Oh you...

If you just knew how powerful your words were. One small word would have me transversing the highest heavens and the deepest caverns to find you. I've walked through so many valleys and for some reason you have been there at the top of most of them, just giving a small smile and a word of encouragement.

Keep this up and you may just have won me over before you knew it...

Cold Days Ahead

The future is as it always is, uncertain and dark with more then a simple touch of cold. It is hard to breath when there is no air, it is hard to thrive with life when you feel strong pressure to simply die.

It's not like I haven't considered this option before it is just most of the time it has seemed to be an utterly ridiculous notion with no basis, no real effect. Never before has it seemed like such a beautifully viable option, a simple solution to a life time of failures stacked upon each other. Cold and lifeless as this structure that is jokingly called a home, no sane human being could enjoy living here, no sane human being could desire this life here.

I have trouble with breathing, I would just like to lay down and embrace the raw darkness, no more hurt and no more pain.

Some Free Thoughts

I would like to sleep now, forever and a day. Sleep is something I normally despise because I do not like the blankness, the vulnerability, the waste of time, the emptiness that tends to surge upon my entrance into the new day.

Odd how I can take a simple pleasure billions of other people can enjoy and not only do I strip it of its joy but my mind twists and provides dark commentary as to why I do not like it.

Anyone can write about the evils of American foreign policy, anyone can point the finger at the corrupt Oil companies, it is quite easy to be bigoted towards something the rest of the world hates...so I do think it is rather admirable and might even say true punk for me to say down with the sleep and down with the aspects of our personal lives that are nothing more then little cancers we are nursing until they are given ample time to grow up and stab us bleeding into the heart.

There are admirable things in life, there are good things, there is happiness, there are smiles, there is a reason to celebrate, there are good reasons to live, good reasons to strive for life, there are purposes and so many other things but right now I do not care, I simply am to selfish and to caught up in my own personal drama to care.

When I write it is almost as if I can start to feel this connection to the whole of creation, there is the flow of words, this extension of myself, I feel some confusion, a little doubt...the words and worlds around me are nothing more then their own personal constructs made for the self glorification of one ego maniac after the next.

Thoughts upon thoughts upon desire upon the lack of control felt by us all. Some scream loud and others try to scream the loudest, just so they can appear to have fictional answers about why they deserve our adoration and worship. Self glorifying and narcissistic bastards, the lot of them.

New Year and New Day with Common Problems

The normal status quo is about the same. The question that must be asked is what shall I do with it and about it?

Making your own decisions for the first time is odd.

I'll need money for sure, health insurance won't hurt, food is good, water is better, creativity is a must and there must be so much of other things that I am not even sure what these 'things' might be exactly.

Old things really don't make me happy anymore, small stories and limited boxes are all they seem to be anymore. Empty constructs dependent on binary like every other computing machine. The inklings of humanity are indeed broad but are quite shallow in their soil.


Realizing the large world with near infinite possibility for the first time is quite terrifying. People settle for sub par things because the world scares the hell out of them and they have no clue how to respond to something so impossibly large. No wonder people are so miserable, we don't even reach a small percentage of the potential and happiness we could have.



I wish it could just be us two, no more of the headaches, no more separation by distance, no more of the entanglements of this broken world holding us back. No more broken visages and no more pretending to love you. I am so sick of this fake love I dance around, this pretending to love you while so much suffering goes on.

If you are more then just my imagination running wild I need to be able to see the path in front of me, even if it is just one step at a time. Any help would most certainly be appreciated and welcomed, every last shred of it will be taken to heart and exuberantly embraced.

Or so I say, at least until the next time I hurt, the next time cry, the next time things fall apart; then I will tear into you again screaming obscenity and cursing the fact I was ever made. It is absolutely amazing how easy it is to blame you for my failures when the only thing you have been responsible has been my success. You have loved and carried me beyond any possible understanding on my part. I want to breath but it is so hard, I want to walk forward but I can't even stand the weight of my own failures.

All I ever had was you, all I have ever wanted is you. Everything else I thought I wanted was just a desire to weak to realize what love is. My body is being ravaged by sin, by time and by failure. I'll have finished dying soon enough and then maybe we can see each other, maybe there will be a world without end that we can share. What is possible is only limited by the infinite love that you hold for me.

