Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?
It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...
And I still live.
If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.
A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.
I cannot decide how this will end yet.
If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.
I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live.
I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.
I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?
I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.
I know Truth.
It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.
One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.
There are a number of people who care.
Some who will even read this.
I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.
