Monday, February 23, 2009
A Few Thoughts:
-Food just doesn't taste as good if you have to buy it.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
A Moment of Thought on Hope
Three parts self delusion, two parts the hope of the future, a third of it is the magic of life, whereas another fourth of it is reassurance in the dark of the night and lest I forget another fifteenth of it is my inability to process math and by math I specifically mean fractions.
Medicated Thoughts
There is a rather large hole in me that keeps trying to get filled.
Nothing I put in works, all it odes it make the edges crumble in and make the hole larger and more efficient at causing me to be in great pain.
Some wounds may never heal, every attempt to fix it seems to make it worse.
It's less dramatic than it sounds but practically speaking I'm not sure where to begin trying to change things.
My soul is grieved over the pain I see, I experience, I cause, I try to heal and that is around and in me.
I feel like the darkness and light in me are such a combination that it drives people away, friends I dearly miss but that I do not know how to communicate with anymore because I feel so alien, so different, so strange, so apart from the rest of life.
The annoying thing is I sound like a broken record and have literally posted hundreds of posts on here about this same thing.
Personally I am annoyed by it.
What am I doing here?
Where am I going if anywhere?
What is the point?
Honestly.
Words.
What more?
Cycles?
Cyclic pain and death?
Circles we draw in sand and then attempt to understand based upon previous experience and whatever convenient lies we make up along the way?
I pray for a quick end to this reality.
I cannot understand or handle whatever it is I am.
I'm so tired of myself and all of these useless words and posts.
I wish I could find either absolution for all of the pain I've caused or I find a way to ease into the next life much easier.
I don't care, honestly I don't.
It is hard to keep focus when I am on so much useless medicine that makes it almost impossible for me to focus or be able to do anything worthwhile.
So much pain
Right now.
So little purpose.
Nothing I put in works, all it odes it make the edges crumble in and make the hole larger and more efficient at causing me to be in great pain.
Some wounds may never heal, every attempt to fix it seems to make it worse.
It's less dramatic than it sounds but practically speaking I'm not sure where to begin trying to change things.
My soul is grieved over the pain I see, I experience, I cause, I try to heal and that is around and in me.
I feel like the darkness and light in me are such a combination that it drives people away, friends I dearly miss but that I do not know how to communicate with anymore because I feel so alien, so different, so strange, so apart from the rest of life.
The annoying thing is I sound like a broken record and have literally posted hundreds of posts on here about this same thing.
Personally I am annoyed by it.
What am I doing here?
Where am I going if anywhere?
What is the point?
Honestly.
Words.
What more?
Cycles?
Cyclic pain and death?
Circles we draw in sand and then attempt to understand based upon previous experience and whatever convenient lies we make up along the way?
I pray for a quick end to this reality.
I cannot understand or handle whatever it is I am.
I'm so tired of myself and all of these useless words and posts.
I wish I could find either absolution for all of the pain I've caused or I find a way to ease into the next life much easier.
I don't care, honestly I don't.
It is hard to keep focus when I am on so much useless medicine that makes it almost impossible for me to focus or be able to do anything worthwhile.
So much pain
Right now.
So little purpose.
Showbread lyrics
To be common place would be unique,
But we’re so obscure we’re incoherent,
Like tongueless vigilantes choking just to make you choke,
Rattling, rattling,
No nails to hold ideas in place, no expression on your face
Music and her patrons are dead and irrelevant,
Like osteoporosis, she’s brittle she is broken
Static comes through synthesizers, megaphones and drum machines,
Beauty sounds like smashed guitars,
And several references to feedback,
Rattling, rattling,
No surgery to save your life,
No promise everything’s all right
Music and her patrons are dead and irrelevant,
Like osteoporosis she’s brittle and she is broken,
Languages must be organic because like flies they fall and die,
Music now sleeps with Latin and Aramaic,
It’s over, it’s over,
No more waiting for something to live for,
It’s over, it’s over,
Everything is dying and we want something more
-"The Bell Jar", Showbread
But we’re so obscure we’re incoherent,
Like tongueless vigilantes choking just to make you choke,
Rattling, rattling,
No nails to hold ideas in place, no expression on your face
Music and her patrons are dead and irrelevant,
Like osteoporosis, she’s brittle she is broken
Static comes through synthesizers, megaphones and drum machines,
Beauty sounds like smashed guitars,
And several references to feedback,
Rattling, rattling,
No surgery to save your life,
No promise everything’s all right
Music and her patrons are dead and irrelevant,
Like osteoporosis she’s brittle and she is broken,
Languages must be organic because like flies they fall and die,
Music now sleeps with Latin and Aramaic,
It’s over, it’s over,
No more waiting for something to live for,
It’s over, it’s over,
Everything is dying and we want something more
-"The Bell Jar", Showbread
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Words Again
If I had words I would say them
if I had hope I would give it.