Another Night

It is funny how often I lay awake at night, my hands shaking from the anxiety of never sleeping, my eyes stinging from having run out of tears days ago, barely hearing the lies I tell everyone around me so I can hide from the world, the real funny thing is how often I just think of you. How I become enraptured by the smallest bit of attention you throw my way, my heart clings desperately to the smallest thing you say, the desire of wanting to know I can trust your intentions.

I'm sure that I have to lie to myself to be able to keep going, if I didn't lie you know the truth would destroy us, destroy me. You know I never mean to hurt you by it either, right? Good intentions are all you ever need to be a hero anyways.

I just would like to take a trip inside your mind, to be able to see how you think, how you feel, to know why it feels like I am the last human you would ever want to look at, to know if I really could be loved by someone like you, to know that my mind is playing tricks on me again.

All the same emotion, drama and feelings are all a confusing lot that I never know what to do with.

You are able to be a mystery while I beg to be understood, you hold your emotions under lock and key while I proudly wear them on my sleeves, you speak with the smallest of knowing whispers while I scream and shout my ignorance . Two polar opposites of effect and still I cannot help but think, dwell, pray and seek to be understood.

Side note:

Have I by chance happened to have mention how over rated life is?

Goodbye

I'm sure you are there, somewhere. Thought I would at least say hey. Sorry we may not have talked in a while, I'm sure you know how these things are...life enjoys running circles around us throwing out confusion as if we were at some tacky Mardi Gra parade.

Why waste time and simultaneously ruin the moment?

I suppose it would be best to simply say hello and then part to our very separate ways.

New Years Eve

I really don't have anything worth saying that hasn't already been said before, therefore I'll just borrow the words of a song that puts things rather nicely.


************

It's New Years Eve and I'm full of empty promises,
I half pretend to keep this time, just like last year.
The band is loud and I'm wandering the shadows,
wishing I was never here.
I persevere.
A crowded room, these whitewashed tombs,
they raise their glasses high, they kiss the past goodbye.

This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve,
and yes I still believe, this New Years Eve,
will turn out better than before,
I'm holding on, still holding out,
until they close the door... on me.

It's New Years Eve and I feel my insecurities,
are haunting me like ghosts, this sinking quicksand.
And then with thunderous praise and lofty adoration,
a second passes by, yet nothing changes.
I hate my skin, this grave I'm standing in.
Another change of years, and I wish I wasn't here.

A year goes by and I'm staring at my watch again,
and I dig deep this time,
for something greater than I've ever been,
life to ancient wineskins.
And I was blind but now I see.

This New Years Eve, something must change me inside,
I'm crooked and misguided, and tired of being tired.
This New Years Eve, I'm waiting for tomorrow.
My heart is on my sleeve, and yes I still believe, in You.


-Five Iron Frenzy, "New Years Eve"

Goodnight

Wherever you are, I just wanted to stop and say goodnight.

You may read this...one day.

Is it possible for love to exist in ways before it could ever be known?

Day Dream

I sometimes wonder how often you think of me, if I ever cross your mind when you are out about in life. I wonder, do you ever think of me when you eat lunch by your window, getting to see the lives of people play out before them? Do I ever cross your mind when you go for a walk, hearing the birds sing their song to you? Could it be you think of me when you lay down to sleep at night, your beautiful mind awash from the days events?

It is a thing I am quite curious about, you see. I hold you in my highest regards and would not wish you ill, even when there is nothing to say.

It is funny to think we can live out our lives separate from each other, never knowing just what the other is thinking, maybe one of us hoping the other will say something. It is funny, right?

There really isn't to much more I can say that needs to be said, although less is indeed more it is not the same for all aspects and matters involving something as fickle as the heart.

Maybe an embrace awaits over the rainbows end.

Speaking of Marriage

I know I have my own bias towards Christian thought but something I just do not understand is why people outside of Christianity (or maybe some other religions) care about marriage. I know there is the fact it serves as a social construct but I just really can't break away from the notion that it is a bringing of a man and a woman together with God being the third and ultimate unifying factor.

Sex is in and of itself utterly bewildering and makes me feel uncomfortable but regardless it is a slight fundamental part of life. However, marriage is more then sex just as love itself is much more then sexuality. Marriage is supposed to be a unification of two distinct souls, bodies and minds into this covenant of one.

