"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you
Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes"
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Psalm 60
"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless."
-Psalm 60:10-11
What are humans?
What help is our broken race?
Every breath is labored and it seems we are all merely a step away from utter destruction.
There is so much beauty in this life, despite the pain.
Despite all the pain I cause.
How can I be so...
Do you know the words I dare not whisper in the night?
Why?
This nature makes no sense.
Everything comes and goes...changes so quickly...
But thank you for life.
I worry I am walking alone and You come to me and whisper love and carry me in my intense pain.
With all the aches in my soul and body...the failings of heart and life...You have been so faithful, You have loved me...how can I ever say anything but I love You?
Even though I have never truly loved you...I want to...I want to learn how...teach me, keep me near...please do not leave me to my sin...but wash me, renew me and give me wings to fly again.
Give me hope and strength so that I may proclaim Your love by my life.
For You.
For You alone.
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless."
-Psalm 60:10-11
What are humans?
What help is our broken race?
Every breath is labored and it seems we are all merely a step away from utter destruction.
There is so much beauty in this life, despite the pain.
Despite all the pain I cause.
How can I be so...
Do you know the words I dare not whisper in the night?
Why?
This nature makes no sense.
Everything comes and goes...changes so quickly...
But thank you for life.
I worry I am walking alone and You come to me and whisper love and carry me in my intense pain.
With all the aches in my soul and body...the failings of heart and life...You have been so faithful, You have loved me...how can I ever say anything but I love You?
Even though I have never truly loved you...I want to...I want to learn how...teach me, keep me near...please do not leave me to my sin...but wash me, renew me and give me wings to fly again.
Give me hope and strength so that I may proclaim Your love by my life.
For You.
For You alone.
What a nice and fun day...glad to just...see friends, get some work done...get away from a lot of the stress...despite the fact I'm putting myself in a bit more.
I mean...there is...
Sometimes it may just be better to say nothing.
Biting my tongue is not a talent I have...but I think I have screwed up enough lives in recent memory...that it may be best to retreat for a while...pray, gather my thoughts...and hope solitude isn't where I will spend the rest of my life...
I mean...there is...
Sometimes it may just be better to say nothing.
Biting my tongue is not a talent I have...but I think I have screwed up enough lives in recent memory...that it may be best to retreat for a while...pray, gather my thoughts...and hope solitude isn't where I will spend the rest of my life...
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Mysticism keeps men sane. As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity...the whole secret of mysticism is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand. The morbid logician seeks to make everything lucid, and succeeds in making everything mysterious. The mystic allows one thing to be mysterious, and everything else becomes lucid."
-G. K. Chesterton
-G. K. Chesterton
Psalm 40
I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.
Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.
You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”
I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.
Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.
Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”
But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.
Meanderings through Miry Clay
I only like to pretend it is easy to mistake Your voice for something I want.
I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.
Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?
Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?
I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...
The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.
The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...
...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.
The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.
I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.
Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?
Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?
I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...
The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.
The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...
...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.
The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.
Matthew 18:1-9
"About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?”
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.
“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.
"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."
Psalm 59
"You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,
for you, O God, are my fortress.
In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
-Psalm 59:9-10
I have no strength right now.
I am so weak.
I feel so tired.
I just am exhausted.
I ache.
Do you understand?
Do you feel the pain I am talking about?
Do you know how I feel right now?
As though I am caught in between two worlds...not truly on earth or in eternity...but this incredibly painful mishmash of the two.
I am so tired of hurting...of disappointments, of pain, of feeling so weak and empty and just...burned out beyond understanding.
So dry.
So empty.
I can't breath...I feel so far, far, far from You or from understanding.
You are supposed to be my strength...yet You feel so far away right now...as if You were nothing but mere wisps on the furthermost reaches of my mind.
But I have hope this will not last forever...I long so desperately for You...You are my life and my Love...and never shall we parted...so soon...oh so soon...
for you, O God, are my fortress.
In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
-Psalm 59:9-10
I have no strength right now.
I am so weak.
I feel so tired.
I just am exhausted.
I ache.
Do you understand?
Do you feel the pain I am talking about?
Do you know how I feel right now?
As though I am caught in between two worlds...not truly on earth or in eternity...but this incredibly painful mishmash of the two.
I am so tired of hurting...of disappointments, of pain, of feeling so weak and empty and just...burned out beyond understanding.
So dry.
So empty.
I can't breath...I feel so far, far, far from You or from understanding.
You are supposed to be my strength...yet You feel so far away right now...as if You were nothing but mere wisps on the furthermost reaches of my mind.