If I had breath I would share it
but all in all is this drowning feeling.
Relatively speaking it is nothing new.
Just a few more words added to a growing list.
A list just made of paper and a few markings,
nothing new and nothing exciting.
Just the totality of the past
summed up in insufficient terms
simplified so I might explain,
explain to who or what
I'll never know
but I'll offer my confession to the sky.
No right, no wrong
no left no right.
Simply cliches
disguised as more.
Well more like over simplification
in the guise of a disguise
so I can mask my true feelings
while pretending something is nothing
and nothing is more
when nothing is indeed something of nothing
and you are you and that is all I know.
Nothing more, nothing more.
Nothing less than pure honesty,
so I want nothing more.
This nothing is something.
I made it so.
A hollow space in my heart
never knowing it would grow.
But it has.
And will.
Every event pushing it wider
making life harder and tighter
and sanity less of an appeal.
The more I see
the less I feel.
The more I feel
the less I believe.
The harder it gets to see.
Much less be me.
It's coming full circle,
whatever that really means
in this out of place
rhetorical context.
if I had hope I would give it.
If I had breath I would share it
but all in all is this drowning feeling.
Relatively speaking it is nothing new.
Just a few more words added to a growing list.
A list just made of paper and a few markings,
nothing new and nothing exciting.
Just the totality of the past
summed up in insufficient terms
simplified so I might explain,
explain to who or what
I'll never know
but I'll offer my confession to the sky.
No right, no wrong
no left no right.
Simply cliches
disguised as more.
Well more like over simplification
in the guise of a disguise
so I can mask my true feelings
while pretending something is nothing
and nothing is more
when nothing is indeed something of nothing
and you are you and that is all I know.
Nothing more, nothing more.
Nothing less than pure honesty,
so I want nothing more.
This nothing is something.
I made it so.
A hollow space in my heart
never knowing it would grow.
But it has.
And will.
Every event pushing it wider
making life harder and tighter
and sanity less of an appeal.
The more I see
the less I feel.
The more I feel
the less I believe.
The harder it gets to see.
Much less be me.
It's coming full circle,
whatever that really means
in this out of place
rhetorical context.
Some thoughts:
-Food just doesn't taste as good if you have to buy it.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
Some thoughts:
-Food just doesn't taste as good if you have to buy it.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
-Taste is as subjective as any opinion but not liking Queen is like saying you do not enjoy breathing. Or me having intelligent conversations with you.
-If I'm negative and you are positive does that mean if we were added together I would win every argument every time?
-Don't they have a voodoo spell for people who aren't comfortable being in their own skin?
-If sleep isn't as important as some people make it out to be why don't more people try giving it up? Instead of sleeping one third of their lives they could sleep only a fifth and live about four times shorter in the process.
-If I like musical diversity, does this mean I can't have my Cake cd and listen to it at the same time?
-Is it simple nostalgia for a child hood with so few good memories but hasn't music simply gotten worse as time has gone on? I don't care how postmodern a person is booms, clicks and terrible rhyming structure simply does not make something a song.
-Sometimes U2 makes me sad over all the underused potential.
-I'm really in the mood to be hopeful but I'm too tired. Plus I have a dentist appointment later today.
-I used to think I had a problem with just wanting pills to fix everything and then quite like Dr.House I just have a pain problem.
-Somedays I wish a zombie apocalypse would happen just to be able to prove moral relativity wrong. But then again that is like saying playing baseball with live hand grenades will make a little league team better prepared to take on a professional ball team.
