Was awake enough tonight to watch "The Boondock Saints".
A freaking brilliant film.
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“You can judge the quality of their faith from the way they behave. Discipline is an index to doctrine.”
-Tertullian
-Tertullian
Tuesday, December 29, 2009
I can't remember why...
I need help to even be able to think of why I should wake up...why I am fighting.
I feel...I feel...is that part of the problem?
Seeing those who hurt...it's like it is pulled into my soul...
I'm so tired...so tired...
I'm trying to smile but I'm so tired and I ache so badly right now...
Jesus...please do not leave me here with myself as my only companion.
I need help to even be able to think of why I should wake up...why I am fighting.
I feel...I feel...is that part of the problem?
Seeing those who hurt...it's like it is pulled into my soul...
I'm so tired...so tired...
I'm trying to smile but I'm so tired and I ache so badly right now...
Jesus...please do not leave me here with myself as my only companion.
Sunday, December 27, 2009
Early Morning Reflections in the Ice
Levels of goodness and duality mixed with the profound dissatisfaction that comes with expectations being broken upon the harsh paved path of reality.
I cannot express the exact feelings and thoughts that course through my mind, open wounds and curious sights.
Beloved vistas being bathed in disconcerting greens and violets, reasons of being escaping me as the overall meaning gets lost in the pages between reality and the perverse.
Profoundly happy, nihilistic flag waving, thoughts permeate my mind at this hour.
Lack of sleep.
Yes, lack of soul.
I'm addicted to attention and feeling whatever it is my tainted and twisted soul longs for at any given moment. The twisted nethers swirl in movements of hope and the dance of enticing my every last desire.
I want to be freed from this nature that attempts to rip my Love apart. I cannot love, it is impossible for the base nature of my soul and being is perverse hate, born out of rebellion that rejects all good.
I am nothing more than a broken instrument of war longing to kill and destroy.
My only hope is the sacred Lover who knew no sin, who has carried my failures from the heavens, to the earth, to Hell and back to life and reunited with Love.
He took the full cup of the wrath of God, drank of it fully and placed it down and never flinched.
Sin, is so real and is manifest in every lie and lust that tries to own my soul and make me into the fel beast that does nothing but pridefully desires everything that is not mine.
My selfishness threatens to consume me.
But I refuse to become this forsaken.
This mindless beast.
I cannot express the exact feelings and thoughts that course through my mind, open wounds and curious sights.
Beloved vistas being bathed in disconcerting greens and violets, reasons of being escaping me as the overall meaning gets lost in the pages between reality and the perverse.
Profoundly happy, nihilistic flag waving, thoughts permeate my mind at this hour.
Lack of sleep.
Yes, lack of soul.
I'm addicted to attention and feeling whatever it is my tainted and twisted soul longs for at any given moment. The twisted nethers swirl in movements of hope and the dance of enticing my every last desire.
I want to be freed from this nature that attempts to rip my Love apart. I cannot love, it is impossible for the base nature of my soul and being is perverse hate, born out of rebellion that rejects all good.
I am nothing more than a broken instrument of war longing to kill and destroy.
My only hope is the sacred Lover who knew no sin, who has carried my failures from the heavens, to the earth, to Hell and back to life and reunited with Love.
He took the full cup of the wrath of God, drank of it fully and placed it down and never flinched.
Sin, is so real and is manifest in every lie and lust that tries to own my soul and make me into the fel beast that does nothing but pridefully desires everything that is not mine.
My selfishness threatens to consume me.
But I refuse to become this forsaken.
This mindless beast.
Saturday, December 26, 2009
Friday, December 25, 2009
Isaiah 53
Who believes what we've heard and seen? Who would have thought God's saving power would look like this?
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
The servant grew up before God—a scrawny seedling,
a scrubby plant in a parched field.
There was nothing attractive about him,
nothing to cause us to take a second look.
He was looked down on and passed over,
a man who suffered, who knew pain firsthand.
One look at him and people turned away.
We looked down on him, thought he was scum.
But the fact is, it was our pains he carried—
our disfigurements, all the things wrong with us.
We thought he brought it on himself,
that God was punishing him for his own failures.
But it was our sins that did that to him,
that ripped and tore and crushed him—our sins!
He took the punishment, and that made us whole.
Through his bruises we get healed.
We're all like sheep who've wandered off and gotten lost.
We've all done our own thing, gone our own way.
And God has piled all our sins, everything we've done wrong,
on him, on him.
He was beaten, he was tortured,
but he didn't say a word.
Like a lamb taken to be slaughtered
and like a sheep being sheared,
he took it all in silence.
Justice miscarried, and he was led off—
and did anyone really know what was happening?
He died without a thought for his own welfare,
beaten bloody for the sins of my people.
They buried him with the wicked,
threw him in a grave with a rich man,
Even though he'd never hurt a soul
or said one word that wasn't true.
Still, it's what God had in mind all along,
to crush him with pain.
The plan was that he give himself as an offering for sin
so that he'd see life come from it—life, life, and more life.
And God's plan will deeply prosper through him.
Out of that terrible travail of soul,
he'll see that it's worth it and be glad he did it.
Through what he experienced, my righteous one, my servant,
will make many "righteous ones,"
as he himself carries the burden of their sins.
Therefore I'll reward him extravagantly—
the best of everything, the highest honors—
Because he looked death in the face and didn't flinch,
because he embraced the company of the lowest.
He took on his own shoulders the sin of the many,
he took up the cause of all the black sheep.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Grace Lying in the Snow
Grace.
Living in broken world it feels like a cheap phrase.
It feels like I'm holding a mirror just to have selective vision.
It is the glue holding things together even when I've checked out.
Every word I speak can be proven false
as I hold tight and hope against hope
that every ounce of this is true.
Either the cross is everything or nothing
and my only hope is on this Nazarene.
Outcast and despised, a man of sorrows
who walked this path before me.
I speak of beauty but have never seen it,
I write of hope but have never felt it.
Every last expression of this soul
is lost in this empty religious display.
There is nothing in the manger right now
just as there is nothing in the tomb.
It is a poor man's show
and than we get it put on display
on the street corner
where everyone can see it.
The badge on my sleeve
and the cross around my throat
as I fumble for words
that will never come.
You ask for answers I cannot give,
for my soul is poised to beg in shame
as my mind is but the cornerstone
of this foolish pride.
I have nothing to give.
The only hope I have seen
remains diligently unseen
and the love I have flows
from the heart of the One holding this all.
Trite and vain,
meaningless I have tried
and all I can give are these hands
along with this shaking voice.
It's Christmas time
and Jesus I just wish we could stop the pain.
I'm sick of the fighting, the addictions
and beating ourselves into the ground.
The destitute hungry along with outcast dying of disease,
did you watch me past by the starving beggar
or the prostitute offering tricks for drugs?
Jesus did you see the pride in my heart
as I justify judging
as though Nietzsche was right and You died
just so I can be king?
The Truth is only You
and still I am looking and searching
hoping to find a way to validate my pride.
Words keep sticking in my throat
and I say I do not know
because the Truth terrifies me.
This time of year brings me so much terror
because it faces me to look into history
and see how true truth really is.
You will be You,
eternally now.
The more people try to persuade me otherwise
Your Love is all I can see.
The fire of my doubts will not cease
until I feel the arms of eternity around me
and the nail scarred hands wipe away my tears.
The fear in my soul
and the sin that is a disease
will one day be no more
and I will be freed to love
and love only like one touched by eternity can.
Living in broken world it feels like a cheap phrase.
It feels like I'm holding a mirror just to have selective vision.
It is the glue holding things together even when I've checked out.
Every word I speak can be proven false
as I hold tight and hope against hope
that every ounce of this is true.
Either the cross is everything or nothing
and my only hope is on this Nazarene.
Outcast and despised, a man of sorrows
who walked this path before me.
I speak of beauty but have never seen it,
I write of hope but have never felt it.
Every last expression of this soul
is lost in this empty religious display.
There is nothing in the manger right now
just as there is nothing in the tomb.
It is a poor man's show
and than we get it put on display
on the street corner
where everyone can see it.
The badge on my sleeve
and the cross around my throat
as I fumble for words
that will never come.
You ask for answers I cannot give,
for my soul is poised to beg in shame
as my mind is but the cornerstone
of this foolish pride.
I have nothing to give.
The only hope I have seen
remains diligently unseen
and the love I have flows
from the heart of the One holding this all.
Trite and vain,
meaningless I have tried
and all I can give are these hands
along with this shaking voice.
It's Christmas time
and Jesus I just wish we could stop the pain.
I'm sick of the fighting, the addictions
and beating ourselves into the ground.
The destitute hungry along with outcast dying of disease,
did you watch me past by the starving beggar
or the prostitute offering tricks for drugs?
Jesus did you see the pride in my heart
as I justify judging
as though Nietzsche was right and You died
just so I can be king?
The Truth is only You
and still I am looking and searching
hoping to find a way to validate my pride.
Words keep sticking in my throat
and I say I do not know
because the Truth terrifies me.
This time of year brings me so much terror
because it faces me to look into history
and see how true truth really is.
You will be You,
eternally now.
The more people try to persuade me otherwise
Your Love is all I can see.
The fire of my doubts will not cease
until I feel the arms of eternity around me
and the nail scarred hands wipe away my tears.
The fear in my soul
and the sin that is a disease
will one day be no more
and I will be freed to love
and love only like one touched by eternity can.
Some Things of Note:
-I suck at wrapping gifts. I had little money to buy anything but a few books will have to do for now.
-Spike TV has been running a Star Wars marathon, the prequels are so bad they make my soul sad...but at least the original trilogy brings back many happy memories.
-I'm happy that it's Christmas Eve, I feel anticipation and happiness about being able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm some sort of perpetual and utterly useless burden.
-Last week I killed the Christmas tree trying to fix the lights. Finally the darn thing is lit back all the way and I'm about to try and rectify the lack of ornaments before dinner tonight.
-I miss a few things about home but I'm glad I'm leaving to go back to school otherwise I have no idea when I would be going back south.
-Brave Saint Saturn's song "Space Robot Five" has become my temporary theme song.
-Spike TV has been running a Star Wars marathon, the prequels are so bad they make my soul sad...but at least the original trilogy brings back many happy memories.
-I'm happy that it's Christmas Eve, I feel anticipation and happiness about being able to fit in somewhere and not feel like I'm some sort of perpetual and utterly useless burden.
-Last week I killed the Christmas tree trying to fix the lights. Finally the darn thing is lit back all the way and I'm about to try and rectify the lack of ornaments before dinner tonight.
-I miss a few things about home but I'm glad I'm leaving to go back to school otherwise I have no idea when I would be going back south.
-Brave Saint Saturn's song "Space Robot Five" has become my temporary theme song.
