person who thinks of God as a loose cannon firing random broadsides to let us know who’s in charge will become fearful, slavish, and probably unbending in his or her expectations of others. If your God is an impersonal cosmic force, your religion will be noncommittal and vague. The image of God as an omnipotent thug who brooks no human intervention creates a rigid lifestyle ruled by puritanical laws and dominated by fear.”
“But trust in the God who loves consistently and faithfully nurtures confident, free disciples. A loving God fosters a loving people.”
-Brennan Manning
Ecclesiastes 10
"If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit!
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes."
-Ecclesiastes 10:4
I want to quit.
I want to hide.
I want to run and just not have to deal with this stress, this illness, this pain, this exhaustion, the fact that every time I eat I get sick...I just want to hide from everything that doesn't make sense...
...I want to but I can't.
I just...have to trust, have to hang on...
I have no choice but to trust.
And I cannot begin to even convey how terrifying that is.
Christianity isn't a remote comfort to anyone who actually bothers to read the Bible and realize that the only thing we're promised is misery, death and enough grace to get us from here to there...with an assurance that the harder we try and the more we love than the worst the sorrow and pain.
I promise I'm not a negative masochist but there is joy to be found...even when my world is falling apart and I am just a frightened child.
There is grace.
I fear.
I doubt.
I fall.
I fail.
But for some reason I'm loved.
I can't understand or will ever grasp why God has any interest or desire to know me, insignificant chief of sinners whose only claim to fame is religious nonsense, but here I am...hanging on by a thread and somehow loved.
Nothing I can do could ever increase God's love for me or make him see me as anything but a wounded son who is broken and in need of love...I wish I could be strong but it's a fantasy when you pretend you are something else...and this is love, real broken and Love that defies logic and expectation.
I'm just a broken piece being loved.
Maybe one day I'll be free of pain...but maybe it's the pain that will finally keep me close to God.
It's not about getting good marks or defining myself in human terms...but learning to love, to carry that love and share it with every breath.
Please, just grace enough for today.
Peace enough so I can smile.
Truth enough to embolden my every effort to love.
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes."
-Ecclesiastes 10:4
I want to quit.
I want to hide.
I want to run and just not have to deal with this stress, this illness, this pain, this exhaustion, the fact that every time I eat I get sick...I just want to hide from everything that doesn't make sense...
...I want to but I can't.
I just...have to trust, have to hang on...
I have no choice but to trust.
And I cannot begin to even convey how terrifying that is.
Christianity isn't a remote comfort to anyone who actually bothers to read the Bible and realize that the only thing we're promised is misery, death and enough grace to get us from here to there...with an assurance that the harder we try and the more we love than the worst the sorrow and pain.
I promise I'm not a negative masochist but there is joy to be found...even when my world is falling apart and I am just a frightened child.
There is grace.
I fear.
I doubt.
I fall.
I fail.
But for some reason I'm loved.
I can't understand or will ever grasp why God has any interest or desire to know me, insignificant chief of sinners whose only claim to fame is religious nonsense, but here I am...hanging on by a thread and somehow loved.
Nothing I can do could ever increase God's love for me or make him see me as anything but a wounded son who is broken and in need of love...I wish I could be strong but it's a fantasy when you pretend you are something else...and this is love, real broken and Love that defies logic and expectation.
I'm just a broken piece being loved.
Maybe one day I'll be free of pain...but maybe it's the pain that will finally keep me close to God.
It's not about getting good marks or defining myself in human terms...but learning to love, to carry that love and share it with every breath.
Please, just grace enough for today.
Peace enough so I can smile.
Truth enough to embolden my every effort to love.
Coming from one who has a lot of faith...there is nothing I find as infinitely depressing and frustrating then those who wield "truth" as a club to beat people senseless and try to guilt them into whatever mold they themselves are stuck in. No one is perfect and even on the good days life is a struggle...there is just no time to waste on pointless bickering, slandering and backstabbing when there is so much good that is in need of doing and love in need of giving.
Ecclesiastes 9
"I have observed something else under the sun. The fastest runner doesn’t always win the race, and the strongest warrior doesn’t always win the battle. The wise sometimes go hungry, and the skillful are not necessarily wealthy. And those who are educated don’t always lead successful lives. It is all decided by chance, by being in the right place at the right time."
-Ecclesiastes 9:11
Life.