-But the great thing about zombies are that they are the great equalizer...and proof George A. Romero is awesome.
-The fact I'm still writing this is also proof I need to be slapped across my head, or something just as motivating.
BS2 Song
blessed is the man who does prevail
doomed are the peacemakers when they fail
if hope springs eternal it never does here
I guess I lost all my hope last year
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
I am lost and lonely
I drift in space
my dreams are haunted by her face
blessed are the drifters, the stars that die
whose light expires, before goodbyes
goodbye, goodbye
binary star
you're the brightest blue by far
and up against the starry sea
I thought that you were meant for me
blessed are the meek who shall inherit
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye
binary star
you're the brightest blue by far
and up against the starry sea
I thought that you were meant for me
"Binary", Brave Saint Saturn
doomed are the peacemakers when they fail
if hope springs eternal it never does here
I guess I lost all my hope last year
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
I am lost and lonely
I drift in space
my dreams are haunted by her face
blessed are the drifters, the stars that die
whose light expires, before goodbyes
goodbye, goodbye
binary star
you're the brightest blue by far
and up against the starry sea
I thought that you were meant for me
blessed are the meek who shall inherit
the throes of death for all their merit
the right to stumble, to fall and perish
doomed are those who hold and cherish
I tried to steal the moon from the sky
you hide behind your broken wings
your dreams are all for better things
and in the dark we climb this slope
cause the bravest thing is always hope
goodbye, goodbye
binary star
you're the brightest blue by far
and up against the starry sea
I thought that you were meant for me
"Binary", Brave Saint Saturn
Never More
Nothing more.
Nothing now.
Nothing again.
Nothing ever.
Go to sleep.
More than enough.
It's just the same.
Nothing now.
Nothing again.
Nothing ever.
Go to sleep.
More than enough.
It's just the same.
Saturday, February 21, 2009
Undertones Softly Spoken
Wordless.
Speechless.
I don't even know what to say.
It's hard waking up,
it's harder getting up.
Facing life isn't what it used to be,
you don't have assurance
you don't get second chances.
It feels a clutter,
it fee;s weak and loose.
I don't even have words for tonight.
I keep loosing ground with every sigh,
I keep loosing myself forgoing foresight.
I want to breath again,
I want to remember life,
I want to breath deep
and take in forgotten air.
I've got nothing but you
and you say you've got naught but me.
I don't know numbers
and won't pretend to understand
when all I've got is my hurt.
I can't pretend to walk
when I can't stand.
I won't pretend to understand
when all I do is doubt.
The only thing I begin to feel certain about
is how uncertain you make me feel tonight
and every night of every day.
It's not a dance nor an embrace.
I'm empty and you're all I've got
and it's not enough.
Not enough for today or tomorrow
or the shadows stretching out past your face.
Just can we try,
try to put the past behind for tonight,
just letting love run free.
Beyond my self, beyond my fear
and doubt of your real existence,
can we just be here
and be here tonight?
Speechless.
I don't even know what to say.
It's hard waking up,
it's harder getting up.
Facing life isn't what it used to be,
you don't have assurance
you don't get second chances.
It feels a clutter,
it fee;s weak and loose.
I don't even have words for tonight.
I keep loosing ground with every sigh,
I keep loosing myself forgoing foresight.
I want to breath again,
I want to remember life,
I want to breath deep
and take in forgotten air.
I've got nothing but you
and you say you've got naught but me.
I don't know numbers
and won't pretend to understand
when all I've got is my hurt.
I can't pretend to walk
when I can't stand.
I won't pretend to understand
when all I do is doubt.
The only thing I begin to feel certain about
is how uncertain you make me feel tonight
and every night of every day.
It's not a dance nor an embrace.
I'm empty and you're all I've got
and it's not enough.
Not enough for today or tomorrow
or the shadows stretching out past your face.
Just can we try,
try to put the past behind for tonight,
just letting love run free.
Beyond my self, beyond my fear
and doubt of your real existence,
can we just be here
and be here tonight?
Getting A Bit Better
Can looking myself in the mirror, staring deep and trying to honestly find myself lead to the bigger problems being fixed?
Directly no.