But I have hope this will not last forever...I long so desperately for You...You are my life and my Love...and never shall we parted...so soon...oh so soon...
Monday, June 28, 2010
Sunday, June 27, 2010
Saturday, June 26, 2010
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
Everything that was and will Never be
Hope.
Hope.
Hope.
God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.
Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.
I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.
Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.
Hope.
Hope.
God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.
Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.
I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.
Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.
Spiraling Out of Control
Seeing life as I see
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.
It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.
Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.
Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.
What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.
It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.
What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.
I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.
This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.
It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.
Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.
Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.
What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.
It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.
What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.
I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.
This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.
Quote of the Day:
"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Psalm 53
"Only fools say in their hearts,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1
I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.
It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.
I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...
But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.
This...none of this...is right.
Help me start...anew.
Please.
With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1
I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.
It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.
I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...
But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.
This...none of this...is right.
Help me start...anew.
Please.
With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Monday, June 21, 2010
Psalm 50
"Our God approaches,
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6
Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...
Such utter madness.
And for what end?
You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.
I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.
and he is not silent.
Fire devours everything in his way,
and a great storm rages around him.
He calls on the heavens above and earth below
to witness the judgment of his people.
“Bring my faithful people to me—
those who made a covenant with me by giving sacrifices.”
Then let the heavens proclaim his justice,
for God himself will be the judge."
-Psalm 50:3-6
Foot in my mouth, I can't help but screw up and keep walking into the flames thinking I am doing something good when in fact I think the real reason I persist...the hole in my heart which refuses to be closed...that knows no end of want, desire and need...
Such utter madness.
And for what end?
You are my Judge, my Only One I wish to want, to need and desire...and I fall short time and time again...yet there is no wrath or judgment as I deserve...instead there has been grace...beautiful, endless and wondrous grace that has save a wretched man such as myself.
I could never approach You...thank You for coming to me...finding me and never leaving me alone...give me grace so that I might give grace unto others. Be the One Thing about me which is good, for nothing else ever will.
Gloria Patri, et Filio, et Spiritui Sancto. Sicut erat in principio, et nunc, et semper, et in saecula saeculorum.
Amen.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Saturday, June 19, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"Christians are all wounded healers-wandering sheep who are now shepherds. We are fish who are now fishermen and fisherwomen. We are the cracked, broken and chipped bricks of the house of God that now form a cathedral-little shards of tile and glass that fit into a larger mosaic."
-Mike Sares
-Mike Sares
Psalm 49
"Yet they cannot redeem themselves from death
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9
There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.
I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.
I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.
Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...
I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.
After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?
It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.
"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me
I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"
by paying a ransom to God.
Redemption does not come so easily,
for no one can ever pay enough
to live forever
and never see the grave."
-Psalm 49:7-9
There is so much in life that I do not understand...and I am no longer sure I want to understand...there is no comfort in knowledge, no redemption or love to be found. Knowledge itself can be so dangerous...so misguiding without love.
I'm not sure I can find my way in this world...I am not even sure what it is I have been getting to angry about, fighting about, fighting for...I am just...tired of beating myself with every self-righteous reason just to find myself still apart from You.
I am tired of trying to find happiness on my own...apart from You, apart from any real meaning...I want...God I need the strength to stand and walk away from everything that isn't true.
Your Love is the only thing I can believe, the only thing I can trust in to be consistent. This beauty...this wonder...this inescapable wonder that seizes me whenever You draw near...
I need Your love and grace like I need oxygen...it brings my soul back to life...it revives these decaying bones and reminds me what it truly to live and die. I want to hunger and thirst for the righteousness found in the gospel...and to have the desire to share this love with all.
After all, what is there to life...if I am simply going to lay here and die?
Was I born to merely lay here and suffer?
Or is it possible the agony that rips through me is meant to break me so I can be reforged, refocused and brought to a higher purpose?
It is too easy to hear what I want to hear while reading Your Word...teach me truth so I may live it and carry it in my soul.
"I've grown tired of chasing
Convinced I was in need
And now the years I've spent
Only a slave to this
Tomorrow will fall
And today is already gone
I will no longer adore
These things that will never satisfy me
I have seen my world change
And then go back to where it came
In this vicious cycle
We are brought back to like
Only to die again
But without these barren obsessions
I am simply free"
Friday, June 18, 2010
I really have the urge to climb up and sit on the roof of the house despite the strong winds, torrential downpour of rain and the incredibly close bursts of lightning.
The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.
I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.
Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?
I am just me.
The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.
I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.
