Monday, December 30, 2013
Thursday, December 26, 2013
Time keeps progressing so much faster.
Sands twirling and falling,
being stirred by the unseen winds.
Dark is coming.
Silence falling so absolute.
But how long shall this frail body?
I've seen enough to see the signs
and know the Reackoning
oh so very Near.
Life seems to increase in weird and strange by the day.
Balance is so...hard.
I know ideas of what healthy is, could and should be...but why, what and how?
Seeing what is good and becoming better is harder by the breath.
What mattered.... And what matters are two different world but I do know they are real.
I'm not sure about what thoughts and emotions are real but I do know matter itself is.
And if i am able to think myself into a hole that means I can climb out of it and find my way to a healthy place.
So in short...screw you fake reality!
I reject you and shall substitute my own.
Albeit more realistic and healthy.
Wednesday, December 25, 2013
As much stress, illness, pain and confusion...it is a miracle I have survived.
Thank You Jesus for loving and taking care of me...especially when I have been so selfish and too scared to make any decision.
I hope things will continue to improve someway and somehow.
Monday, December 23, 2013
One day there will be healing.
Blessed and beautiful days of grace.
As night rises,
so shall it fall
and hope shall burn.
I have naught but this need,
improbable and impossible hope
that there is more.
Night is empty
and so very cold.
But there is hope
of life and warmth.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Time will persist,
moment agonizing moment
as each grain of sand
marks a passage.
fading into white
as every moment reminds.
Lilies and lilacs
becoming such sweet lies,
hiding behind smiles
your grotesque sins.
Smiles and stares
dripping sweet venom,
leaving never healing wounds.
Your smile is necrotic
burrowing into my soul
and I love you
for very wound
fueling my self hatred.
written with our blood.
Promises and oaths
barely coherent lies.
The broken shell of what was
and reminders of what could have been.
Solace in knowing
you aren't worth the effort
it takes to rhyme
and create cohesive structure.
Thursday, December 19, 2013
I realize I have been wrong to expect anything from someone so emotionally immature and incapable of adult like communication. The easy thing would be to say there is no point...oh but that is such a lie.
There is a point.
So vivid and clear.
Painted with pain.
It's a masterpiece that will not be finished until I take my last breath.
Just know I am done wasting effort and energy and breath.
If I was going to spend energy it would just be negative and pointless wastes of be and being.
So I can breath and smile at death.
Wednesday, December 18, 2013
Words continue to fail me non-stop.
Even if I knew what to say and when to say it, I am not sure I could even go through with speaking.
I think a safe number much prefer my lies to the truth.
Though majority is mostly inconsequential.
What does life look like?
Beyond this charade?
Lip synching nonsense?
What does it feel like to have things matter?
To not just feel everything deeply at once but to be able to differentiate between them all and pick to feel good?
I wish I could simply embrace the good and let of ill.
Maybe it is as easy as some claim.
Or there is some fundamental flaw inside of me that makes it dificult for somethings to make sense at all.
Sunday, December 15, 2013
You know I really did want to be a doctor and professor of theology.
Guess it's an obvious understatement that that dream is fucked and blown to hell.
It's taking everything to hold together before this happened...God has his hands on me because That is the only way I can begin to grasp that I am alive when I should be dead.
Maybe this means...something...
Saturday, December 14, 2013
The worst thing about being so screwed up mentally are the moments of clarity where I try to get help and can see how utterly horrifying and terrible things are.
Things must change soon or I will be so numb and dead that there will be no hope... And it will be sooner rather than later.
Friday, December 13, 2013
I believed so firmly in a lie that she became my whole world.
The price of my adultery against Jesus was for me to lose everything and even if I survive this I am not sure how I can ever heal fully.
Maybe in a year or two I will no longer think of her, wonder how she is, pray for her, cry over every stupid game/movie/song/damn thing that reminds me of her.
She was not real.
None of it seems to have been.
And yet...the only one to blame is myself for thinking I saw something when it is so obviously never was.
I was not played.
There was an opening for a role and I cast myself in it and believed every last of the lie till I needed to die.
Now the trick is remembering how to live.
If I survive these legal battles something has to change. I realize my depression and fixation on death haven't hanged because wanting to die is what got me into this damn mess to begin with.
What the hell is hope anyway?
Jesus, do you listen when I pray?
Does it matter that I pray?
This night seems to have no end.
Father I am terrified.
The shadows grow restless and I hear their cries in the night.
How can I hope?
What is love?
Where is faith?
I thnk that I think I want to believe.
And to hope.
I am falling.
Please catch me and stop me if there is hope in this life.
Otherwise just let me fall and let me reach terminal velocity.
If there is no hope to regain a normal life and be able to live life, grow and help others... I would rather fall to my death and be crushed by impact and bleed out.
Please help me have enough faith to have faith.
Wednesday, December 11, 2013
Sunday, December 8, 2013
If I have nothing more than anything it must be hope.
It is what will keep me alive if anything will.
This nightmare seems to have no end and the bleakness seems more real than anything else.
I need to hope but I am so unsure and not sure of why I live and try.
Death is so much easier but I do feel a need to live and see how things resolve.
Saturday, December 7, 2013
Friday, December 6, 2013
Letting go of you hurts so bad I feel like I may die.
Considering I almost died and you were more concerned about YOU...fuck you.
If this pain means I am never weak enough to be deluded into thinking I need a horrible person like you around...any pain is worth being rid of you.
Monday, December 2, 2013
To say I don't fit in is anunder statement. Far as back as I can recall I have been this...thing.
Cannot call it living or dead...just some barely hanging on and broken garbadge.
Is it true?
I suppose it doesn't matter because if you tell a person something, anything really, for a long enough then they believe it.
Far from being back open for business I just felt a need to post that, for the time being at least, I am still alive.
Regrettably so, but no use crying over spilled milk or my inability to just die, nay?
It feels as if I have continued to falter and sputter beyond what was supposed to have been my expiration date five years...or maybe it was ten...sometimes I think all twenty seven years were a mistake that has yet to be put right...
And I still live.
If you call having lost the jobs, place in school, relationships, the respect and dignity that I used to help barely give myself meaning with.
A half or even a tenth of a life pretending up be whole is something. By all rights and means no one is stopping me from making new life and purposes...except for that pesky person called Myself.
I cannot decide how this will end yet.
If it will go on or just end abruptly and violently.
I keep getting reminded about how much I matter and how much I am loved...but I do not and have yet to find a reason from within to live.
I am healthy just enough to know I am sick.
I keep trying to get help and establish some means of stability but quality of life will ever be possible when I have such insane impulses and thoughts?
I will either get stronger or eventually this will crush me one way or the other.
I know Truth.
It has just not been real to me for a while...not a loss of faith but a loss of perspective and ability to consistently feel these weird things people talk about....joy, love, compassion, friendship, companionship.
One moment I am numb beyond expression and then everything flow back in sub loud and vivid tones it causes me to scream in pain.
There are a number of people who care.
Some who will even read this.
I have no idea what I am supposed to say, feel, act or do. I can barely hold together and pretend I am human in the most basic of ways.