Quote of the Day:
“All sin has its being and origin in the fact that man wants to be his own judge. And in wanting to be that, and thinking and acting accordingly, he and his whole world is in conflict with God. It is an unreconciled world, and therefore a suffering world, a world given up to destruction.”
-Karl Barth
-Karl Barth
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“I hold a beast, an angel and a madman in me, and my inquiry is as to their working, and my problem is their subjugation and victory, downthrow and upheaval, and my effort is their self-expression.”
-Dylan Thomas
-Dylan Thomas
Bitterly Venom Lies
I'm sorry but I must say no.
I refuse to compromise my soul
and give free reign
with the power of control
to the likes of you.
Love is merely a currency
in your vernacular
and every form of your kindness
is just another Hellish smile.
Take the knives out of their backs
and feel free
to fall on them
and rid the world
of just another lying voice
and join your father,
the one who speaks in serpent tongues.
I refuse to compromise my soul
and give free reign
with the power of control
to the likes of you.
Love is merely a currency
in your vernacular
and every form of your kindness
is just another Hellish smile.
Take the knives out of their backs
and feel free
to fall on them
and rid the world
of just another lying voice
and join your father,
the one who speaks in serpent tongues.
Tuesday, December 22, 2009
Red Eyes
Redundant thoughts pertaining
and recalling every second here,
freeing in this falling space
as hope in light breaking dark
with every second just passing.
Anger, raw emotion at this breaking point
of no knowing and reinventing my steps
with the pulsing heart beats
and blood dripping from the arteries
into the mind of sin.
Pretty,
falling and flying
mammon and machine
everything you never seen.
Bleeding sentiment
while falling over the trapping
of your eclipsed soul,
food for thought
and devour all you see.
Justice in inaction
with beautiful painted glass ornaments
that mean more
than the living soul
you placed within it.
and recalling every second here,
freeing in this falling space
as hope in light breaking dark
with every second just passing.
Anger, raw emotion at this breaking point
of no knowing and reinventing my steps
with the pulsing heart beats
and blood dripping from the arteries
into the mind of sin.
Pretty,
falling and flying
mammon and machine
everything you never seen.
Bleeding sentiment
while falling over the trapping
of your eclipsed soul,
food for thought
and devour all you see.
Justice in inaction
with beautiful painted glass ornaments
that mean more
than the living soul
you placed within it.
Monday, December 21, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“We were promised sufferings. They were part of the program. We were even told, 'Blessed are they that mourn.'”
-C.S. Lewis quote
-C.S. Lewis quote
Sunday, December 20, 2009
Poor Offerings to the Muse
I've never had
never had enough,
enough of these words
or of hope to share.
Life has taken
much more than it's given
but here you are.
Isolated,
but never truly alone.
Distance is a pale metaphor
for love
and time is never a friend
except when counting the seconds
of being blessed
and the uptake of the burning inspiration
of your Muse whisperings in my ear.
Words can never be enough
to give definition
and figure
to the hope
and the love
and all these words
will never be able to
give justice
or make the beauty have life
until you breath inspiration over it
and realize,
just realize the creative spirit
and brightness you inspire.
Even in the Darkness
there is hope
and more and more Light
because you are there.
Hold on,
the resolution is coming
and even when the curtain falls
the beauty of Love
shall never die.
never had enough,
enough of these words
or of hope to share.
Life has taken
much more than it's given
but here you are.
Isolated,
but never truly alone.
Distance is a pale metaphor
for love
and time is never a friend
except when counting the seconds
of being blessed
and the uptake of the burning inspiration
of your Muse whisperings in my ear.
Words can never be enough
to give definition
and figure
to the hope
and the love
and all these words
will never be able to
give justice
or make the beauty have life
until you breath inspiration over it
and realize,
just realize the creative spirit
and brightness you inspire.
Even in the Darkness
there is hope
and more and more Light
because you are there.
Hold on,
the resolution is coming
and even when the curtain falls
the beauty of Love
shall never die.
Quote of the Day:
“Hope has two beautiful daughters. Their names are anger and courage; anger at the way things are, and courage to see that they do not remain the way they are.”
-Augustine of Hippo
-Augustine of Hippo
Saturday, December 19, 2009
Just one of those days spent waiting...
There are not words enough to voice my thoughts...to give justice to the multitude of questions, doubts, fears, hope, needs and shallow love I have to express to You, Lover of the Soul.
Everything I have hoped for...has it been in vain?
It feels so much that everything I have wanted has been the wrong thing, much less the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I'm a child who has lost his way and can't figure out my left hand from my right.
Why in the name of God would You want to trust me with taking the Gospel anywhere? I can't find my voice, I am so scared too...my shallow heart wants to have everyone love me and I am terrified of being hated.
I'm so sick from not feeling You my Love, I'm so sick and I need You more than I need anything in this life, in this world...everything is a cancer eating at me...I loose my sight and I cannot see...I cannot feel and I just feel like I am making a religious display that should just be burned away.
I need Truth, ergo I need You.
Nothing else, nothing else matters.
I will traverse this wasteland alone if it will please You.
I just...need You, can You understand that?
Need, desperate need where I ache so desperately for You.
Every relationship I have with people is going to die, everything I have ever loved is going to fade...and then what?
I feel like my soul is just full of garbage and lies...do I have anything beyond the base elements? Anything that is more substantial than...'maybe'? I have to equate love and faith as different sides of the same coin...I can't see either and I barely feel them in this cold night...
Paradox?
Is that what it boils down to...unreconciled contradictions that cause my heart and soul to endlessly ache?
The pain isn't in the emptiness...but that things have yet to be fulfilled...there is the hope and longing want that maybe...just maybe...this side of Eternity there will be...things might...just...
Jesus, You know how to make the word 'maybe' into such a loaded noun.
I'm not the kind of person who is okay not asking questions...if I didn't voice my doubt and fear...what shreds of sanity I have left would have jumped ship years ago...like it almost did back in college.
What now?
What next?
The more I read and the more I try to know...the less I understand and the less I know...give and take?
Just...help this, help me become something beautiful...
Everything I have hoped for...has it been in vain?
It feels so much that everything I have wanted has been the wrong thing, much less the wrong thing at the wrong time.
I'm a child who has lost his way and can't figure out my left hand from my right.
Why in the name of God would You want to trust me with taking the Gospel anywhere? I can't find my voice, I am so scared too...my shallow heart wants to have everyone love me and I am terrified of being hated.
I'm so sick from not feeling You my Love, I'm so sick and I need You more than I need anything in this life, in this world...everything is a cancer eating at me...I loose my sight and I cannot see...I cannot feel and I just feel like I am making a religious display that should just be burned away.
I need Truth, ergo I need You.
Nothing else, nothing else matters.
I will traverse this wasteland alone if it will please You.
I just...need You, can You understand that?
Need, desperate need where I ache so desperately for You.
Every relationship I have with people is going to die, everything I have ever loved is going to fade...and then what?
I feel like my soul is just full of garbage and lies...do I have anything beyond the base elements? Anything that is more substantial than...'maybe'? I have to equate love and faith as different sides of the same coin...I can't see either and I barely feel them in this cold night...
Paradox?
Is that what it boils down to...unreconciled contradictions that cause my heart and soul to endlessly ache?
The pain isn't in the emptiness...but that things have yet to be fulfilled...there is the hope and longing want that maybe...just maybe...this side of Eternity there will be...things might...just...
Jesus, You know how to make the word 'maybe' into such a loaded noun.
I'm not the kind of person who is okay not asking questions...if I didn't voice my doubt and fear...what shreds of sanity I have left would have jumped ship years ago...like it almost did back in college.
What now?
What next?
The more I read and the more I try to know...the less I understand and the less I know...give and take?
Just...help this, help me become something beautiful...
Quote of the Day:
"A fire broke out backstage in a theater. The clown came out to warn the public; they thought it was a joke and applauded. He repeated it; the acclaim was even greater. I think that's just how the world will come to an end: to the general applause of wits who believe it's a joke."
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Friday, December 18, 2009
Dear Jesus
Thank you for letting one of my friends be clear of cancer.
One down and one to go.
Can we try to make this a two for two please?
Thank you.
Regards;
-Matt.
One down and one to go.
Can we try to make this a two for two please?
Thank you.
Regards;
-Matt.
Quote of the Day:
"To summarize: it is a well-known fact that those people who most want to rule people are, ipso facto, those least suited to do it. To summarize the summary: anyone who is capable of getting themselves made President should on no account be allowed to do the job. To summarize the summary of the summary: people are a problem."
-Douglas Adams
-Douglas Adams
Logical Reversals
Day and night,
night and day.
Hours, minuted and seconds
just bleeding into the next.
Perception fading in and out
set to the rhythm
of your broken
and bleeding hearts.
Lacking substantial rhyme or reason
for this display
of turbulence
I just loose myself
and pray,
just pray for the coming Light.
Pain,
blinding and all encompassing,
pain that rips my body asunder
and pulls my soul out of its apathy
as I collapse gasping for air.
Value judgment calls
about the worth of the person
who lacks your dogma,
and I can't help but feel pity
for the close minds
that cause so much pain.
I want to feel again,
I want my heart and soul to bleed
and feel the hope
as they feel in pain.
Every last passing second
as I wait and cry
I will stand and die
just to feel
Your heartbeat again.
I have nothing
but this heart to given,
broken and black
as I hope for something more.
night and day.
Hours, minuted and seconds
just bleeding into the next.
Perception fading in and out
set to the rhythm
of your broken
and bleeding hearts.
Lacking substantial rhyme or reason
for this display
of turbulence
I just loose myself
and pray,
just pray for the coming Light.
Pain,
blinding and all encompassing,
pain that rips my body asunder
and pulls my soul out of its apathy
as I collapse gasping for air.
Value judgment calls
about the worth of the person
who lacks your dogma,
and I can't help but feel pity
for the close minds
that cause so much pain.
I want to feel again,
I want my heart and soul to bleed
and feel the hope
as they feel in pain.
Every last passing second
as I wait and cry
I will stand and die
just to feel
Your heartbeat again.
I have nothing
but this heart to given,
broken and black
as I hope for something more.
Thursday, December 17, 2009
"Your eyes
Are always there
Your eyes
Are what I came for
Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore
Stop just right there
Everything has to stop to steal time
For whom I want to be near
Yes I do care and I love the love we share
And I know You're alive
I'll give my heart to survive
This world has nothing to offer a human soul
Reaching for the sky
So Father of light
Keep this human spirit alive"
Are always there
Your eyes
Are what I came for
Your eyes
Drive away my fear
Your eyes
I could just stand there and adore
Stop just right there
Everything has to stop to steal time
For whom I want to be near
Yes I do care and I love the love we share
And I know You're alive
I'll give my heart to survive
This world has nothing to offer a human soul
Reaching for the sky
So Father of light
Keep this human spirit alive"
Quote of the Day:
“God creates out of nothing. Wonderful you say. Yes, to be sure, but he does what is still more wonderful: he makes saints out of sinners.”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Falling, Falling...
