Ecclesiastes 2

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?"
Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

The irony stemming from this is palpable.
It's a bit like getting smacked in the face with a spiritual 2x4 that had been wrapped in barbwire, doused in petrol and lit on fire.

The basic pleasures of life get stripped away by the fact that eating anything at all can cause me excruciating food for hours and hours on end.

It's a struggle to not be angry or bitter...or to just want to enjoy a meal without the risk or fear of being doubled over on the floor in a curled up ball of whimpering pain because of my bodies inability to just accept, process and enjoy the damn food.

Why?
Why...?

It's beyond my understanding.
As much as I gripe, whine, cry, pray, boast, falter, fall and just...be confused...I know, I know I am loved, I am wanted and I am pursued by a God whose furious love is like a hurricane...but still, having to suffer the pain...I cry out "Why?!?" and even though I could do nothing to ever earn grace...I feel I suffer because of some moral failure.

Which is absurd.
I can't earn love or grace.
Earned love and grace is performance for price...not love or grace.

So much love that I only feel sometimes and have so much doubt and fear about the love, about the grace...about everything and nothing.

I want to run in fields of flowers and dance until the sun goes down...but the pain that rips through my nerve cells makes me fall down and doubt.

Will this always go in circles?
Will there ever be a clear sign and path to walk?

I will walk.
I will smile.
I may not know but I can choose to walk and do my best.