Ephesians 2

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
-Ephesians 2:8-10

So much for workaholism.
Nothing, nothing I could do would begin to even start saving me, pulling me out of the muck and mire of my subconsciousness.

There are so, oh so many thoughts in my mind and tremors in my soul.
It feels that the only person who can never accept me is myself.
It is so self defeating and crippling.

I spend so much time feeling inferior and worthless over missing class or failing a quiz that all I want to do is find a corner to hide in.

A bit like those in Revelation crying out for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb of God.
A bit silly.
But so pointless and dangerous when I see the problem.

Breathing hurts.
It's the fibromyalgia mixed with the phlegm from whatever infection I have this week.

The grace in my soul isn't mine to make or keep.
Even with everything else rotating and spinning around my life...love is the reason.
I'm not sure how to let go and love but I want to try.
This life is so short, so fleeing...and I am going to hurt more before it is over.

I guess the question is what can I do with the time I have before it gets worse?
What can be done to help stop the symptoms from becoming worse?
What can I do with this time?

Love.
Smile.
Offer help.
Not crush myself under guilt or impossible goals.
But love those around me.
Give free with what I have given.

I speak so much God that I must never seem to listen.
Can you touch my heart?
Reach down and wrap me in Your love, today?
Like when you found that frighted and confused child so many years ago...I am still just a kid, wandering and wondering in fear...never knowing my way.

Thank you for being faithful to me when all I have ever done is try to show you how desperately I want you to live me alone.

I can't handle this pain on my own, please carry me.
Love, rescue me.