There is every reason to be bitter, to be cynical and to give up.
But there is life, light and a reason to smile.
Love.
Shown to me, given to me, hugs, kisses, prayers, emails, texts, letters...reminders that there is a reason I am breathing, that there is a reason I have refused to just lay down and die.
I can never quite fathom or express how much physical pain I am.
The fact I FEEL and have such strong emotional and mental responses to everything can just turn things into this...maze, this swamp of emotions and clouds of doubt.
But I feel Your love.
Just as much as I feel this pain.
My spine, my stomach, my head...all hurt...
But my soul, my heart, my mind...are enraptured by this impossible love.
"And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: Did you lose something
I stood glued to the window
Emotions running through my vein
How I know a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You
And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost
I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"
Can I run away?
Be safe in Your arms?
Feel the peace beyond understanding
and know, just know
that You will chase away all my fear
all the monsters
and know that forever
I will be loved?
-Ecclesiastes 9:11
Life.
There is every reason to be bitter, to be cynical and to give up.
But there is life, light and a reason to smile.
Love.
Shown to me, given to me, hugs, kisses, prayers, emails, texts, letters...reminders that there is a reason I am breathing, that there is a reason I have refused to just lay down and die.
I can never quite fathom or express how much physical pain I am.
The fact I FEEL and have such strong emotional and mental responses to everything can just turn things into this...maze, this swamp of emotions and clouds of doubt.
But I feel Your love.
Just as much as I feel this pain.
My spine, my stomach, my head...all hurt...
But my soul, my heart, my mind...are enraptured by this impossible love.
"And so one morning just before dawn You came
Out of the forest towards my window
With a smile in Your hand
As the moist air up to Your knees started swirling like smoke
I saw Your lips move
Asking: Did you lose something
I stood glued to the window
Emotions running through my vein
How I know a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You
And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost
I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"
Can I run away?
Be safe in Your arms?
Feel the peace beyond understanding
and know, just know
that You will chase away all my fear
all the monsters
and know that forever
I will be loved?
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Ecclesiastes 8
"...Those who are wise will find a time and a way to do what is right, for there is a time and a way for everything, even when a person is in trouble."
-Ecclesiastes 8:5-6
There is something utterly remarkable to me in this passage.
It seems there is no excuse for evil, no excuse for choosing the lesser part, no excuse for selling out...even when everything is on the line and death is the asking price for faithfulness.
Sure there is grace.
But there is also having to live with the stupid decisions we are all prone to making.
Seemingly the best thing one can do is prepare for the worse.
And the last part of verse eight from this chapter:
"There is no escaping that obligation, that dark battle. And in the face of death, wickedness will certainly not rescue the wicked."
There is the survival instinct in us that drives us on, making us choose to live when seemingly there should be no drive...but more than that, is the change...the grace that means leaving our animalistic tendencies behind for something more.
Why live?
Why choose to go on when the easy way is to quit?
More than love, more than need...there is something that has to stir, that has to breakthrough to make someone...well me...choose to live when the easiest thing is to give into despair and quit.
It's not something from anyone or anything.
It's a personal battle that goes from artistic endeavors to choosing to ignore the voice that screams at me how imperfect, disgusting and worthless I am...to choosing to look my impending doom square on and laugh...because of how pointless the fear has become.
I may die before finishing this statement.
Or before my next class.
Or before your next breath.
But here I am, alive.
Confusing and ever so meaningful because to live is to shape and create purpose with every waking moment, every step...ever sense of be and being.
It's a choice.
Always, always, always a choice...obedience or rebellion, life or death...servitude or freedom.
It's not everyday you get to choose which path to walk...and sometimes the choice to rebel against life...this world...this culture and die in freedom is better than to live shackled to this sinking ship of ego and self.
-Ecclesiastes 8:5-6
There is something utterly remarkable to me in this passage.
It seems there is no excuse for evil, no excuse for choosing the lesser part, no excuse for selling out...even when everything is on the line and death is the asking price for faithfulness.
Sure there is grace.
But there is also having to live with the stupid decisions we are all prone to making.
Seemingly the best thing one can do is prepare for the worse.
And the last part of verse eight from this chapter:
"There is no escaping that obligation, that dark battle. And in the face of death, wickedness will certainly not rescue the wicked."
