Monday, February 28, 2011
Ephesians 3
"God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord."
-Ephesians 3:10-11
To be perfectly honest...I do not begin to see how any of this could be planned.
Of course, I am a human.
Finite.
Broken.
Easily made sad.
Perhaps a bit too emotional for my own good.
Yet, here I am.
Alive.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.
Loving.
Living.
Playing.
Reading.
Running.
Feeling.
All these emotions, states of being, actions, verbal exchange and cycles of life I fall into and around every day of my life.
How do you begin to understand or tolerate how complexly stupid we all are?
Why do you take mind of us?
Why did you create us when you knew how bad we would be?
Why does my body have to hurt so much?
The Darkness sees us, sees the Church that Christ made and He made us to stand as a testament to his grace, his power, his wisdom, his mercy...his love. How insane is that?
I do not understand...but You love me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words, these frail and broken words do nothing to convey the beauty of grace that I have tasted, that has called me from death into life.
You, You alone can take this broken body and shattered soul, piece them together and make something new...make something beautiful and wonderful.
These frail hands penning such weak words, this will all last just a bit longer...and then freedom from this misery, this pain and this fear.
Yet, there is life to be lived.
Now.
Such a struggle, such a painful struggle you have made easier with those who love and support me.
I'm not sure how I can process or handle any of this...but thank you.
Thank you again and again and again.
-Ephesians 3:10-11
To be perfectly honest...I do not begin to see how any of this could be planned.
Of course, I am a human.
Finite.
Broken.
Easily made sad.
Perhaps a bit too emotional for my own good.
Yet, here I am.
Alive.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.
Loving.
Living.
Playing.
Reading.
Running.
Feeling.
All these emotions, states of being, actions, verbal exchange and cycles of life I fall into and around every day of my life.
How do you begin to understand or tolerate how complexly stupid we all are?
Why do you take mind of us?
Why did you create us when you knew how bad we would be?
Why does my body have to hurt so much?
The Darkness sees us, sees the Church that Christ made and He made us to stand as a testament to his grace, his power, his wisdom, his mercy...his love. How insane is that?
I do not understand...but You love me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words, these frail and broken words do nothing to convey the beauty of grace that I have tasted, that has called me from death into life.
You, You alone can take this broken body and shattered soul, piece them together and make something new...make something beautiful and wonderful.
These frail hands penning such weak words, this will all last just a bit longer...and then freedom from this misery, this pain and this fear.
Yet, there is life to be lived.
Now.
Such a struggle, such a painful struggle you have made easier with those who love and support me.
I'm not sure how I can process or handle any of this...but thank you.
Thank you again and again and again.
Sunday, February 27, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
— Brennan Manning
— Brennan Manning
Ephesians 2
"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
-Ephesians 2:8-10
So much for workaholism.
Nothing, nothing I could do would begin to even start saving me, pulling me out of the muck and mire of my subconsciousness.
There are so, oh so many thoughts in my mind and tremors in my soul.
It feels that the only person who can never accept me is myself.
It is so self defeating and crippling.
I spend so much time feeling inferior and worthless over missing class or failing a quiz that all I want to do is find a corner to hide in.
A bit like those in Revelation crying out for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb of God.
A bit silly.
But so pointless and dangerous when I see the problem.
Breathing hurts.
It's the fibromyalgia mixed with the phlegm from whatever infection I have this week.
The grace in my soul isn't mine to make or keep.
Even with everything else rotating and spinning around my life...love is the reason.
I'm not sure how to let go and love but I want to try.
This life is so short, so fleeing...and I am going to hurt more before it is over.
I guess the question is what can I do with the time I have before it gets worse?
What can be done to help stop the symptoms from becoming worse?
What can I do with this time?
Love.
Smile.
Offer help.
Not crush myself under guilt or impossible goals.
But love those around me.
Give free with what I have given.
I speak so much God that I must never seem to listen.
Can you touch my heart?
Reach down and wrap me in Your love, today?
Like when you found that frighted and confused child so many years ago...I am still just a kid, wandering and wondering in fear...never knowing my way.
Thank you for being faithful to me when all I have ever done is try to show you how desperately I want you to live me alone.
I can't handle this pain on my own, please carry me.
Love, rescue me.
-Ephesians 2:8-10
So much for workaholism.
Nothing, nothing I could do would begin to even start saving me, pulling me out of the muck and mire of my subconsciousness.
There are so, oh so many thoughts in my mind and tremors in my soul.
It feels that the only person who can never accept me is myself.
It is so self defeating and crippling.
I spend so much time feeling inferior and worthless over missing class or failing a quiz that all I want to do is find a corner to hide in.
A bit like those in Revelation crying out for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb of God.
A bit silly.
But so pointless and dangerous when I see the problem.
Breathing hurts.
It's the fibromyalgia mixed with the phlegm from whatever infection I have this week.
The grace in my soul isn't mine to make or keep.
Even with everything else rotating and spinning around my life...love is the reason.
I'm not sure how to let go and love but I want to try.
This life is so short, so fleeing...and I am going to hurt more before it is over.
I guess the question is what can I do with the time I have before it gets worse?
What can be done to help stop the symptoms from becoming worse?
What can I do with this time?
Love.
Smile.
Offer help.
Not crush myself under guilt or impossible goals.
But love those around me.
Give free with what I have given.
I speak so much God that I must never seem to listen.
Can you touch my heart?
Reach down and wrap me in Your love, today?
Like when you found that frighted and confused child so many years ago...I am still just a kid, wandering and wondering in fear...never knowing my way.
Thank you for being faithful to me when all I have ever done is try to show you how desperately I want you to live me alone.
I can't handle this pain on my own, please carry me.
Love, rescue me.
Saturday, February 26, 2011
The Person I Never will Be
Who I am, is who I am.
Time flowing like a stream,
cutting across life
and making channels as its own.
I did not speak to the water
urging it forward,
nor did I dig to change the stream.
I woke up and saw myself
sitting here
and sitting there,
pages torn and confused
making me this throne
on a grassy hill.
