Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Quote of the Day

“I had a professor one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'.”
-Rich Mullins 

Another Day, Another Breath and Another Step

The funny thing about telling people "there is hope", "don't give up" and "there is a reason to live" is that when I start to hurt or despair...I have to live with what I have said and carry it.

Partly it is obligation and partly because I have to keep living.
I have had no choice or say in the matter.
I should be dead.
And yet I live.

Breath is in my lungs.
My heart still beats.
And the neurons are still firing in my brain.

This pain in my soul, body and mind will not destroy me.
It will hurt.
It will knock me down.
But I will stand again.
I will be pulled back to my feet.
When my body gives out I trust I will fall into the arms of One waiting.

But there are no easy answers or solutions to life problems.
And no easy escape.
For better or worse I'm stuck on this linear course.
And I aim to do what I can.
Show as much love and compassion and see what happens.