That is an impossible thought.
But taking the time to realize who I am and sincerely where I stand in the world, taking realistic and healthy looks at myself will only lead to the potential for positive changes.
The problems we face...easier to just use the word sin...all of it is caused by pride on some level or another...pride in thinking we are the ones who are in control, we own our bodies, we can control others, we can use others, we can blindly act without regard to others...this crazy notion that we shape our own destiny and that we are the ones who are central to the story of life.
It is sort of spitting reality in the face...this lie of thinking we are more important...which sort of flies in the face of humility and love.
Honestly, if there there is no difference in morality then why even bother trying to have a point in the first place?
If all of this is absolutely relative and simply based upon preference then there is no sincerity, no love and no real purpose in anything.
Even pleasure has no meaning because there has to be a measure of which can be judged good and pleasurable...life just becomes useless rubbish with no meaning.
That could be a sincere and healthy dose of reality...the actual possibility of no hope, no love, no God, no goodness and just the idea of us all being a random accident.
That is a possibility but at the same time any attempt for someone to force their belief is null and void because they have no right to claim superiority.
But what would that even matter?
Hypothetical thought only does so much when you have had truth standing next to you and touching your heart, breaking you and brining you back to life.
What is the point of truth if you choose to ignore it?
Facts can't save humanity, only action and decision to move past our inflated egos and embrace love...can have any real change...and not just love...but sincere and infinite love offered only by the one bigger than all.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm only half alive...because I'm ignoring the truth I've found and felt...ignoring real love that goes beyond my inability to cope with people...I mean...just ignoring truth and the fact I'm broken and am frail but I'm not hopeless...that no one is hopeless...that we all deserve and should be loved...ignoring the fact that if I stopped long enough I can be loved and brought closer to the end of this life but one step closer to absolute truth, reality beyond reality...hope beyond hope.
Directly no.
That is an impossible thought.
But taking the time to realize who I am and sincerely where I stand in the world, taking realistic and healthy looks at myself will only lead to the potential for positive changes.
The problems we face...easier to just use the word sin...all of it is caused by pride on some level or another...pride in thinking we are the ones who are in control, we own our bodies, we can control others, we can use others, we can blindly act without regard to others...this crazy notion that we shape our own destiny and that we are the ones who are central to the story of life.
It is sort of spitting reality in the face...this lie of thinking we are more important...which sort of flies in the face of humility and love.
Honestly, if there there is no difference in morality then why even bother trying to have a point in the first place?
If all of this is absolutely relative and simply based upon preference then there is no sincerity, no love and no real purpose in anything.
Even pleasure has no meaning because there has to be a measure of which can be judged good and pleasurable...life just becomes useless rubbish with no meaning.
That could be a sincere and healthy dose of reality...the actual possibility of no hope, no love, no God, no goodness and just the idea of us all being a random accident.
That is a possibility but at the same time any attempt for someone to force their belief is null and void because they have no right to claim superiority.
But what would that even matter?
Hypothetical thought only does so much when you have had truth standing next to you and touching your heart, breaking you and brining you back to life.
What is the point of truth if you choose to ignore it?
Facts can't save humanity, only action and decision to move past our inflated egos and embrace love...can have any real change...and not just love...but sincere and infinite love offered only by the one bigger than all.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm only half alive...because I'm ignoring the truth I've found and felt...ignoring real love that goes beyond my inability to cope with people...I mean...just ignoring truth and the fact I'm broken and am frail but I'm not hopeless...that no one is hopeless...that we all deserve and should be loved...ignoring the fact that if I stopped long enough I can be loved and brought closer to the end of this life but one step closer to absolute truth, reality beyond reality...hope beyond hope.
A few items of note:
1.Feeling so nauseated I can't get out of bed sucks, no matter how you look at it.
2.My cell phone must have new Verizon Wireless technology that allows it to make controlled cell phone sized worm holes for it to disappaer into and reapear at random points in my room.
3.Not getting replies in the email from specific people concernign internships.
4.Feeling more confused now more than ever about stuff.
2.My cell phone must have new Verizon Wireless technology that allows it to make controlled cell phone sized worm holes for it to disappaer into and reapear at random points in my room.
