Medicated Thoughts

There is a rather large hole in me that keeps trying to get filled.

Nothing I put in works, all it odes it make the edges crumble in and make the hole larger and more efficient at causing me to be in great pain.

Some wounds may never heal, every attempt to fix it seems to make it worse.

It's less dramatic than it sounds but practically speaking I'm not sure where to begin trying to change things.

My soul is grieved over the pain I see, I experience, I cause, I try to heal and that is around and in me.

I feel like the darkness and light in me are such a combination that it drives people away, friends I dearly miss but that I do not know how to communicate with anymore because I feel so alien, so different, so strange, so apart from the rest of life.

The annoying thing is I sound like a broken record and have literally posted hundreds of posts on here about this same thing.

Personally I am annoyed by it.
What am I doing here?
Where am I going if anywhere?
What is the point?
Honestly.
Words.
What more?
Cycles?
Cyclic pain and death?
Circles we draw in sand and then attempt to understand based upon previous experience and whatever convenient lies we make up along the way?

I pray for a quick end to this reality.
I cannot understand or handle whatever it is I am.
I'm so tired of myself and all of these useless words and posts.
I wish I could find either absolution for all of the pain I've caused or I find a way to ease into the next life much easier.

I don't care, honestly I don't.

It is hard to keep focus when I am on so much useless medicine that makes it almost impossible for me to focus or be able to do anything worthwhile.
So much pain
Right now.
So little purpose.