Learning to Pray...Again, Again and Again

“The function of prayer is not to influence God, but rather to change the nature of the one who prays.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

"I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord."
-Psalm 40:1-3



Prayer, like faith or love, is something I have trouble defining and putting into exact words. The more time I spend in the arts, the more ways I find of expressing prayer in means I never would have thought possible.

It is not the means or method in which we pray that matters... but whatever allows one to express themselves. I believe that worship can be in the small acts of living out our lives, enjoying the world and gifts we are given. Music, poetry, painting, singing and the other arts are means of expressing this otherwise inexpressible prayer of the soul.

"And the Holy Spirit helps us in our weakness. For example, we don’t know what God wants us to pray for. But the Holy Spirit prays for us with groaning that cannot be expressed in words. And the Father who knows all hearts knows what the Spirit is saying, for the Spirit pleads for us believers in harmony with God’s own will."
-Romans 8:26-27

In ways I think the Holy Spirit acts as the fabled Muse in inspiring, pushing and otherwise moving us in ways we never would have found possible. There is such a divine miracle in every day life...that if we show up, do our best and work hard...wrestle, struggle and force our creative sides to engage...such beautiful and wonderful things can happen.

Because of health problems I find it a struggle to be able to kneel for long stretches of time (to kneel is a symbol and a powerful symbol that I feel is just as important as the exchanging of rings for a marriage) but if nothing else I try above else to make sure my heart and soul are kneeling.

Honesty is of the utmost importance in art but so much more in praying.

I will never begin to understand those who think that lying or pretending everything is fine is somehow normal. God knows the innermost of your heart and it may just be my odd way of seeing things...but I feel the need to be brutally honest. I have thrown more than a few swearing temper tantrum at God and I dare say it is better to yell at God than whisper plastic platitudes which mean nothing to you or Him.

For the Christian, we have this connection, this intimate communion with God that goes beyond words. When Jesus spoke of "drinking his blood" and "eating his flesh" and about the wine and bread...there is some supernatural intimacy going on that defies our understanding and logic.

Christianity goes beyond trying to earn a place on a cloud with a harp with good deeds and avoiding cursing, drinking, dancing and sex (grace, grace, grace) but there is this divine madness where God chases after the sinners and those who know how screwed up they are and says He loves them, He loves you and wants you to stop flailing about and stay still and let Him love on you, care for you and help you become something more.

I do not want to sound arrogant in my speech but having seen with my eyes, heard with my ears and felt the overflow of love and grace spread from my soul to every inch of my body...there is a God madly in love with a world full of thieves, tax collectors, prostitutes, traitors and those who are too self righteous for their own good.

We act as though we are doing God a favor by going to church, reading the Bible or praying at all...but it is God who is never too proud to chase after us and let us cry ourselves out and finally just give up so He can take care of us.




It's strange because I pray so often for relief from pain, nausea, the pins and needle numbness, my ever increasing horrible memory, insomnia, anxiety, depression, fear...I pray, cry and am so frustrated because it never seems things are happening fast enough...healing doesn't come and some days it feels that I am just getting worse and the best thing I can do is just lay down and hold my breath while waiting to die just like Jonah did.

Maybe the fibromyalgia is my whale.

God is thankfully never too proud to let us learn the hard way or let us go through trials so we can grow. Growing is painful, so excruciating but God is the type who never leaves things half finished and as long as we have breath than our lives have meaning and need to be lived.

I want to see the big picture but I am not sure it would help because at the end of 'the day I pray and I hear that 'still small voice' saying: "I love you."

That love is a gift to give back to God, give to others and most important a love I have to learn to give to myself.

Prayer is sort of a circle.
A bit like learning to make the motions of accepting and giving love...so maybe we can stop trying to hurt one another and take care of each other.

If you read this, chances are I pray for you.
You are loved.
So loved, even if you struggle to love yourself at all.

God loves you, loves you more than you will ever have the faith or capacity to grasp...and loves you so much that He never will let you stay where you are when there is a life to live...and no matter how dark the night is, there is a dawn coming, light so bright that it will chase away every shadow and...


"I heard a loud shout from the throne, saying, “Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”

And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!” And then he said to me, “Write this down, for what I tell you is trustworthy and true.”"
-Revelation 21:3-5