I want to just be me...whoever that really is.
People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.
In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.
The feeling of the storm pushing, pulling and tearing against me might snap me back to reality.
I am sick to death of what feels like this falseness coating me and those I share this trip of life with.
Am I a leper?
How about scum?
Am I the villain?
I am just me.
The voice of darkness screams out to hate myself, to destroy me, to cut into myself, to rip myself apart and die in shame.
I am sick of living in the shadows of worry of the thoughts of everyone else, thoughts that do nothing but pave the way to destruction.
I want to just be me...whoever that really is.
People do define...but they can't be the only means thereof.
In the end no one else will take care of me when the world comes crashing down.
Psalm 48
"How great is the Lord
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1
The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?
I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.
There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.
You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.
I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...
how deserving of praise,
in the city of our God,
which sits on his holy mountain!"
-Psalm 48:1
The last thing on my mind right now is how great, how wonderful and how praise worthy You are. I'm upset, I'm weak, I'm exhausted, I'm needy...is that some sort of theme?
I complain, whine, throw tantrums...I yell, get mad, pretend I know what is going on.
There are so many words thrown around while I like to pretend I am somehow profound.
You are the great equalizer...we're all on the same field when we are before You.
I am small...but want to learn to love...to trust.
I do not want to just fall into despair and the dark ocean of apathy...I want to float about this and feel what it means to be alive...and feel...and love...
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Psalm 47
"He chose the Promised Land as our inheritance,
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4
Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?
I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...
Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.
You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.
Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.
More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.
You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.
Please.
"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
the proud possession of Jacob’s descendants, whom he loves."
-Psalm 47:4
Reading through the Psalms...is sort of frustrating.
I feel even more obligated to praise You...even when I do not want to.
Is that horrible?
I just...wish I was not hurting, aching, feeling melancholy and sad over losses...
Yet...You know what YOU are doing...I have on clue as to what is going on...or what it even means to show love. I am shallow, so short sighted, so self obsessed and apathetic towards those in need of help...but You are beautiful and still making me beautiful.
You have always known my broken nature and every drop of sin permeating my soul..and yet there is love. Such endless beauty, grace that pierces this heart of stone...to say thank You feels like such an incredible understatement to One as magnificent as You.
Thank You for making me, for having a plan for my life...that this is not just a random collision of cause and effect...but that Love is the overarching theme...as painful and impossible to understand as that truly is.
More than a plot of land...You have a place for me...I want and need Your rest so very much...not just being pleased with the little drops that life gives then takes away...but the peace that comes only from Your grace.
You see the hollowness in my heart and have made me lovable...help me to show that love to You and others...I want to be faithful at the task before me. No matter the pain, the fear or how the end shall come...help me to not just endure but overcome.
Please.
"This vacant emptiness,
this hollow is eating
stabs through my side like thorns, so defeating
The glint of gold, sparks of silver, shining
the slightest breath of why we're pining
We take the crumbs like our hearts are at peace
We are far too easily pleased
Quicksilver, quicksilver
Shadows dodge and fade
something less than why we're made
I need this burning inside me
this brilliant aura, this electricity
I'm being haunted by specters of what might be
of imperfections, of nearness to beauty
As life butchers, so sweet yet so sickening
we have betrayed, for each tiny flickering"
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Late Morning Musings
Living here with John, Josh and Carrie has been one of the best decisions I have ever made...I don't sleep well, there is almost always a huge pile of dishes, there is relationship drama...but there is actual love and caring.
Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.
I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.
I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.
No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...
My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...
What a change.
Being able to pause and pray with them, having them ask if I am okay, being able to work together to clean or make shadow puppets with the power goes out...it's just the best elements of being at school...right here.
I can be a crabby person when I don't have enough 'me' time...but loosing that isn't such a bad thing...being free to love means giving up my idolatrous habits of worshiping me. I'm the one who kept going on about how Tolstoy writing about Christian communes is the most God honoring way to live...giving up life being about me is the best effort I can make.
I am ready to try and step out into the sun and walk a little...baby steps maybe...but I want to be as genuine as I can.
No more shadows...just sunlight that starts to burn away the parts of me that need to finally go...growing up means change...maybe I am just about ready to try being an adult...
My only regret is not having a Muse...and maybe never have that one...again. But once again...You know what You are doing...this isn't about what I want and need...as much as showing You are sufficient with my love and lifestyle...God what a change...
What a change.
Tuesday, June 15, 2010
Psalm 45
"Beautiful words stir my heart.
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1
I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.
I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...
I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.
I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.
Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.
You know?
I want to move forward...wherever that may be...
I will recite a lovely poem about the king,
for my tongue is like the pen of a skillful poet."
-Psalm 45:1
I really, really, really do not feel like saying anything positive or pray...or just anything really productive right now. I would much rather say or do something ridiculously stupid or angry.
I am in physical pain...I've sort of hit a threshold of being able to cope with the pain...but more so...I just am so tired and wish I could just...find a place that was quite and absent of people. I really miss having a room to myself on campus...I could see people and mostly find people if I wanted...but...I know there is so much else that is going on in the world which is horrible and my complaints are stupid...but I just wish...
I miss you.
And You.
I want to be strong...but the ironic thing is that by breaking down...giving up...admitting I cannot handle this...is the only thing I can do.
I am so tired, angry, bitter, upset, exhausted, ready to go Home and be rid of this...but I am here for a reason...I don't know why...but You are beautiful and wonderful...so beyond me.
Just help me...peel back the layers of angry bitterness...built up resentment and ultimately just...fear.
You know?
I want to move forward...wherever that may be...
Wisdom of the Day:
Matt: "Eventually life gets to a point to where it is so bad that it is not actually bad anymore."
John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."
John: "Damn you and your Freudian thoughts."
Considering how everything is going...that wasn't totally unexpected...but as callous as this sounds I have more important things to deal with at this moment.
The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.
I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.
Thanks again.
The terrible poetry will follow at some later date...for now I have research for school, for science and for my personal walk to focus on.
I have no clue where I am going...but despite how unloving, apathetic and how much of a mercenary I am...I have a God that sees something worth redeeming in me and using.
Thanks again.
Monday, June 14, 2010
Sunday, June 13, 2010
Psalm 43
"For you are God, my only safe haven.
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2
I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.
It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.
I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?
I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.
I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...
Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?
Why have you tossed me aside?
Why must I wander around in grief,
oppressed by my enemies?
Send out your light and your truth;
let them guide me.
Let them lead me to your holy mountain,
to the place where you live."
-Psalm 43:1-2
I really am at a loss for words...I am so tired of life, living here, being around myself, being around others, seeing the hurting, feeling their pain, feeling my pain, people needing me to help them, needing to help others...I just need to breath.
It's so hard to even know what to say, what to pray for, what to hope for...I just can't stand things right now...I want to love You, I want to serve You...but I don't know how...I feel like I screw everything up.
I hate going to church, I hate everything about it right now...I can't stand the music, hearing preaching of Your word...it's only recently that I actually started trying to read the Bible again...why am I so screwed up?
I hate being cynical, not trusting people, hurting others, causing people pain...I just want to run to You and hide there and never look back here again. Please lift this pain, these giant weights crushing me down...I can't carry this...I can't save others and I will never save myself...please love me even though I am so set on my ways.
I am too exhausted to walk or think...please, please...carry me.
Wipe away these tears and teach me how to love again...
Just carry me away, take me to your side and I never want to return.
I ask...and ask...but I am still here.
Please let me feel Your presence and love overflowing again...how long must I wander through this desert, this damn wilderness? How much longer will I have to wait to be delivered?
"The gate to my heart has been weld shut
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
with the splendor of my aspirations closed in
how many years have we waited
for a ship that never set sail?
And how many days have we wasted
chasing a love that was not our own?
Is this your salvation?
Is this all you can give?
I will not stand in reflection
of someone else's dream"
Saturday, June 12, 2010
"And we both stand tall on the table
You take me by the hand and I grab You by the throat
And we come crashing down through the window
On the dirt ground below
And we wrestle in the mud and the blood and the beer
Break my jaw I don’t care
Just stay with me, stay
Lock my arms I don’t want to move
Hold me still teach me how to weep
If it’s ok with You I think I’ll stay here
For a little while
Fell in love with the game
But I forgot Your name
Go ahead please find me
Cause I’m not scared
Though You stayed the same
I forgot from where I came"
You take me by the hand and I grab You by the throat
And we come crashing down through the window
On the dirt ground below
And we wrestle in the mud and the blood and the beer
Break my jaw I don’t care
Just stay with me, stay
Lock my arms I don’t want to move
Hold me still teach me how to weep
If it’s ok with You I think I’ll stay here
For a little while
Fell in love with the game
But I forgot Your name
Go ahead please find me
Cause I’m not scared
Though You stayed the same
I forgot from where I came"
Quote of the Day
"But already my desire and my will were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed, by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."
