My soul feels a tad dingy...a bit dirty and needs to be cleaned off.
It's been sitting outside in the dirt for a little too long and needs to be shaken off before being allowed to come inside and play.

I guess part of the problem is my ability to see most black and white issues in various shades of gray and to know that no one is really the villain...as much as we all are just broken and confused people wandering around this triage unit called life.

That isn't to shirk responsibilities as much as it is just to say we are all equally dependent on some measure of grace to be able to breath and reach some sort of place where we can stop and have some juice to drink.

I guess that might be an appropriate metaphor for life.
We all are really just broken and wounded people walking around a sick bay with an opportunity to help those with the same injuries and pain we have experienced and dealt with...hmm...sometimes life is too real and too vivid for life.

That...

Yeah.

That will be a problem.

I kind of...feel nauseous and want to throw up now...bah...

Tea, tea, tea...

I have issues with facades...somethings seeming too good to be true...I'm not sure...may just be paranoia...and yet...I detect hints of...

Hrmm...

No need to judge on my part, just pray.
What more can you do to help someone who doesn't want help?
Or may not even need it.

That is the funny thing about being human...you never get the full picture of anything.

"Many strangers have I met
On the road to my regret
Many lost who seek to find themselves in me
They ask me to reveal
The very thoughts they would conceal
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm here without a name in the palace of my shame
Love rescue me

In the cold mirror of a glass
I see my reflection pass
I see the dark shades of what I used to be
I see the purple of her eyes
The scarlet of my lies
Love rescue me

And the sun in the sky makes a shadow of you and I
Stretching out as the sun sinks in the sea
I'm hanging on by my thumbs
I'm ready for whatever comes
Love rescue me

Yea though I walk through the valley of the shadow
Yet I will fear no evil
I have cursed they rod and staff
They no longer comfort me
Love rescue me

I've conquered my past
The future is here at last
I stand at the entrance
To a new world I can see
The ruins to the right of me
Will soon have lost sight of me
Love rescue me"

Psalm 123

"I lift my eyes to you,
O God, enthroned in heaven.
We keep looking to the Lord our God for his mercy,
just as servants keep their eyes on their master,
as a slave girl watches her mistress for the slightest signal.
Have mercy on us, Lord, have mercy,
for we have had our fill of contempt.
We have had more than our fill of the scoffing of the proud
and the contempt of the arrogant."
-Psalm 123:1-4

Mercy...such beauty, such wonder after a lifetime of trying to find perfection that can never be. I am so sick of trying to find something that isn't there...trying to beat myself to find a life that isn't there...and the bitterness and anger that comes from being disappointed with everything and nothing.

Can I let go?
I can I just let everything go?
Fall, fall into your arms and forget every pain and sin I have ever felt?

It is a new day, a new life, a new everything...and I just want to go back to sleep. Can that be my worship for now? Just enjoying another hour or two of sleep because I feel like crap?

I love you Daddy, I love you so much.
You are amazing and so beautiful to me.
I never know what will happens but even when horrible, horrible stuff happens you love me...and I can never thank you enough, worship or praise you enough.
Thank you.

Thank you for loving me as I am, not what I should be.

Random Explosion of Thoughts and Exuberant Gratefulness

Life can never be as simple as a story or song...sadly in ways...
However there is something infinitely more wonderful about how messy, screwed up and disgusting as humans finding redemption and being able to make even the simplest things work.

Friendship.
Playing games.
Talking about books over coffee.

I never have stopped to appreciate just how amazing it is to be able to work on homework together and laugh over small things.

Yes I am excessively negative because I look at the wrong things a lot of the time...I see the imperfections and what things COULD be...which is maddening...and will never lead to happiness...however friendships where people are allowed to not have everything together...that is something I would like to see.

In fact...the Society of Scapegoats should have something like that in it's manifesto. Perfection is not allowed in our meetings, activities or friendships...perfect people are banned and will be set on fire if they persist in coming.

There is nothing perfect in human existence...and the fact God not only desires us, but thinks of us, longs for us to be near in spite of that shows what an utter madman he is. He doesn't desire even the wicked to perish...even the worst of us...and how Jesus had true humanity...it is amazing, beyond amazing...just this visceral love...this painful love that makes my heart ache...and desire to just hug Jesus and cry out every last ounce of anguish joy inside of me.

