New Year Soon

So close to a new year.

Will the change even matter?

I hope something does.

I have everything and nothing to say.

I think it may be the tears that I hate the most. 

Time and Nights

Time keeps progressing so much faster.

Sands twirling and falling,

being stirred by the unseen winds.

A chill.

Dark is coming.

Silence falling so absolute.

Hope remains.

But how long shall this frail body?

I've seen enough to see the signs

and know the Reackoning 

is near

oh so very Near.

Goodnight.

Thoughts for the Day

Life seems to increase in weird and strange by the day.

Balance is so...hard.

I know ideas of what healthy is, could and should be...but why, what and how?

Seeing what is good and becoming better is harder by the breath.

What mattered.... And what matters are two different world but I do know they are real.

I'm not sure about what thoughts and emotions are real but I do know matter itself is.

And if i am able to think myself into a hole that means I can climb out of it and find my way to a healthy place.

So in short...screw you fake reality!

I reject you and shall substitute my own.

Albeit more realistic and healthy.

Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Merry Christmas

Not muh ican really say except that.

Merry Christmas.

So this is Christmas...

Hope of Hope

One day there will be healing.

Blessed and beautiful days of grace.

As night rises,

so shall it fall

and hope shall burn.

I have naught but this need,

improbable and impossible hope

that there is more.

Night is empty

and so very cold.

But there is hope

of life and warmth.

So close to Christmas.

So tired.

Cold rage.

Need rest.

You are my Nightmare

Time will persist,

moment agonizing moment

as each grain of sand

marks a passage.

Black burns 

fading into white

as every moment reminds.

Lilies and lilacs 

blossom

becoming such sweet lies,

hiding behind smiles

becoming 

your grotesque sins.

Smiles and stares

dripping sweet venom,

leaving never healing wounds.

Your smile is necrotic

burrowing into my soul

and I love you

for very wound

fueling my self hatred.

Blank pages

ink faded,

broken promises

written with our blood.

Promises and oaths 

barely coherent lies.

The broken shell of what was

and reminders of what could have been.

Solace in knowing

you aren't worth the effort

it takes to rhyme

and create cohesive structure.

Broken Sense of Freedom

I realize I have been wrong to expect anything from someone so emotionally immature and incapable of adult like communication. The easy thing would be to say there is no point...oh but that is such a lie.

There is a point.

So vivid and clear.

Painted with pain.

It's a masterpiece that will not be finished until I take my last breath.

Just know I am done wasting effort and energy and breath.

If I was going to spend energy it would just be negative and pointless wastes of be and being.

So I can breath and smile at death.

And After All, Chaos

Words continue to fail me non-stop.

Even if I knew what to say and when to say it, I am not sure I could even go through with speaking.

I think a safe number much prefer my lies to the truth.

Though majority is mostly inconsequential.

What does life look like?

Beyond this charade?

Lip synching nonsense?

What does it feel like to have things matter?

To not just feel everything deeply at once but to be able to differentiate between them all and pick to feel good?

I wish I could simply embrace the good and let of ill.

Maybe it is as easy as some claim.

Or there is some fundamental flaw inside of me that makes it dificult for somethings to make sense at all.

I suppose some things are better left as dreams. 

So. 

You know I really did want to be a doctor and professor of theology.

Guess it's an obvious understatement that that dream is fucked and blown to hell.

It's taking everything to hold together before this happened...God has his hands on me because That is the only way I can begin to grasp that I am alive when I should be dead.

Maybe this means...something...

Drama and Pain

The worst thing about being so screwed up mentally are the moments of clarity where I try to get help and can see how utterly horrifying and terrible things are.

Things must change soon or I will be so numb and dead that there will be no hope... And it will be sooner rather than later. 

So much self destruction over someone who doesn't give a royal damn if I live or die.

I'm so so so tired.

Is this battle even worth fighting?

Dull Flickering Light

I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.

The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.

Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.

She was not real.

None of it seems to have been.

And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.

I was not played.

There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.

Now the trick is remembering how to live.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Another  rheumatologist appointment and some hope i can be diagnoised with something more specific than "ouch, I am in severe pain and would like to not be in so muh pain."