-Dante Alighieri
-Dante Alighieri
Casting Aside to Hell and Heaven
Creeping, falling thoughts
just echoing
as the distance grows.
Hellish sparks
fly from my eyes
as I am carried
just dragged
and pulled
by this intoxicating madness.
Sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Fear.
Lust.
Confusion.
I'm nothing better than an animal
a sick creatue
just begging to be put down.
God just knows how lost I really am.
What does it matter
when the only one you want to help
you only hurt
and push further
and further away?
What does one say
when it seems the rain that falls
does nothing
to cover the shame
and the growing self hate?
These words are as worthless
as every time
I ever professed caring
or love
or hope
or faith.
My faith and love
are nothing more than self serving
ramblings of a child
who has lost his way
and is plummeting
down this rabbit hole.
There is no Wonder Land,
just a Hellish nightmare
waiting for me
while I hope you,
yes
you blessed muse
are able to find solace,
the peace beyond everlasting peace.
As for I and I,
there is a short time before impact
but I must rip my soul apart
just to put it back in place.
Maybe there is some sort of hope
or it's all a delusion.
Either way
life has grown unbearably long
without thy aid.
I will walk this Inferno.
I will plumb the depths
and taste the bitterness
of every sin
and see the twisted nature
of those eternally damned.
I will walk without Virgil
and cast aside these broken weapons
which only served to damn me further.
Maybe I will find you
at the gates of Paradiso
like Dante's Beatrice,
but most likely
this is nothing more than a dream
and I will wake to the rain falling on me
as I have been laying prone in the gutter
where I left my resolve and faith.
"But already my desire and my will
were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed,
by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."
just echoing
as the distance grows.
Hellish sparks
fly from my eyes
as I am carried
just dragged
and pulled
by this intoxicating madness.
Sadness.
Anger.
Pain.
Fear.
Lust.
Confusion.
I'm nothing better than an animal
a sick creatue
just begging to be put down.
God just knows how lost I really am.
What does it matter
when the only one you want to help
you only hurt
and push further
and further away?
What does one say
when it seems the rain that falls
does nothing
to cover the shame
and the growing self hate?
These words are as worthless
as every time
I ever professed caring
or love
or hope
or faith.
My faith and love
are nothing more than self serving
ramblings of a child
who has lost his way
and is plummeting
down this rabbit hole.
There is no Wonder Land,
just a Hellish nightmare
waiting for me
while I hope you,
yes
you blessed muse
are able to find solace,
the peace beyond everlasting peace.
As for I and I,
there is a short time before impact
but I must rip my soul apart
just to put it back in place.
Maybe there is some sort of hope
or it's all a delusion.
Either way
life has grown unbearably long
without thy aid.
I will walk this Inferno.
I will plumb the depths
and taste the bitterness
of every sin
and see the twisted nature
of those eternally damned.
I will walk without Virgil
and cast aside these broken weapons
which only served to damn me further.
Maybe I will find you
at the gates of Paradiso
like Dante's Beatrice,
but most likely
this is nothing more than a dream
and I will wake to the rain falling on me
as I have been laying prone in the gutter
where I left my resolve and faith.
"But already my desire and my will
were being turned like a wheel, all at one speed,
by the Love which moves the sun and the other stars."
Friday, June 11, 2010
Psalm 41
"The Lord nurses them when they are sick
and restores them to health.
“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:3-4
and restores them to health.
“O Lord,” I prayed, “have mercy on me.
Heal me, for I have sinned against you.”"
-Psalm 41:3-4
Thursday, June 10, 2010
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
Most people can promise anything...but I think I would follow through on everything...even if you don't care to realize it...anything like that is sacrificing all...but it is easy for me to say when I have such few commitments but...truth is truth just as love will always be love.
I hope it makes sense...even though i know I rarely make sense to me...you just had the misfortune of...you know.
I hope it makes sense...even though i know I rarely make sense to me...you just had the misfortune of...you know.
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
I have trouble breathing from everything going on...to many thoughts, too much emotion and the end is all too soon in sight.
Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?
Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.
I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?
Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.
What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?
Everything and nothing.
I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.
Everything but nothing.
Yes, direct contradiction but what more do you ask for?
Yes the change is that drastic.
Everything and nothing.
I can't help but wonder why things fall this way, what freedom was this supposed to be?
Anger.
Exhaustion.
Bitterness coursing through my veins.
I can taste the bitterness of freedom without life.
What now?
What more can I ask for?
What else can I say?
Everything and nothing.
I am just hoping to last long enough to see the sun rise
and feel the freedom given by renewed life.