I am so exhausted of words
and perfect little promises.
There is a voice speaking to quit
and I so desperately want to feel
and understand what it means to live.
I miss the tress
and calls of birds
from under the carpet of moss
and trees ancient as all the ties.
Point?
Purpose?
Look while you can.
This is all there ever will be.
Living in the shadows of fear
and imposed guilt
have left a broken
and wounded shell.
No longer can you control me
or tell me what I am not
because I am I.
Your permission was never asked
or wanted,
so live as you will
in your picture perfect bubble
and breath in your decay.
I hurt.
I am exhausted.
I feel so much pain.
The pain is more real than real
and so here we are.
Goodnight.
Time flowing like a stream,
cutting across life
and making channels as its own.
I did not speak to the water
urging it forward,
nor did I dig to change the stream.
I woke up and saw myself
sitting here
and sitting there,
pages torn and confused
making me this throne
on a grassy hill.
I am so exhausted of words
and perfect little promises.
There is a voice speaking to quit
and I so desperately want to feel
and understand what it means to live.
I miss the tress
and calls of birds
from under the carpet of moss
and trees ancient as all the ties.
Point?
Purpose?
Look while you can.
This is all there ever will be.
Living in the shadows of fear
and imposed guilt
have left a broken
and wounded shell.
No longer can you control me
or tell me what I am not
because I am I.
Your permission was never asked
or wanted,
so live as you will
in your picture perfect bubble
and breath in your decay.
I hurt.
I am exhausted.
I feel so much pain.
The pain is more real than real
and so here we are.
Goodnight.
Quote of the Day:
“Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic -- if it is pulled out I shall die.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Thursday, February 24, 2011
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
Ephesians 1
"God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan."
-Ephesians 1:9-11
-Ephesians 1:9-11
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
The Scandal of God's Grace
God doesn't play favorites.
Does he?
He has no pride in loving me.
In love you.
Even though we've gone to great lengths to demonstrate we would have everything besides His love and grace.
Yet, such impossible and improbable love...
Does he?
He has no pride in loving me.
In love you.
Even though we've gone to great lengths to demonstrate we would have everything besides His love and grace.
Yet, such impossible and improbable love...
Monday, February 21, 2011
Galatians 6
"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died. It doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation."
-Galatians 6:14-15
This cross...is it my pain?
The weight on my spine and the shortness of breath?
It feels like everyday the sickness grows.
Tendrils wrapping around my soul and I try to breath.
Tendrils of pain.
God I just need to see again.
Can you open my eyes so I see, open my soul so I can feel?
I don't want this world.
I don't want the religious rules.
I need, I want to feel Your love so I can pass it on.
Is it possible that you still have a purpose for me when I feel so lost, so scared, so uncertain and not even knowing what the next step is?
Is it possible for you to forgive me more than seventy times seven, for you to find me laying in this gutter of self hate and disgust?
Thank you for the cross.
Thank you for the agony you endured for my sins.
Thank you for always loving me.
Thank you for finding me, holding me and carrying me.
"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
-Galatians 6:14-15
This cross...is it my pain?
The weight on my spine and the shortness of breath?
It feels like everyday the sickness grows.
Tendrils wrapping around my soul and I try to breath.
Tendrils of pain.
God I just need to see again.
Can you open my eyes so I see, open my soul so I can feel?
I don't want this world.
I don't want the religious rules.
I need, I want to feel Your love so I can pass it on.
Is it possible that you still have a purpose for me when I feel so lost, so scared, so uncertain and not even knowing what the next step is?
Is it possible for you to forgive me more than seventy times seven, for you to find me laying in this gutter of self hate and disgust?
Thank you for the cross.
Thank you for the agony you endured for my sins.
Thank you for always loving me.
Thank you for finding me, holding me and carrying me.
"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."
You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
Sunday, February 20, 2011
Galatians 5
"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."
-Galatians 5:1
I really do not like all this introverted thinking and feeling...because it means I have to deal with the real me that no one really knows.
The insecure narcissist who thinks the entire world is a story to unfold before him...and it goes on and on and on and on.
It's so irritating, so irksome, so dividing and just so frustrating to feel so divided and pulled in so many directions.
It's like I am addicted to the slavery of self and do not even know it most of the time.
Where is all this going?
Where is this life leading?
Every time I try to look and see it seems...
I feel so distant and unsure.
Is this normal?
Is this the life that needs to be lived?
-Galatians 5:1
I really do not like all this introverted thinking and feeling...because it means I have to deal with the real me that no one really knows.
The insecure narcissist who thinks the entire world is a story to unfold before him...and it goes on and on and on and on.
It's so irritating, so irksome, so dividing and just so frustrating to feel so divided and pulled in so many directions.
It's like I am addicted to the slavery of self and do not even know it most of the time.
Where is all this going?
Where is this life leading?
Every time I try to look and see it seems...
I feel so distant and unsure.
Is this normal?
Is this the life that needs to be lived?
Friday, February 18, 2011
Galatians 4
"And that’s the way it was with us before Christ came. We were like children; we were slaves to the basic spiritual principles of this world.
And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir."
-Galatians 4:3, 6-7
Reading this sort of thing is hard.
Hard because I am not allowed to hate or look down on myself.
As much as I really just...don't like myself, God does.
God loves me.
God longs to know me.
God wants my attention.
God wants my love to be given to Him.
More than just some sorry attempt at covering my bases and spiritual leanings...but love, mad and divine love which goes beyond my ability to grasp.
It's frustrating and yet...still so wonderful.
So amazing.
So beyond my words.
Beyond any ability of mine to express.
And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir."
-Galatians 4:3, 6-7
Reading this sort of thing is hard.
Hard because I am not allowed to hate or look down on myself.
As much as I really just...don't like myself, God does.
God loves me.
God longs to know me.
God wants my attention.
God wants my love to be given to Him.
More than just some sorry attempt at covering my bases and spiritual leanings...but love, mad and divine love which goes beyond my ability to grasp.