There is the survival instinct in us that drives us on, making us choose to live when seemingly there should be no drive...but more than that, is the change...the grace that means leaving our animalistic tendencies behind for something more.
Why live?
Why choose to go on when the easy way is to quit?
More than love, more than need...there is something that has to stir, that has to breakthrough to make someone...well me...choose to live when the easiest thing is to give into despair and quit.
It's not something from anyone or anything.
It's a personal battle that goes from artistic endeavors to choosing to ignore the voice that screams at me how imperfect, disgusting and worthless I am...to choosing to look my impending doom square on and laugh...because of how pointless the fear has become.
I may die before finishing this statement.
Or before my next class.
Or before your next breath.
But here I am, alive.
Confusing and ever so meaningful because to live is to shape and create purpose with every waking moment, every step...ever sense of be and being.
It's a choice.
Always, always, always a choice...obedience or rebellion, life or death...servitude or freedom.
It's not everyday you get to choose which path to walk...and sometimes the choice to rebel against life...this world...this culture and die in freedom is better than to live shackled to this sinking ship of ego and self.
Monday, March 21, 2011
Ecclesiastes 7
"I have seen everything in this meaningless life, including the death of good young people and the long life of wicked people. So don’t be too good or too wise! Why destroy yourself? On the other hand, don’t be too wicked either. Don’t be a fool! Why die before your time? Pay attention to these instructions, for anyone who fears God will avoid both extremes."
-Ecclesiastes 7:15-18
Nothing remains the same.
Acting as if everything will always be this way is at best insane or worst just being delusional...
I can see where life is, where it might have be and where it might possibly go...but there are factors...things beyond my scope and it is good.
It's...I think there can be goodness in being limited, in finite and a distinct beginning and end on this ridiculous world.
Everything can and will pass away...everything around me will fade...there is beauty to be found in the fading daylight...small brilliant flickers of light that are just as likely to pass by and fade without me seeing them...
That may be a part of life...or just part of the delusions.
Everything is fading.
Nothing lasts and yet here I am.
Feeling like a statistical anomaly and every inch of me is aching because of it.
I'm falling, falling and every failing,
and everything that is, will be and be...
But there is hope that the Love will outlast the night.
Every mummer of the heart
and sliver of pain in my body
are all pointing towards eternity,
a Kingdom with no beginning or end
just endless grace and peace.
-Ecclesiastes 7:15-18
Nothing remains the same.
Acting as if everything will always be this way is at best insane or worst just being delusional...
I can see where life is, where it might have be and where it might possibly go...but there are factors...things beyond my scope and it is good.
It's...I think there can be goodness in being limited, in finite and a distinct beginning and end on this ridiculous world.
Everything can and will pass away...everything around me will fade...there is beauty to be found in the fading daylight...small brilliant flickers of light that are just as likely to pass by and fade without me seeing them...
That may be a part of life...or just part of the delusions.
Everything is fading.
Nothing lasts and yet here I am.
Feeling like a statistical anomaly and every inch of me is aching because of it.
I'm falling, falling and every failing,
and everything that is, will be and be...
But there is hope that the Love will outlast the night.
Every mummer of the heart
and sliver of pain in my body
are all pointing towards eternity,
a Kingdom with no beginning or end
just endless grace and peace.
Quote of the Day:
"What I really need is to get clear about what I must do, not what I must know, except insofar as knowledge must precede every act. What matters is to find a purpose, to see what it really is that God wills that I shall do; the crucial thing is to find a truth which is truth for me, to find the idea for which I am willing to live and die."
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Ecclesiastes 6
"The more words you speak, the less they mean. So what good are they?
In the few days of our meaningless lives, who knows how our days can best be spent? Our lives are like a shadow. Who can tell what will happen on this earth after we are gone?"
-Ecclesiastes 6:11-12
I'll be brief.
I love You.
I feel like a perpetual screw up with no chance...but You take a chance on me and choose to love me day in and day out...there is nothing more I could ever ask than that so thank you.
I do not know what it will take for me to start believing in me...but that You believe in me when all I want is for things to end and for life to be brief...it goes beyond expressing that I can never return gratitude enough.
I could choose to let life just go on at an auto pilot rate...or crash things...but I want to see where things might go...life and living...
In the few days of our meaningless lives, who knows how our days can best be spent? Our lives are like a shadow. Who can tell what will happen on this earth after we are gone?"
