Of Shadows and Reality

 Even after being told I am forgiven and loved... how do I move forward?

I want to beat myself senseless, do something to cause harm, do something that would damage... but that wouldn't make her better...

 Maturity is accepting the things we can change and the things we cannot change. I cannot change the past, I can take back actions that have caused pain and destruction. What I can change is how I move forward, to show respect, to stop running from reality, and to grow up.

"Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows"

-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Moving forward means stepping into the pain of Reality. A Reality that I am still unsure of but is more real than the lies I told myself and told the world.

Each step is painful and I do deserve pain... but it's not pain of berating myself up but the pain of moving from shadow to reality.  

Thoughts for the Day

Life seems to increase in weird and strange by the day.

Balance is so...hard.

I know ideas of what healthy is, could and should be...but why, what and how?

Seeing what is good and becoming better is harder by the breath.

What mattered.... And what matters are two different world but I do know they are real.

I'm not sure about what thoughts and emotions are real but I do know matter itself is.

And if i am able to think myself into a hole that means I can climb out of it and find my way to a healthy place.

So in short...screw you fake reality!

I reject you and shall substitute my own.

Albeit more realistic and healthy.