I only like to pretend it is easy to mistake Your voice for something I want.
I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.
Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?
Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?
I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...
The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.
The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...
...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.
The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.
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