Of Shadows and Reality

 Even after being told I am forgiven and loved... how do I move forward?

I want to beat myself senseless, do something to cause harm, do something that would damage... but that wouldn't make her better...

 Maturity is accepting the things we can change and the things we cannot change. I cannot change the past, I can take back actions that have caused pain and destruction. What I can change is how I move forward, to show respect, to stop running from reality, and to grow up.

"Reality is harsh to the feet of shadows"

-C.S. Lewis, "The Great Divorce"

Moving forward means stepping into the pain of Reality. A Reality that I am still unsure of but is more real than the lies I told myself and told the world.

Each step is painful and I do deserve pain... but it's not pain of berating myself up but the pain of moving from shadow to reality.  

Silly Little Rant

Why do I still bother with this social media junk?
Drama.
Drama.
And I don't know half the people, and half the people I shouldn't keep tabs on and stupid girls that bring back memories that should be erased and never recalled again.

Some memories should never have been.
Some hopes should never have  been given.
Some lies should never have been told.

Bitter?
Maybe?
But so are you.
And you.

We all have our secrets.
I just do not name names on here.
Because what is the point?
I could go to Facebook or Twitter.
Yell with my fingers until they bled.

When a person ceases to care,
or merely sees you as an asset
it is time to move on
and choose to live life.

Because Toxicity in relationships is all consuming.
I carry wounds from my childhood,
through my teens
and all the way through my twenties.
Scars.
Pain.
Shadows.
Darkness.

I smile to stop some tears.
And cry at the right time to make people believe it's okay. 
I hear Love.
Believe Love.
Then Love can vanish.
As if it never was.

How?
Can?

Confusion.
And
Hurt.

One day I will get over myself.
And grow up.
I suppose.