Jesus?

I don't know if I know You.

I certainly don't recognize the Caucasian with the 'Aryan' tendencies for blond hair and blue eyes. I don't see you asking for money on the television nor do I hear you in increasingly crappy pop music.

I haven't seen you in a while.

The last time I saw you was in the eyes of a homeless guy who was desperate for money to fuel his next hit.

It was really awkward but I think I saw more of you in that conversation then in about ten years worth of crappy sermons and music that makes my soul more depressed.

I'm getting disturbed by the fact I'm finding more spiritual significance in Trent Reznor's music then I am in trying to find more 'uplifting' music. There is at least honesty in the darkness...compared to the false pretense of dark disguising as light.

I see hope.
It's not just all darkness...

But it's my own path I can't see at all.
I'm trying to be obedient...but every time I take a step in what I feel is the right direction...I get hurt.
Bad.

And now...Mobile?
Why?
Why am I returning to this place that makes me so afraid for my soul?
I would be less afraid in Las Vegas, San Fransisco, Las Angles or New York...because there my soul wouldn't grow complacent.
I wouldn't be forced to dine on this expired spiritual garbage.

I need honesty.
I want to walk into the darkness.
I need to feel that what I'm doing is relevant.
Hiding in the Christian subculture bubble isn't my calling.

But I've been sick in bed for two years...that was for a reason, right?
I've felt my heart turn to stone just to have it shattered...and feel it bleed so painfully...that was for a reason, right?
I feel closer to You but more far away than ever.
I want to cry because I can't feel the One I Love.
That is for a reason, right?

Help my weak faith.
It's the fetid, malnourished and dying creature.
Help me with my lack of faith.
Help me forget about myself...this pain overwhelming my senses.
I want to get lost in You.
I want to feel You...more intimately than before.
I want to scream until my lungs are numb because I would rather die in this Love than live another day numb in this gray land.