A Waltz of Joyful Pain

I don't understand.
But I will struggle to surrender this to You.
To not let this be my death bed,
or cry to cry in despair.
Nevermore.

The water washed my heart
and is pulling my spirit
and I just can't resist.

Words again,
fire to my soul.
Burning coal scorching my unclean lips.

This tattered robes stained in blood,
both Yours and mine.
Where do we go from here?
The words fall from my lips
as I try to run
and I just awake again.

This cycle of fighting
the shadows
the demons
the monsters
latching onto my soul
and trying to destroy me.

I need You.
More than Ever.
This broken mess.
Body decaying
and Spirit screaming.

Please do not delay Lover.
Do no tarry,
as the wind catches my hair
and stings my eyes.
I try not to doubt but love,
love until it bleeds and hurts.

I feel the vibrations on the air
the impossible fire
and burning hurricane of Love
that refuses to let me be.
To let me be in my self made prison,
chambers and cells of a Hell
only I could conceive of. 

Lover love me,
rescue me
once again.

Hold me tight
so I feel Your heartbeat.
Hand in hand
as we cross
the ebb and flow
of time and space.

Russia

Nothing personal, no offense is meant but I am confused as to why nearly HALF my traffic is from Russia.
Are you merely spam bots trying to sell Viagra?
Arms dealers?
What?
Seriously?

Thanks for the traffic but it confuses me!

"Two-Headed Monster" - Showbread

I needed to be vindicated for all of my frustrations
but dragging all my grievances was heavy as damnation
I don't need to feel so right, but I badly want to feel alive
I'm done with a contest of wills
and I'm not afraid to die

we will finally start to wonder what it is that we should leave behind
we'll see the signs and realize there's never been a better time to overthrow the principalities
in all our words, in all our deeds
and storm the gates of hell to show them they will not prevail

if all our hopes and all our dreams fall on deaf ears
then let them see
the gates of hell will not prevail
and You've broken the chains on me

Funny how more apropos that stupid whiny poem is today.

Silly Little Rant

Why do I still bother with this social media junk?
Drama.
Drama.
And I don't know half the people, and half the people I shouldn't keep tabs on and stupid girls that bring back memories that should be erased and never recalled again.

Some memories should never have been.
Some hopes should never have  been given.
Some lies should never have been told.

Bitter?
Maybe?
But so are you.
And you.

We all have our secrets.
I just do not name names on here.
Because what is the point?
I could go to Facebook or Twitter.
Yell with my fingers until they bled.

When a person ceases to care,
or merely sees you as an asset
it is time to move on
and choose to live life.

Because Toxicity in relationships is all consuming.
I carry wounds from my childhood,
through my teens
and all the way through my twenties.
Scars.
Pain.
Shadows.
Darkness.

I smile to stop some tears.
And cry at the right time to make people believe it's okay. 
I hear Love.
Believe Love.
Then Love can vanish.
As if it never was.

How?
Can?

Confusion.
And
Hurt.

One day I will get over myself.
And grow up.
I suppose.

I can't believe in human heroes because of how fallen and broken we are.
And because I look in the mirror and see me.
See the face that receives so much unneeded but desired praise.

When will You return?
End this curse,
free us from our chains
and save us from ourselves?

"The curse is broken
Heavy burdens are lifted off
And my soul is light as a feather
In your storm

Waves arrive like thunder
I'm not scared to end up under
Wash away my heartache that's
Creeping in
I'm not scared to loose my skin

I'm waiting for you
I always have
I'm waiting for you
And I always have"
-Blindside, "There Must be Something in the Wind"

Still sick.
Brain fried.
Can't pull more than a few words together at a time.
Blah.

Quote of the Day

“The mold in which a key is made would be a strange thing, if you had never seen a key: and the key itself a strange thing if you had never seen a lock. Your soul has a curious shape because it is a hollow made to fit a particular swelling in the infinite contours of the divine substance, or a key to unlock one of the doors in the house with many mansions.

Your place in heaven will seem to be made for you and you alone, because you were made for it -- made for it stitch by stitch as a glove is made for a hand.”
-C.S. Lewis

New(er) Things Afoot

I'm getting serious about trying to put together an online hub for my writing and projects.
This insane collections of ramblings will remain.
And I'm planning on trying to post all links here for those who actually follow this mess of memories, vague thoughts and impossible things.

I guess I'm growing.
Or maybe the growth happened when I wasn't looking.
Regardless the pain.
Oh, the pain.

"October" - U2

October
And the trees are stripped bare
Of all they wear
What do I care

October
And kingdoms rise and kingdoms fall
But You go on
And on

Return to Ravnica, New Doctor Who, History of the Reformation...geekery...over...load... @_@

Quote of the Day

“I had a professor one time... He said, 'Class, you will forget almost everything I will teach you in here, so please remember this: that God spoke to Balaam through his ass, and He has been speaking through asses ever since. So, if God should choose to speak through you, you need not think too highly of yourself. And, if on meeting someone, right away you recognize what they are, listen to them anyway'.”
-Rich Mullins 

Is it romantic or just pathetic to hold out hope on someone/something that seems to never respond...and in the meantime life is flowing by?

Time keeps flying by.
Hard to focus in on details when it feels like nothing and nowhere is what it seems.
So tired.
But...undercurrents of Love carrying me while I fight for my health.
At least it wasn't cancer.

Sickly Cleaning

Cleaning while having pneumonia is not QUITE as exciting as it sounds.
However listening to "I Am the Doctor" from Doctor Who makes things infinitely more exciting than they would be otherwise.

Waiting...waiting...UM...you make me wait on the phone for so long. -_-

Oh for a Song to Sing, A Muse to Cry Unto

Reading words with no context.
With no voice.
Not being able to hear the tones and inflections...
Oh the pain.
Memories that are treasures,
start to weigh down
and feel the weight of glory.
That maybe all will be revealed.

And I can take you by the hand,
see your smile face to face
and we can walk in the Kingdom.
Unburden by chronic death
but flowing with everlasting Life.

Silliness of life.

So tired.
Achey.
But alive.
Breathing.
Wonder.
Hope.

Thank You for Grace.

Woah

Well the season premiere of Sons of Anarchy was insane enough to where I am not sure I can watch the rest of the season.

Just...wow.

Breathing again...so, so, so wonderful.

Wandering Souls

So cold in here.
Loosing feeling
and loosing touch,
so cold.

I miss warmth.
Hugs.
Feeling sure.
The capacity of assurance.

Days have gone by,
sun setting on the day
and I have to wonder.

What will come at night?
Will the shadows darken?
What will come out at night?
Will the demons show?

There is the wonde
as the soul wanders,
never finding contentment
but acting as a leech,
always wanting.

Something new,
something bigger
and something greater.

But I have not the capacity for such foolishness,
the night approaches
and my road hasn't grown shorter.
I still have to walk.
Even when there is no light to see by.
Step by step,
pace by pace
Hope I don't fall in the dark
and break my freaking neck.

At least
I have the hope
that the one who wanders
is not lost.
And maybe one day
there can be warmth
and hugs.

Money In, Money Out

Money in, Money out.
Bills come and stay.
Get paid.
Get replaced.
Get paid again.
And are sill replaced.

Cycles and never ending rotations.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.