Psalm 38
"Because of your anger, my whole body is sick;
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9
I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.
Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.
"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"
my health is broken because of my sins.
My guilt overwhelms me—
it is a burden too heavy to bear.
My wounds fester and stink
because of my foolish sins.
I am bent over and racked with pain.
All day long I walk around filled with grief.
A raging fever burns within me,
and my health is broken.
I am exhausted and completely crushed.
My groans come from an anguished heart.
You know what I long for, Lord;
you hear my every sigh."
-Psalm 38:3-9
I know so little and am so unsure.
I just know my life is Yours.
I have known You, felt You and know You care.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful.
Beyond my cheap words.
Thank You.
Just thank You again and again.
"Don't turn deaf into my voice, but one thing I want you to know:
I have always loved you though my life has never said so
Hold me to you as I pray, Take the rest of the world away
My blood runs warm because of you, The scales fall out of my eyes
Hold me to you as I pray, Take every other thing away
My heart is breaking out for you, The scales are out of my eyes"
Faithfulness Dear Faithfulness
Why do I not take the cross more seriously?
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?
I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?
I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.
I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.
You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.
Please.
All the stupid bitter thoughts I have are nothing compared to what is true...what is any of this madness we live and die for when compared to burning all of this and finding true peace? True love in You?
I'm finding everything but what I'm truly looking for and desiring...everything but that peace, that hope, that genuine letting go and loosing myself...seriously...what is any of this worth? This flesh, this being?
I want...I need to find peace away from myself...I want to loose the need to worship this moment of being...I want to forget what it means to be intoxicated from my own lusts and the next shiny thing that grabs my heart.
I want to be faithful
I want to remember the cross.
I want the blood of Jesus that brings forgiveness to mean something in my daily life.
I don't want to beat people over the head with religious fervor but I want them to see You as the only giving life to these dead and decaying bones.
You are the reason I breath.
I want to be faithful.
More than anything else...I just want this to all burn and fall away...and leave who or whatever my true self is.
Please.
Monday, June 7, 2010
Psalm 37
"Be still in the presence of the Lord,
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7
I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.
Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.
Love me.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.
You bled and died on a cross for me and them.
I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.
I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.
Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.
and wait patiently for him to act.
Don’t worry about evil people who prosper
or fret about their wicked schemes."
-Psalm 37:7
I don't know how to be still.
My mind never shuts off.
My feet and hands shake all the time when I sit down.
I am ridiculously jittery.
I over think.
I do not know how to just be.
Why doth I, such a fleeting insect seek to steer One so immeasurable and impossible? You are so beyond me, that the merest comprehension proves impossible..and yet...You still love me.
Love me.
You are so beautiful, so wonderful...so beyond my comprehension.
Those that hurt me, wish me harm, want me dead, who think I am nothing but scum...You love them as well.
You bled and died on a cross for me and them.
I try to win useless fights while You just want me to sit under Your wings and soak in Your love and grace while You teach me what grace really is.
I just...want to love and be loved.
I want the pain in my body, soul and heart to reduce and be healed so I can love and love again and love truly.
Please...help me grow from this pain...and just...
...You know...only You know.
Nothing
Once again I find myself in a place where words have no meaning and are pointless.
I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.
Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.
Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.
Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.
I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I'm in a place where words are no longer real.
There is no rest.
None could understand except those already here...yet...
Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.
Thoughts...just...
Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.
I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.
The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?
I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?
I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.
I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.
What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.
I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.
I will wear it because I need a reminder laced with nihilistic tendencies.
Feelings?
Emotions?
No...I can't afford such things.
Just revisits of medication and pained expressions.
Is my life a lie?
I just never say what I feel.
It's all a clever self-righteous display
of discreet misdirection.
Burying as I always will.
The obnoxious thing is I would only talk to you about this kind of thing.
I don't know if I am hungry.
Am I just sick again?
Damn this useless body.
I hate it almost as much as me.
Maybe.
Maybe not.
I'm in a place where words are no longer real.
There is no rest.
None could understand except those already here...yet...
Pain reveals and lifts off the scales of pretension.
I hate what I see.
I despise everything within me.
The coward, the shadow and shade.
Mercenary, fiend and bastard child.
Thoughts...just...
Part of me speaks of inevitability
and perverse joy in being proven right.
The same sort of broken faith
as held before.
I just feel teeth cutting into my soul
and hope I can just disregard everything.
Unhealthy lies.
I just want to stop.
But there is this storm of everything to not do.
The greatest temptation is death by apathy
and allowing everything to atrophied
but this stupid faith won't let me.