3.Not getting replies in the email from specific people concernign internships.
4.Feeling more confused now more than ever about stuff.
Friday, February 20, 2009
U2 and some
Enjoying U2's new album quite a bit...still not sure on everything but the best line I've heard so far has been:
"Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady"
Ah...so true.
"Stop helping God across the road like a little old lady"
Ah...so true.
Morning Coming Down
Despite these shallow breaths matched only by shallower prayers...I know everything will be okay...it is just hard to focus...
When something goes back, something goes good...even last night...words can't add together or make things right in my head...I feel I keep loosing touch with the ground every time I fall.
I've only heard a few tracks but the new U2 album is streaming on their myspace page...it is more hope then I've wanted to hear about life and the future for a while.
Cynicism and nihilism are so much easier than honesty and truth. No wonder I hate myself so much, much less why U2 is so easy to hate...I suppose earnesty being mistaken for self.
Who know?
I don't even know who I am, much less want to know.
Thanks for propping my soul up a bit against the wall, not sure how much longer I can stand but I appreciate the help so far.
When something goes back, something goes good...even last night...words can't add together or make things right in my head...I feel I keep loosing touch with the ground every time I fall.
I've only heard a few tracks but the new U2 album is streaming on their myspace page...it is more hope then I've wanted to hear about life and the future for a while.
Cynicism and nihilism are so much easier than honesty and truth. No wonder I hate myself so much, much less why U2 is so easy to hate...I suppose earnesty being mistaken for self.
Who know?
I don't even know who I am, much less want to know.
Thanks for propping my soul up a bit against the wall, not sure how much longer I can stand but I appreciate the help so far.
Thursday, February 19, 2009
Broken Prayers and Thoughts
I've wanted to apologize for strong language in the past but I can't. Part of being in love is fighting, getting upset, having rows and telling someone how upset you are.
Personally, a sick part of me hopes me telling Jesus "I hate you and wish you would kill me" offends people and helps them realize that God doesn't need us to treat him like an old lady needing to cross the street.
I don't care how crazy I sound because the harder I fall, the worse I hurt, the greater the peace and comfort that wraps around me like a cloak. Even though I'm scared, confused and hurting...there is this peace that scares the Hell out of me.
I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be saved or redeemed from being a pathetic creature...but He still stands over me, holds me, carries me, comforts me and no matter how alone I feel or how much I hurt he never let's go of my hand.
I just hate feeling such a distance in between us, while feeling this passionate love I can't explain to anyone without feeling like I'm talking about some invisible lover that only I can see.
I can't help but feel insane because I hate the concept of love, it scares me, it hurts me and it makes me cry a lot. I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel happiness, or joy or peace...I'm just sick and want to hurt...but He loves me and I have no choice. I try to run away and he pursues my heart just like he does everyone from their moment of conception to the moment of their dying breath and they awake into eternity.
Words fall short, words cannot describe the absolute infinity of love because they are merely tools of a disgustingly finite creature trying so hard to enter into a realm beyond the merest conceptions of finite organic material.
I want to badly to believe, to love, to live and just move one but Jesus, God, it is so hard. Every breath makes me ache, every moment is this walking through sub zero temperature.
I'm so cold, so needy, so desperate for more, so much so that I can't even comprehend or breath right.
I'm a fool in love, no more and no less.
Just this fool in the freezing rain dying for more of your love again and again.
How can I say I love you?
How can I make it last?
Make it meaningful?
I've tried most of my life to ignore you but my soul NEEDS you, it cries for you with a passion that scares me.
I hate the weakness I feel in my knees when I feel you presence around me.
I hate the tears in my eyes when I feel you touch my heart, my soul and give me more love.
It reminds me how tainted I am, how broken and how unworthy I am and how often I put me and everyone around me through this frustratingly stupid circles of me being depressed, self loathing and hate because I just can't SIMPLY accept your love, that I am loved and that despite the imperfections it will be okay.
If it can't be perfect I selfishly want it all to end.
To die.
To be dissolved because I can't handle such perfection because of how overwhelming it is.