Time to Hope

If I have nothing more than anything it must be hope.

It is what will keep me alive if anything will.

This nightmare seems to have no end and the bleakness seems more real than anything else.

I need to hope but I am so unsure and not sure of why I live and try.

Death is so much easier but I do feel a need to live and see how things resolve. 

To clarify I hate relationships and the falseness inherit...and the people they are with,

I hate people.

PSA

Letting go of you hurts so bad I feel like I may die.

Considering I almost died and you were more concerned about YOU...fuck you.

If this pain means I am never weak enough to be deluded into thinking I need a horrible person like you around...any pain is worth being rid of you.

Belonging

To say I don't fit in is anunder statement. Far as back as I can recall I have been this...thing.

Cannot call it living or dead...just some barely hanging on and broken garbadge.

Is it true?

I suppose it doesn't matter because if you tell a person something, anything really, for a long enough then they believe it.

Post Scripts in the Breeze

Far from being back open for business I just felt a need to post that, for the time being at least, I am still alive.

Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?  

It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...

And I still live.

If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.

A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from  making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.

I cannot decide how this will end yet.

If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.

I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live. 

I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.

I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?

I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.

I know Truth.

It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but  a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.

One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.

There are a number of people who care.

Some who will even read this.

I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.

Beep.

Beep.

Beeeeeeeep.

"October" - U2

Lost Moments in the Hereafter

Time and time again.
Circles turning,
clock churning
and ticking
moment by moment
fading.

Breath by breath
the second hand passes
and we wait.
Time by time
inching closer to death
we all wait
hoping for that which never changes.

Soul Full of Strange

Wow.
Life is just...so, so strange.
So excessively weird.
Extraordinary strange.
Over the moon.
Barking mad.
Mental.
Insane.

This growing by numbers at a day is so slow and yet so fast at the same time.
If one does not pay close attention everything slips through like sand through fingers.
Is this life?
Is this moment life?
This passing and fleeting second?
Life?
Sincerely and seriously?

 Moving so slow.
In location change, in health, in school, in work and life.
Breathing pains.
What am I willing to give up so I can be free?
What am I willing to embrace so I can be free?
What pains?
What joys?
What burdens must I burn?
What plastic hopes need I trash?

Life...is strange.

Hrmm

Well that was a long time to have a broken laptop and no real way to post.

Hi world.

Oh goody.

On Birthdays

So I survived another year.

Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven?

What an odd number.

That's seven numbers higher than I can safely count on my digits.

What am I supposed to use?

Dice?

An abacus?

Twenty-seven years.

That's a lot of days.

A huge number of hours.

A stupid amount of minutes.

I'm not even sure if the number of seconds can actually be that long but geez.

I'm still here.

Struggles with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health...and I am still here.

Battered, graying hair, confused about where the bruise on my shin came from and wondering how life came to be so beautiful while I was busy being so worried, so lost in deep thought.

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be now it would have not have involved the word "Saraland" or the fact this place has become an unexpected second home involving a host of strange characters of whom I am not entirely sure of which are real and which are merely figments of my far too over active imagination.

Of course I tease.

I am fully aware of who is and who is not a highly interactive hallucination; it's just infinitely more fun to put on a show for the crowd.

And so time passes on just as it has for as long as it has and will continue to do so until matter itself finds a good stopping point.

Beauty, horror, love, hate, rain, sunshine, perfection, sin, creativity, dullness and the record player will keep playing music for as long as God finds a need to keep this utterly bizarre human condition going.

All I can do is observe from my front row seats as time flows by second by second and I wonder at what will happen next.

Life is a bit like the weather in Alabama; if you don't like it wait about five minutes and it will change. Conversely, you can always cross the road to get out of the rain; unless of course you are like me and feel alive when the rain is falling from the heavens, droplets pressing against your skin and  setting your soul on fire with the whispers of God's promises of Love and Grace.

"Time" - Pink Floyd

Ticking away the moments that make up a dull day
You fritter and waste the hours in an offhand way.
Kicking around on a piece of ground in your home town
Waiting for someone or something to show you the way.

