Rumors of Another World

Despite my body's best effort, I am someone still alive.

I wonder how you are.

I wonder if you are okay.

I wonder how often you smile at the everyday.

Of course, I wonder if you ever think of me.

Are there any good or happy thoughts?

Or is it just the worst parts of me?

Regardless, I wish you nothing but love and peace. You deserve only to be happy and to find daily joy.

Maybe, just maybe, I'll stop beating myself up.

But in reality, I doubt it can ever be that easy.

Stars and Light

Oh

To see such a sea,

endless waves

an oceans of stars

burning so bright.

How i wish you could see

that we could join hands.

But alas,

some things

are not meant to be.

Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Dull Flickering Light

I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.

The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.

Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.

She was not real.

None of it seems to have been.

And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.

I was not played.

There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.

Now the trick is remembering how to live.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

PSA

Letting go of you hurts so bad I feel like I may die.

Considering I almost died and you were more concerned about YOU...fuck you.

If this pain means I am never weak enough to be deluded into thinking I need a horrible person like you around...any pain is worth being rid of you.

On Birthdays

So I survived another year.

Twenty-seven.

Twenty-seven?

What an odd number.

That's seven numbers higher than I can safely count on my digits.

What am I supposed to use?

Dice?

An abacus?

Twenty-seven years.

That's a lot of days.

A huge number of hours.

A stupid amount of minutes.

I'm not even sure if the number of seconds can actually be that long but geez.

I'm still here.

Struggles with physical, mental, emotional and spiritual health...and I am still here.

Battered, graying hair, confused about where the bruise on my shin came from and wondering how life came to be so beautiful while I was busy being so worried, so lost in deep thought.

If you would have asked me ten years ago where I would be now it would have not have involved the word "Saraland" or the fact this place has become an unexpected second home involving a host of strange characters of whom I am not entirely sure of which are real and which are merely figments of my far too over active imagination.

Of course I tease.

I am fully aware of who is and who is not a highly interactive hallucination; it's just infinitely more fun to put on a show for the crowd.

And so time passes on just as it has for as long as it has and will continue to do so until matter itself finds a good stopping point.

Beauty, horror, love, hate, rain, sunshine, perfection, sin, creativity, dullness and the record player will keep playing music for as long as God finds a need to keep this utterly bizarre human condition going.

All I can do is observe from my front row seats as time flows by second by second and I wonder at what will happen next.

Life is a bit like the weather in Alabama; if you don't like it wait about five minutes and it will change. Conversely, you can always cross the road to get out of the rain; unless of course you are like me and feel alive when the rain is falling from the heavens, droplets pressing against your skin and  setting your soul on fire with the whispers of God's promises of Love and Grace.

Great Frustration

Yeah I’m stressed out.

Nothing new there I suppose.

…it’s a bit irritating when 2/3rds of your best friends are out of their respective countries on trips and are unable to talk.

And other 1/3rd is uncertain what to say mixed with very busy.

And…I’m also in alot of pain.

Oh well…

An ever increasing annoying thing is the thing…which is the thing…and the other thing…

Knowing what you want.

Knowing what you need.

But feeling as though vocalizing it negates the point of people even doing anything… presumably if they know and love me they know what I need.

Despite their lack of psychic abilities.

Open Window, Fresh Breeze

The sun hovered just beyond the horizon this morning, hiding behind endless layers of clouds. The light has not been too bright and the early morning hours never really got beyond hues of blueish gray.

You can smell the city on the breeze.

A bizarre mixture of fast food, oil, smog and pollen.

The sound is just as mixed with the calls of birds, reeving of motors and the occasional cries of a person or cat.

I wish it was possible to make sense of what is going on inside of me...as I can with what is going on outside the window.

There are proper nouns, objects, places, people and things...and inside of me there is this raging sea full of so many insufficient metaphors which seem to make less sense as the days go by.

Is this normal?

Surely I'm not the only one to question the reality of the world.
How we can be created to feel so much good and bad...and how a good God does Love.
It's far more painful to be Loved than ignored, hated or rejected.
Love drives in between the scales of armor and pierces the heart like nothing else can hope to ever do.

If you ever want to destroy someone totally, do not use hate.
Use love.
It rips apart the fabric of their very being and in its place...something new grows.