-Ecclesiastes 6:11-12
I'll be brief.
I love You.
I feel like a perpetual screw up with no chance...but You take a chance on me and choose to love me day in and day out...there is nothing more I could ever ask than that so thank you.
I do not know what it will take for me to start believing in me...but that You believe in me when all I want is for things to end and for life to be brief...it goes beyond expressing that I can never return gratitude enough.
I could choose to let life just go on at an auto pilot rate...or crash things...but I want to see where things might go...life and living...
Friday, March 18, 2011
Ecclesiastes 5
"Talk is cheap, like daydreams and other useless activities. Fear God instead."
-Ecclesiastes 5:7
I don't know what part of my life isn't a daydream, a useless activity or just cheap talk that never leads anywhere.
I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
Jesus...what am I doing?
I don't really sleep and I feel like I'm wasting away.
So tired.
So hard to focus on the next step.
This "break" has blown by and I just do not know.
I want to love You but I'm so frightened.
-Ecclesiastes 5:7
I don't know what part of my life isn't a daydream, a useless activity or just cheap talk that never leads anywhere.
I am so tired.
I feel so sick.
Jesus...what am I doing?
I don't really sleep and I feel like I'm wasting away.
So tired.
So hard to focus on the next step.
This "break" has blown by and I just do not know.
I want to love You but I'm so frightened.
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Wednesday, March 16, 2011
Ecclesiastes 4
"Again, I observed all the oppression that takes place under the sun. I saw the tears of the oppressed, with no one to comfort them. The oppressors have great power, and their victims are helpless. So I concluded that the dead are better off than the living. But most fortunate of all are those who are not yet born. For they have not seen all the evil that is done under the sun"
-Ecclesiastes 4:1-3
It is a profound moment when you finally reach the point where you realize those who are best off are those who never were.
I'm certainly not the poster child for optimism or being willing to always deal with how naive, how annoying, how frustrating, how frightening and madding life can be in a productive manner...but as a Christian, there reaches a point where I see grace...I can feel it in ways that go beyond my personal means of expression.
I guess...that is where faith, emotion, music, soul searching...just this need to rip myself open and analyze...see, dig and fight to understand not just how but why I believe...
There is misery in this world.
There is no way of getting around that.
Being Christian, being made alive in Christ...there is this screaming in my soul about the misery people are forced to live in...stupid poverty, those dying of addiction, those being abused and tortured by their government for political and religious reasons...
I cannot and refuse to see violence as being a valid means for any circumstances and still be able to claim the name of Christ.
Vengeance is the Lord's alone and I do not envy those who put others in a position to be abused and taken advantage of...but the beauty is that Christ chases after the tortuer and as much as he does the tortured.
I don't understand and can't understand God's love...this endless wall of grace that threatens to drown me and refuses to let me fall into my own world and live in a bubble of depression and despair.
There are those in this world hurting more than I can imagine.
I can't fix the world, that single handed messiahism won't help anyone...but maybe by letting go of the perfection and helping any and every person I can...
One person is enough.
These stupid writings, if they can help one person then my life might actually have some sort of redeemable quality to it.
That is really what is boils down to...I feel called to...things...things I don't even understand and I just want to be faithful...some sort of help, real and lasting help to those who can't help themselves...those broken and lost...
I've been broken, I've been lost...confused, hated, hating of myself and others, wanting to run away and wanting to hide...
"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise, and the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.
Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.
It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.
Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise, and the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned...the broken are crowned.
If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."
-Ecclesiastes 4:1-3
It is a profound moment when you finally reach the point where you realize those who are best off are those who never were.
I'm certainly not the poster child for optimism or being willing to always deal with how naive, how annoying, how frustrating, how frightening and madding life can be in a productive manner...but as a Christian, there reaches a point where I see grace...I can feel it in ways that go beyond my personal means of expression.
I guess...that is where faith, emotion, music, soul searching...just this need to rip myself open and analyze...see, dig and fight to understand not just how but why I believe...
There is misery in this world.
There is no way of getting around that.
Being Christian, being made alive in Christ...there is this screaming in my soul about the misery people are forced to live in...stupid poverty, those dying of addiction, those being abused and tortured by their government for political and religious reasons...
I cannot and refuse to see violence as being a valid means for any circumstances and still be able to claim the name of Christ.
