Galatians 2

"Yet we know that a person is made right with God by faith in Jesus Christ, not by obeying the law. And we have believed in Christ Jesus, so that we might be made right with God because of our faith in Christ, not because we have obeyed the law. For no one will ever be made right with God by obeying the law."
-Galatians 2:16


I have to stop and ask...what is the point?
Why do I bother to read scripture?
Why do I pray?
Why do I pray for myself, for this family of believers around me?
Why do I pray for others to see Jesus?
Why do I pray for health?
Why do I walk the path of celibacy and have taken vows of additional personal morality of things that are not emphasized in scripture, yet I feel strongly about?


"I was born
I was born to sing for you 

I didn't have a choice
But to lift you up
And sing whatever song you wanted me to
I give you back my voice
From the womb my first cry
It was a joyful noise
Oh, oh

Only love
Only love can leave such a mark

But only love
Only love can heal such a scar


Justified till we die
You and I will magnify

Oh, the magnificent

Magnificent"

I have seen beauty in suffering.
I have found grace in a gutter when I was laying down, incapable of breathing from the pain...and here I stand today.

This is not about myself, not that I advocate or think God doesn't care and the individual is meaningless, but I do not want to advocate Matthew or a line of theology that is *mine*.

I have seen, felt...experienced what it means to be loved by Jesus...what it means to be forgiven and have this burden I place on myself lifted.

So quick, so fast I am to place large and unessential and unnecessary burdens on myself...and for what? What goal? What purpose?


*****
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My life are those marks and they are quickly counting down and counting out.
Life is spinning out of control and will end soon.

I want to feel this electricity of grace coursing through my veins, I want to feel this energy and put it to work. Not keep the love inside, keep the love for me...but pour it out, let my life be emptied and let the grace of God be seen...no matter the cost, no matter the pain.

If Jesus can somehow take this broken shell and use it, make something so impossibly beautiful, than he can do anything at all.

I have faith that this pain, this suffering my Father, my Lord, my God, my Abba, my Daddy...I have faith that this isn't in vain, that I am not suffering and will die alone. Even in my darkest moments where I have cursed You, You have drawn closer to me.

Divine madman.
You are.
But so wonderful.
So frightening, so powerful...but such Love.