Falling, Falling...

In so many words I just wish God would open the heavens and direct me to someplace like he did the prophets in the Old Testament and the Apostles in the New Testament.

It feels like every time I have 'felt' God tell me to go somewhere...things have blown up in my face in one way or another.

I'm still rather baffled about being in Chicago.
This has been...actually relaxing...I've enjoyed meeting new people (despite cultural, religious and philosophical differences being so extreme at times) and it wasn't uncomfortable.

The thing that makes me upset is that these beautiful people would not be accepted by most Christians and churches I know. Because of the lifestyles, beliefs and language they use...this would make the majority of the people I know that are 'good' Christians uncomfortable enough to ignore them.

For those keeping score at home, yes this is irony because I am making both assumption and judgment based upon previous experience...but honestly I can hear the conversations in my head.


It would take place at a circle table at church, people asking for prayer for such 'poor, ungodly people' for their unspeakable sins they commit. Why is prayer seemingly always turned into this chance for gossip?

Value judgments aside, where did this asinine assumption of superiority come from?

Growing up, why were we always told to not make friends with non Christians? That if we're around 'bad' people they would rub off on us?

Where is Jesus to be found in that load of crap?

There is nothing to be found in gathering together with the same tired cliches and useless expressions of holiness. I keep going on about how I want to break down barriers but the biggest hurdle is my own judgmental heart full of sin and pain.





Every time I think I know where my Nineveh is...things change and keep changing...action and reaction...things are it's own every growing mess of confusion. I think maybe it's because of my skewed perception that I think I am lost.

I'm starting to believe I am here...right here, in this chair, in this apartment in a suburb of Chicago for a real reason. What that reason is...I know not and any absolute certainty at this point is sheer silliness.

It's like the people so enamored with being in love that they only see what they want to see...they only see people as being a means to their end...it's a shame I've been treating Jesus like this.

I'm alive for a reason, part of that is to actually enjoy life...along the way it is possible to learn to share my heart and mind with those around me...I just desperately need to find Christians I can spend time with that will drop the charades and just be themselves...I can't take being around religious bigots much more...it's been dangerous being around those who have lived outside the church...it's helping me see my own hypocrisies much more clearly.

I just wish this thorn of pride could be ripped out...and I could start loving freely instead based on a value system.

So many thoughts...would you believe hope is mixed in?
Even in my bitter jaded self...hope is wrapped in and around my lungs and heart as I look to the heavens and feel the music pouring into my soul and out my lips.

Hope lives and will thrive, it will let me laugh and smile and embrace those I love...

This isn't the end of anything, just the beginning of eternity.