Vengeance is the Lord's alone and I do not envy those who put others in a position to be abused and taken advantage of...but the beauty is that Christ chases after the tortuer and as much as he does the tortured.
I don't understand and can't understand God's love...this endless wall of grace that threatens to drown me and refuses to let me fall into my own world and live in a bubble of depression and despair.
There are those in this world hurting more than I can imagine.
I can't fix the world, that single handed messiahism won't help anyone...but maybe by letting go of the perfection and helping any and every person I can...
One person is enough.
These stupid writings, if they can help one person then my life might actually have some sort of redeemable quality to it.
That is really what is boils down to...I feel called to...things...things I don't even understand and I just want to be faithful...some sort of help, real and lasting help to those who can't help themselves...those broken and lost...
I've been broken, I've been lost...confused, hated, hating of myself and others, wanting to run away and wanting to hide...
"Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise, and the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned.
Wait here for death. Wait here for death.
The "blessings" of excess are only a burden on us.
It is a broken system where we just wait for death.
It is a broken system where suffering can never end.
Simplicity is not a curse where strength is humbled and the powerless rise, and the powerless rise.
This is a kingdom born upside-down.
This is a kingdom where the broken are crowned...the broken are crowned.
If helplessness is our system then we're better off upside-down."
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"As we come to grips with out own selfishness and stupidity, we make friends with the imposter and accept that we are impoverished and broken and realize that, if we were not, we would be God. The art of gentleness toward ourselves leads to being gentle with others - and is a natural prerequisite for our presence to God in prayer."
-Brennan Manning
-Brennan Manning
Ecclesiastes 3
"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."
-Ecclesiastes 3:11-13
Time and time again.
Living, breathing, thinking, hoping, helping, walking, crying, writing, eating, moving, driving, seeing, feeling, playing, working...all of these "-ing" verbs with life and life some more.
Where is it all going?
It is much harder to make myself stop, listen, consider, wonder, hope and pray than it should be...but then again...I have this habit of making life a bit more complicated than it should be.
I just feel like I'm going in sleepy circles.
That I am also hungry as well.
Sleepy, hungry, slightly apathetic and just...
I do not want to just take life at face value and forget why I am alive, why it is I am bothering to live and act and do in the first place...
Where is the time?
Where is my time?
Am I wasting it?
Or can this safely be said to be life?
Living?
Doing my best while sick and in pain?
Maybe not always winning but at least trying?
I suppose there is no cosmic score board and even when I do fall down...grace is there...has been, even when I have lacked the faith to believe it.
I can say sorry, I'm so so sorry...and it is true but...what now?
What is the positive step in a right...correct, more correct than another direction?
And...
So many words, so little time and...
Everything is spinning out of control.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Nowhere.
Be and being.
Further tangents.
Again.
Ack.
But love and grace...faith and hope.
So much, so much wonder and goodness...beyond my grasp.
Beauty beyond beauty.
Wonder beyond wonder.
-Ecclesiastes 3:11-13
Time and time again.
Living, breathing, thinking, hoping, helping, walking, crying, writing, eating, moving, driving, seeing, feeling, playing, working...all of these "-ing" verbs with life and life some more.
Where is it all going?
It is much harder to make myself stop, listen, consider, wonder, hope and pray than it should be...but then again...I have this habit of making life a bit more complicated than it should be.
I just feel like I'm going in sleepy circles.
That I am also hungry as well.
Sleepy, hungry, slightly apathetic and just...
I do not want to just take life at face value and forget why I am alive, why it is I am bothering to live and act and do in the first place...
Where is the time?
Where is my time?
Am I wasting it?
Or can this safely be said to be life?
Living?
Doing my best while sick and in pain?
Maybe not always winning but at least trying?
I suppose there is no cosmic score board and even when I do fall down...grace is there...has been, even when I have lacked the faith to believe it.
I can say sorry, I'm so so sorry...and it is true but...what now?
What is the positive step in a right...correct, more correct than another direction?
And...
So many words, so little time and...
Everything is spinning out of control.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Nowhere.
Be and being.
Further tangents.
Again.
Ack.
But love and grace...faith and hope.
So much, so much wonder and goodness...beyond my grasp.
Beauty beyond beauty.
Wonder beyond wonder.
Friday, March 11, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."
-Julian of Norwich
-Julian of Norwich
Ecclesiastes 2
"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?"