Tired of lying in the sunshine staying home to watch the rain.
You are young and life is long and there is time to kill today.
And then one day you find ten years have got behind you.
No one told you when to run, you missed the starting gun.

So you run and you run to catch up with the sun but it's sinking
Racing around to come up behind you again.
The sun is the same in a relative way but you're older,
Shorter of breath and one day closer to death.

Every year is getting shorter never seem to find the time.
Plans that either come to naught or half a page of scribbled lines
Hanging on in quiet desperation is the English way
The time is gone, the song is over,
Thought I'd something more to say.

And so the night goes on...

In ways it feels like I missed my birthday.
Certainly sleeping fifteen hours on that day doesn't help.
I was running a fever yet  again.

I am still occasionally having a fever but thankfully my throat is cleared out and I can more or less breath and talk without excruciating pain.

Instead I'm staring at a white screen and typing in symbols instead of staring at the ceiling.

I'm listening to Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" for the third time today.

That album has really grown on me.

Time is passing by.

I feel such a need to withdraw.

And at the same time this need to engage.

Two warring factions within myself.

Back and forth, back and forth.

Sleep.
Need sleep.
Please sleep?

Fine.
No sleep.

Ack.
Pain.

Stupid body.

Must...find...sleep...

A Life of Arrested Development

I suppose one might call my life one of arrested development.
I'm about to leave my mid twenties and be in my late twenties.
Yet I am afraid.
Deeply afraid.
Terrified.
Such palatable pain and fear.
To such a point I often do not know what to do.
So I hurt.
Deeply.
And react.
So I hide.
I fight to break free.
For what?
Illness.
Pain.
Sickness.

Does this make sense?
Did I choose such a path?
Was I given a choice?

And yet here I am.

Uncertain.
Afraid.
Longing.
Lost.
Needing.
Hoping.
Praying.
Feeling.
Believing.

Do you see the sun rise?
Such pale distant piercings of faint light?

Some call my God a dream.
Falsehoods built over fears.
Yet Love won me.
Divine Lover wooing me with passion.
Washing me with Love and Grace.
Impossible concepts.
Impossible ideas.
Things I could never grasp.

But arrested and stunted in emotional growth I might be in,
I still hope.
Hope.
Love.
Need.
Give.

From here.
To you.
From me.

Hmm.

Last day of June.

Year has flown by.

Hmm.

Distance in Thoughts

Riding these thoughts like waves...I'm here.
Am I going through life or just falling through time and managing to hit every step along the way?

The more I think the harder it is to write.
The thoughts become a whirlwind.
I lose my step.
The sand becomes swept into a vortex of endless possibilities.

I see but I am blind.
I hear but I am deaf.
I touch but I cannot feel.
I am alive but I am not here.

Distance becomes reality as I exist.
Time flows.
The age unwinds as planets spiral around stars spinning.

To the future.
No more regrets.
No more tears.
A brave step forward.
To the unknown.
And to the impossible becoming possible.

Hi.

Another Late Night Musing

Seemingly the worse I feel the more productive I become.

It's not as if I have this sudden foreboding dread that I will die and leave so much unfinished (I'm planning on leaving a massive inbox of things to take care of after said death anyway) but perhaps it is this need to keep my mind occupied.

Pain, be it physical or mental, is persistent. 

It occupies.

It drains.

So just a little bit can sometimes be made better by working, being creative, finding something...someplace....somewhere to find simple joys.

Twelve hours at the gameshop, with a mixture of tournament Magic play, running the counter and sorting.

I'm not sure what 'average' people do on their weekends but it's not at a gameshop and I feel sad for them. Especially for that Christian minority who refuse to frequent anyplace that is 'un-christian'...which is a silly notion in and of itself.

...digressing.

Point being, there is therapy and relief in finding somewhere besides this room I live in and my mind which can become a prison in and of itself. I've spent hundreds of hours sick and stuck both in this bed and inside of my mind.

The more I find reasons to go out, to meet people, to see people, to help  people and love them...the less reasons I find to just stay here and victimize myself further with isolation.

Strange how illness repeats.

