Ecclesiastes 3

"Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God’s work from beginning to end. So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can. And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God."
-Ecclesiastes 3:11-13


Time and time again.
Living, breathing, thinking, hoping, helping, walking, crying, writing, eating, moving, driving, seeing, feeling, playing, working...all of these "-ing" verbs with life and life some more.

Where is it all going?

It is much harder to make myself stop, listen, consider, wonder, hope and pray than it should be...but then again...I have this habit of making life a bit more complicated than it should be.

I just feel like I'm going in sleepy circles.
That I am also hungry as well.
Sleepy, hungry, slightly apathetic and just...

I do not want to just take life at face value and forget why I am alive, why it is I am bothering to live and act and do in the first place...

Where is the time?
Where is my time?
Am I wasting it?
Or can this safely be said to be life?
Living?
Doing my best while sick and in pain?
Maybe not always winning but at least trying?

I suppose there is no cosmic score board and even when I do fall down...grace is there...has been, even when I have lacked the faith to believe it.

I can say sorry, I'm so so sorry...and it is true but...what now?
What is the positive step in a right...correct, more correct than another direction?

And...

So many words, so little time and...
Everything is spinning out of control.
Here.
There.
Everywhere.
Nowhere.

Be and being.
Further tangents.
Again.
Ack.

But love and grace...faith and hope.
So much, so much wonder and goodness...beyond my grasp.
Beauty beyond beauty.
Wonder beyond wonder.

Quote of the Day:

"If there is anywhere on earth a lover of God who is always kept safe, I know nothing of it, for it was not shown to me. But this was shown: that in falling and rising again we are always kept in that same precious love."
-Julian of Norwich

Ecclesiastes 2

"So I decided there is nothing better than to enjoy food and drink and to find satisfaction in work. Then I realized that these pleasures are from the hand of God. For who can eat or enjoy anything apart from him?"
Ecclesiastes 2:24-25

The irony stemming from this is palpable.
It's a bit like getting smacked in the face with a spiritual 2x4 that had been wrapped in barbwire, doused in petrol and lit on fire.

The basic pleasures of life get stripped away by the fact that eating anything at all can cause me excruciating food for hours and hours on end.

It's a struggle to not be angry or bitter...or to just want to enjoy a meal without the risk or fear of being doubled over on the floor in a curled up ball of whimpering pain because of my bodies inability to just accept, process and enjoy the damn food.

Why?
Why...?

It's beyond my understanding.
As much as I gripe, whine, cry, pray, boast, falter, fall and just...be confused...I know, I know I am loved, I am wanted and I am pursued by a God whose furious love is like a hurricane...but still, having to suffer the pain...I cry out "Why?!?" and even though I could do nothing to ever earn grace...I feel I suffer because of some moral failure.

Which is absurd.
I can't earn love or grace.
Earned love and grace is performance for price...not love or grace.

So much love that I only feel sometimes and have so much doubt and fear about the love, about the grace...about everything and nothing.

I want to run in fields of flowers and dance until the sun goes down...but the pain that rips through my nerve cells makes me fall down and doubt.

Will this always go in circles?
Will there ever be a clear sign and path to walk?

I will walk.
I will smile.
I may not know but I can choose to walk and do my best.

"The mark of a genuine prophet is a tendency to snark — sometimes at God."

Ecclesiastes 1

"Everything is wearisome beyond description. No matter how much we see, we are never satisfied. No matter how much we hear, we are not content.

History merely repeats itself. It has all been done before. Nothing under the sun is truly new. Sometimes people say, “Here is something new!” But actually it is old; nothing is ever truly new. We don’t remember what happened in the past, and in future generations, no one will remember what we are doing now."
-Ecclesiastes 1:8-11

Scripture is not just a club to beat people with.
It's history is a guide, a tool to remind us of who we are, where we have been and where we have the potential of going.

Nothing is new under the sun, every sin and every good thing have been seen once and will be seen again.

Jesus is never caught off guard by our stupidity, our desperate need for Him and our never ending need to just be loved.

Humanity means living, it means dirtiness, it means failure, it means sin, it means pain, it means broken relationships...but it also means hope.

God spoke us into being with the full knowledge of knowing how screwed up I would be. My every sin, my every weakness, my frail heart, my aching body and my mind so prone to wonder.

My hypocrisy has never known bounds and so at least God is never caught off guard and the return to grace, the love, the beauty, the forgiveness...it's not cheap grace, it is grace bought by the blood of Christ and salvation worked out in fear and trembling...pain, so much pain...but grace where my broken nature and sin reigned.

