Daylight Fading into the Next

Today...was such a difficult but wonderful day.
Easily the best day I have had since summer break started and ended.

Just...I feel connected again...and even though I feel like death thawed out...I laughed, I smiled...I felt safe again...not judged. Even though I made such a mess out of things...and acted immature...it's beautiful to know that there is such thing as being able to try and move on...and learn.

Other things...I'm not so looking forward to...but I am just going to be me.
What else can I do?
I don't like everything about me...I don't like being sick or having depressed moments...but I refuse to pretend to be something I am not...at least that is what I gather from Jesus...it's okay to be crazy, we're all broken and sometimes it's okay to just hug and drink juice.


What else can I do? Who else can I be?
I still don't understand so much...
But my mom was amazing today and helped me so much.
I rarely mention good things and am grateful on here...but she helped me.
She has been such a strong supporter even though I tend to forget to be more grateful and thankful for that love...I am, even when I am so caught up in myself I forget about people.


I've never gotten over my grandmother passing away...and so it can be hard for me to be open with people...because even though we live in the moment...I see them going...leaving...dying...and it's hard. I don't want to endure such loss...but what other choice do I have?

I don't want to be strong...I don't want to be the one acting as a pillar.
I just want to lay in your arms Daddy...just rest knowing you are so much bigger than everything else...my love, my God, my savior, my Daddy...so much, so powerful...so beautiful and amazing...thank you. For family, for friends, for joy, for pain, for the awkward moments and the best...

I want this to be the best year it can be.
One step.
Just one step at a time...