In so many words I just wish God would open the heavens and direct me to someplace like he did the prophets in the Old Testament and the Apostles in the New Testament.
It feels like every time I have 'felt' God tell me to go somewhere...things have blown up in my face in one way or another.
I'm still rather baffled about being in Chicago.
This has been...actually relaxing...I've enjoyed meeting new people (despite cultural, religious and philosophical differences being so extreme at times) and it wasn't uncomfortable.
The thing that makes me upset is that these beautiful people would not be accepted by most Christians and churches I know. Because of the lifestyles, beliefs and language they use...this would make the majority of the people I know that are 'good' Christians uncomfortable enough to ignore them.
For those keeping score at home, yes this is irony because I am making both assumption and judgment based upon previous experience...but honestly I can hear the conversations in my head.
It would take place at a circle table at church, people asking for prayer for such 'poor, ungodly people' for their unspeakable sins they commit. Why is prayer seemingly always turned into this chance for gossip?
Value judgments aside, where did this asinine assumption of superiority come from?
Growing up, why were we always told to not make friends with non Christians? That if we're around 'bad' people they would rub off on us?
Where is Jesus to be found in that load of crap?
There is nothing to be found in gathering together with the same tired cliches and useless expressions of holiness. I keep going on about how I want to break down barriers but the biggest hurdle is my own judgmental heart full of sin and pain.
Every time I think I know where my Nineveh is...things change and keep changing...action and reaction...things are it's own every growing mess of confusion. I think maybe it's because of my skewed perception that I think I am lost.
I'm starting to believe I am here...right here, in this chair, in this apartment in a suburb of Chicago for a real reason. What that reason is...I know not and any absolute certainty at this point is sheer silliness.
It's like the people so enamored with being in love that they only see what they want to see...they only see people as being a means to their end...it's a shame I've been treating Jesus like this.
I'm alive for a reason, part of that is to actually enjoy life...along the way it is possible to learn to share my heart and mind with those around me...I just desperately need to find Christians I can spend time with that will drop the charades and just be themselves...I can't take being around religious bigots much more...it's been dangerous being around those who have lived outside the church...it's helping me see my own hypocrisies much more clearly.
I just wish this thorn of pride could be ripped out...and I could start loving freely instead based on a value system.
So many thoughts...would you believe hope is mixed in?
Even in my bitter jaded self...hope is wrapped in and around my lungs and heart as I look to the heavens and feel the music pouring into my soul and out my lips.
Hope lives and will thrive, it will let me laugh and smile and embrace those I love...
This isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of eternity.
It feels like every time I have 'felt' God tell me to go somewhere...things have blown up in my face in one way or another.
I'm still rather baffled about being in Chicago.
This has been...actually relaxing...I've enjoyed meeting new people (despite cultural, religious and philosophical differences being so extreme at times) and it wasn't uncomfortable.
The thing that makes me upset is that these beautiful people would not be accepted by most Christians and churches I know. Because of the lifestyles, beliefs and language they use...this would make the majority of the people I know that are 'good' Christians uncomfortable enough to ignore them.
For those keeping score at home, yes this is irony because I am making both assumption and judgment based upon previous experience...but honestly I can hear the conversations in my head.
It would take place at a circle table at church, people asking for prayer for such 'poor, ungodly people' for their unspeakable sins they commit. Why is prayer seemingly always turned into this chance for gossip?
Value judgments aside, where did this asinine assumption of superiority come from?
Growing up, why were we always told to not make friends with non Christians? That if we're around 'bad' people they would rub off on us?
Where is Jesus to be found in that load of crap?
There is nothing to be found in gathering together with the same tired cliches and useless expressions of holiness. I keep going on about how I want to break down barriers but the biggest hurdle is my own judgmental heart full of sin and pain.
Every time I think I know where my Nineveh is...things change and keep changing...action and reaction...things are it's own every growing mess of confusion. I think maybe it's because of my skewed perception that I think I am lost.
I'm starting to believe I am here...right here, in this chair, in this apartment in a suburb of Chicago for a real reason. What that reason is...I know not and any absolute certainty at this point is sheer silliness.
It's like the people so enamored with being in love that they only see what they want to see...they only see people as being a means to their end...it's a shame I've been treating Jesus like this.
I'm alive for a reason, part of that is to actually enjoy life...along the way it is possible to learn to share my heart and mind with those around me...I just desperately need to find Christians I can spend time with that will drop the charades and just be themselves...I can't take being around religious bigots much more...it's been dangerous being around those who have lived outside the church...it's helping me see my own hypocrisies much more clearly.
I just wish this thorn of pride could be ripped out...and I could start loving freely instead based on a value system.
So many thoughts...would you believe hope is mixed in?
Even in my bitter jaded self...hope is wrapped in and around my lungs and heart as I look to the heavens and feel the music pouring into my soul and out my lips.
Hope lives and will thrive, it will let me laugh and smile and embrace those I love...
This isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of eternity.
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
Preface
My center of balance is off and it feels like falling, it feels like failing and while you can watch for free, the only price is my raising pain.
I never intended to be on display but while we're on the subject I might as well continue this freak show the best way I know how, self deprecation and prayers that just maybe things will end soon enough.
I live in my own world.
The realm I constructed from me being and acting as such a parasite upon imagination.
Nothing feels real, just as you never did.
I wouldn't know truth any better than the lies I hold so dear.
Everything passes in various shades of gray, as I hope for something more.
Is everything damned into the place of fear?
I want to know truth.
I want to know what I can trust.
How long until Love is all that remains?
I'm tired of life, I would quit if I could.
Just let go and be free of being so tired and fake.
Why is it I make such stupid choices in life?
Why can't I just bite my tongue and let things die?
I do not want to resign myself, regulate myself in this box.
All I want is all I want and all I want is to breath.
I just want to live without fear.
Is it too much to ask for life and to laugh?
Is it too inconceivable that I tire of games and perpetual pain?
I want to run,
just run into the arms
of the love
of the Divine Lover
and the only One who knows
and will know this broken soul.
Trembling hands
and a broken soul
and a resigned sigh
of not knowing
this way
and path.
Really, this is me.
Are you so surprised?
I am.
Enough to break this mirror and walk away.
I never intended to be on display but while we're on the subject I might as well continue this freak show the best way I know how, self deprecation and prayers that just maybe things will end soon enough.
I live in my own world.
The realm I constructed from me being and acting as such a parasite upon imagination.
Nothing feels real, just as you never did.
I wouldn't know truth any better than the lies I hold so dear.
Everything passes in various shades of gray, as I hope for something more.
Is everything damned into the place of fear?
I want to know truth.
I want to know what I can trust.
How long until Love is all that remains?
I'm tired of life, I would quit if I could.
Just let go and be free of being so tired and fake.
Why is it I make such stupid choices in life?
Why can't I just bite my tongue and let things die?
I do not want to resign myself, regulate myself in this box.
All I want is all I want and all I want is to breath.
I just want to live without fear.
Is it too much to ask for life and to laugh?
Is it too inconceivable that I tire of games and perpetual pain?
I want to run,
just run into the arms
of the love
of the Divine Lover
and the only One who knows
and will know this broken soul.
Trembling hands
and a broken soul
and a resigned sigh
of not knowing
this way
and path.
Really, this is me.
Are you so surprised?
I am.
Enough to break this mirror and walk away.
Tuesday, December 15, 2009
Some Thoughts on Forgiveness:
"Don’t copy the behavior and customs of this world, but let God transform you into a new person by changing the way you think. Then you will learn to know God’s will for you, which is good and pleasing and perfect."
-Romans 12:2
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:22-23
"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
-George Herbert
I just read an interesting little tidbit on forgiveness by one of the writers at xxxchurch.com.
It is so...strange to think that forgiveness is more important for the offend rather than the offender. I am carrying a lot of pain in my soul, a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness that slowly eats at my soul...it consists of everything from the failings of family to the bitterness that comes from having Christians and churches fail me.
How much of it is deliberate?
Honestly, how many people intend to strike chords within my heart to where I loose my perspective on life and forget not just who I am but why I was born in the first place?
Over the past few days I have had a LOT of conversation about Christianity, church, the fake Jesus (who is Caucasian, blue eyes and blond hair) history, sexuality, children, vampires, paganism, 'alternate' lifestyles, cats, family, zombies and really only God knows what else.
In hindsight the two things that matter the most to me in this world were overlooked, that being the real Jesus and grace.
I honestly have never one who takes many opportunities to "put in a good word for God" but I really do not think misplaced evangelism would be the right thing to do when it comes to the ones wearied by experience. Talking to people who have been seriously burned by the church, Christians and the whole religious establishment...is so disheartening and like having a mirror held up in front of me.
I've given several blanket apologies for the utter lunacy that the Christian church has been for the past couple of thousand of years. I'm a little old fashion in that I believe in a literal Satan because that is the only one I can think of that could twist something as beautiful as God coming in human form to show love to His people and that sacrifice and grace...and make it about religion and politics.
How many millions of people have been murdered in the name of Jesus, of whom Paul preached? How many tens of millions have been mindlessly abused, persecuted and lost their place in the world because of self righteous idiots who took a small nugget of truth and took it to the logical extreme?
I know so little about life, there are few things I have any confidence in but Jesus is the only solid bedrock I have in life. It's more than just words on a page, incredible stories or about finding inner peace; it is this absurdly impossible, this strange experience of falling in Love and feeling my heart of stone being turned back into flesh.
I have seen a lot of cynicism and jaded hearts because of people...the whole problem Pascal mentioned of people having that "God shaped hole in their heart" gets cut even bigger because people love themselves more than they do God, much less other people.
The curious thing I have seen first hand is that the bigger the hurt, the bigger the pain...the more horrible things become...the greater grace may be found. I hate people who say that God can take the worst of pains and make it beautiful...because it is true and because of how insecure I am. I am too insecure to trust that the One whom I love can take my pain, my bitterness and turn it into something wonderful...there is a strange paradox of how I preach 'faith, hope and love' and the second I get hurt is the second I start giving up on God, people...and myself.
Choosing to forgive someone for the pain, the evil they have done to you isn't the same as approving of their actions. Choosing to stick your neck out and say "I forgive you because Jesus loves me, loves you and has forgiven me so I am forgiving you." Isn't the same as of approving of the offender's actions.
But it is choosing to let the pain change you, push you beyond the complacency that comes with bitterness and pain.
It is choosing to turn stagnate water into wine and letting joy back inside the empty house.
I want to put the past into the past and leave it there, I feel the weariness weighing on me for past debts and hurts that I am so sick of carrying. The burden of the past is too much to bear and I have carried it because I forget who I am and why it is I am alive.
