New Year Soon

So close to a new year.

Will the change even matter?

I hope something does.

I have everything and nothing to say.

I think it may be the tears that I hate the most. 

Time and Nights

Time keeps progressing so much faster.

Sands twirling and falling,

being stirred by the unseen winds.

A chill.

Dark is coming.

Silence falling so absolute.

Hope remains.

But how long shall this frail body?

I've seen enough to see the signs

and know the Reackoning 

is near

oh so very Near.

Goodnight.

Thoughts for the Day

Life seems to increase in weird and strange by the day.

Balance is so...hard.

I know ideas of what healthy is, could and should be...but why, what and how?

Seeing what is good and becoming better is harder by the breath.

What mattered.... And what matters are two different world but I do know they are real.

I'm not sure about what thoughts and emotions are real but I do know matter itself is.

And if i am able to think myself into a hole that means I can climb out of it and find my way to a healthy place.

So in short...screw you fake reality!

I reject you and shall substitute my own.

Albeit more realistic and healthy.

Thank You

As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.

Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.

I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.

Merry Christmas

Not muh ican really say except that.

Merry Christmas.

So this is Christmas...

Hope of Hope

One day there will be healing.

Blessed and beautiful days of grace.

As night rises,

so shall it fall

and hope shall burn.

I have naught but this need,

improbable and impossible hope

that there is more.

Night is empty

and so very cold.

But there is hope

of life and warmth.

So close to Christmas.

So tired.

Cold rage.

Need rest.

You are my Nightmare

Time will persist,

moment agonizing moment

as each grain of sand

marks a passage.

Black burns 

fading into white

as every moment reminds.

Lilies and lilacs 

blossom

becoming such sweet lies,

hiding behind smiles

becoming 

your grotesque sins.

Smiles and stares

dripping sweet venom,

leaving never healing wounds.

Your smile is necrotic

burrowing into my soul

and I love you

for very wound

fueling my self hatred.

Blank pages

ink faded,

broken promises

written with our blood.

Promises and oaths 

barely coherent lies.

The broken shell of what was

and reminders of what could have been.

Solace in knowing

you aren't worth the effort

it takes to rhyme

and create cohesive structure.

Broken Sense of Freedom

I realize I have been wrong to expect anything from someone so emotionally immature and incapable of adult like communication. The easy thing would be to say there is no point...oh but that is such a lie.

There is a point.

So vivid and clear.

Painted with pain.

It's a masterpiece that will not be finished until I take my last breath.

Just know I am done wasting effort and energy and breath.

If I was going to spend energy it would just be negative and pointless wastes of be and being.

So I can breath and smile at death.

And After All, Chaos

Words continue to fail me non-stop.

Even if I knew what to say and when to say it, I am not sure I could even go through with speaking.

I think a safe number much prefer my lies to the truth.

Though majority is mostly inconsequential.

What does life look like?

Beyond this charade?

Lip synching nonsense?

What does it feel like to have things matter?

To not just feel everything deeply at once but to be able to differentiate between them all and pick to feel good?

I wish I could simply embrace the good and let of ill.

Maybe it is as easy as some claim.

Or there is some fundamental flaw inside of me that makes it dificult for somethings to make sense at all.

I suppose some things are better left as dreams. 

So. 

You know I really did want to be a doctor and professor of theology.

Guess it's an obvious understatement that that dream is fucked and blown to hell.

It's taking everything to hold together before this happened...God has his hands on me because That is the only way I can begin to grasp that I am alive when I should be dead.

Maybe this means...something...

Drama and Pain

The worst thing about being so screwed up mentally are the moments of clarity where I try to get help and can see how utterly horrifying and terrible things are.

Things must change soon or I will be so numb and dead that there will be no hope... And it will be sooner rather than later. 

So much self destruction over someone who doesn't give a royal damn if I live or die.

I'm so so so tired.

Is this battle even worth fighting?

Dull Flickering Light

I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.

The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.

Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.

She was not real.

None of it seems to have been.

And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.

I was not played.

There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.

Now the trick is remembering how to live.

Falling Out of Control

If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with. 

What the hell is hope anyway?

Jesus, do you listen when I pray?

Does it matter that I pray?

This night seems to have no end.

Father I am terrified.

The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.

How can I hope?

What is love?

Where is faith?

I thnk that I think I want to believe.

And to hope.

I am falling.

Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.

Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.

If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.

Please help me have enough faith to have faith.

Another  rheumatologist appointment and some hope i can be diagnoised with something more specific than "ouch, I am in severe pain and would like to not be in so muh pain."

Time to Hope

If I have nothing more than anything it must be hope.

It is what will keep me alive if anything will.

This nightmare seems to have no end and the bleakness seems more real than anything else.

I need to hope but I am so unsure and not sure of why I live and try.

Death is so much easier but I do feel a need to live and see how things resolve. 

To clarify I hate relationships and the falseness inherit...and the people they are with,

I hate people.

PSA

Letting go of you hurts so bad I feel like I may die.

Considering I almost died and you were more concerned about YOU...fuck you.

If this pain means I am never weak enough to be deluded into thinking I need a horrible person like you around...any pain is worth being rid of you.

Belonging

To say I don't fit in is anunder statement. Far as back as I can recall I have been this...thing.

Cannot call it living or dead...just some barely hanging on and broken garbadge.

Is it true?

I suppose it doesn't matter because if you tell a person something, anything really, for a long enough then they believe it.

Post Scripts in the Breeze

Far from being back open for business I just felt a need to post that, for the time being at least, I am still alive.

Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?  

It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...

And I still live.

If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.

A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from  making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.

I cannot decide how this will end yet.

If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.

I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live. 

I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.

I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?

I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.

I know Truth.

It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but  a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.

One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.

There are a number of people who care.

Some who will even read this.

I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.