Spirituality and sexuality are hopeless intertwined because of them both being undeniable aspects of the human existence. Trying to say one is more important then the other is like trying to say water is more vital then food, in a sense there should be priority but at the same time if you focus only on one you will starve yourself from normalcy.

Being human is confusing, sexuality even more so, all the same there is still something very beautiful about the whole thing. Anyone who actually reads the Bible will notice that sexuality is flowing out of it like it was going out of style.

One of the most oddball things God does is express his love in relation to different forms of physical human relationships. He breaks things down in a simplified manner so we can at least try to fathom something otherwise incomprehensible. He says that he loves us like a father should love his children, Jesus mentioned wanting to gather together the lost like a mother hen would gather her chicks, Paul wrote that a wife should submit to her husband and the husband should love his wife with complete selflessness just as how Jesus loved and died for the church.

Spirituality and sexuality yet again. The physical act of sex is supposed to be (hard to know something you have never experienced, thank God) a physical, mental and spiritual bonding experince. At the same time, the Bible uses similar terms to express how we intimately know God. Yes, I am aware of how insane that sounds.

Through the Old Testament God would refer to the Israelites worshiping idols and turning from him as them committing not idolatry but adultery. Assuming I am following this correctly Yahweh was wanting to teach that it is not the little clay statues that matter, it's the fact that they were turning their back on a love relationship that was supposed to be as vital to them as air is to life.


I know I will be branded a heretic and a 'dirty liberal' for saying this but bottom line the reason I know Christianity is true is because of the indescribable intimacy of the spirit. I can assume that knowing Yahweh through his spirit is similar to the effects of knowing ones spouse in a somewhat sexual sense. There at least to me appears to be some kind of innate connection, something deeper then the pure physical.

Personally, I think that is what most people miss. Yahweh didn't create the universe, the heavens and us to simply sit around and wait for him to come wash our feet (although he has), he made us to live life and not to expect to have answers for everything.

Living in this Hell of a planet sucks. There is good but there is much bad too. When you have millions of people dying of malnutrition, people having to abuse drugs and alcohol just to cope with life, people running about confused and thinking they do not deserve to live life...do I need to go on?

There is a horrifying aspect to life that one can't deny but all the same there is something vastly beautiful. The intimacy we all desire and dream about will never be attainable through flawed and broken people. No human being will ever fix our broken hearts but there is something much more then us.

The way I look at it, I'm either insane or there is a loving God. How many insane people do you know constantly scrutinize their own personal sanity?

Random Three AM Thought:

Sleep is good yet a distant function.

I however realized something, that being that one of the attraction factors that has been going through my mind, at least subconsciously, if that I am really attracted to domestic skills and qualities. I'm to tired to care about offending feminists so all political correctness aside; I just think it is quite amazing to see a woman that knows what she is doing around a kitchen, decorating a room, creating something out of nothing and the rest of that jazz.

It goes completely against my desires to 'run off and join the circus' but I think I really need that balance. Sure, it would be nice to be able to finally find a legitimate artistic means of expression that would entail travel but without having someone that was firmly grounded in reality it would be a disaster waiting to happen for me.

Emotions = Headaches in Disguise

I will be honest, I really am starting to have a lot of disdain for emotions, feelings and all of that. Sure life would be a bit boring but it would be so less painful. That is quite selfish I admit, I would rather just eliminate the pain altogether with the good aspects of it.

I hate feeling captives to life, to who I am, what I am, where I am, where I am going, where I am not going. Life feels like a series of quite annoying circles that do not know how to adjust in the proper ways.

Attraction, love, emotion, feeling, sexuality, lust, love, adoration...all of them are just headaches. I wish I could just be purged of these addictive pains and just have it all washed away.

I start to wonder if what we view as all of these emotions and thoughts are nothing more then corrupt versions of what they should be, you have the whole idealistic view of love that i once had. But bottom line I would much prefer to be free from it all.

I do not like feeling that I am out of control, that I am bound by a bunch of madding chemicals, it also feels like I am one of the few people that want to question this, be upset by it or in general possibly develop a negative disposition towards it.

Did I mention being tired of the metaphorical prison and the desire to run free and find a deeper understanding?