Ecclesiastes 2:24-25
The irony stemming from this is palpable.
It's a bit like getting smacked in the face with a spiritual 2x4 that had been wrapped in barbwire, doused in petrol and lit on fire.
The basic pleasures of life get stripped away by the fact that eating anything at all can cause me excruciating food for hours and hours on end.
It's a struggle to not be angry or bitter...or to just want to enjoy a meal without the risk or fear of being doubled over on the floor in a curled up ball of whimpering pain because of my bodies inability to just accept, process and enjoy the damn food.
Why?
Why...?
It's beyond my understanding.
As much as I gripe, whine, cry, pray, boast, falter, fall and just...be confused...I know, I know I am loved, I am wanted and I am pursued by a God whose furious love is like a hurricane...but still, having to suffer the pain...I cry out "Why?!?" and even though I could do nothing to ever earn grace...I feel I suffer because of some moral failure.
Which is absurd.
I can't earn love or grace.
Earned love and grace is performance for price...not love or grace.
So much love that I only feel sometimes and have so much doubt and fear about the love, about the grace...about everything and nothing.
I want to run in fields of flowers and dance until the sun goes down...but the pain that rips through my nerve cells makes me fall down and doubt.
Will this always go in circles?
Will there ever be a clear sign and path to walk?
I will walk.
I will smile.
I may not know but I can choose to walk and do my best.
Ecclesiastes 2:24-25
The irony stemming from this is palpable.
It's a bit like getting smacked in the face with a spiritual 2x4 that had been wrapped in barbwire, doused in petrol and lit on fire.
The basic pleasures of life get stripped away by the fact that eating anything at all can cause me excruciating food for hours and hours on end.
It's a struggle to not be angry or bitter...or to just want to enjoy a meal without the risk or fear of being doubled over on the floor in a curled up ball of whimpering pain because of my bodies inability to just accept, process and enjoy the damn food.
Why?
Why...?
It's beyond my understanding.
As much as I gripe, whine, cry, pray, boast, falter, fall and just...be confused...I know, I know I am loved, I am wanted and I am pursued by a God whose furious love is like a hurricane...but still, having to suffer the pain...I cry out "Why?!?" and even though I could do nothing to ever earn grace...I feel I suffer because of some moral failure.
Which is absurd.
I can't earn love or grace.
Earned love and grace is performance for price...not love or grace.
So much love that I only feel sometimes and have so much doubt and fear about the love, about the grace...about everything and nothing.
I want to run in fields of flowers and dance until the sun goes down...but the pain that rips through my nerve cells makes me fall down and doubt.
Will this always go in circles?
Will there ever be a clear sign and path to walk?
I will walk.
I will smile.
I may not know but I can choose to walk and do my best.
Thursday, March 10, 2011
Ecclesiastes 1
"Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.
History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Sometimes people say, “Here is something new!” But actually it is old; nothing is ever truly new. We don’t remember what happened in the past, and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now."
-Ecclesiastes 1:8-11
Scripture is not just a club to beat people with.
It's history is a guide, a tool to remind us of who we are, where we have been and where we have the potential of going.
Nothing is new under the sun, every sin and every good thing have been seen once and will be seen again.
Jesus is never caught off guard by our stupidity, our desperate need for Him and our never ending need to just be loved.
Humanity means living, it means dirtiness, it means failure, it means sin, it means pain, it means broken relationships...but it also means hope.
God spoke us into being with the full knowledge of knowing how screwed up I would be. My every sin, my every weakness, my frail heart, my aching body and my mind so prone to wonder.
My hypocrisy has never known bounds and so at least God is never caught off guard and the return to grace, the love, the beauty, the forgiveness...it's not cheap grace, it is grace bought by the blood of Christ and salvation worked out in fear and trembling...pain, so much pain...but grace where my broken nature and sin reigned.
There is always a choice.
I can choose to live or choose to die.
It's a day to day life, a day to day choice...here, there, everywhere...everywhere.
History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Sometimes people say, “Here is something new!” But actually it is old; nothing is ever truly new. We don’t remember what happened in the past, and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now."
-Ecclesiastes 1:8-11
Scripture is not just a club to beat people with.
It's history is a guide, a tool to remind us of who we are, where we have been and where we have the potential of going.
Nothing is new under the sun, every sin and every good thing have been seen once and will be seen again.