I think I love U2's music so much because the songs capture emotion or a moment so well...this element of worship that transcends and makes my Christian mystic/hermit tendencies all happy, warm and fuzzy inside...

I don't even know what I am rambling about...except I am happy to be alive this very moment. I could have died any infinite number of times...and I love my mother, my friends, my dear sweet friends so very much...they are this collection of rag tag individuals all misfits from the church but all amazing in their own ways.

Who says we must be perfect?
Who demands it?
Humans demand it when God knows we can't do it?
How silly and futile.

Jesus thank you being so utterly wacky and insane to have made me and love me as I am. Do you know and realize how utterly screwed up that is? How insane and crazy I am? Do you?

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

Note to self: Stop trying to understand stuff while having a migraine.

Thank you.

Good things, bad things, good things, bad things...life is a mixture and is never just one thing.

Confusion, growing migraine starting...hope.
Not hope in the immediate sense of things per say...although things are better...but hope that even though life never has resolutions...everything will resolve sooner rather than later...maybe not in this breath but possibly in the next.

Quote of the Day:

"I have a lot of faith. But I am also afraid a lot, and have no real certainty about anything...the opposite of faith is not doubt, but certainty. Certainty is missing the point entirely. Faith includes noticing the mess, the emptiness and discomfort, and letting it be there until some light returns."
— Anne Lamott

"If anyone says ever being a Christian is easy, they are smoking crack."

BEST THING I have read all day.
Made me laugh until I hurt myself.
^_^

A good day...I just wish I wasn't in so much pain that I wanted to scream...

Oh how quickly doth our dreams become living nightmares...

So many thoughts...so little space for them...such curious things...manner of living, life...everything...

I feel as if I am setting myself up for more pain, more problems...but...

The door is here.
The decision must be made now.

Curiouser and curiouser...because...

What makes me happy?
Such a silly thought...

Daylight Fading into the Next

Today...was such a difficult but wonderful day.
Easily the best day I have had since summer break started and ended.

Just...I feel connected again...and even though I feel like death thawed out...I laughed, I smiled...I felt safe again...not judged. Even though I made such a mess out of things...and acted immature...it's beautiful to know that there is such thing as being able to try and move on...and learn.

Other things...I'm not so looking forward to...but I am just going to be me.
What else can I do?
I don't like everything about me...I don't like being sick or having depressed moments...but I refuse to pretend to be something I am not...at least that is what I gather from Jesus...it's okay to be crazy, we're all broken and sometimes it's okay to just hug and drink juice.


What else can I do? Who else can I be?
I still don't understand so much...
But my mom was amazing today and helped me so much.
I rarely mention good things and am grateful on here...but she helped me.
She has been such a strong supporter even though I tend to forget to be more grateful and thankful for that love...I am, even when I am so caught up in myself I forget about people.


I've never gotten over my grandmother passing away...and so it can be hard for me to be open with people...because even though we live in the moment...I see them going...leaving...dying...and it's hard. I don't want to endure such loss...but what other choice do I have?

I don't want to be strong...I don't want to be the one acting as a pillar.
I just want to lay in your arms Daddy...just rest knowing you are so much bigger than everything else...my love, my God, my savior, my Daddy...so much, so powerful...so beautiful and amazing...thank you. For family, for friends, for joy, for pain, for the awkward moments and the best...

I want this to be the best year it can be.
One step.
Just one step at a time...

I laugh.
What else may I do in the face of such madness at this?
All of this foreknown and foresaw.
I laugh, laugh and laugh.
Oh such bitter madness.

Video Games Mimicking Life

I just finished the main campaign in Fallout 3. It took my a couple of years because of how lazy I am with playing games but I finally reached the end.

I always treat RPG's like I myself were the character and so all the major decision I make revolve around helping people, saving kittens in trees, defusing nuclear warheads instead of detonating them for profit and the like.