It's frustrating and yet...still so wonderful.
So amazing.
So beyond my words.
Beyond any ability of mine to express.
"Did you see me falling down from Heaven
Breaking every bone I have
So I tried to touch the sun
I had another fall
You can do the math
I was wrong is what they'll say
I watched their smiles fade away
I watched their black and white turn gray
Their picture-perfect worlds decay today
Today I fell to Earth again, again
I guess I failed You
I guess I cannot win
Today, today
I fell away
I fell away
Did you see me falling down from Heaven
Trailing wings of melted wax
Accelerate
At nine point eight
Accept the fact I'm going to crash
And so-called friends have gone away
And all advice will cease to stay today
Today on fragile wings I tried to touch the sun
As wax and feathers melted
All my dreams have come undone today
You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken wings together
You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken bones together"
Breaking every bone I have
So I tried to touch the sun
I had another fall
You can do the math
I was wrong is what they'll say
I watched their smiles fade away
I watched their black and white turn gray
Their picture-perfect worlds decay today
Today I fell to Earth again, again
I guess I failed You
I guess I cannot win
Today, today
I fell away
I fell away
Did you see me falling down from Heaven
Trailing wings of melted wax
Accelerate
At nine point eight
Accept the fact I'm going to crash
And so-called friends have gone away
And all advice will cease to stay today
Today on fragile wings I tried to touch the sun
As wax and feathers melted
All my dreams have come undone today
You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken wings together
You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken bones together"
Thursday, February 17, 2011
Galatians 3
"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14
Life feels so meaningful and worthless at the same time.
How can things matter and not matter at the same time?
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it mean to love in this world?
Everything and nothing.
Something and sometimes.
Through it all, You have been steadfast and here.
You carried this broken mess of my life.
Time and time again.
You clean up my messes.
When I fall apart You are here to hold me.
Thank you seems so shallow and inappropriate.
Thank you for this breath of air.
Feeling grace in such a real way.
Knowing I am loved for being me.
Thank you.
Again and again.
I ache and cry, the pain and falling, living and dying.
Thank You.
Again and again.
Such wonder, such beauty.
Please help me learn how to love.
If you say that is how we can and will overcome.
Who am I to argue?
-Galatians 3:13-14
Life feels so meaningful and worthless at the same time.
How can things matter and not matter at the same time?
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it mean to love in this world?
Everything and nothing.
Something and sometimes.
Through it all, You have been steadfast and here.
You carried this broken mess of my life.
Time and time again.
You clean up my messes.
When I fall apart You are here to hold me.
Thank you seems so shallow and inappropriate.
Thank you for this breath of air.
Feeling grace in such a real way.
Knowing I am loved for being me.
Thank you.
Again and again.
I ache and cry, the pain and falling, living and dying.
Thank You.
Again and again.
Such wonder, such beauty.
Please help me learn how to love.
If you say that is how we can and will overcome.
Who am I to argue?
Monday, February 14, 2011
Saturday, February 12, 2011
Sometimes...I simply have to wonder at how blazenly stupid I can be.
I think I may have just coined a new phrase with blazen.
Oie.
Why do I bother with such pointless and meaningless gestures and words when none of it will ever be returned in the slightest?
Plus side...maybe I'm getting better and the pressure and gunk in my chest will leave sooner than later.
So exhausted, so all over the place...so drained.
I wish my soul, heart and mind were lest apt to care...much less over such stupid and trivial means...
I think I may have just coined a new phrase with blazen.
Oie.
Why do I bother with such pointless and meaningless gestures and words when none of it will ever be returned in the slightest?
Plus side...maybe I'm getting better and the pressure and gunk in my chest will leave sooner than later.
So exhausted, so all over the place...so drained.
I wish my soul, heart and mind were lest apt to care...much less over such stupid and trivial means...
"Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I've found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it"
But I've found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems
I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it"
Friday, February 11, 2011
"You say you'll give me a highway with no one on it
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold
All the promises we break from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You
All I want is you"
Treasure just to look upon it
All the riches in the night
You say you'll give me eyes in a moon of blindness
A river in a time of dryness
A harbour in the tempest
But all the promises we make from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You say you want your love to work out right
To last with me through the night
You say you want diamonds on a ring of gold
Your story to remain untold
Your love not to grow cold
All the promises we break from the cradle to the grave
When all I want is you
You
All I want is you"
Tuesday, February 8, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"God loves human beings. God loves the world. Not an ideal human, but human beings as they are; not an ideal world, but the real world. What we find repulsive in their opposition to God, what we shrink back from with pain and hostility, namely, real human beings, the real world, this is for God the ground of unfathomable love."
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer
—Dietrich Bonhoeffer
Learning to Pray...Again, Again and Again
“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3
Prayer, like faith or love, is something I have trouble defining and putting into exact words. The more time I spend in the arts, the more ways I find of expressing prayer in means I never would have thought possible.
It is not the means or method in which we pray that matters... but whatever allows one to express themselves. I believe that worship can be in the small acts of living out our lives, enjoying the world and gifts we are given. Music, poetry, painting, singing and the other arts are means of expressing this otherwise inexpressible prayer of the soul.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will."
-Romans 8:26-27
In ways I think the Holy Spirit acts as the fabled Muse in inspiring, pushing and otherwise moving us in ways we never would have found possible. There is such a divine miracle in every day life...that if we show up, do our best and work hard...wrestle, struggle and force our creative sides to engage...such beautiful and wonderful things can happen.
Because of health problems I find it a struggle to be able to kneel for long stretches of time (to kneel is a symbol and a powerful symbol that I feel is just as important as the exchanging of rings for a marriage) but if nothing else I try above else to make sure my heart and soul are kneeling.
Honesty is of the utmost importance in art but so much more in praying.
I will never begin to understand those who think that lying or pretending everything is fine is somehow normal. God knows the innermost of your heart and it may just be my odd way of seeing things...but I feel the need to be brutally honest. I have thrown more than a few swearing temper tantrum at God and I dare say it is better to yell at God than whisper plastic platitudes which mean nothing to you or Him.