The only thing, the closest I can get to expressing this love...this overwhelming...is through music...the pulsating beat, the piercing guitars...all so loud they almost hurt to hear...the voices, the deep growls...the pain, the love conveyed not so much by the words as the voice...words...expressions that get caught in my throat...that I cannot convey as well as I wish I COULD...but I cannot.
So much pain, so much longing.
So much death.
God, why?
Why allow love and bonds to be formed only to be ripped away, taking away my desire for life? Why allow me to love and feel so deep just so it can be ripped out of my hands and be left on my knees and hands wracking with unexpressed sobs? Unable to cry because people need me to be strong?
Why does this dam have to burst now?
Why do I have to bleed blood?
Why do I have to throw this all up for public display?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"These streets are as cold and wet
As my eyes, flesh and bones are longing home
I was taken out of context
And to think you had me not speaking for a month or two
But it’s not You I know
It’s just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
We are to follow
What if I could stand still and get moved
We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now
The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream
What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"
-Blindside, "We Are to Follow"
Personally, a sick part of me hopes me telling Jesus "I hate you and wish you would kill me" offends people and helps them realize that God doesn't need us to treat him like an old lady needing to cross the street.
I don't care how crazy I sound because the harder I fall, the worse I hurt, the greater the peace and comfort that wraps around me like a cloak. Even though I'm scared, confused and hurting...there is this peace that scares the Hell out of me.
I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be saved or redeemed from being a pathetic creature...but He still stands over me, holds me, carries me, comforts me and no matter how alone I feel or how much I hurt he never let's go of my hand.
I just hate feeling such a distance in between us, while feeling this passionate love I can't explain to anyone without feeling like I'm talking about some invisible lover that only I can see.
I can't help but feel insane because I hate the concept of love, it scares me, it hurts me and it makes me cry a lot. I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel happiness, or joy or peace...I'm just sick and want to hurt...but He loves me and I have no choice. I try to run away and he pursues my heart just like he does everyone from their moment of conception to the moment of their dying breath and they awake into eternity.
Words fall short, words cannot describe the absolute infinity of love because they are merely tools of a disgustingly finite creature trying so hard to enter into a realm beyond the merest conceptions of finite organic material.
I want to badly to believe, to love, to live and just move one but Jesus, God, it is so hard. Every breath makes me ache, every moment is this walking through sub zero temperature.
I'm so cold, so needy, so desperate for more, so much so that I can't even comprehend or breath right.
I'm a fool in love, no more and no less.
Just this fool in the freezing rain dying for more of your love again and again.
How can I say I love you?
How can I make it last?
Make it meaningful?
I've tried most of my life to ignore you but my soul NEEDS you, it cries for you with a passion that scares me.
I hate the weakness I feel in my knees when I feel you presence around me.
I hate the tears in my eyes when I feel you touch my heart, my soul and give me more love.
It reminds me how tainted I am, how broken and how unworthy I am and how often I put me and everyone around me through this frustratingly stupid circles of me being depressed, self loathing and hate because I just can't SIMPLY accept your love, that I am loved and that despite the imperfections it will be okay.
If it can't be perfect I selfishly want it all to end.
To die.
To be dissolved because I can't handle such perfection because of how overwhelming it is.
The only thing, the closest I can get to expressing this love...this overwhelming...is through music...the pulsating beat, the piercing guitars...all so loud they almost hurt to hear...the voices, the deep growls...the pain, the love conveyed not so much by the words as the voice...words...expressions that get caught in my throat...that I cannot convey as well as I wish I COULD...but I cannot.
So much pain, so much longing.
So much death.
God, why?
Why allow love and bonds to be formed only to be ripped away, taking away my desire for life? Why allow me to love and feel so deep just so it can be ripped out of my hands and be left on my knees and hands wracking with unexpressed sobs? Unable to cry because people need me to be strong?
Why does this dam have to burst now?
Why do I have to bleed blood?
Why do I have to throw this all up for public display?
Why?
Why?
Why?
"These streets are as cold and wet
As my eyes, flesh and bones are longing home
I was taken out of context
And to think you had me not speaking for a month or two
But it’s not You I know
It’s just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
We are to follow
What if I could stand still and get moved
We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now
The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out
I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream
What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"
-Blindside, "We Are to Follow"
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