So I am all for biting the metaphorical bullet and shouldering the responsibility of all of humanity in game like I try to do in real life...but then tonight I just sort of had a "wtf?!?" moment at the end of the game. The main character is asked to sacrifice his life to restore hope and clean water to the wastelands and...I just sat there and said to the computer monitor, "Really? Really! I have to save everyone because they are too lazy or selfish to actually get off their collective butts and do something for once?"

It is quite possible that I am merely projecting all of my current frustrations, fear and confusion onto the poor game...but I just realized how I keep putting myself into this 'savior' role I was never meant to fill.

Sometimes I wish someone would just walk up to me and say "It's okay Matthew, sit this one out." and then they will take me by the hand and shoulder and lead me to a place to sit down because I normally will not stop until I have almost self destructed from trying to do everything by myself.

I don't know why I do this to myself...or why I feel guilty for just sitting in a room very quietly and trying to relax but I do. I don't respond very well to over stimulation and that is all that is going on.

I seriously just need to be able to relax...but I can't.
I feel obligated to do everything.
Fix everyone.
If I am not busy I am worried and if I am not worried I am worried about not being worried...and so on and so forth.

But I am eating a blueberry poptart.
I don't want to deal with life.
Or feeling like I am not wanted or needed.
Or the nagging feeling I am just a temporary fix.

Poptarts are nice.

If nothing else I can choose to smile.
And mean that.
And pray.
Still praying.
Praying without ceasing.
Even though my tongue and throat are hurting for some reason.

I just...

There is no point to writing it...it's the same thing...the same broken and crying prayer from the past several years.

Please heal, make me whole, make me able to function and just be able to get on with life. I don't care about occupations, schools, marriage or having a family...I just want to be able to function in day to day life.

I used up all of the pain medication thinking I was going to actually be fixed...God...I feel so naive and stupid to think that. I just...don't know what to do.

I can't keep living like this...

Oh well.
People prefer a comedy to a tragedy.
Who doesn't enjoy being lied to about bad news?

I hate to be incessantly negative...but if I can't function because of being sick, what is the point?

Is the point to try anyway, just to see what happens and hope for the absolute best?

Pink Floyd's album "Wish You Were Here" has become the unofficial soundtrack to this period of my life...I sort of understand now why my dad liked them so much. There is this subtle nature to their music which grows on you...a bit why I like the more experimental parts of U2's catalog.

There, I wrote something, a statement which was not complaining or about me being sick.

The next step is to transition that idea to something a bit more everyday...such as weather, cats or maybe candy.

Wow...that is utterly random.

I wonder...

Change...directions...breathing, confusion...different ideas...different ideals...


Hmm...pain.

Choices, choices, choices...


Truth...or lies?

Is there ever lying for a good reason?
Words...subjectivity...

Might would be best to just avoid that sort altogether.
Otherwise...well...yeah.

Nerves, expressions, dissimulated...it's not real persay.
Electronic impulses are what you make of them...I think.

"How I wish, how I wish you were here."

Why was I stupid enough to actually think that mattered?

I feel like a quote out of context
Withholding the rest
So I can be free what you want to see
I got the gesture and sound
Got the timing down
It's uncanny, yeah, you think it was me
Do you think I should take a class
To lose my southern accent
Did I make me up, or make the face till it stuck
I do the best imitation of myself

Quote of the Day:

“Hope begins in the dark, the stubborn hope that if you just show up and try to do the right thing, the dawn will come. You wait and watch and work: you don't give up.”
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 120

"How I suffer in far-off Meshech.
It pains me to live in distant Kedar.
I am tired of living
among people who hate peace.
I search for peace;
but when I speak of peace, they want war!"
-Psalm 120:5-7



I feel like I am in exile from myself.
I keep running, running to hold the place I am at...and then I realize I have no clue as to what I was doing or where I was going in the first place.

I can go on about how unfair this is...but you already know.
You never delight in our sufferings...Jesus is mentioned as being a man of many sorrows...and living amongst us...it just brings comfort that you are a God that knows and cares about where we are, what we are doing and what will happen.

This isn't just some abstract philosophical concept...you love me, you desire me and even when I run away and hide so I can cry...you follow me and have your arms wide open to embrace me and love me...how can my paltry thanks ever be enough?

I am a hypocrite and cause pain...but I want to change, I want to bring peace where I go, peace at any cost except for striking back...true lasting peace, not one instilled by fear or coercion...but the peace built out of your love for me and the love you have put inside this broken heart.

