Broken Prayers and Thoughts

I've wanted to apologize for strong language in the past but I can't. Part of being in love is fighting, getting upset, having rows and telling someone how upset you are.

Personally, a sick part of me hopes me telling Jesus "I hate you and wish you would kill me" offends people and helps them realize that God doesn't need us to treat him like an old lady needing to cross the street.

I don't care how crazy I sound because the harder I fall, the worse I hurt, the greater the peace and comfort that wraps around me like a cloak. Even though I'm scared, confused and hurting...there is this peace that scares the Hell out of me.

I don't want to be loved, I don't want to be saved or redeemed from being a pathetic creature...but He still stands over me, holds me, carries me, comforts me and no matter how alone I feel or how much I hurt he never let's go of my hand.

I just hate feeling such a distance in between us, while feeling this passionate love I can't explain to anyone without feeling like I'm talking about some invisible lover that only I can see.

I can't help but feel insane because I hate the concept of love, it scares me, it hurts me and it makes me cry a lot. I don't want to be in love, I don't want to feel happiness, or joy or peace...I'm just sick and want to hurt...but He loves me and I have no choice. I try to run away and he pursues my heart just like he does everyone from their moment of conception to the moment of their dying breath and they awake into eternity.

Words fall short, words cannot describe the absolute infinity of love because they are merely tools of a disgustingly finite creature trying so hard to enter into a realm beyond the merest conceptions of finite organic material.

I want to badly to believe, to love, to live and just move one but Jesus, God, it is so hard. Every breath makes me ache, every moment is this walking through sub zero temperature.

I'm so cold, so needy, so desperate for more, so much so that I can't even comprehend or breath right.

I'm a fool in love, no more and no less.
Just this fool in the freezing rain dying for more of your love again and again.

How can I say I love you?
How can I make it last?
Make it meaningful?
I've tried most of my life to ignore you but my soul NEEDS you, it cries for you with a passion that scares me.
I hate the weakness I feel in my knees when I feel you presence around me.
I hate the tears in my eyes when I feel you touch my heart, my soul and give me more love.
It reminds me how tainted I am, how broken and how unworthy I am and how often I put me and everyone around me through this frustratingly stupid circles of me being depressed, self loathing and hate because I just can't SIMPLY accept your love, that I am loved and that despite the imperfections it will be okay.

If it can't be perfect I selfishly want it all to end.

To die.

To be dissolved because I can't handle such perfection because of how overwhelming it is.

The only thing, the closest I can get to expressing this love...this overwhelming...is through music...the pulsating beat, the piercing guitars...all so loud they almost hurt to hear...the voices, the deep growls...the pain, the love conveyed not so much by the words as the voice...words...expressions that get caught in my throat...that I cannot convey as well as I wish I COULD...but I cannot.

So much pain, so much longing.
So much death.
God, why?
Why allow love and bonds to be formed only to be ripped away, taking away my desire for life? Why allow me to love and feel so deep just so it can be ripped out of my hands and be left on my knees and hands wracking with unexpressed sobs? Unable to cry because people need me to be strong?

Why does this dam have to burst now?
Why do I have to bleed blood?
Why do I have to throw this all up for public display?

Why?
Why?
Why?


"These streets are as cold and wet
As my eyes, flesh and bones are longing home
I was taken out of context
And to think you had me not speaking for a month or two
But it’s not You I know
It’s just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out

We are to follow
What if I could stand still and get moved

We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now

The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out

I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream

What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"

-Blindside, "We Are to Follow"