I want to move on in life, move past the aches of the past and let the tears be dried so I can see the beauty in life again. I'm so sick of loosing myself to the base emotions and forgetting what it means to be alive.
Grace, pure and beautiful grace. Grace enough to wipe away the stains and enough to ease the pain. Grace enough to feel, grace enough to love and grace enough to begin to believe again.
Having a check list for life is missing the point, showing up and willing to give people hugs and tell them that they loved...now that is much closer to living life. Berating people for their shortcomings and making them feel judged by God is helping no one...it is just holding up a mirror to show the emptiness in that person whose judges.
How bitter, how egotistical and how narcissistic does a person have to be to take on the mantle of judge, of whom Jesus is the only One rightful, Holy and just in doing?
Grace, forgiveness, Love...such powerful words meant for being shared between Jesus and all of us. Real relationships, real love comes when we lay down our arms and choose to be a family together. People are broken and in need of love...we can't fix anyone but we can show them a flicker of the Divine Love when we choose to let go of the problems we can't fix and instead choose to live life.
"And we love to wear a badge, a uniform
And we love to fly a flag.
But I won't let others live in Hell
As we divide against each other
And we fight amongst ourselves.
Too set in our ways to try to rearrange
Too right to be wrong, in this rebel song.
Let the bells ring out
Let the bells wring out
Is there nothing left?
Is there, is there nothing left,
Is honesty what you want?
A generation without name
Ripped and torn.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
Nothing at all.
And if you can't help yourself
Well, take a look around you
When others need your time
You say it's time to go.
It's your time.
Angry words won't stop the fight
Two wrongs won't make it right.
A new heart is what I need
Oh God, make it bleed.
Is there nothing left?"
-U2, "Like a Song..."
-Romans 12:2
"But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control; against such things there is no law."
-Galatians 5:22-23
"He that cannot forgive others, breaks the bridge over which he himself must pass if
he would ever reach heaven; for everyone has need to be forgiven."
-George Herbert
I just read an interesting little tidbit on forgiveness by one of the writers at xxxchurch.com.
It is so...strange to think that forgiveness is more important for the offend rather than the offender. I am carrying a lot of pain in my soul, a lot of pain, a lot of bitterness that slowly eats at my soul...it consists of everything from the failings of family to the bitterness that comes from having Christians and churches fail me.
How much of it is deliberate?
Honestly, how many people intend to strike chords within my heart to where I loose my perspective on life and forget not just who I am but why I was born in the first place?
Over the past few days I have had a LOT of conversation about Christianity, church, the fake Jesus (who is Caucasian, blue eyes and blond hair) history, sexuality, children, vampires, paganism, 'alternate' lifestyles, cats, family, zombies and really only God knows what else.
In hindsight the two things that matter the most to me in this world were overlooked, that being the real Jesus and grace.
I honestly have never one who takes many opportunities to "put in a good word for God" but I really do not think misplaced evangelism would be the right thing to do when it comes to the ones wearied by experience. Talking to people who have been seriously burned by the church, Christians and the whole religious establishment...is so disheartening and like having a mirror held up in front of me.
I've given several blanket apologies for the utter lunacy that the Christian church has been for the past couple of thousand of years. I'm a little old fashion in that I believe in a literal Satan because that is the only one I can think of that could twist something as beautiful as God coming in human form to show love to His people and that sacrifice and grace...and make it about religion and politics.
How many millions of people have been murdered in the name of Jesus, of whom Paul preached? How many tens of millions have been mindlessly abused, persecuted and lost their place in the world because of self righteous idiots who took a small nugget of truth and took it to the logical extreme?
I know so little about life, there are few things I have any confidence in but Jesus is the only solid bedrock I have in life. It's more than just words on a page, incredible stories or about finding inner peace; it is this absurdly impossible, this strange experience of falling in Love and feeling my heart of stone being turned back into flesh.
I have seen a lot of cynicism and jaded hearts because of people...the whole problem Pascal mentioned of people having that "God shaped hole in their heart" gets cut even bigger because people love themselves more than they do God, much less other people.
The curious thing I have seen first hand is that the bigger the hurt, the bigger the pain...the more horrible things become...the greater grace may be found. I hate people who say that God can take the worst of pains and make it beautiful...because it is true and because of how insecure I am. I am too insecure to trust that the One whom I love can take my pain, my bitterness and turn it into something wonderful...there is a strange paradox of how I preach 'faith, hope and love' and the second I get hurt is the second I start giving up on God, people...and myself.
Choosing to forgive someone for the pain, the evil they have done to you isn't the same as approving of their actions. Choosing to stick your neck out and say "I forgive you because Jesus loves me, loves you and has forgiven me so I am forgiving you." Isn't the same as of approving of the offender's actions.
But it is choosing to let the pain change you, push you beyond the complacency that comes with bitterness and pain.
It is choosing to turn stagnate water into wine and letting joy back inside the empty house.
I want to put the past into the past and leave it there, I feel the weariness weighing on me for past debts and hurts that I am so sick of carrying. The burden of the past is too much to bear and I have carried it because I forget who I am and why it is I am alive.
I want to move on in life, move past the aches of the past and let the tears be dried so I can see the beauty in life again. I'm so sick of loosing myself to the base emotions and forgetting what it means to be alive.
Grace, pure and beautiful grace. Grace enough to wipe away the stains and enough to ease the pain. Grace enough to feel, grace enough to love and grace enough to begin to believe again.
Having a check list for life is missing the point, showing up and willing to give people hugs and tell them that they loved...now that is much closer to living life. Berating people for their shortcomings and making them feel judged by God is helping no one...it is just holding up a mirror to show the emptiness in that person whose judges.
How bitter, how egotistical and how narcissistic does a person have to be to take on the mantle of judge, of whom Jesus is the only One rightful, Holy and just in doing?
Grace, forgiveness, Love...such powerful words meant for being shared between Jesus and all of us. Real relationships, real love comes when we lay down our arms and choose to be a family together. People are broken and in need of love...we can't fix anyone but we can show them a flicker of the Divine Love when we choose to let go of the problems we can't fix and instead choose to live life.
"And we love to wear a badge, a uniform
And we love to fly a flag.
But I won't let others live in Hell
As we divide against each other
And we fight amongst ourselves.
Too set in our ways to try to rearrange
Too right to be wrong, in this rebel song.
Let the bells ring out
Let the bells wring out
Is there nothing left?
Is there, is there nothing left,
Is honesty what you want?
A generation without name
Ripped and torn.
Nothing to lose, nothing to gain
Nothing at all.
And if you can't help yourself
Well, take a look around you
When others need your time
You say it's time to go.
It's your time.
Angry words won't stop the fight
Two wrongs won't make it right.
A new heart is what I need
Oh God, make it bleed.
Is there nothing left?"
-U2, "Like a Song..."
Quote of the Day:
“Sometimes I lie awake at night, and ask, 'Where have I gone wrong?' Then a voice says to me, 'This is going to take more than one night.'”
-Charles M. Schulz
-Charles M. Schulz
Pain in My Head, Pain in the Soul
I feel like every effort I make with..trying to understand or make things better with...family things...I make worse.
I can't win...so I will not continue to play that kind of game.
I just...all I know to do is pray and hope, hope and pray...I am sick of pain and hurting...I just want to do the right thing and honestly...half the time I do not know...and most of the time I know nothing at all.
Can there ever be peace in the human heart?
Or will everything I do simply cause more pain?
More ache? More destruction?
I can't win...so I will not continue to play that kind of game.
I just...all I know to do is pray and hope, hope and pray...I am sick of pain and hurting...I just want to do the right thing and honestly...half the time I do not know...and most of the time I know nothing at all.
Can there ever be peace in the human heart?
Or will everything I do simply cause more pain?
More ache? More destruction?
Monday, December 14, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“Truth is so obscure in these times, and falsehood so established, that, unless we love the truth, we cannot know it.”
-Blaise Pascal
-Blaise Pascal
"It's good to be alive..."
In so many ways it's so nice to just...feel free and that the constant worry and fear is dissipating.
Last night was troublesome because my brother in law may have had a heart attack...and me being several states away and not really being able to help comfort my near hysterical sister did not...help things.
I'm so disappointed with the whole concept of...family.
Being here is redefining it in ways I'm not sure I realized.
Why is the Christian majority so ignorant and think morality exists only within our fractured and screwed up bubble?
I'm staying with people who do not share my faith...my love of Jesus and I know so many people who would be disturbed by that...who would oppose me and say it's wrong. That is such crap...I have been shown more kindness and love by those who oppose Christ than the charlatans posing as wolves in sheep clothing.
Do you have any idea how outright disturbing that is to me?
Where is this love of Christ?
It's not my faith in Jesus that is wavering...it's just my ability to even trust that other followers are sincere...it's so easy to live in a bubble and judge the world...but this isn't my goal.
I want to love Christ and have that love overflow so perpetually that is overwhelms...that is catches my breath in every way it does...and that maybe it will for others.
It has something...I find amazing and touching and moving in ways I haven't seen and felt in a while...
"These men who have turned the world upside down have now come here...they are all defying Caesar's decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus."
-Acts 17:6-7
I miss that...fire to want to turn the world upside down with Love...the biggest accusations against the early church and the ones I want to be lambasted for. I want to be called a bastard, an atheist for defying the religious and daring to love EVERYONE, those who judge and hate me...as well as the "Least of these" those who would NEVER dare to believe that Jesus loves them for them...
I may be dangerous, I may be on the line of heresy...but unless Jesus loves everyone than I am starting to feel He may love no one. It's not my place to judge or say who is worthy, who is going to Hell and who is deserving...for none of us would have dared to chosen or dared to believe we could be loved...by the Lover.
I refuse to let bigotry or religious/pious double speak be my focus...I want it to be pure love, love that cuts deep and goes beyond words...and is merely my faith being poetry in motion.
I'm going to be visiting with some friends of theirs who live what I can most politely say as being "alternative" lifestyles...and you know what? Jesus would be there, Jesus will be there.
"We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever You walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
Last night was troublesome because my brother in law may have had a heart attack...and me being several states away and not really being able to help comfort my near hysterical sister did not...help things.
I'm so disappointed with the whole concept of...family.
Being here is redefining it in ways I'm not sure I realized.
Why is the Christian majority so ignorant and think morality exists only within our fractured and screwed up bubble?
I'm staying with people who do not share my faith...my love of Jesus and I know so many people who would be disturbed by that...who would oppose me and say it's wrong. That is such crap...I have been shown more kindness and love by those who oppose Christ than the charlatans posing as wolves in sheep clothing.
Do you have any idea how outright disturbing that is to me?
Where is this love of Christ?
It's not my faith in Jesus that is wavering...it's just my ability to even trust that other followers are sincere...it's so easy to live in a bubble and judge the world...but this isn't my goal.
