Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Faith Stranger Than Fiction

Waves beat across the shore,
birds are crying
and we're holding back tears.
Seeing your dreams dashed to pieces
sending this mournful aching
through my chest,
hearts filled with this fear.

Messiah born in Bethlehem,
wearing thorns
and splinters in Your skin,
this blood You spilled
with all my sins that you bore,
what foolishness is this?
In all of this,
my shame is all I have,
this life profane
and this is how grace will begin?

This foolishness saving my life
burning in my soul,
a fire to my bones
as I lay in wait,
on this shore of broken dreams
naught that I can own,
just this regret
and a scream,
a need to be redeemed.