Jesus is never caught off guard by our stupidity, our desperate need for Him and our never ending need to just be loved.
Humanity means living, it means dirtiness, it means failure, it means sin, it means pain, it means broken relationships...but it also means hope.
God spoke us into being with the full knowledge of knowing how screwed up I would be. My every sin, my every weakness, my frail heart, my aching body and my mind so prone to wonder.
My hypocrisy has never known bounds and so at least God is never caught off guard and the return to grace, the love, the beauty, the forgiveness...it's not cheap grace, it is grace bought by the blood of Christ and salvation worked out in fear and trembling...pain, so much pain...but grace where my broken nature and sin reigned.
There is always a choice.
I can choose to live or choose to die.
It's a day to day life, a day to day choice...here, there, everywhere...everywhere.
Monday, March 7, 2011
Ephesians 6
"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:10-13
Words, words, words...words of politicians, ministers and teachers.
False words.
True words.
Words in varying shades of black, white and gray.
This war isn't about hurting, maiming or killing people.
Too much useless and utterly pointless bloodshed...for what?
Land and resources dead people can't begin to use.
Self righteousness to the end.
The battle is to love, to serve and put ourselves on the line for those the world rejects...we can't save anyone but we can love them.
Loving, protecting, serving and taking care of one person is enough to change the world.
There is so much darkness, so much reason to despair and hate...but there is this hope, this beauty, this wonder and this impossible goodness possible because of Christ...and the love that never ends, never dies...but is true and pure.
-Ephesians 6:10-13
Words, words, words...words of politicians, ministers and teachers.
False words.
True words.
Words in varying shades of black, white and gray.
This war isn't about hurting, maiming or killing people.
Too much useless and utterly pointless bloodshed...for what?
Land and resources dead people can't begin to use.
Self righteousness to the end.
The battle is to love, to serve and put ourselves on the line for those the world rejects...we can't save anyone but we can love them.
Loving, protecting, serving and taking care of one person is enough to change the world.
There is so much darkness, so much reason to despair and hate...but there is this hope, this beauty, this wonder and this impossible goodness possible because of Christ...and the love that never ends, never dies...but is true and pure.
Sunday, March 6, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"You need to get yourself a better dictionary. When you do, look up "genocide". You'll find a little picture of me there, and the caption will read "Over my dead body!"
-The Doctor
-The Doctor
Saturday, March 5, 2011
Ephesians 5
Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. "
-Ephesians 5:1-2
Love so amazing.
Love so divine.
Demands my soul.
Demands my everything, demands my all.
-Ephesians 5:1-2
Love so amazing.
Love so divine.
Demands my soul.
Demands my everything, demands my all.
Tuesday, March 1, 2011
Ephesians 4
"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love."
-Ephesians 4:1-2
In ways...is it melodramatic to say I feel like a prisoner in my own body?
I can't control my pain levels, how sick I am...but I do have the choice of how I react to things...forcing myself to work out, making myself eat healthier foods...and ultimately make myself see things as they are.
The pain, the sickness can make a darkness that hides life...that makes it hard to understand to see truth as truth.
It's a choice to love.
It is a choice to continue to fight against this darkness and refuse to give in.
To refuse to stop believing.
To refuse to let the pain control me.
I can and will choose hope.
And choose to live.
I just need strength, mercy and grace to carry me.
I need to learn love again and again...so I can show grace every time I fall down and every time I hurt.
Not just relearning the failures or bad...but choosing to live again and again and again.
Truth, honest and painful truth.
But truth all the same.
-Ephesians 4:1-2
In ways...is it melodramatic to say I feel like a prisoner in my own body?
I can't control my pain levels, how sick I am...but I do have the choice of how I react to things...forcing myself to work out, making myself eat healthier foods...and ultimately make myself see things as they are.
The pain, the sickness can make a darkness that hides life...that makes it hard to understand to see truth as truth.
It's a choice to love.
It is a choice to continue to fight against this darkness and refuse to give in.
To refuse to stop believing.
To refuse to let the pain control me.
I can and will choose hope.
And choose to live.
I just need strength, mercy and grace to carry me.
I need to learn love again and again...so I can show grace every time I fall down and every time I hurt.
Not just relearning the failures or bad...but choosing to live again and again and again.
Truth, honest and painful truth.
But truth all the same.
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