I want to love Christ and have that love overflow so perpetually that is overwhelms...that is catches my breath in every way it does...and that maybe it will for others.
It has something...I find amazing and touching and moving in ways I haven't seen and felt in a while...
"These men who have turned the world upside down have now come here...they are all defying Caesar's decrees, saying that there is another king, one called Jesus."
-Acts 17:6-7
I miss that...fire to want to turn the world upside down with Love...the biggest accusations against the early church and the ones I want to be lambasted for. I want to be called a bastard, an atheist for defying the religious and daring to love EVERYONE, those who judge and hate me...as well as the "Least of these" those who would NEVER dare to believe that Jesus loves them for them...
I may be dangerous, I may be on the line of heresy...but unless Jesus loves everyone than I am starting to feel He may love no one. It's not my place to judge or say who is worthy, who is going to Hell and who is deserving...for none of us would have dared to chosen or dared to believe we could be loved...by the Lover.
I refuse to let bigotry or religious/pious double speak be my focus...I want it to be pure love, love that cuts deep and goes beyond words...and is merely my faith being poetry in motion.
I'm going to be visiting with some friends of theirs who live what I can most politely say as being "alternative" lifestyles...and you know what? Jesus would be there, Jesus will be there.
"We have to prove that our love is real, over and over again.
But let them think what they want cause I know It'll never end.
Cause I know when it began.
And my heart still pumps twice as fast whenever You walk by.
Cause I still love you.
So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."
-Blindside, "Silence"
Sunday, December 13, 2009
Awake...?
Mostly replied to emails I got...if I missed you email me again please.
So...so...tired and sore.
Have been napping since I got in.
I do not recall much of last night.
There was some Taco Bell and tea.
They took me to a LARP that was a vampire theme.
It was actually enjoyable and I saw some incredibly nice people who were awesome actors. Don't know if I would ever do something like this because of my lack of acting skills...much more confident in the table top and online RPG RP'ing.
Coming back it was raining on the snow so I slipped and landed perfectly on my back. Still hurting bad.
Need sleep...but more than that rest.
I wish I had a church I could go to...that felt like home.
Some place I'm longing for but have never really...ever seen.
I escaped and came here to...leave it behind...all the thoughts and fears and doubts...but somehow they followed me up I-65. Somehow I am still imperfect even though I keep breaking my back on my self perfected ways...
My heart and mind are still...
Home...*sigh*
"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one.
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home,
that's where the hurt is.
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
So...so...tired and sore.
Have been napping since I got in.
I do not recall much of last night.
There was some Taco Bell and tea.
They took me to a LARP that was a vampire theme.
It was actually enjoyable and I saw some incredibly nice people who were awesome actors. Don't know if I would ever do something like this because of my lack of acting skills...much more confident in the table top and online RPG RP'ing.
Coming back it was raining on the snow so I slipped and landed perfectly on my back. Still hurting bad.
Need sleep...but more than that rest.
I wish I had a church I could go to...that felt like home.
Some place I'm longing for but have never really...ever seen.
I escaped and came here to...leave it behind...all the thoughts and fears and doubts...but somehow they followed me up I-65. Somehow I am still imperfect even though I keep breaking my back on my self perfected ways...
My heart and mind are still...
Home...*sigh*
"And I know it aches, how your heart it breaks
You can only take so much
Walk on, walk on
Home, hard to know what it is if you've never had one.
Home, I can't say where it is but I know I'm going home,
that's where the hurt is.
And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on
Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"
Saturday, December 12, 2009
So Sleepy
I made it to Chicago.
We all took turns napping in the car and driving.
So sleepy.
Took the rental car back.
Came back to their apartment.
Brain is frazzled.
I think I'm baby sitting for half an hour but the cats are doing a better job watching than I.
I feel less stress and it is nice.
There is snow!
I have emails I must reply to soon.
I have such wonderful friends that are too nice.
I have the feeling it'll be a challenging week...in ways I don't quite understand.
Profound thoughts must wait.
Jesus...help me sort it out over some sleep...I need a bit of grace to understand...
We all took turns napping in the car and driving.
So sleepy.
Took the rental car back.
Came back to their apartment.
Brain is frazzled.
I think I'm baby sitting for half an hour but the cats are doing a better job watching than I.
I feel less stress and it is nice.
There is snow!
I have emails I must reply to soon.
I have such wonderful friends that are too nice.
I have the feeling it'll be a challenging week...in ways I don't quite understand.
Profound thoughts must wait.
Jesus...help me sort it out over some sleep...I need a bit of grace to understand...
Friday, December 11, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"The road goes ever on and on Down from the door where it began. Now far ahead the Road has gone, And I must follow, if I can, Pursuing it with weary feet, Until it joins some larger way, Where many paths and errands meet. And whither then? I cannot say."
-Frodo Baggins
-Frodo Baggins
Thursday, December 10, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Grace is the light or electricity or juice or breeze that takes you from that isolated place and puts you with others who are as startled and embarrased and eventually grateful as you are to be there."
-Anne Lamott
-Anne Lamott
Breaking Point
I cannot handle the insanity in this house any longer.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.
I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.
It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.
I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.
I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.
Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.
I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...
It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.
My faith is so weak and dying.
It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.
I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.
I'm...falling out.
I have tolerated and lived with it for too long.
I do not know what normal is...I just know normal doesn't involve living around guns and being afraid of someone or something dying because people can't deal with and get their personal crap together.
I want to wash my hands of this mess and remove myself a hundred thousand miles away.
It rips my heart apart because every time, every damn time I think I am getting to where it feels things are better...that maybe we can be a family...this crap has to happen and I have to be terrified.
I don't know how...some...can live like this, I cannot.
I refuse to.
If I do not remove myself I will die one way or the other.
I can't function under this extreme stress.
I just am so tired of crying.
I'm so tired of being so mad.
I'm sick of this, I'm sick to death of feeling more alone by the second.
Happiness is a fleeting lie that will never remain.
Human touch is a bigger lie, making promises of comfort that are more temporal and dissipate in seconds.
I can't believe in the lies of family, of friends and love...
It feels like the biggest lie is from Jesus about how all this...is supposed to be something bigger.
My faith is so weak and dying.
It flows, it tosses and turns with my emotions revealing how shallow and fragile I am.
I'm supposed to pretend I am made of stone, that nothing can shake me...but I cannot hold things up by myself...how to hold things up and keep doing this...keep maintaining anything worthwhile.
I'm...falling out.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Men never do evil so completely and cheerfully as when they do it from a religious conviction."
- Blaise Pascal
- Blaise Pascal
Small Geeky Mantra
Emotion, yet peace.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.
Ignorance, yet knowledge.
Passion, yet serenity.
Chaos, yet harmony.
Death, yet the Force.
Tuesday, December 8, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“The self-assured believer is a greater sinner in the eyes of God than the troubled disbeliever”
-Soren Kierkegaard
-Soren Kierkegaard
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"Believing in God is as much like falling in love as it is making a decision. Love is both something that happens to you and something you decide upon."
— Donald Miller
— Donald Miller
Friday, December 4, 2009
"Something keeps me awake, something outside is stirring
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me
I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence
Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"
Through the dark and over the grass
The rabbits and snakes are concurring
They sing in the soil and bones rattle loud
They cry out as this they do see
Someone in those walls is suffering proud
For you are worth every ache within me
I don’t hear music, don’t hear anything
I see dirt, I see cement
What a troubled world it is when you’re outside arms length
It pulls out it’s teeth in dry irreverence
Come and find me on this floor
I am only a half, truth be told
Take away all the distance and say:
"my beloved, I’m here, and now you are whole"
If I turn and see your eyes in the dark I will know the blue in an instant
Never have they gone so far
Never has your face been distant
My life I will give you like a verse and a ring
I will be your only one
And what you ask of me will be yours until all is said and done
Your heart is a song that I hear Jesus sing
It comes over oceans to me
And the notes spell out messages in vibrant streams
And what’s written you show only me"
Thursday, December 3, 2009
Quote of the Day:
“When we see the face of God we shall know that we have always known it. He has been a party to, has made, sustained and moved moment by moment within, all our earthly experiences of innocent love.”
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
Funny Funny
After a long day with one or two very nice pick me ups...this video made me laugh...
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Va8Sh4Agr58&feature=rec-HM-r2
Wednesday, December 2, 2009
Bleeding out the Pain
So much and so little
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.
I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.
Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?
It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?
So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.
I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.
But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.
I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.
I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.
How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?
Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.
The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.
No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.
all in waves
and decrepit fallacies.
I purchased false notion
at the price of trust,
I feel my naivety
is returning
and is starting to bite at me.
Why do I entrust so much
to frail human hearts?
What masochistic part of me
refuses to allow me to cut off,
remove myself from this plague?
It's a struggle to maintain balance
and a fight to understand,
to process the why
and what is to come.
Why must hearts bleed
and everything
come by pain?
So tired,
so weak,
with nothing left
I simply coast on these waves
praying I find solace in solitude
and I can cut off every part of me
that ever was weak enough
to desire the need for others.
I would almost rather to in my ache
than to feel the razor blade of love
slicing deeper into my soul,
spilling my blood
and leaving nothing of me
as all drink their fill.
But surely I am being melodramatic,
it could not be so bad
to live
and be alive?
There is much to be grateful for
but oh so much I tire of.
I'm so sick of being a slave to others
and trusting their words
and their lies about caring.
I would rather this ocean
between my Love and me
be crossed
so I can find peace
and safety
from this temporal insanity.
I would rather forsake everything here
and never look back
then ever breath this air again
and feel the corrosion of my lungs.
How long much I ache,
much I cry,
much I long for
before I see You?
Nothing here is mine,
everything is dying
and I want nothing more.
The only prayer I have
is for freedom,
to feel the shackles of this sin
and this broken soul
broken so I can fly
and fly free to my Love.
No more pain
and no more shame,
just the unity
of the Loved with the Lover.
Tuesday, December 1, 2009
Monday, November 30, 2009
Quote of the Day:
"And what is worst of all is to advocate Christianity, not because it is true, but because it might be beneficial."
-T. S. Eliot
-T. S. Eliot
My Brain Hurts
Comments like this are one reason I'm so happy I somehow disabled the comments on this blog:
"My take on Rob Bell is that he is very interesting, but slightly dangerous. Like most post-moderns he loves to question everything and leave you with few answers.
The Emergent Church is just another spin of the old liberal bottle.
Be careful with this guy. He can lead you astray."
There is so much blatant ignorance in this statement that my brain is about to explode from the mass contradiction.
At what point is Jesus supposed to be served on a silver platter of simplicity?
Why in God's good name do people keep using the term 'liberal' in such a way it is supposed to be a dirty word and cause strife?
Why do people insist on acting like the terms 'post-modern' and 'Emergent Church' are actually defined? And that they are the ones with all the answers?