The One I keep crying, praying and asking from
will not let me lay here in pain and be.
It wasn't enough my body hurts
and my soul cries out as well
but now...now what?
I don't care.
Yes the view is nice.
I appreciate You taking the time
but when it daily feels like
my body and soul are bathed with Hell,
could You please excuse me
from caring about the sunrise?
I better understand why people go to their madness
and drink it
and cast away everything for it.
I feel anger as much as just this stupid pining.
Being human is so repulsively frustrating.
What is...
Why...
Relentless questions with no answer.
No plausible notion
because it simply is.
I wish I was strong enough to just erase all this.
It brings nothing positive affront.
Just more useless meanderings
pointing in another direction
while I slip off into the night
hoping to not be followed.
Sunday, June 6, 2010
Psalm 36
"How precious is your unfailing love, O God!
All humanity finds shelter
in the shadow of your wings."
-Psalm 36:7
With all the pain, hate, anger, hurting and fear floating around this Hellish nightmare landscape...I'm sorry I forget about this love...this compassion You have for others. I don't understand but that does not excuse apathy and ignoring other people's pain because of apathy.
I never thought I would be back in Mobile or stuck here as long as I have and am going to be...yet You knew about this. You knew about me living in this house, those I would meet, the friends I would bump into last night, the conversations I would have today.
Is there a purpose and plan in this growing disaster?
I pray, I ache, my soul cries out for others and myself...and so often it feels like just...maybe...it's all in vain.
And...yet, Your love is still here...even when I want to doubt and no longer believe.
This doubt feels like it covers my skin...like a second coating of sin that tries to burrow under my flesh and slide into my soul. I feel infected with apathy and a lack of concern for the world.
I don't want to be You...but I want to feel your love and compassion and carry that to those I know and do not know. I do not need a bigger ego...just a bigger capacity for love and wanting to help others.
I need You here right now...just as badly as the others need You right now...in such a vivid and true way. Not just words or a feeling...but You like only You can do. No matter what happens I need to believe that at the end of this day Your love still remains for a faithless fiend like me...that no matter how much more pain I cause and how deep I try to dig this hole...Your love will win out over this Hell.
Teach me to truly pray.
For my words are naught more than worthless garbage.
All humanity finds shelter
in the shadow of your wings."
-Psalm 36:7
With all the pain, hate, anger, hurting and fear floating around this Hellish nightmare landscape...I'm sorry I forget about this love...this compassion You have for others. I don't understand but that does not excuse apathy and ignoring other people's pain because of apathy.
I never thought I would be back in Mobile or stuck here as long as I have and am going to be...yet You knew about this. You knew about me living in this house, those I would meet, the friends I would bump into last night, the conversations I would have today.
Is there a purpose and plan in this growing disaster?
I pray, I ache, my soul cries out for others and myself...and so often it feels like just...maybe...it's all in vain.
And...yet, Your love is still here...even when I want to doubt and no longer believe.
This doubt feels like it covers my skin...like a second coating of sin that tries to burrow under my flesh and slide into my soul. I feel infected with apathy and a lack of concern for the world.
I don't want to be You...but I want to feel your love and compassion and carry that to those I know and do not know. I do not need a bigger ego...just a bigger capacity for love and wanting to help others.
I need You here right now...just as badly as the others need You right now...in such a vivid and true way. Not just words or a feeling...but You like only You can do. No matter what happens I need to believe that at the end of this day Your love still remains for a faithless fiend like me...that no matter how much more pain I cause and how deep I try to dig this hole...Your love will win out over this Hell.
Teach me to truly pray.
For my words are naught more than worthless garbage.
Quote of the Day:
"Men do not differ much about what things they will call evils; they differ enormously about what evils they will call excusable."
-G.K. Chesterton
-G.K. Chesterton
Saturday, June 5, 2010
Quote of the Day:
"If knowing answers to life's questions is absolutely necessary to you, then forget the journey. You will never make it, for this is a journey of unknowable - of unanswered questions, enigmas, incomprehensibles, and, most of all, things unfair."
-Jeanne Guyon
-Jeanne Guyon
Thursday, June 3, 2010
Psalm 34
"The Lord hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
-Psalm 34:17-18
"Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore"
Your cross.
Your love.
My words are empty.
My heart is broken.
Abba.
Father.
How can You love one such as me?
Thank you for your grace, for my friends and the faith family shielding me...thank you for letting me be here in this moment...the pain is so much but thank you Father.
