Ecclesiastes 10

"If your boss is angry at you, don’t quit!
A quiet spirit can overcome even great mistakes."
-Ecclesiastes 10:4

I want to quit.
I want to hide.
I want to run and just not have to deal with this stress, this illness, this pain, this exhaustion, the fact that every time I eat I get sick...I just want to hide from everything that doesn't make sense...

...I want to but I can't.

I just...have to trust, have to hang on...
I have no choice but to trust.
And I cannot begin to even convey how terrifying that is.
Christianity isn't a remote comfort to anyone who actually bothers to read the Bible and realize that the only thing we're promised is misery, death and enough grace to get us from here to there...with an assurance that the harder we try and the more we love than the worst the sorrow and pain.

I promise I'm not a negative masochist but there is joy to be found...even when my world is falling apart and I am just a frightened child.

There is grace.
I fear.
I doubt.
I fall.
I fail.

But for some reason I'm loved.
I can't understand or will ever grasp why God has any interest or desire to know me, insignificant chief of sinners whose only claim to fame is religious nonsense, but here I am...hanging on by a thread and somehow loved.

Nothing I can do could ever increase God's love for me or make him see me as anything but a wounded son who is broken and in need of love...I wish I could be strong but it's a fantasy when you pretend you are something else...and this is love, real broken and Love that defies logic and expectation.

I'm just a broken piece being loved.
Maybe one day I'll be free of pain...but maybe it's the pain that will finally keep me close to God.
It's not about getting good marks or defining myself in human terms...but learning to love, to carry that love and share it with every breath.

Please, just grace enough for today.
Peace enough so I can smile.
Truth enough to embolden my every effort to love.