Bah...so silly to be upset over ignorance...but presumptuous attitudes irk me beyond belief.
"My take on Rob Bell is that he is very interesting, but slightly dangerous. Like most post-moderns he loves to question everything and leave you with few answers.
The Emergent Church is just another spin of the old liberal bottle.
Be careful with this guy. He can lead you astray."
There is so much blatant ignorance in this statement that my brain is about to explode from the mass contradiction.
At what point is Jesus supposed to be served on a silver platter of simplicity?
Why in God's good name do people keep using the term 'liberal' in such a way it is supposed to be a dirty word and cause strife?
Why do people insist on acting like the terms 'post-modern' and 'Emergent Church' are actually defined? And that they are the ones with all the answers?
Bah...so silly to be upset over ignorance...but presumptuous attitudes irk me beyond belief.
Sunday, November 29, 2009
Am I a Sell Out?
I just helped a friend in a anthropology class by filling out a survey about my thoughts and beliefs on death, Heaven, Hell, eternity and God.
It sucked because I had to put a limit on my words.
I do not think I did an adequate job in trying to express Jesus' love for us...and I just...that is the only thing that keeps me running. The One Thing that means everything to me and I cannot really put it into adequate words.
I can't describe love, eternity, hope, peace, Jesus and...all of this in the words I want to use.
I mean, I understand people being worried about going to Hell...but what about those already living this life spent in Hell? They do not feel the presence of God, they do not have clean drinking water, they are dying of cancer or AIDS...I mean...I just think it is possible having our focus on million dollar evangelism campaigns while neglecting the hungry and cold is being negligent.
I do not feel comfortable going up to random strangers and telling them Jesus loves them because they do not know me or have had a chance to see the Jesus inside of me. I have been told by God to talk to people and tell them about Jesus and it was weird...and strange how eternity can come to a head in such a vivid way...but I almost feel that is the exception and not the standard...for me at least.
Truth be told...I just am selfish and want to run away.
If God gave me the option I would leave all of you right now.
I cannot begin to express the ache in my soul that comes from being apart from my Love and how the only time life makes sense is when I feel that...presence of love. The Lamb whispering and speaking softly to my soul.
That is what eternity will be.
Being with my Love and having my vision cleansed from the lies I tell to justify myself.
My personal Hell is overcoming the lies that life does not matter and has no meaning. That I do not matter and have no meaning.
Studying and learning about so many horrifying things in life...genocides, murder and people being ripped apart by life...I do not understand why I am whole at all and why I am alive when so many are not.
I feel the need to justify my existence, to somehow explain why it is ME who lives and not a thousand others.
Thanks be to Jesus who puts us all on equal footing.
I do not love tradition or religion...I love God and feel such pining in my heart for peace that I will never be able to put into words.
I do not know what I believe about everything but I know I am clinging so desperately to Jesus and the love he bore with a cross.
The blood that forgives and cleanses my soul...that makes life so much more beautiful.
I am going to make an effort to stop trying to understand everything...and try to be grateful...for this love. Maybe it's the wrong choice but...I want to feel this peace...I want to know what it means to feel the Love that reaches through eternity course through my body and soul.
Everything is dying...and I'm ready to feel it more...more...more...
It's all I need, the only thing I understand and the only thing I can and will.
It sucked because I had to put a limit on my words.
I do not think I did an adequate job in trying to express Jesus' love for us...and I just...that is the only thing that keeps me running. The One Thing that means everything to me and I cannot really put it into adequate words.
I can't describe love, eternity, hope, peace, Jesus and...all of this in the words I want to use.
I mean, I understand people being worried about going to Hell...but what about those already living this life spent in Hell? They do not feel the presence of God, they do not have clean drinking water, they are dying of cancer or AIDS...I mean...I just think it is possible having our focus on million dollar evangelism campaigns while neglecting the hungry and cold is being negligent.
I do not feel comfortable going up to random strangers and telling them Jesus loves them because they do not know me or have had a chance to see the Jesus inside of me. I have been told by God to talk to people and tell them about Jesus and it was weird...and strange how eternity can come to a head in such a vivid way...but I almost feel that is the exception and not the standard...for me at least.
Truth be told...I just am selfish and want to run away.
If God gave me the option I would leave all of you right now.
I cannot begin to express the ache in my soul that comes from being apart from my Love and how the only time life makes sense is when I feel that...presence of love. The Lamb whispering and speaking softly to my soul.
That is what eternity will be.
Being with my Love and having my vision cleansed from the lies I tell to justify myself.
My personal Hell is overcoming the lies that life does not matter and has no meaning. That I do not matter and have no meaning.
Studying and learning about so many horrifying things in life...genocides, murder and people being ripped apart by life...I do not understand why I am whole at all and why I am alive when so many are not.
I feel the need to justify my existence, to somehow explain why it is ME who lives and not a thousand others.
Thanks be to Jesus who puts us all on equal footing.
I do not love tradition or religion...I love God and feel such pining in my heart for peace that I will never be able to put into words.
I do not know what I believe about everything but I know I am clinging so desperately to Jesus and the love he bore with a cross.
The blood that forgives and cleanses my soul...that makes life so much more beautiful.
I am going to make an effort to stop trying to understand everything...and try to be grateful...for this love. Maybe it's the wrong choice but...I want to feel this peace...I want to know what it means to feel the Love that reaches through eternity course through my body and soul.
Everything is dying...and I'm ready to feel it more...more...more...
It's all I need, the only thing I understand and the only thing I can and will.
Base Elemental
Impression,
feeling and falling.
So many half formed lies
reaching out
to devour sanity
and rearticulate
just what it means to be human.
Frost in the frozen grass cuts
and makes moving out of this place
just more and more difficult
and I'm so sick
of this all being made
and defined
simply by your whims.
There is some logic
some sort of
meaning to be found
but the more I hear
the less I believe
and the more I carry
the harder it is to live today.
I'm ready for it all to catch flame
and burn away.
The temporal burned to its base elements
and so I can see
and be gleeful
and know,
just know
how false
and how pretentious
this facade always was.
I want to know the villian behind the curtain
and see how human evil is,
to see the unseen shadows of my soul
and know the one I'm afraid
is the image on the wall,
the silvery glass
that only shows the lies we show it
and then I can begin to know,
just know how little I know
and start to realize
I am lost.
And what it means
to be stripped down
and have my soul
be freed from this
frozen burden.
I want to know what it is like
to see my soul cut open
and have the bare elements,
the base of who I am
just float to the top.
Every second apart
is killing me
and I loose touch with life
while wanting
to dream
and loose this discord.
While I want to close my eyes
and leave behind strife,
the lies of every commercial
and I want to loose this all.
Loose everything
and sink back into Your arms.
feeling and falling.
So many half formed lies
reaching out
to devour sanity
and rearticulate
just what it means to be human.
Frost in the frozen grass cuts
and makes moving out of this place
just more and more difficult
and I'm so sick
of this all being made
and defined
simply by your whims.
There is some logic
some sort of
meaning to be found
but the more I hear
the less I believe
and the more I carry
the harder it is to live today.
I'm ready for it all to catch flame
and burn away.
The temporal burned to its base elements
and so I can see
and be gleeful
and know,
just know
how false
and how pretentious
this facade always was.
I want to know the villian behind the curtain
and see how human evil is,
to see the unseen shadows of my soul
and know the one I'm afraid
is the image on the wall,
the silvery glass
that only shows the lies we show it
and then I can begin to know,
just know how little I know
and start to realize
I am lost.
And what it means
to be stripped down
and have my soul
be freed from this
frozen burden.
I want to know what it is like
to see my soul cut open
and have the bare elements,
the base of who I am
just float to the top.
Every second apart
is killing me
and I loose touch with life
while wanting
to dream
and loose this discord.
While I want to close my eyes
and leave behind strife,
the lies of every commercial
and I want to loose this all.
Loose everything
and sink back into Your arms.
Saturday, November 28, 2009
"To have found You, and still be looking for You,
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me."
Looking for and missing the Divine,
to hear the whispers of the Muse
no matter how faint she is
or the distance the news must travel.
Longing to know
to hear
and feel
what it is to be united,
reunited with the feelings
of blissful love.
It's "the soul's paradox of love."
You fill my cup, I lift it up for more.
I won't stop now that I'm free.
I'll be chasing You
Like You chase me."
Looking for and missing the Divine,
to hear the whispers of the Muse
no matter how faint she is
or the distance the news must travel.
Longing to know
to hear
and feel
what it is to be united,
reunited with the feelings
of blissful love.
"And so with the dawn You’ve come
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost
I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"
Eye to eye with nothing in between but this fragile glass
Your lips move again
I try but I can’t detect the vibrations in the air
How I’ve longed to inhale Your breath
It’s still early and I see your words getting caught
In the window slowly turning into frost
I see Your hand move and I can’t detain
Scraping down a word I can’t explain
I think I’ve known you all along
Just lost Your face in the crowd for awhile
I think I have been holding my breath all my life
Can I exhale and go into exile
Ask me now and I’ll run away with You"
Winter Rains
So close
yet so far
every movement forward
is just me falling back
and loosing
just loosing momentum
and hoping on hope
that may never arrive
as I keep falling back
and loosing sight
of every site,
every vista
that once caught my eye.
I'm at a loss for words
as I hear maybes
and less concerting phrases
and I know
I'm getting lost again
in everything
and nothing
all at once.
I would say I could
just sit here all day
letting the red roses blossom
and wither in the cold
just like the beats of my heart
but then I would simply be lying.
My heart is too weak to feel
and I flutter and fall
as I'm shaken by this wind
and all in all
I hoping for hope,
just the barest snatch of freedom
as the wind blows
and rain glistens
as it falls.
yet so far
every movement forward
is just me falling back
and loosing
just loosing momentum
and hoping on hope
that may never arrive
as I keep falling back
and loosing sight
of every site,
every vista
that once caught my eye.
I'm at a loss for words
as I hear maybes
and less concerting phrases
and I know
I'm getting lost again
in everything
and nothing
all at once.
I would say I could
just sit here all day
letting the red roses blossom
and wither in the cold
just like the beats of my heart
but then I would simply be lying.
My heart is too weak to feel
and I flutter and fall
as I'm shaken by this wind
and all in all
I hoping for hope,
just the barest snatch of freedom
as the wind blows
and rain glistens
as it falls.
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
“The problem with writing about religion is that you run the risk of offending sincerely religious people, and then they come after you with machetes.”
-Dave Barry
-Dave Barry
Quote of the Day:
“Writing is a form of therapy; sometimes I wonder how all those, who do not write, compose, or paint can manage to escape the madness, the melancholia, the panic fear, which is inherent in a human condition”
-Graham Greene
-Graham Greene
Friday, November 27, 2009
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Happy Thanksgiving!