For the Christian, we have this connection, this intimate communion with God that goes beyond words. When Jesus spoke of "drinking his blood" and "eating his flesh" and about the wine and bread...there is some supernatural intimacy going on that defies our understanding and logic.
Christianity goes beyond trying to earn a place on a cloud with a harp with good deeds and avoiding cursing, drinking, dancing and sex (grace, grace, grace) but there is this divine madness where God chases after the sinners and those who know how screwed up they are and says He loves them, He loves you and wants you to stop flailing about and stay still and let Him love on you, care for you and help you become something more.
I do not want to sound arrogant in my speech but having seen with my eyes, heard with my ears and felt the overflow of love and grace spread from my soul to every inch of my body...there is a God madly in love with a world full of thieves, tax collectors, prostitutes, traitors and those who are too self righteous for their own good.
We act as though we are doing God a favor by going to church, reading the Bible or praying at all...but it is God who is never too proud to chase after us and let us cry ourselves out and finally just give up so He can take care of us.
It's strange because I pray so often for relief from pain, nausea, the pins and needle numbness, my ever increasing horrible memory, insomnia, anxiety, depression, fear...I pray, cry and am so frustrated because it never seems things are happening fast enough...healing doesn't come and some days it feels that I am just getting worse and the best thing I can do is just lay down and hold my breath while waiting to die just like Jonah did.
Maybe the fibromyalgia is my whale.
God is thankfully never too proud to let us learn the hard way or let us go through trials so we can grow. Growing is painful, so excruciating but God is the type who never leaves things half finished and as long as we have breath than our lives have meaning and need to be lived.
I want to see the big picture but I am not sure it would help because at the end of 'the day I pray and I hear that 'still small voice' saying: "I love you."
That love is a gift to give back to God, give to others and most important a love I have to learn to give to myself.
Prayer is sort of a circle.
A bit like learning to make the motions of accepting and giving love...so maybe we can stop trying to hurt one another and take care of each other.
If you read this, chances are I pray for you.
You are loved.
So loved, even if you struggle to love yourself at all.
God loves you, loves you more than you will ever have the faith or capacity to grasp...and loves you so much that He never will let you stay where you are when there is a life to live...and no matter how dark the night is, there is a dawn coming, light so bright that it will chase away every shadow and...
"I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”"
-Revelation 21:3-5
-Soren Kierkegaard
"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3
Prayer, like faith or love, is something I have trouble defining and putting into exact words. The more time I spend in the arts, the more ways I find of expressing prayer in means I never would have thought possible.
It is not the means or method in which we pray that matters... but whatever allows one to express themselves. I believe that worship can be in the small acts of living out our lives, enjoying the world and gifts we are given. Music, poetry, painting, singing and the other arts are means of expressing this otherwise inexpressible prayer of the soul.
"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will."
-Romans 8:26-27
In ways I think the Holy Spirit acts as the fabled Muse in inspiring, pushing and otherwise moving us in ways we never would have found possible. There is such a divine miracle in every day life...that if we show up, do our best and work hard...wrestle, struggle and force our creative sides to engage...such beautiful and wonderful things can happen.
Because of health problems I find it a struggle to be able to kneel for long stretches of time (to kneel is a symbol and a powerful symbol that I feel is just as important as the exchanging of rings for a marriage) but if nothing else I try above else to make sure my heart and soul are kneeling.
Honesty is of the utmost importance in art but so much more in praying.
I will never begin to understand those who think that lying or pretending everything is fine is somehow normal. God knows the innermost of your heart and it may just be my odd way of seeing things...but I feel the need to be brutally honest. I have thrown more than a few swearing temper tantrum at God and I dare say it is better to yell at God than whisper plastic platitudes which mean nothing to you or Him.
For the Christian, we have this connection, this intimate communion with God that goes beyond words. When Jesus spoke of "drinking his blood" and "eating his flesh" and about the wine and bread...there is some supernatural intimacy going on that defies our understanding and logic.
Christianity goes beyond trying to earn a place on a cloud with a harp with good deeds and avoiding cursing, drinking, dancing and sex (grace, grace, grace) but there is this divine madness where God chases after the sinners and those who know how screwed up they are and says He loves them, He loves you and wants you to stop flailing about and stay still and let Him love on you, care for you and help you become something more.
I do not want to sound arrogant in my speech but having seen with my eyes, heard with my ears and felt the overflow of love and grace spread from my soul to every inch of my body...there is a God madly in love with a world full of thieves, tax collectors, prostitutes, traitors and those who are too self righteous for their own good.
We act as though we are doing God a favor by going to church, reading the Bible or praying at all...but it is God who is never too proud to chase after us and let us cry ourselves out and finally just give up so He can take care of us.
It's strange because I pray so often for relief from pain, nausea, the pins and needle numbness, my ever increasing horrible memory, insomnia, anxiety, depression, fear...I pray, cry and am so frustrated because it never seems things are happening fast enough...healing doesn't come and some days it feels that I am just getting worse and the best thing I can do is just lay down and hold my breath while waiting to die just like Jonah did.
Maybe the fibromyalgia is my whale.
God is thankfully never too proud to let us learn the hard way or let us go through trials so we can grow. Growing is painful, so excruciating but God is the type who never leaves things half finished and as long as we have breath than our lives have meaning and need to be lived.
I want to see the big picture but I am not sure it would help because at the end of 'the day I pray and I hear that 'still small voice' saying: "I love you."
That love is a gift to give back to God, give to others and most important a love I have to learn to give to myself.
Prayer is sort of a circle.
A bit like learning to make the motions of accepting and giving love...so maybe we can stop trying to hurt one another and take care of each other.
If you read this, chances are I pray for you.
You are loved.
So loved, even if you struggle to love yourself at all.
God loves you, loves you more than you will ever have the faith or capacity to grasp...and loves you so much that He never will let you stay where you are when there is a life to live...and no matter how dark the night is, there is a dawn coming, light so bright that it will chase away every shadow and...