The love you put in this heart doesn't stay because of all the cracks and fractures...the love you pour into me seeps, leaks and at times gushes out from me...and I want it to be love, not bitterness, resentment or poison...there is too much evil already.

I want to be broken open like a vessel of perfume so that when I am finally destroyed it brings peace...not more grief or pain.
Please.
Please change me.
Guide me.
Love me.
I love you Daddy.

Salt in the wound.
Lemon juice on a cut.
Nails on a chalkboard.
Insult to injury.

Geez, would someone go ahead and just douse me in petrol and set me on fire already so I can be done with this?

I should be doing homework.
Or writing.
Maybe playing a video game.
Instead I am sitting here, in front of my computer drinking Gatorade and listening to "Wish You Were Here" by Pink Floyd, all the while feeling so freaked out about tomorrow.

I wish there were some easy answers...why did all of this have to fall at once?
I guess it's better now than much later...but still.

Is it so wrong to want to be liked and wanted and not to repulse people with my faith?

Ah...just randomness I guess.

I can't share these deep thoughts with anyone...I just have to fold my arms over my chest so they won't try to escape and cause more harm.
I don't know if I can ever trust so deeply like that again...it just is so hard to gather up the strength and faith to fly when it feels like your wings got crumpled up and are just a broken mess barely hanging on.

I have to be strong.
Or least wear a mask.
Maybe if I can pretend well enough the problems may go away...or at least I would have better conversational topics with people besides freaking out and thinking I am dying.

I mean...if this surgery happens...I will not be able to function for a while.
Major invasive surgery...and I will be stuck here...no school...not really seeing anyone at all. Who in their right mind would want to drive up here from Mobile just to see me drugged up and in pain?

I don't feel depressed, suicidal or anxiety.
I just feel...so useless and powerless, which in and of itself is scary enough.
I do not think it matters much because these problems are out of my hands.

I know you keep trying to get my attention Daddy, try to beat sense into me...that I need to sit still, be quite, let you love on me and transform me...but I am so scared of the pain...of what it will take for me to become more like you...and what else I will have to loose and endure loosing.

I want to be able to praise always in the light and dark...sickness and pain...good health and love.
I want so badly to be faithful...to endure to follow you where you guide.
I just am so blind and uncertain...help...please?

Overcast

Words, words, words
that is all they ever are.
Words, words, words
that is all they can be.

All is dark and shade
until a brilliant star
pierces the veil
breaking just when is apt
and opportune.

Falling like rain
full of grace
bringing life
and hope to this desert plain.

Endlessly falling
with little shape
of rhyme or reason
but words they are
and words they shall remain.

Quote of the Day:

"Teach me, O God, not to torture myself, not to make a martyr out of myself through stifling reflection, but rather teach me to breathe deeply in faith."
-Soren Kierkegaard

"we are the few that won't say nothing right
we are the footsteps fading into the night
nobody cares and nobody stares with such conviction and i say:
i never wanted this, no one ever wanted this
but they gave it to you so you might as well be proud of it
and i don't know where we went wrong
all i know now is i got to do something right"

Quote of the Day:

“To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your selfishness. But in that casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable, impenetrable, irredeemable.”
-C.S. Lewis

Temet nosce.

Will-o'-the-Wisp in the Soul

God...I just feel so alone and helpless.
I know you are there...that there is a reason and time...but that doesn't drive the fear away.

It is scary that you care enough to let me suffer so that I can grow, learn and mature...but does it have to hurt this bad?

Layers and layers and layers
of my soul gets peeled back,
showing the fragile soul below
as wisps of hope push out the bitter.

All my fancy word amount to nothing but a hollow sounding gong...because I am without love...not giving or being willing to accept it.

Father, Father, Father...I love you, even though I don't know how.
I need...you closer than ever before...just close the gap between us tonight.

I have...nothing.
Nothing more.

Just hope I am not suffering alone...that this pain will one day be gone...
*sigh*
Oh well...easy come, easy go...

Letting go...never seemed more appealing than now.
Especially considering how desperately I need to get better...God alone knows how long I will be stuck here if I have to undergo any sort of surgery...