Open Door

It feels like I am waiting for something to happen. I am sitting here in my chair and waiting for the flames to dance around me, flames that can purge and burn away this false sense of contentment that has threatened to drown me.

It feels like there are two worlds, a world where TV slogans and porn are the real basis for life, a feeding frenzy of lust in which the only person to loose is the one whose body isn't ravaged with disease. Reality so very strong that we cannot bear to walk through the house without viewing them on enough screens for every day of the week.

I cannot stand television.

The other world is behind a black veil. A world of polar opposites and oxymorons leading to a sense of surreal. A reality so strong that it is equal part bitterness as much as it is equal part joy. Black masks of death line the path way as they stand next to the purest forms of life.

Truth becomes a convoluted haze that is easiest to embrace when you do not know.

There is indeed a death of practical thought and action because it cannot be supported on the lifeline of nihilistic self help jargon that people enjoy consuming simply because they can better pat themselves on the back.


Truth is black and white as well as a full blown colorful rainbow of perspective.

An easy way to see truth is to realize you are looking for you first, after you determine to put your desire last you could possibly begin to understand a lofty idea such as infinite, holy and God.

It's to bad I am just as lazy as the rest of humanity.

Random Thought of the Day:

Like a fish out of water, we flout about in our petty little arrogance as we die drowning from exposure to an air we do not comprehend, much less unable to breath.

I honestly do not think human beings as a whole could be more confused and backwards in just their approach to life but with their individual executions of attempts to live life. Brought up from a young age to be self serving we wallow in petty addictions thinking someone else is to blame for our lackluster broken lives.

Sex, drugs and alcohol oh my.

Another Thought...

...I'm the Charlie Brown of the music world. Just think about that one.

Just a small thought

After the past few days of thought I think that this song sums things up in ways I lack the current coherent capable facilities to articulate any sort of sane or rational thought on.

____________________________________

Nobody else here baby
No one here to blame
No one to point the finger
It’s just you and me and the rain
Nobody made you do it
No one put words in your mouth
Nobody here taking orders
When love took a train heading south

It’s the blind leading the blond
It’s the stuff, it’s the stuff of country songs
If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
And if God will send his angels
Would everything be alright

God’s got his phone off the hook, babe
Would he even pick up if he could
It’s been a while since we saw that child
Hanging ‘round this neighborhood
See his mother dealing in a doorway
See Father Christmas with a begging bowl
Jesus’ sister’s eyes are a blister
The high street never looked so low

It’s the blind leading the blond
It’s the cops collecting for the cons
So where is the hope
And where is the faith
And the love
What’s that you say to me
Does love light up your Christmas tree
The next minute you’re blowing a fuse
And the Cartoon Network turns into the news

If God will send his angels
And if God will send a sign
Well, If God will send his angels

Where do we go
Where do we go

Jesus never let me down
You know, Jesus used to show me the score
Then they put Jesus in show business
Now it’s hard to get in the door
Angel

It’s the stuff, it’s the stuff of country songs
But I guess it’s something to go on
If God will send his angels
Sure could use them here right now
Well If God will send his angels
And I want my life
Where do we go
And I want to feel my soul
Where do we go
And I want to know love
Where do we go
And I want to feel

-U2, "If God Will Send His Angels"

This makes me seriously question the justice system in the US

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,312018,00.html

http://www.latimes.com/news/nationworld/nation/la-na-suicide22nov22,1,2129665.story?page=1&coll=la-headlines-nation&ctrack=1&cset=true


Bottom line that case illustrates one of the biggest problems in the US. People flaunt their right to free speech and then act all surprised when people expect them to be responsible for what they say or do. Freedom does not, nor will it ever mean someone can do whatever they please.

To sum up:

1.People need to learn the idea of responsibility for their actions. What kind of parent would make a fake Myspace profile and then proceed to deliberately torment a child with a history of depression?

2.The mother who made the fake profile has not even made any attempts at an apology. What kind of a mind job is this woman?

3.I know there are details I don't know and no one should know but bottom line this is one of the most sickening and disgusting things I have heard in a long time.

4.Doesn't this kind of sickness just SCREAM what the Bible says about humans being naturally bent towards destruction? My God, I just want to throw up from reading all of this.