"I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”"
-Revelation 21:3-5
Isolation in the Sick Ward
Assuming my brain doesn't actually explode and I'm stuck with all this crap to take care of...which I don't know how to do, or what to do...
Panic.
What am I supposed to do?
Careers.
Marriage.
Families.
And I lay here crying because of how bad this migraine and the fibromyalgia hurts.
I read and see about genocide, war, homelessness. starvation, disease...so much screwed up in this world...I want to, I need to do something but don't know where to start.
So I feel guilt for the things I can't do and self hate for being so sick and unable to do everything.
This is almost as bad as China was...except without some of the more...'fun' bits...
I'm a world away from all the expectations and feel like I'm just going to keep falling down this hole.
It matters.
I matter.
Trying matters.
I just...pray and hope I till can stand.
I have all the answers.
And now I have nothing.
Nothing except the dark and my fragile ego and fears.
Panic.
What am I supposed to do?
Careers.
Marriage.
Families.
And I lay here crying because of how bad this migraine and the fibromyalgia hurts.
I read and see about genocide, war, homelessness. starvation, disease...so much screwed up in this world...I want to, I need to do something but don't know where to start.
So I feel guilt for the things I can't do and self hate for being so sick and unable to do everything.
This is almost as bad as China was...except without some of the more...'fun' bits...
I'm a world away from all the expectations and feel like I'm just going to keep falling down this hole.
It matters.
I matter.
Trying matters.
I just...pray and hope I till can stand.
I have all the answers.
And now I have nothing.
Nothing except the dark and my fragile ego and fears.
Monday, February 7, 2011
Galatians 2
"Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law."
-Galatians 2:16
I have to stop and ask...what is the point?
Why do I bother to read scripture?
Why do I pray?
Why do I pray for myself, for this family of believers around me?
Why do I pray for others to see Jesus?
Why do I pray for health?
Why do I walk the path of celibacy and have taken vows of additional personal morality of things that are not emphasized in scripture, yet I feel strongly about?
"I was born
I was born to sing for you
I didn't have a choice
But to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry
It was a joyful noise
Oh, oh
Only love
Only love can leave such a mark
But only love
Only love can heal such a scar
Justified till we die
You and I will magnify
Oh, the magnificent
Magnificent"
I have seen beauty in suffering.
I have found grace in a gutter when I was laying down, incapable of breathing from the pain...and here I stand today.
This is not about myself, not that I advocate or think God doesn't care and the individual is meaningless, but I do not want to advocate Matthew or a line of theology that is *mine*.
I have seen, felt...experienced what it means to be loved by Jesus...what it means to be forgiven and have this burden I place on myself lifted.
So quick, so fast I am to place large and unessential and unnecessary burdens on myself...and for what? What goal? What purpose?
*****
****
***
**
*
My life are those marks and they are quickly counting down and counting out.
Life is spinning out of control and will end soon.
I want to feel this electricity of grace coursing through my veins, I want to feel this energy and put it to work. Not keep the love inside, keep the love for me...but pour it out, let my life be emptied and let the grace of God be seen...no matter the cost, no matter the pain.
If Jesus can somehow take this broken shell and use it, make something so impossibly beautiful, than he can do anything at all.
I have faith that this pain, this suffering my Father, my Lord, my God, my Abba, my Daddy...I have faith that this isn't in vain, that I am not suffering and will die alone. Even in my darkest moments where I have cursed You, You have drawn closer to me.
Divine madman.
You are.
But so wonderful.
So frightening, so powerful...but such Love.
-Galatians 2:16
I have to stop and ask...what is the point?
Why do I bother to read scripture?
Why do I pray?
Why do I pray for myself, for this family of believers around me?
Why do I pray for others to see Jesus?
Why do I pray for health?
Why do I walk the path of celibacy and have taken vows of additional personal morality of things that are not emphasized in scripture, yet I feel strongly about?
"I was born
I was born to sing for you
I didn't have a choice
But to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry
It was a joyful noise
Oh, oh
Only love
Only love can leave such a mark
But only love
Only love can heal such a scar
Justified till we die
You and I will magnify
Oh, the magnificent
Magnificent"
I have seen beauty in suffering.
I have found grace in a gutter when I was laying down, incapable of breathing from the pain...and here I stand today.
This is not about myself, not that I advocate or think God doesn't care and the individual is meaningless, but I do not want to advocate Matthew or a line of theology that is *mine*.
I have seen, felt...experienced what it means to be loved by Jesus...what it means to be forgiven and have this burden I place on myself lifted.
So quick, so fast I am to place large and unessential and unnecessary burdens on myself...and for what? What goal? What purpose?
*****
****
***
**
*
My life are those marks and they are quickly counting down and counting out.
Life is spinning out of control and will end soon.
I want to feel this electricity of grace coursing through my veins, I want to feel this energy and put it to work. Not keep the love inside, keep the love for me...but pour it out, let my life be emptied and let the grace of God be seen...no matter the cost, no matter the pain.
If Jesus can somehow take this broken shell and use it, make something so impossibly beautiful, than he can do anything at all.
I have faith that this pain, this suffering my Father, my Lord, my God, my Abba, my Daddy...I have faith that this isn't in vain, that I am not suffering and will die alone. Even in my darkest moments where I have cursed You, You have drawn closer to me.
Divine madman.
You are.
But so wonderful.
So frightening, so powerful...but such Love.
A Few Glimpses of Gallifrey:
http://bug-eye.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-172671252?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=131
http://amras-arfeiniel.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-174233976?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=18
http://aerindarkwater.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-desktop-163365162?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=15
http://evionn.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-lights-84928349?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=20
http://amras-arfeiniel.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-174233976?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=18
http://aerindarkwater.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-desktop-163365162?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=15
http://evionn.deviantart.com/art/Gallifrey-lights-84928349?q=boost%3Apopular%20gALLIFREY&qo=20
Sunday, February 6, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"If you two could put your weight on the door and stop the it from opening too suddenly, I don't want to loose my arm. I'm rather attached to it and it is so handy"
-The Fourth Doctor
-The Fourth Doctor
Saturday, February 5, 2011
Galatians 1:10-12
"Do you think I speak this strongly in order to manipulate crowds? Or curry favor with God? Or get popular applause? If my goal was popularity, I wouldn't bother being Christ's slave. Know this—I am most emphatic here, friends—this great Message I delivered to you is not mere human optimism. I didn't receive it through the traditions, and I wasn't taught it in some school. I got it straight from God, received the Message directly from Jesus Christ."
