Religious Acrobatics

In so many ways ministerial work reminds me of The Wizard of Oz.

There are flashy lights, tacky looking sunglasses, big projection screens and small guys hiding behind screens throwing levers.

For some people there is this fear of what may be out there...so we all need to wear glasses so we're not blinded by the brilliant glimmer of green light in our own personal Emerald Cities. It's really easy to see what you want to when the glasses you have on just show a person the only color they don't find offensive.

Someway and somehow ministers are supposed to be perfect beings, walking straight lines, always doing the right thing, can solve any problem and are willing to throw their families and personal relationship to God in the fire just for their flocks.

If Christianity in the Americas isn't going to fold like a bad card table it has become there needs to be some sort of reexamination of what the priorities are and what we expect from those who draw the short stick and get shoved to the front of the line to act as leaders.

The more I think about this the less any of it make sense.
Jesus tore down man built religious tradition.
As soon as Christianity became legal in the Roman Empire tradition sprang up.
A lot of Christian thought was mixed with the celebration of pagan holidays to attract people to 'our side'.
Somehow following a group of people is to be preferred to that of individual faith?
How is this group think, herd mentality supposed to work with Jesus?

I just want to help people.
I want to tell people Jesus loves them.
But for some reason I feel bound by church buildings and tradition.
It's as if I am not going to do anything until I get the approval of my peers and a fat bonus to go along with all my hard work.
America is supposed to be the land of the self sufficient but the whole idea of being independent is a just a farce to cover up our need to follow the leader more closely than any other country.

There is no need for me to wait to find a church or a religious institute but my heart is so afraid of being right.
I'm afraid of Jesus loving me.
I'm afraid of helping people by telling them that Jesus loves them.
I'm afraid of sacrificing my pride, my selfish desire and my plans by surrendering and letting Him control me.

I say how much I hate church games but mentally speaking I'm still playing one.
The only difference is I'm sitting outside the building while trying to figure out where everyone went.

Ultimately if I can do some good, if I can help someone, if I can sacrifice myself and my comfort and in someway...Jesus can use my egomania to give someone hope...that is worth any price.

I'm so tired of me...me...everything revolving around this...