But...as the song does say "hope still flies"

The longing.
The loneliness.
The sense of loss.

I think those are the things which hurt the most.

Great Frustration

Yeah I’m stressed out.

Nothing new there I suppose.

…it’s a bit irritating when 2/3rds of your best friends are out of their respective countries on trips and are unable to talk.

And other 1/3rd is uncertain what to say mixed with very busy.

And…I’m also in alot of pain.

Oh well…

An ever increasing annoying thing is the thing…which is the thing…and the other thing…

Knowing what you want.

Knowing what you need.

But feeling as though vocalizing it negates the point of people even doing anything… presumably if they know and love me they know what I need.

Despite their lack of psychic abilities.

So another doctor visit later today, more sedation and endoscopic procedures to make sure I'm not slowly rotting from the inside out from cancer or something.

Hooray.

Some progress on thesis...must register for summer classes...navigate new stuff at school...become world renown philosopher, teacher and Magic player so I can repay student loans and pay to have a complete body replacement...yay goals...

Sensory Deprivation

Images floating by on your screen
inside
outside
images passing by in hazey dim.

It there anything to be understood
when the night passes
but time just skips the dawn
passes the day
and brings things around to evening?

A fall.
Silent screams.
The detachment required to function
is elusive
finding nothing in something
as we sit here watching.

Nothing simple.
Nothing clean.
Numbness.
Checking out,
it all becomes a blood soaked fight to the death.

All or nothing.
Enforced hope.
Head to the ground.
Wounded and cut to the quick of the soul.
Blood feeding the ground
as souls stand about in whisper,
just lost and forgotten

Either caring or not caring.
There is no middle ground.
Killing my emotions dead.
Huh.
Doesn't seem as far fetched or crazy as it might have a year ago.
Almost a year ago today even.

It is frighteningly painful how fast time goes.

Sunday Evening

Should I give a damn about the lack of effort exerted?
It should cause pain.
Distress.
Discomfort.

...and yet...nothing.

Void.

Null.

Not even apathy...a concentrated effort for nothing.

Eventually the emotion will come swirling back.

An explosion.

But for now...

 "Nothing can stop me now
cause I don't care anymore"

It's a wee bit depressing when the people you are supposed to love are the ones to whom it is easiest to lie.

It does seem that sometimes...loneliness...and isolation are the answers.

Extended Post Scripts

Sometimes it feels every step forward is several back.
Meeting someone I haven't seen in eight years was bizarre.
Just a happenstance meeting in the library.
Invitation to Church tomorrow.

What does it matter...if it matters...at mattering?

Like getting a key to the new store finally.
About a month after we open.
Maybe I can get some extra work in.
Maybe I will be crushed under the weight of my thesis.
Or my health finally gives out via heart failure, cancer or mental illness.

Maybe.
Something.
Everything.
Possibly.

It is so easy to live in hesitation.
That moment of not knowing.
Paralyzed for decades.

Wavering back and forth.
Misery to misery.
Ashes to the dust we become.

Even if you read this...very sentence,
would you know this was about you?
Or just think it was for someone else?

Somethings change.
Everything ends.

You made your decisions.
And so did I.
It seems that now,
we must understand why. 

Must be a strange thing to believe in love.

Hope is hope.
Right?

Last One for the Night

Tired of being tired.
So tired.
Yet again.
Words.
Less words.
More words.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.

It's not what you are looking for
but maybe it will find you.

Things are getting better.
And not even a touch of sardonic thought to add.
Just tired and such.
Here we go.

It's amazing how almost dying can put life in perspective.
What you love.
What you care about.
What you treasure.

Or in my case how I have none of the above.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

The plus side of self awareness, is that deep down...I know how incredibly horrible of a person I am and somehow manage to get away with it.

I wish

I wish...for so many impossible and irrational things.
So much hope and so many lite.
more, time and whatever...I'm sorry for not doing more..

Wishes in Pale Sunrise

I wish I could cry.
Let go.
Feel again.
Let the pain rush pass
and slip through my lips.

I wish I could cry.
Feel more.
Pain again.

But it doesn't matter.
The ones who would listen are gone.
It's a blank wall.