-Galatians 1:10-12
The question that has to be asked...at one point did it seem like conformity was the right path?
I suppose there is the danger of being so obsessed with avoiding conformity that there is this accidental bastardization that comes about by trying to avoid conformity...
My faith seems so sure...but then is it faith when all certainties are accounted for? I struggle with trusting such a powerful, all consuming God who seems obsessed with the impossible and implausible...because I...am so weak, so weak and tired. Sleep does never refresh me...and I am afraid I am in such a downward spiral.
Abby, Daddy...I am so weak, my health so frail...and these faith rises up in me when I have nothing, nothing left...I am so weak, so exhausted. I do not care about cliches, about the world to come because right now...this very minute, I am hurting, I am so weak...so tired.
"Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.
I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling."
I don't care what they say, what they write...everything is coming to a climax with You as the sole reason for living...even this broken body of mine is Yours for whatever glory it can be given.
Please do not let me reduce you to a series of tests, a formula and loose what it means to have You be my Daddy, my Love, my reason, my being...everything I could ever dare dream to hope to see...to feel...to pray and want to know.
I suppose like Mary...I want...not I need to hide these words in my heart, to feel your love anew each day...I love You, even though I ache and want to scream until I am hoarse. I need You, I need You so much especially when I am hurting so bad and feel so weak...
Please, please, please do not tarry my Love, hurry and rescue me from the limb I got myself stuck on. I blame all on You when so much is my fault...I pass the blame but never the guilt and get myself stuck in cycles...
Thank you, thank you for love...such uncompromising grace and mercy that carries me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
A million times again and again.
Such beauty, such wonder.
Such terror and such hope.
Jesus Christ,
everything I am
and pressing me to overcome
everything I am not.
-Galatians 1:10-12
The question that has to be asked...at one point did it seem like conformity was the right path?
I suppose there is the danger of being so obsessed with avoiding conformity that there is this accidental bastardization that comes about by trying to avoid conformity...
My faith seems so sure...but then is it faith when all certainties are accounted for? I struggle with trusting such a powerful, all consuming God who seems obsessed with the impossible and implausible...because I...am so weak, so weak and tired. Sleep does never refresh me...and I am afraid I am in such a downward spiral.
Abby, Daddy...I am so weak, my health so frail...and these faith rises up in me when I have nothing, nothing left...I am so weak, so exhausted. I do not care about cliches, about the world to come because right now...this very minute, I am hurting, I am so weak...so tired.
"Too weak to wonder,
too tired to care,
Jesus Christ, are you really there?
I've fallen down,
Can't pull myself back up.
I'm going to drown, have mercy,
Have mercy.
I need you now,
Not words or a feeling.
But Jesus Christ,
I've hit the ceiling."
I don't care what they say, what they write...everything is coming to a climax with You as the sole reason for living...even this broken body of mine is Yours for whatever glory it can be given.
Please do not let me reduce you to a series of tests, a formula and loose what it means to have You be my Daddy, my Love, my reason, my being...everything I could ever dare dream to hope to see...to feel...to pray and want to know.
I suppose like Mary...I want...not I need to hide these words in my heart, to feel your love anew each day...I love You, even though I ache and want to scream until I am hoarse. I need You, I need You so much especially when I am hurting so bad and feel so weak...
Please, please, please do not tarry my Love, hurry and rescue me from the limb I got myself stuck on. I blame all on You when so much is my fault...I pass the blame but never the guilt and get myself stuck in cycles...
Thank you, thank you for love...such uncompromising grace and mercy that carries me.
Thank you, thank you, thank you.
A million times again and again.
Such beauty, such wonder.
Such terror and such hope.
Jesus Christ,
everything I am
and pressing me to overcome
everything I am not.
"I believe there'll come a day
Maybe it will be tomorrow
When the bluebird flies away
All we have to do is follow
I believe a dream can still come true
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?
You may say I'm a fool
Feeling the way that I do
I believe in friends and laughter
And the wonders love can do
I believe in songs and magic
And that's why I believe in you
You may say I'm a fool
Feeling this way about you
There's not much I can do
I'm gonna be this way my life through
Because I still believe in miracles
I swear I've seen a few
And the time will surely come
When you can see my point of view
I believe in second chances
And that's why I believe in you"
Maybe it will be tomorrow
When the bluebird flies away
All we have to do is follow
I believe a dream can still come true
Why shouldn't I believe the same in you?
You may say I'm a fool
Feeling the way that I do
I believe in friends and laughter
And the wonders love can do
I believe in songs and magic
And that's why I believe in you
You may say I'm a fool
Feeling this way about you
There's not much I can do
I'm gonna be this way my life through
Because I still believe in miracles
I swear I've seen a few
And the time will surely come
When you can see my point of view
I believe in second chances
And that's why I believe in you"
"I've been in every black hole
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"
At the altar of the dark star
My body's now a begging bowl
That's begging to get back
Begging to get back to my heart
To the rhythm of my soul
To the rhythm of my unconsciousness
To the rhythm that yearns
To be released from control
I was punching in the numbers
At the ATM machine
I could see in the reflection
A face staring back at me
At the moment of surrender
Of vision over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me
I was speeding on the subway
Through the stations of the cross
Every eye looking every other way
Counting down 'til the pain will stop
At the moment of surrender
Of vision of over visibility
I did not notice the passers-by
And they did not notice me"
Quote of the Day:
"I want neither a terrorist spirituality that keeps me in a perpetual state of fright about being in right relationship with my heavenly Father nor a sappy spirituality that portrays God as such a benign teddy bear that there is no aberrant behavior or desire of mine that he will not condone. I want a relationship with the Abba (Aramaic for "Daddy") of Jesus, who is infinitely compassionate with my brokenness and at the same time an awesome, incomprehensible, and unwieldy Mystery."