My Solution:
1.Unrealistic - I think it would be rather appropriate if all the jerks that were in on this spent about twenty years or so in jail, or heck maybe a month or two...or maybe we should slap a small fine on them on the least as opposed to just letting people that helped contribute to an innocent girl's suicide get off free...
2.Realistic - Nothing will ever happen. I can't condone vigilante justice but it is nice to see I'm not the only human being whose sensibilities were disturbed by this garbage. I assume more political correct garbage will come running and screaming to this woman's defense and will also cause me to loose even more faith in humanity.



At what point are people going to start taking responsibility for what they do? The more this goes unchecked the more of a spoiled brat complex this country will have and eventually I think I may actually be welcoming whatever plague or act of God that wipes out humanity.

To do list::

-Find job by Sunday so I'm not kicked out of house
-Find a good job
-See about school
-Find a publisher
-Edit book
-Find sleep
-Sleep
-Think
-Wake up
-Misc fun stuff like eat food and read books

For those who may be curious...

...I am a winner.

Sunday Mornings, Huh?

First draft, done.
Been insulted and made to feel like a bum this morning, done.
Found a real job in order to have a flow of cash in order to have certain people shut the Hell up, five months and counting.

Meh at Being Human

Call me crazy but free will, being human, emotions, feeling, pain and etc are all completely and utterly over rated. As far as I am concerned the notion of contemporary dating practices was forged in the pits of Hell itself.

I am sick of drama, sick of people to immature to deal with themselves and most certianly tired of them affecting me.

So close and yet so far from 50,000 words...nanowrimo you will be mine!

I Don't Like the Looks of Plan B

So far this life journey of mine has made no sense, furthermore I do not expect it to ever make sense and will save myself trouble in simply anticipating everything to become even more confusing and ever increasing in its nonsensical.

That said, the current boat I've been on for a few months is starting to take on a lot of water and things are not looking good.

I'm going to have to bail out or simply drown.

Happy Thanksgiving to all...

I'll be honest, I'm not huge on family oriented events. I have never understood how to act at one, what to do, where to be, what to say and how to say it. If I could genuinely be myself...smile, make corny/utterly mind blowing jokes, talk about random knowledge, understand the people I was around, felt like I was being understood...then that would all be peachy. But it's not, not really.

The question I ask myself is how much is my fault? Do I not want to be sociable? Am I just being a selfish little cry baby about problems that occurred years and maybe even almost decades ago?

Another question for the ages: Who am I, really? Am I simply defined by the perceptions of others? The individual failures and victories in life? The sum total of my entire being? Does any of this really even matter? Assuming it does matter, does it even matter that it matters (thank you for that little tidbit Marvin, you've always been my favorite fictional paranoid android)?

Don't misunderstand me, I am not simply trying to complain or say stuff simply because I can. These are legitimate thoughts that run through my mind at any given time through any of the time I dwell at this house located in the middle of nowhere.


As a kind friend of mine pointed it out, I need actual legitimate fellowship of some kind. Can you buy those in six packs at Wal-Mart? I find it rather odd how we seek to replace genuine human contact with this lovely digital universe in front of you. I'm not sure how much is intentional and how much is the bastard child of commercialism but it seems like genuine human contact is going down with the advent of the digitalized.


There really is no need to get excited, really. No need for deep and meditative thought. It's merely a day to rejoice and give thanks for things we do not realize are around us. It'll all be okay as the hours roll by and the lives we live continue to slip further and further away from our grasps.

Um, on a happy note...uh...um...I like...books?

To Write List:

In an effort to keep track of the growing number of things I want to write about I'm going to keep a running tally of the works I would like to work on at some point, assuming I have enough time at some point.


Essays to be written:
-A rather large digression concerning the ideas of grace and as to why that is the polar opposite of the popular notion of religion.
-Expansion of the paper on Christian thought and Humanities
-Yet another self realized essay demonstrating the fact I am more aware of my own humanity then most other people would care to know.
-The spiritual associations of harder rock/metal.



Stories to be written:
-Current novel
-Novelization of Ghetto Zorro
-Interesting little story inspired by a particular mouse from the Chronicles of Narnia
-"Shadowy Shores", no clue what that is but you must admit it's an awesome title
-"Echoing Falls" Yet another neat title with no actual story.