And rumors...It's UM so I'm not surprised...it still just absolutely sucks private business cannot be kept between two people...at the same time, because of the harm I caused...I deserve it. It's not like I was ever worthy of a sterling reputation anyway.

*sigh*

People make life too complicated.
But I can't go in a cave...I'll get too crazy.

I just..want to heal...my mind, body and soul...I don't want to cause more pain or drama...I just want to be healed...and have my heart and soul bandaged and loved...from the process of ripping it went through. I'm not angry and I'm doing what I can to not be bitter...I want what is best for everyone...

But what is best for me?

Winding Down

Fallibility of life reaching out tonight,
fragrance of stagnating hope
all while waiting at this bus stop.

Sounds of crying and decay
all around
and in
consuming and infiltrating.

I can feel the sins of my own excess
crying up from the ground against me,
mixing and matching,
falling in ordered lineup
along nightmares
from long ago.

But what does one do
when one's dreams
become their terror of the night
and what does one do
when the god of self reaches out to embrace?

I am, I am, I am
screams out of purgatory
where the worst possible sentence
is getting everything you ever asked for
with nothing in return.

Freedom in a Hell of your own making,
falling and free
just within the constraints
of your own sick mind.

Freedom, true freedom
bought with blood
of a meek Lamb
and horrifyingly awe-some Lion
one of three
entwined beyond comprehension,
because human meaning.

It is, it is, it is
is what shall be said
and forever spoken of.


These poems, these words
never can they seek to convey
or illustrate
the complexities
and depth of my mind
and the thoughts
and the motives,
all which drive and push me onward.

You, dear reader,
the one reading
and filling in the gaps as it goes
we create this picture together.
Time and space are ignored
and the letters meld together
to form images
and a painting
varying in shades and hues.

The question,
is what do you see?
Does it matter what I meant?
Most of the time I have no,
these words just fall
and fall
and make their place.

Why?
No, not the most important question
but it is one that has driven me
since the chaos broke out.
However, since no one here knows
it'll simply have to be.

Choices, decisions, becomings, directives
and here we lay.

Lies and truth run together
and I look forward to the day
I leave all of this behind,
this soot and ash
and false words of no substance,
placating lies
perpetuating false grace.
My tongue just as guilty
so I point to myself first,
just know it hurts as well.

Yesterday's news, thrown out garbage.
Something, something, something...

Trying to recall a song that I have a small fragment of in my mind...

So let me be the first to say that having an internal infection where if I make the wrong sudden movement it could pop and kill me in a manner of hours is not only awesome but motivational as well!

You know...I can't imagine Hell being much worse than this...feeling abandoned by God and in excruciating pain.
That is my existence.
And my cat won't stop meowing at me.
Did I do something wrong?


I am sorry.
So, so sorry.
=/

Oh dear sweet God I didn't know I could hurt this freaking much.
I just don't know what to do.
I can't move, breath...without agony.
God.
Please.
Something.
Anything.

Quote of the Day:

"I nursed my resentments and disgrace like young plants, watering them, trimming back the dead leaves, making sure they got enough sunlight.

At times like these, I believe, Jesus rolls up his sleeves and smiles roguishly, and thinks, "This is good." He lets me get nice and crazy, until I can't take my own thinking and solutions for one more moment. The next morning, I got on my knees and prayed "Please, please, help me. Please let me feel You while I adjust to not getting what I was hoping for."

And then I remembered Rule 1: When all else fails follow instructions. And Rule 2: Don't be an asshole."
-Anne Lamott

Psalm 117

"Praise the Lord, all you nations.
Praise him, all you people of the earth.
For he loves us with unfailing love;
the Lord’s faithfulness endures forever.
Praise the Lord!"
-Psalm 117:1-2

This is it?
This is the entire psalm?

Honestly, the absolute last thing that was on my mind when I woke up this morning is "praise the Lord".
The absolute last thing I feel like doing is praising.
Maybe screaming.
Possibly jumping around my room punching and kicking the air out of frustration.
But praise?
No. Not in the least.

Maybe I am just bad at being a theology major but I refuse to do something that is not sincere, that is not an honest expression of my heart.