—Brennan Manning
—Brennan Manning
Friday, February 4, 2011
I try to smile.
But sometimes the pain is too real and too much.
Sometimes it is my stomach or my back...or conversing with...
I sometimes wish I was born so I wouldn't feel so strongly.
But...that would mean I was not me.
I want to make You proud.
And...I can make her smile and laugh even in the awkward times...so that is something.
Right?
But sometimes the pain is too real and too much.
Sometimes it is my stomach or my back...or conversing with...
I sometimes wish I was born so I wouldn't feel so strongly.
But...that would mean I was not me.
I want to make You proud.
And...I can make her smile and laugh even in the awkward times...so that is something.
Right?
Thursday, February 3, 2011
Quote of the Day:
"That is so bloody typical of this galaxy. I finally get my daughter back and now you tell me we're all about to be blown to pieces in four minutes."
-Arthur Dent, "And Another Thing"
-Arthur Dent, "And Another Thing"
"you and me
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything"
I sometimes have to wonder why I think so much of marriage and family.
I'm in no position to even start that stuff...even if I had someone I could trust, someone to open my soul to...that wouldn't just use me and toss me aside.
What does it matter?
I can't define myself by actions, titles or people...
It is who I am in the light of eternity and the end...
"Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside"
I want to be like Paul, being content in any situation.
But I'm shallow.
In ways I am coming to grips with that...but I don't want to be content with mediocrity...and be changed by the patterns I hate.
Who am I?
I feel as if I am being torn into several pieces...all of them having to be me...forced to be various shades of...so many, many things.
I know I am me.
That should be enough but I worry.
I forget who God is...and what it means to be loved and faithful.
It's a struggle to find balance.
I just...
Words, so many many words.
Endless words.
Circles and figures.
Pain and so much and so little.
we're in this together now
none of them can stop us now
we will make it through somehow
you and me
even after everything
you're the queen and I'm the king
nothing else means anything"
I sometimes have to wonder why I think so much of marriage and family.
I'm in no position to even start that stuff...even if I had someone I could trust, someone to open my soul to...that wouldn't just use me and toss me aside.
What does it matter?
I can't define myself by actions, titles or people...
It is who I am in the light of eternity and the end...
"Now I am somewhere I am not supposed to be,
and I can see things I know I really shouldn't see
And now I know why, now, now, now I know why
Things aren't as pretty
On the inside"
I want to be like Paul, being content in any situation.
But I'm shallow.
In ways I am coming to grips with that...but I don't want to be content with mediocrity...and be changed by the patterns I hate.
Who am I?
I feel as if I am being torn into several pieces...all of them having to be me...forced to be various shades of...so many, many things.
I know I am me.
That should be enough but I worry.
I forget who God is...and what it means to be loved and faithful.
It's a struggle to find balance.
I just...
Words, so many many words.
Endless words.
Circles and figures.
Pain and so much and so little.
Wednesday, February 2, 2011
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"With Pollyanna" - Bill Eager
Yeah.
Freaking infectiously happy.
But I want to use this as refrain in writing a story...obviously EarthBound/Mother and Chrono Trigger inspired...just like everything else I write...but maybe this time it will be the best story I can write.
Just.
Maybe.
Thank you Jesus.
Existential Turnips
I really have no idea what that title is supposed to mean.
It might very well has come to a point where the most sense I can make out of life is that it is literally nonsense.
The more I learn about those I'm close to the more I realize how dark and broken this world is.
Maybe I am negative but maybe it's the fact this is a broken and disjointed world spinning out of control.
I look and see how frigid and unforgiven this world is as it seems the best among us are kicked around the most and when they fall down they are stomped on extra hard for daring to be talented or trying hard.
I know life isn't just this thankless struggle on a bleak island surrounded by darkness, demons screeching in the night and the world dissolving into Silent Hill every few minutes...but all the pain, all the human misery, all the broken emotions...all the pain in people's day to day lives is worse than any monster and any Hell excessive fundamentalists can dream up in their off time.
Maybe it has taken me almost twenty-five years of my life and the last few years spent as a chronically sick and disjointed misfit just sort of falling from place to place...but I think I am finally starting to feel like I am somewhere I am supposed to be.
The more I really read and try to understand the Gospels, the more I see that Jesus really was that "man of constant sorrows" (Isiah 53) and it was by choice. He chose to be born to a poor family and into a social situation where they would be alienated because of everyone thinking he was a bastard child...He chose to seek out students who were social outcasts or viewed as being unwanted and disgusting...not only were they students but they became friends...He saw the people no one wanted, the ones without potential, the screw ups, the rejects, the fools, the ones at the end of their ropes...and those were His friends and the ones He called His family.
If that made no literal or logical sense in the first century Roman province of Judea, then I suppose it doesn't make much sense in twenty-first century Alabama.
At least to those who haven't really seen Jesus.
I get asked on a regular basis, "What are you going to do with your life?" and I have a series of stock answers I reply with depending on my mood or whatever seems best at the time.
Honestly, I don't care about titles and I try to lie to myself and say my health is going to get better and the pain and symptoms aren't getting worse (Is it a mark of a bad liar that I can't even convince myself?)...where will I be in a few months, a year or a decade?
This is the best plan I have been able to put together after years of research, planning and lots of papers:
I want to help people.
I want to pray.
I want both of those things push me to giving up my notions of comfort so I can help more.
Jesus is with the poor and broken.
He may be invited in happier and richer sections of town but I am not sure he will turn up because of being busy helping the poor and broken...at least from how I have read the Bible and from the writers of those I trust.