And this raging sea persists.
Tides rise and fall.
Cycles begin, end and than continue.
Day in and day out.
Hours and seconds tick away.
Those ticks become a black mark on the calendar by my door.

This madness we call life.
We live, we live and we live.
Every second with static and noise that only sometimes makes sense and in those miraculous moments somehow life happens in all of its imperfectly beautiful ways. 

On Depression

Perhaps the worst part, certainly the most annoying, aspect of depression and anxiety is this feeling of suffocation and fear.

It is all irrational.

There is very little basis for any of it.

And yet...the struggle is so hard.

It matches the physical pain of the fibromyalgia in terms of stress.

It's like having a weight on my soul while my spine is alight from pain.

This is frustrating beyond belief.
But I also choose to believe there is Hope.
Hope that I did not merely choose but chose me as well.
Hope to carry on.
Hope for strength.
Hope for Love.

Even while I feel like this bed has become a prison cell and that no one hears me...there is hope that someone, somewhere can read this and relate...and know they are not alone.

None of us are truly alone.
We may not get what we want out of life.
Things rarely go according to plan.
But at least Love still flies.

The more time I spend around these...humans...the less certain I am about what hypocrisy is...and I dare say I feel like I DO need to love myself...

Quote of the Day:

"Love is not fantasy. Love is real, and true love is forever. True love comes without condition. It comes with sacrifice and selflessness. It comes in the form of freedom. I have felt it. I still feel it burning inside me like a raging fire that will not be contained. It sweeps over barren landscapes and devours the bleak darkness and the empty sorrow. It washes over pain and hopelessness until nothing remains but these: Faith, Hope, and Love… but the greatest of these is love.“

—	"The Spinal Cord Perception" by Joshua S. Porter

Sort of weird to care so much but there be so little evidence or results.
And not even comments on stupid death inviting things.
Weird.

This is why I don't make idle self harm threats.
Or try to hurt me.
I hurt enough without effort.

"Nothing can stop me now because I don't care anymore"

Proverbs 24

"Rescue those who are unjustly sentenced to die;
    save them as they stagger to their death. 
 Don’t excuse yourself by saying, “Look, we didn’t know.”
    For God understands all hearts, and he sees you.
He who guards your soul knows you knew.
    He will repay all people as their actions deserve."
-Proverbs 24:11-12


 I want to be more than political and "pro-life" because I feel that is not enough.
Is my theology wrong in that I feel You are calling me to say no to all means of ending life?
More than abortion but war, executions and violence?
Is that why I'm studying about pacifism?

This feels so big.
So scary.
So uncertain.

It doesn't help this migraine will not go away.
I am hurting all over.

My soul feels lonely but then...lately it's like I feel you blessing and washing over me with Your Spirit, touching me and...maybe pulling down these walls?

I do not know.
Is it safe to say that?

I do not want to fight a battle.
I just want to lay in Your arms so I can heal.
But I know a battle is coming.
I feel it is in my soul and in my bones.

The years have been coming to this point, and I will have to make a choice.
It feels that way.
Help me understand.
Give me wisdom to show Your Love to this world.

"We're in this Together Now" - Nine Inch Nails

Psalms 134

"Praise the Lord, all you servants of the Lord
who minister by night in the house of the Lord."
-Psalm 134:1

Yahweh, Abba, Daddy, Father, Lover...oh I need You.
This night is so dark, the pain is so vivid and driving me crazy.
Please help me.
Please.

Light my way.
Help me to see.
Not to be obsessed with myself or others but to show love, grace and compassion no matter my walk in life, no matter where I go or what I see and do.
Please help me to learn to be responsible.
Thank You Daddy.
I need You.

"The First Time" - U2

Broken Beauty

Pain.
Lot's of pain.
Multi day migraine and fibro flare up.
Pain.
Confusion.

Beauty remains even when we forget about it.
Grace prevails.
Grace carries.
Heal.
Redeems.
Life to these dead and dying bones.
Beauty beyond comprehension.

Abba, Adonai, Avinu.
Lover.
Life giving beauty.
Grace beyond Grace.
Day after day.
Thank You.

"The First Time" - U2