I am scared, I am bitter, I am terrified, I am in pain...I am full of fear and pain...so no the last thought on my mind is "praise the Lord/great things he hath done" because my first thought was "How bad is it going to be today?" "How painful will the tests be?" "Can't I just lay in bed and fade out of existence?"

I know there are absolutely wonderful and amazing things in life...and that there are flowers, sunshine and kittens...but they don't do a damn thing for me when the only thing I can do is curl up in a ball and cry from being in such pain.

Why are you so far away from me Lord?
Why do you wait so long to come and save me?
How long will you choose to turn a blind eye to your people, to me?
How long must we suffer in this world before you return and bring balance back into this world?

Yes, my sin is great.
I am jaded and bitter, cynical and full of hate...and for that I am sorry. I am sorry for being so weak, so quick to doubt and not believe you alone are worthy of praise...I'm sorry for being such a self-righteous git because it isn't helping me or anyone with dealing with me.

The last thing I ever intended was to get to upset over being in constant pain...but when it feels like every day might possibly be the worst day of my life...it starts to wear on one's soul.

How long?
How long to sing this song?
How long?
Oh, how long?

My throat is raw and I have no more tears to cry.
I'm so full of self I could just be like Jonah and lay here and sulk until I die from exposure. I am patterned after the worst of things here...and supposedly you still love me.

Why do I refuse to forgive and love?
Why do I want to hold onto these worldly nothings?
What can I do besides weep?
I want to be forgiven, I can't carry this burden...this weight on my own.
I'm holding too tight onto nothing that will never last and just cause me more pain.

I want to love you, I want to love you more and I need to be forgiven, I need the peace that can only come from you...I know that with you, we can do this together...I just need help standing back up...because I've fallen down again and am stuck flat on my face...sin and sin.

Where are we going?
Can we rest soon?
I feel faint from thirst and hunger...please keep me safe.
I'm so afraid of the lions that are out and about at night...please keep me safe.

I have nothing, all I am is found in you.
You alone Daddy.

...really?

Apparently some wounds only worsen with time.
Bah...I'm too tired to deal with this or care about this...

I just...yeah.
People.
Humanity.
Am I really all that surprised?

I hate doctors and hospitals.
Nothing is going to come out of this painful and awkward experience...and getting a hold of the doctor afterward is going to prove to be nigh impossible.

I hate needles.
I hate pain.
I'm still hurting from Monday and I'm going to have a few more holes and bruises added to my collection.

Oh well.
Doesn't matter I suppose.
Just another day in my life.
Another round of nausea and pain, another round of pain and asking questions.

Even with my near insanity at times...thankfully things are not worse...I can barely cope as is.

"It's common knowledge that you've been dead for a while.
It's well known that the cross is only a burden with pains and trials.
But thinking how come my shoes are so light,
how come I can walk for miles?
And still, just love you?

So I think I'll stay, caught up in silent prayer,
cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words.
So why don't we just walk along the shoreline with our silent song?
Cause I believe in silence.
Our hearts speak the same words, the same words."

Why do I still care about something that was never real, much less mattered, in the first place?

Certainly fiction is not worth loosing so much sleep over...

Bah...I hate feeling alone...and isolated...
At least my cat doesn't make me feel judged.
Although because of the medication I think I may finally be sleeping more than he does during the day...

I'm awake...weird sleep and nap.
I wish I had something new to say...but I'm just exhausted and mentally far away...somewhere that I don't know.

I feel so foolish...even a touch of stupid over everything...

I just...oh dear...why do I even bother writing in this thing? Anyone already knows what I am thinking...all the fear, dread, self doubt, self loathing...this, that...at least I had an incredibly encouraging conversation this afternoon that was a God send.

I'm still jittery...nervous...and trying to tell myself that the test is going to be worth the discomfort and pain because they finally may find something this time...but yeah...I'm not really fooling myself. I can fool everyone else as long as I can keep my mouth shut and write about happy things...however I'm too tired to care about making everyone else feel better.

I can't carry that weight nor do I wish to...I'm not a hero or a saint...just Matthew...all the good and bad that comes with it. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to accomplish the impossible...and just be myself. That may serve to not drive as many people away from me all at once...