One of those "case in points" would be this:
"“If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14.26 … the theological student learns that these words appear in the New Testament, and in one or another exegetical resource book he finds the explanation that to hate in this passage and in a few other passages by weakening means love less, esteem less, honor not, count as nothing. The context in which these words appear, however, does not seem to affirm the appealing explanation. In the verse following this we are told that someone who wants to erect a tower first of all makes a rough estimate to see if he is able to finish it, lest he be mocked later. The close proximity of this story and the verse seems to indicate that the words are to be taken in their full terror in order that each person may examine himself to see if he can erect the building."
-Soren Kierkegaard, "Fear and Trembling"
When it seems like theology was becoming a crutch to satisfy myself I turned to philosophy to make myself have to dig for answers about why I believe I have a right to hope when those I love are wracked with doubt, depression and self destruction.
No matter how I try to approach it, this world is screwed up and the only thing that even seems to do any good is hug the person wracked with guilt and pain, shaking and crying, and tell them that I love them.
If they do not see Jesus in my love, in my actions, in the very breath I breath...what right do I have to invoke the Holy Lamb of God, the only thing that is of any worth or goodness in my life, in my self-righteous ventures that are in vain?
I suppose that seems a bit drab and depressing.
That isn't my intention per say.
If anything, I sort of feel a bit more confident that moving back to Mobile and attempting to continue my studies while feeling like I am falling apart wasn't as stupid as it may have seemed at first.
I am becoming a bit more certain about how unimportant "practical" things are and that learning to really pray, really love, really spend time with people is about the most important thing I can do.
If you take away nothing more from this pompous and excessively long meandering spewage of verbiage...know you are loved.
You are more beautiful, more worthy, more needed, more desired and more loved than you will ever have the faith to believe.
Nothing can extinguish the fires of eternity and that is what drives the madness of God's love for you.
At least that is my belief.
Take it for what you will my friend.
It might very well has come to a point where the most sense I can make out of life is that it is literally nonsense.
The more I learn about those I'm close to the more I realize how dark and broken this world is.
Maybe I am negative but maybe it's the fact this is a broken and disjointed world spinning out of control.
I look and see how frigid and unforgiven this world is as it seems the best among us are kicked around the most and when they fall down they are stomped on extra hard for daring to be talented or trying hard.
I know life isn't just this thankless struggle on a bleak island surrounded by darkness, demons screeching in the night and the world dissolving into Silent Hill every few minutes...but all the pain, all the human misery, all the broken emotions...all the pain in people's day to day lives is worse than any monster and any Hell excessive fundamentalists can dream up in their off time.
Maybe it has taken me almost twenty-five years of my life and the last few years spent as a chronically sick and disjointed misfit just sort of falling from place to place...but I think I am finally starting to feel like I am somewhere I am supposed to be.
The more I really read and try to understand the Gospels, the more I see that Jesus really was that "man of constant sorrows" (Isiah 53) and it was by choice. He chose to be born to a poor family and into a social situation where they would be alienated because of everyone thinking he was a bastard child...He chose to seek out students who were social outcasts or viewed as being unwanted and disgusting...not only were they students but they became friends...He saw the people no one wanted, the ones without potential, the screw ups, the rejects, the fools, the ones at the end of their ropes...and those were His friends and the ones He called His family.
If that made no literal or logical sense in the first century Roman province of Judea, then I suppose it doesn't make much sense in twenty-first century Alabama.
At least to those who haven't really seen Jesus.
I get asked on a regular basis, "What are you going to do with your life?" and I have a series of stock answers I reply with depending on my mood or whatever seems best at the time.
Honestly, I don't care about titles and I try to lie to myself and say my health is going to get better and the pain and symptoms aren't getting worse (Is it a mark of a bad liar that I can't even convince myself?)...where will I be in a few months, a year or a decade?
This is the best plan I have been able to put together after years of research, planning and lots of papers:
I want to help people.
I want to pray.
I want both of those things push me to giving up my notions of comfort so I can help more.
Jesus is with the poor and broken.
He may be invited in happier and richer sections of town but I am not sure he will turn up because of being busy helping the poor and broken...at least from how I have read the Bible and from the writers of those I trust.
One of those "case in points" would be this:
"“If any one comes to me and does not hate his own father and mother and wife and children and brothers and sisters, yes, and even his own life, he cannot be my disciple.” Luke 14.26 … the theological student learns that these words appear in the New Testament, and in one or another exegetical resource book he finds the explanation that to hate in this passage and in a few other passages by weakening means love less, esteem less, honor not, count as nothing. The context in which these words appear, however, does not seem to affirm the appealing explanation. In the verse following this we are told that someone who wants to erect a tower first of all makes a rough estimate to see if he is able to finish it, lest he be mocked later. The close proximity of this story and the verse seems to indicate that the words are to be taken in their full terror in order that each person may examine himself to see if he can erect the building."
-Soren Kierkegaard, "Fear and Trembling"
When it seems like theology was becoming a crutch to satisfy myself I turned to philosophy to make myself have to dig for answers about why I believe I have a right to hope when those I love are wracked with doubt, depression and self destruction.
No matter how I try to approach it, this world is screwed up and the only thing that even seems to do any good is hug the person wracked with guilt and pain, shaking and crying, and tell them that I love them.
If they do not see Jesus in my love, in my actions, in the very breath I breath...what right do I have to invoke the Holy Lamb of God, the only thing that is of any worth or goodness in my life, in my self-righteous ventures that are in vain?
I suppose that seems a bit drab and depressing.
That isn't my intention per say.
If anything, I sort of feel a bit more confident that moving back to Mobile and attempting to continue my studies while feeling like I am falling apart wasn't as stupid as it may have seemed at first.
I am becoming a bit more certain about how unimportant "practical" things are and that learning to really pray, really love, really spend time with people is about the most important thing I can do.
If you take away nothing more from this pompous and excessively long meandering spewage of verbiage...know you are loved.
You are more beautiful, more worthy, more needed, more desired and more loved than you will ever have the faith to believe.
Nothing can extinguish the fires of eternity and that is what drives the madness of God's love for you.
At least that is my belief.
Take it for what you will my friend.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