I'm not sure what a song about British/Irish political prisoners and criminals being shipped to Australia during the 19th century has to do with Thanksgiving...but it's a beautiful song all the same.
Hope all of you have a wonderful day.
Hope all of you have a wonderful day.
Wednesday, November 25, 2009
Jesus?
I don't know if I know You.
I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.
I haven't seen you in a while.
The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.
It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.
I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.
I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...
But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.
And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.
I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.
But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?
Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.
I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.
I haven't seen you in a while.
The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.
It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.
I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.
I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...
But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.
And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.
I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.
But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?
Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.
Forthcoming Collapse
Weary as the lies
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.
Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.
Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.
Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.
Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.
And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.
It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.
Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.
Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.
My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.
and fallacies
that drip from your tongue,
my soul is run ragged
just from the maze
of your indecipherable mind
and I'm starting
to simply just fade.
Apathy,
sweet wine
and cauterizing poison
drowning my soul.
Love,
bitter pain
rip open these sores
and pull me awake.
Every twist of this turn
is leading me
and pulling me,
dragging me along with you
and I don't know
and haven't cared.
I just want to know
what you mean
when you say
and how you feel
what you mean
because altogether
it means nothing to me.
Words are just words
and God knows I hate this fake season
as much as everyone else
but to my heart
there is a special place
for over hypocrisy.
Just be honest
when you shove that dagger
deeper in my back
and maybe
we can just learn to be
the best of all kinds of friends.
And I can lay here
and enjoy the feelings of mercy
as they drip away from me
and I sort of just loose myself
like I've been trying to for years.
It's like everything said
and everything never meant
were the words and the deeds
that push along my soul being rendered
as my insides get put up for display
in these gardens you maintain.
Blood making payments to the grass
being a new soil
mixing with foreign regrets
and everything new
as life is cast and directed
to revolve around you.
Pale metaphors
barely renown
as they fall
making place
and biting their tongues
as I resume this silence.
My integrity sold by the yard
as I look back into silence
and another stay in exile.
Maybe I'll get lost this time
and never seek to return.
If there is justice
none shall see me again
and I'll fade back into the night
from which I came
and no more pain
shall issue forth
from these cracked lips
and the twisted nether
of my broken soul.
Monday, November 23, 2009
Sunday, November 22, 2009
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Little Song Bird
Compromise, your name is mine.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.
I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.
Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.
No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.
In a lot of ways effort feels like too much...
To scale this mountain of insecurity
and doubt of myself
which means I could never understand
or try to show love.
I paralyze myself into indecisive,
because I drink this poison.
I drink my shame and guilt
just so savor the pain
so I can record it here
in a shrine filled with derelict trophies.
Full of mottled feathers
that hold stories
and no gain.
Is it better to make a proactive deicion at once
instead of doing nothing forever?
I don't know what other decision to make
because to push foward into silence
and into pain
feels so counterintuitive.
It's not my choice to say no
but hearing silence speak so loud
almost makes the unspoken words
just ring through my mind.
That I'm reading into nothing,
secret messages not for me
and poor theology that would never sing.
No one can judge a human heart
or see what is inside.
Only God is privy to the how's and why's.
come down from your perch
oh little song bird
and let us look eye to eye.
Maybe as equals,
if not as walking companions
but maybe just fools in the rain
trying to understand
while we question the unfathomable.
Friday, November 20, 2009
Note to self:
Call Dr.Taylor at ten on Monday to see about setting up class schedule.
Nine hours, three classes.
Hooray.
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.
TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:
English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE
English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--
Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR
Nine hours, three classes.
Hooray.
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
Potential class schedule:
NT 521.40 - NEW TESTAMENT INTRODUCTION (3 Hours) 600pm - 855pm ----R-- Taylor, C.
TS 531.40 - SYSTEMATIC THEOLOGY (3 Hours) 600pm-855pm --T---- Robertson
** ** ** ** **
** ** ** ** **
List of fun classes I want to do for kicks and giggles:
English 331.90 - (Advanced Composition) (3 Hours) ONLINE
English 421.01 SPECIAL TOPICS IN AMERICAN LIT AMERICAN REALISM AND NATURALISM 3 930am-1055am --T-R--
Philosophy 401 D1/English 400 HERMENEUTICS/Critical Theory (3 hours) 1100am-1225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Philosophy 412 01 MORAL PHILOSOPHY AND ETHICS (3 hours) 100pm-225pm --T-R-- (Mashburn)
Music 181.7/482.7 - BASS GUITAR
Sick again.
My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.
Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.
I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.
My heart is just as diseased as the rest of my body.
Only my Love can preserve and redeem this soul.
I with the rest of this would just die so I could be free of this agony.
I want to persevere but Jesus it is so hard.
I feel more alone now than ever.
Just redeem me if I can
and cast me aside if I can't.
Love me Lover.
As only Your infinite grace can.
Thursday, November 19, 2009
I can't focus enough to even try working on my novel...thank God I won't be here this weekend and I will barely be online at all.
I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.
If I get back into school God help my future roommates.
I can't focus.
I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.
I'm sick of this room...this cell that I have spent the past two years in mostly isolation in. I've seen more of myself then I ever wanted to and can barely remember how to socialize.
If I get back into school God help my future roommates.
I can't focus.
I'm tired...but I'm not.
I'm stressed but not too bad.
I'm excited about going to see Donald Miller tonight and eating a taco at my favorite Mexican restaurant.
I wish I better understood...but I can't.
So it will have to be okay.
Quote of the Day:
"Human beings, who are almost unique in having the ability to learn from the experience of others, are also remarkable for their apparent disinclination to do so."
-Douglas Adams
-Douglas Adams
Wednesday, November 18, 2009
Cyclic Nature
So it begins again.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...
I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?
I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...
Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.
Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...
Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?
No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.
I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.
You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.
There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.
My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.
I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.
I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.
I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.
I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.
I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.
This cycle of how much I hate myself.
All over stuff that is trivial dust in the wind...
I'm so tired...I hurt so badly right.
Why...why the hell do I want things I can't have?
I shouldn't have?
I'm so sick of me...sick of bleeding out my soul and falling fast and hard for no reason just to have my heart crushed with the vice grips of apathy.
Whose fault is it?
Mine for trying too hard and caring...
Flying too close to the sun...
I hate the me that is,
the me that falls into this trap
and makes the mistake
that things are good
and there are happy endings
in this hellish wasteland
where the only hope is in the beyond.
Any good is ripped apart shortly thereafter...
So many things...so little....
The combination...so fleeting...
Can you see?
Do you feel?
Would it matter if the time was split asunder
and every moment between now and infinity
was brought close
and I placed it in your hand?
No one knows what I'm talking about
because I don't.
There are so many thoughts screaming through my head
that I can't sort them out.
All of these dead people who will not be silent
and all of the blood on my soul
screaming out convictions
that only Jesus can take away.
But He can't
because I can't let go long enough.
I hate myself so much I make myself suffer
which is the grand irony of this all.
I want to feel the lungs empty
I want an end
a real resolution.
I want so desperately for a happy ending
that cannot exist
because in so many ways I do not.
You say happy and I don't know what that means
I just know my soul is heavy
and there is a burden which will not leave.
The more I speak of it
the least it makes sense.
There is no healing in Gilead,
no balm
and no healing for the soul.
Living in this house for two years
has been perugatory and Hell.
My soul has found no resolution
just a reptition
of the pain
and the tears
that can't be wiped away.
I just want,
you to care
but that is stupid
because I'm talking to a blank wall.
How can you converse with someone not here?
How can they hear?
How will they respond?
It is merely a useless vanity,
a repition of my voice
because I love myself more than these
and will never bow until I break
and I won't break until I weep.
I try to leave it but I can't.
Every last part of my soul needs to be purged.
I feel so sick,
my body's nerve cells scream in protest an intense pain
and I just want to lay down and die
because that would be preferable
to suffering endlessly
in this circle
and repeating
and falling
and everlasting
hopeless night of the dark soul
looking for a light that isn't there.
I can look to you,
the mere vanity,
a human like you for hope
but there is none in your kind.
I left the human race years ago
when my innocence was a flame
that was quenced by those
drunk off their power
and I lost who I was
to the cruelty
and lack of understanding.
I am.
I am me
and will be
until something changes again
and then you will look
and try to see and find me
but I'll be gone.
I want this dark soul to die
and I want my works to burn
and be my funeral pyre,
so that everything I was
will be blown into the wind
and the nothingness in me
will simple be
and all that is will be
and all in all
it is nothing.
Gaaaaaaaaaaaargh!
0f course bloody decorating the Christmas tree would make me miss a VITAL phone call!!!!
...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/
...it's okay Chuck...I feel your pain man... =/
A Lost Verse for Your Time
Endless spaces devoid,
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.
The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.
Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.
If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.
Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.
I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.
How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?
It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.
Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.
expunged of meaning
by a jet black heart.
"Meaningless, utterly meaningless!" cries the teacher
as I seek to expose this fallacy,
the lies I wear on my sleeve.
The only person who believe me
was the sickly face in the mirror,
too pale to be alive
and too dead to care about such trifles.
Every dream I chased,
every fallacy I lived
is this song
I've sung
since the beginning.
Hallowed desecration
is my specialty
because none can know the truth
for I believed every lie I spouted.
If only it were as simple of a matter
as killing this weak and fetid thing,
letting it starve to death
in the isolated chamber it grew in,
to let it decay
and instead
of letting it finish transforming
into the fel beast it is to become.
Dreams twisted,
nether things,
hopeless thoughts of the divine
while I plummet
falling and bleeding
from the heights from which I disgraced
with the profane of my soul.
Such vile lies,
such twisted truth,
all for my sake
and the lies I told
just to keep you safe.
I love myself enough to worship myself
and hated you just enough
to factor you into my plans
until it meant
reality had to rear its head
and cause everything I believed
to be consumed in flames.
How can I believe such falseness?
What weight is this I carry?
It's all entwined
caught up in your name
as I try to flee from here.
Never have I saw this as I do now
how fairly unconcerned I am with all
unless it factors into my game
and how things must revolve around me.
Mercy I cry,
mercy I need
as it's grace that I will plea
and love I thirst for
as I lay here in this darkest night
being baptize in hues of gray.
Broken Alabaster jars
as I long to be
long to be more than just this mud
and for this heart
to be formed from more than just clay.
One day...
One day I will stop sticking my foot in my mouth.
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...
Sadly today is not that day.
God I just wish my brain had a delete button.
Oh good grief...
Two Things I'm Giving Up:
1.Food - Every time I have eaten this week I've gotten sicker.
2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.
2.Song Writing - I try but I CAN'T play freaking chords on a guitar. I have bass so ingrained in my mind all I can do is play notes. That does not lend itself to song writing and what few examples I have of my effort are such God awful that I think Jesus would rather me worship Him with my devoted silence then cause ears to bleed with my poor poetry set to even worse song.