Scribbles on a page.
Passing by.
Day again.
Day again.
Another second.
One more labored breath.

Such meanignless phrases.
Time.
Love.
Loss.
Hope.
Doesn't make any sense.

Goodbye.
Goodbye.

Irksome

You know what is irritating?
Feeling attempts at being manipulated.
I'm not an idiot.
On the rare occasion I can put two and two together.

Oh well.

Such is life, right friend?

Jobs

Oh such a waste of breath.
Hate.
Anger.
Swear words.

My time is better spent sleeping
than planning nanny
to this host of fools.

I miss being excited.
Living life in anticipation.
Having conversations that stimulated and drove me to want to be the change I wanted to see in the world.

However, as of late, there has been months of pervading melancholy. 

I am sleeping in a more healthy and productive manner, eating better, taking vitamins and bothering to exercise in all senses...but there is still this pervading hole.

Sigh.

More Medical Fun

So my chiropractor is really concerned about my migraines, neck pain, vision issues and is wanting me to see a neurologist for a MRI and CT scan.

That is terrifying in the least.

"Hurt" - Nine Inch Nails

Yeah.
Another day.
More work.
More being tired.
Yeah.

Life continues...

Psalm 25

"Turn to me and have mercy,
    for I am alone and in deep distress. 
 My problems go from bad to worse.
    Oh, save me from them all! 
 Feel my pain and see my trouble.
    Forgive all my sins."
-Psalm 25:16-18

So much trouble.
So much pain.
Time rushes and falls.

Yet again here I am.
My life falls like grains of sand
trapped in Your hourglass. 

Remember me now and as the grains fall.
Soon everything will have passed
except for the eternal.

Wash me of my broken sins, the failures I hide from everyone and even attempt to hide from you. Please renew your Spirit within me...give me grace because I cannot handle this on my own.

I'm too tired.
Too broken.
Too confused.
In too much pain.

But I need You.
I love You alone.
You, You are everything.
My everything.
Now and forever.

Help me.
Help me.
Help me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.

Realizing I was having dreams woke me up from sleep.
That is a bit ironic...

Quote of the Day:

"It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live, remember that."
-Albus Dumbledore

"There Must Be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

"There Must be Something in the Wind" - Blindside

There must be something in the wind
That wants me to die
To leave all this behind
To let go of these chains
And let them fall
It's like I've always known you and
Still don't know who you are

And I can hear the thunder roaring
From a distance
And it's me on the shoreline
Slowly but surely
You're moving closer
And you're pushing the water
Yea you're pushing the water
Please come wash over me

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache
That's creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

Oh, the sky is electric tonight
My savior from myself
Is on the move
My long lost love
My redeemer
Come and remind me

The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have

I'm waiting for you

Open Window, Fresh Breeze

The sun hovered just beyond the horizon this morning, hiding behind endless layers of clouds. The light has not been too bright and the early morning hours never really got beyond hues of blueish gray.

You can smell the city on the breeze.

A bizarre mixture of fast food, oil, smog and pollen.

The sound is just as mixed with the calls of birds, reeving of motors and the occasional cries of a person or cat.

I wish it was possible to make sense of what is going on inside of me...as I can with what is going on outside the window.

There are proper nouns, objects, places, people and things...and inside of me there is this raging sea full of so many insufficient metaphors which seem to make less sense as the days go by.

Is this normal?

Surely I'm not the only one to question the reality of the world.
How we can be created to feel so much good and bad...and how a good God does Love.
It's far more painful to be Loved than ignored, hated or rejected.
Love drives in between the scales of armor and pierces the heart like nothing else can hope to ever do.

If you ever want to destroy someone totally, do not use hate.
Use love.
It rips apart the fabric of their very being and in its place...something new grows.

And this raging sea persists.
Tides rise and fall.
Cycles begin, end and than continue.
Day in and day out.
Hours and seconds tick away.
Those ticks become a black mark on the calendar by my door.

This madness we call life.
We live, we live and we live.
Every second with static and noise that only sometimes makes sense and in those miraculous moments somehow life happens in all of its imperfectly beautiful ways.