Thank you for the good, the bad and horrible...thank you for those who love me and have carried me this far...please help me return their love a thousand fold.
Thank you.
My tears, prayers and work will never be enough...so help me learn how to rest and let things be and worship You.
Thank you.
Thank you.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed."
-Psalm 34:17-18
"Your wings are holding up the sky
Dear God, I dreamt that I could fly
When I survey the wondrous cross
On which the Prince of glory died
My richest gain I count but loss
And pour contempt on all my pride
I am the worst of all things here
My crooked, black, and lying heart still spits its bitter fear
And each and every sparrow
They flutter to the ground before they die
So please God don't forget me
See from His head, His hands, His feet
Sorrow and love flow mingled down
Did e'er such love and sorrow meet
Or thorns compose so rich a crown?
To Christ, who won for sinners' grace
By bitter grief and anguish sore
Be praise from all the ransomed race
Forever and forevermore"
Your cross.
Your love.
My words are empty.
My heart is broken.
Abba.
Father.
How can You love one such as me?
Thank you for your grace, for my friends and the faith family shielding me...thank you for letting me be here in this moment...the pain is so much but thank you Father.
Thank you for the good, the bad and horrible...thank you for those who love me and have carried me this far...please help me return their love a thousand fold.
Thank you.
My tears, prayers and work will never be enough...so help me learn how to rest and let things be and worship You.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Quote of the Day:
"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
—Brennan Manning
—Brennan Manning
Wednesday, June 2, 2010
Reliving
Memories following translucent thoughts
that make their own path
to where my heart
is conveniently located on my sleeve.
Reality isn't quite what I thought it would be
but life is so much more beautiful
than I could have hoped to have seen.
Broken words,
shattered promises
occupy these twisted lanes
that lead me to life
and the light
at the foot of Your cross.
There is life returning
to these broken limbs
and shattered bones,
I am beginning to feel alive
as I wait and pray.
I want to feel this hope
and refuse to be victimized
by my senselessness
and hopeless disregard.
Hope.
Beautiful hope.
You are still alive.
that make their own path
to where my heart
is conveniently located on my sleeve.
Reality isn't quite what I thought it would be
but life is so much more beautiful
than I could have hoped to have seen.
Broken words,
shattered promises
occupy these twisted lanes
that lead me to life
and the light
at the foot of Your cross.
There is life returning
to these broken limbs
and shattered bones,
I am beginning to feel alive
as I wait and pray.
I want to feel this hope
and refuse to be victimized
by my senselessness
and hopeless disregard.
Hope.
Beautiful hope.
You are still alive.
Psalm 33
"For the word of the Lord holds true,
and we can trust everything he does.
He loves whatever is just and good;
the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth."
-Psalm 33:1-2
Trust...love.
Such two loaded words that I am unsure about.
You need both for the either to exist.
I mention so often about how I desperately want to be faithful...but faithful to whom? About what?
Why is it so easy for my heart to be swayed and distracted from You?
I want...to love.
I want to care.
What is it going to take for me to be faithful?
For me to trust?
Completely?
What will it take for me to let go and let You be?
When there is so much Hell present in this world, so many hurting, so much ache...can you help me believe Your love is here?
I have felt it burning inside of me I know you care...I know You are here...just please help me believe. Help my stagnant and apathetic heart...break me, love me...just as You have. Reassure this flippant heart that You are You.
Thank you.
Have I said that recently?
Thank you.
For everything good and bad that has happened in my life, thank you.
Please help me to be more...of myself.
To let go and simply be.
Thank you.
and we can trust everything he does.
He loves whatever is just and good;
the unfailing love of the Lord fills the earth."
-Psalm 33:1-2
Trust...love.
Such two loaded words that I am unsure about.
You need both for the either to exist.
I mention so often about how I desperately want to be faithful...but faithful to whom? About what?
Why is it so easy for my heart to be swayed and distracted from You?
I want...to love.
I want to care.
What is it going to take for me to be faithful?
For me to trust?
Completely?
What will it take for me to let go and let You be?
When there is so much Hell present in this world, so many hurting, so much ache...can you help me believe Your love is here?
I have felt it burning inside of me I know you care...I know You are here...just please help me believe. Help my stagnant and apathetic heart...break me, love me...just as You have. Reassure this flippant heart that You are You.
Thank you.
Have I said that recently?
Thank you.
For everything good and bad that has happened in my life, thank you.
Please help me to be more...of myself.
To let go and simply be.
Thank you.
Quote of the Day:
“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who have come alive.”
-Howard Thurman
-Howard Thurman
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
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