"Jesus my heart is all i have to give to you, so weak and so unworthy,
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
this simply will not do, no alabaster jar, no diamond in the rough,
for your body that was broken, how can this be enough?
by me you were abandoned, by me you were betrayed,
yet in your arms and in your heart forever i have stayed
Your glory illuminates my life, and no darkness will descend,
for you have loved me forever, and your love will never end"
Stone Heart, Broken and Bleeding
Compromise I shan't,
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.
Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.
It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.
You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.
I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.
every offer
and counter offer my soul makes
I would rather just be
here alone
in pale solitude
than to barter my soul
for something of lesser value.
Who I am
cannot be
anything eternal
for my heart bleeds
and aches like yours
but who I am
is simply
another of a long line
of those purchased
at bulk discount
but who also
have their heart again
and have been freed
to live and love
like you may never know.
It's all pretensions
and seemingly nonsense
about how the temporal
can approach the eternal
but the thought is backwards
because it is not I
but outside of me
from where Love comes.
It is the Spirit
touching
stirring
convicting
loving
and raising back to life.
You can't see this
and I know not why
for all the light
from the sun
is ours to share
and rejoice under,
just try and see
how I can mean
what I say
and hope
to believe
that life is never this
but what may come to be
and never just what
we can only see
but what the heart longs for
in the darkest of nights.
I can't stop living
and pushing forward,
longing for this heart
to beat more
and faster,
just to feel You walk by
and speak my name
just once more
and know,
just know this isn't a dream
but that the eternal sunrise
is ours to share
and that the beauty
is never temporal
but just a gateway
a sign
for what is to come.
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
"Our selfishness consumes us
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"
Until the whole world is not enough
Forgive the day that I erased your name
that I erased your name
For it's the memory of me that will decay
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone
I know you are the forsaken
Yet somehow we are the ones who feel alone"
Note for the Noveling Battle Friend
20k...I hope you know I'm proud of you for making a comeback.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.
There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.
Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.
The easiest thing in the world is to quite when you are behind...
The hardest thing is looking your own fear and doubt in the mirror...and choosing to press on past the voice of self defeating ridicule...and those in your past who were too stupid to realize how unique and talented you are.
There is no bad story because it comes from your heart, it is what you are...and what you pull out is a part of you and the final product will be different...but it is still a part of you as any child may be.
Good luck and feel free to send some more taunts when you catch up to where I am.
Observation of the day:
Including Samuel L. Jackson in any film automatically makes the film utterly ridiculous, epic mind you, but utterly ridiculous all the same.
In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.
In the movie based of my life I want him to play the role of my big brother.
Quote of the Day
“The really unhappy person is the one who leaves undone what they can do, and starts doing what they don't understand; no wonder they come to grief.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Beloved, Dissonance is our Calling Card
You spoke and I listen.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.
I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.
I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.
Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.
You cried and I walked away.
With every gesture
every back and forth move
we share in this dance
I can't help but fall down.
I never can speak what I mean
or ever mean what I say
because sharing love
is like watching my sun
fall down early every day
and feeling what it means,
just exactly what it means to die again.
I can sit here and watch the sunset
longing to hear from You
but all I can do is wait
and try to listen.
I can lay here in pain
longing to feel You again
but all in all
every day is empty
as I search these wastes
longing for my Love.
Red light falling harsh
painting hues with blood
and the regret in my soul.
I never knew to love was pain
but Divine Love is crushing
as much as it is intoxicating
and the substance I'm drunk off of
while I wait,
longing just to hear
and feel You again.
Religious Acrobatics
In so many ways ministerial work reminds me of The Wizard of Oz.
There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.
For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.
Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.
If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.
The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?
I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.
There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.
I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.
Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.
I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...
There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.
For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.
Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.
If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.
The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?
I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.
There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.
I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.
Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.
I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...
"You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"
Finding Soul in this Ache
Baffling, babbling and more
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.
Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.
Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.
Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.
as we go along
with what we've always known.
Dissenting, disconcerting
and fear,
fear of what it would be like
to travel beside you
and know what's in your mind.
Just another bit of fear
about learning who I am
and where none of us stand in this place.
Reciprocating as I feel,
just feel the arms of the Divine
as I lay here
wanting to escape
from these chains
this prison
but mostly
run far away from me.
Trepidation,
just fear of what I've become
with every moment
and every breath I take
while separated from You.
I can't breath while in pain
and all I can do
is hope
about hoping
while trying to fall
just endlessly into Love
and find grace,
purely refined grace
and this sacred
and holy place
where we can be one
and unified
and lost in the beauty
as I struggle to see
and fight of this blindness.
Let me feel
Let me see
Let me heal
and just let me be
while I stumble down this path
and not know my left from my right
and let me find only You.
Monday, November 16, 2009
"You say I took the name in vain
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"
I don't even know the name
But if I did, well really, what's it to you?
There's a blaze of light
In every word
It doesn't matter which you heard
The holy or the broken Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah
I did my best, it wasn't much
I couldn't feel, so I tried to touch
I've told the truth, I didn't come to fool you
And even though
It all went wrong
I'll stand before the Lord of Song
With nothing on my tongue but Hallelujah
Hallelujah, Hallelujah"
My Own Price
Apathy kill my heart,
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.
Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.
indulge me as I indulge you.
Just take me and make me
everything I'm not
and everything I can't be
just so I can feel the feelings
of cutting inside
and having my heart bleed.
Make me live so strong
that the flame expands
filling every crevice
as the time passes
within and the ebb catches
and carries us all.
White Washed Soul
Why are you here tonight?
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.
Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.
Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.
Go.
Go far, far away,
Back to the nether from which you were spawned.
Neither hope or longing
you are merely despair wrapped in clothing
and never a hope's own dawning.
Flee.
Walk or limp while you still can
while my cares are meaningless
just like these contrived verses
as I hope to spell out
what only poetry every can.
Aching and longing
mixed with hope
but not for this
or anything in your realm
or the orbit of your persona
just a mild case of bliss
and of laying here moaning
longing for the day this pain
and every split nerve ends
along with this monotonous
dialogue
of conversing
with this blank wall.
Sunday, November 15, 2009
Observation of the Day:
When someone reaches the point of eating a piece of cake spitefully it is safe to admit that something might possibly be wrong.
Quote of the Day:
“We do not have to visit a madhouse to find disordered minds; our planet is the mental institution of the universe.”
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
-Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Flowing Red, Painted Pictographs
My soul lays open
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.
Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.
Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.
I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.
dissected and flayed
on display as a cheap gimmick,
just like the cheap grace
I throw back
and act as though is was mine
in this first and primary place.
Every beat of this degenerate heart
is a beat so much closer
to be captured in Your hand
and the act of a final divorce
from this land of waking death.
Vagrant and degenerate
this heart wonders as it wanders
and I'm brought back to silence,
at the ineptitude of man and machine
as I try to find where I belong.
I just want this beat to end
and this song to finish
so I can wake to find
this eternal end to eternal grays
and the everlasting sunlight painted
in such a way only You can.
Saturday, November 14, 2009
Quote of the Day - Part Two:
"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly be broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket — safe, dark, motionless, airless — it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable. The alternative to tragedy, or at least to the risk of tragedy, is damnation. The only place outside of Heaven where you can be perfectly safe from all the dangers and perturbations of love is Hell."
-C.S. Lewis
-C.S. Lewis
After last night...I have some serious doubts about people lodged in my head now...I don't want to be rude...and I hope this doesn't hurt or offend...I just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
I'm not sure I trust anyone now.
That revelation was a bit too much for my mind...
I just...
I doubt I can phrase it into words.
Or make logical sense.
My failure was in putting faith in frail humans.
That is my sin.
I continue to trust and invest my heart and it will continue to be ripped to shreds because it has no cover.
I do not know how to protect it because all I know is to give myself as genuinely as I can.
And that is part of my sin.
Part of the punishment I deserve for my weakness.
How can I...
Why should...
Is it...plausible...when...
It is all half formed thoughts.
Poorly phrased.
Pain induced.
I go up so high and come crashing down so low.
Sometimes...some days...
Just...
Half Way
This novel in a month idea grows more insane every time I do it.
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
I'm halfway through the word quota minimum and it has never has happened this early in the month before. I'm not sure how I feel about the plot or the story...but things are starting to take off in ways. Being able to throw random characters, chunks of plot and random dialogue on these pages and seeing some sort of semblance of order take shape is always startling.
So far I have written 25,028 words which roughly equals out to forty-six pages single spaced. All in just under fourteen days.
Wow.
Some of it is the crappiest writing I have ever done but more than a few scenes have shocked me at how good they turned out.
I think I'm going to be able to hit the 50k mark early and pressed beyond it by maybe 5-15k and I have the hope that I may be able to salvage a good part of this book for later use. This has been such an incredible month.
My health has been up and down like crazy, my stress levels have been through the roof...but my best friends have been there holding me up and cheering me on. They have been questioning every major decision to make sure I'm doing what I need to be doing...and I just want you to know I appreciate it.
Getting phone calls and emails asking about my word count, asking how the school search is going...and then encouraging me along the path and letting me know that I'm on the right path. That is something I have needed...just right words at the right time and they go a long way.
The idea of me doing something not just for the right reasons in a high moral sense...but also because it will make me happy is an idea I'm still trying to wrap my mind around. It feels sort of selfishly indulgent...but as 'fun' as senselessly berating myself is...actually taking the time to find our who I am, where I am going...and how I can learn to be more effective with the gifts I've been given...well sometimes taking a proactive step forward is the best thing one can do at any given moment.
I can never stay on focus while writing because I have too many thoughts coming out at once...but I think I'm heading in a right direction...it's not something I can really claim credit for. I'm just a sort of lanky vagabond bumbling my way around and Jesus keeps filling in the gaps of my path so I don't plummet completely off this world.
I'm going to keep writing until the day the pen falls out of my hand.
I'm going to keep learning until my eyes fall closed for the last time.
I'm going to keep speaking until my voice is forever gone.
The most any of us can do is follow our conscious and the convictions painted on our hearts by the Divine Lover and throw everything on the line in the name of love and lay our lives down for one another.
"But remember the root command: Love one another."
-John 15:17
"Are you crawling through the dismal?
Gray of nothing,
frostbite kills.
Does this world make light of weaving,
shrouds to bury,
graves to fill?
I am just a kindred spirit,
a runner who is running still.
Welcome to the longest mile,
the most costly thing you'll ever hold,
wonderful is the journey,
the greatest story ever told.
All my dreams are slowly dying.
I can count my years in scars.
The only One that's never left me,
has carried me so very far.
I've heard it said that He wastes nothing,
so beautiful to behold,
the Author of my hope is writing,
the greatest story ever told."
-Five Iron Frenzy, "The Greatest Story Ever Told"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