There is always a choice.
I can choose to live or choose to die.
It's a day to day life, a day to day choice...here, there, everywhere...everywhere.

Ephesians 6

"A final word: Be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on all of God’s armor so that you will be able to stand firm against all strategies of the devil. For we are not fighting against flesh-and-blood enemies, but against evil rulers and authorities of the unseen world, against mighty powers in this dark world, and against evil spirits in the heavenly places."
-Ephesians 6:10-13


Words, words, words...words of politicians, ministers and teachers.
False words.
True words.
Words in varying shades of black, white and gray.

This war isn't about hurting, maiming or killing people.
Too much useless and utterly pointless bloodshed...for what?
Land and resources dead people can't begin to use.

Self righteousness to the end.

The battle is to love, to serve and put ourselves on the line for those the world rejects...we can't save anyone but we can love them.

Loving, protecting, serving and taking care of one person is enough to change the world.

There is so much darkness, so much reason to despair and hate...but there is this hope, this beauty, this wonder and this impossible goodness possible because of Christ...and the love that never ends, never dies...but is true and pure.

Quote of the Day:

"You need to get yourself a better dictionary. When you do, look up "genocide". You'll find a little picture of me there, and the caption will read "Over my dead body!"
-The Doctor

Ephesians 5

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. "
-Ephesians 5:1-2


Love so amazing.
Love so divine.
Demands my soul.
Demands my everything, demands my all.

So...much stress.
Pain.
Confusion.

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

Ephesians 4

"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love."
-Ephesians 4:1-2

In ways...is it melodramatic to say I feel like a prisoner in my own body?
I can't control my pain levels, how sick I am...but I do have the choice of how I react to things...forcing myself to work out, making myself eat healthier foods...and ultimately make myself see things as they are.

The pain, the sickness can make a darkness that hides life...that makes it hard to understand to see truth as truth.

It's a choice to love.
It is a choice to continue to fight against this darkness and refuse to give in.
To refuse to stop believing.
To refuse to let the pain control me.

I can and will choose hope.
And choose to live.

I just need strength, mercy and grace to carry me.
I need to learn love again and again...so I can show grace every time I fall down and every time I hurt.

Not just relearning the failures or bad...but choosing to live again and again and again.

Truth, honest and painful truth.
But truth all the same.

I wonder...if I can't find a genre in which my novels actually fall into...does that mean I am breaking into untapped territory?

Meep.

That is about the extent of it.

Good or bad...only You know.

I am just happy to be out of that localized hurricane of social destruction and heart stabbing melodrama.

It is indeed good to be alive.

Ephesians 3

"God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord."
-Ephesians 3:10-11

To be perfectly honest...I do not begin to see how any of this could be planned.

Of course, I am a human.
Finite.
Broken.
Easily made sad.
Perhaps a bit too emotional for my own good.
Yet, here I am.
Alive.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.
Loving.
Living.
Playing.
Reading.
Running.
Feeling.

All these emotions, states of being, actions, verbal exchange and cycles of life I fall into and around every day of my life.

How do you begin to understand or tolerate how complexly stupid we all are?
Why do you take mind of us?
Why did you create us when you knew how bad we would be?
Why does my body have to hurt so much?


The Darkness sees us, sees the Church that Christ made and He made us to stand as a testament to his grace, his power, his wisdom, his mercy...his love. How insane is that?

I do not understand...but You love me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words, these frail and broken words do nothing to convey the beauty of grace that I have tasted, that has called me from death into life.
You, You alone can take this broken body and shattered soul, piece them together and make something new...make something beautiful and wonderful.

These frail hands penning such weak words, this will all last just a bit longer...and then freedom from this misery, this pain and this fear.

Yet, there is life to be lived.
Now.
Such a struggle, such a painful struggle you have made easier with those who love and support me.
I'm not sure how I can process or handle any of this...but thank you.
Thank you again and again and again.

Quote of the Day:

"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
— Brennan Manning

Ephesians 2

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
-Ephesians 2:8-10

So much for workaholism.
Nothing, nothing I could do would begin to even start saving me, pulling me out of the muck and mire of my subconsciousness.

There are so, oh so many thoughts in my mind and tremors in my soul.
It feels that the only person who can never accept me is myself.
It is so self defeating and crippling.

I spend so much time feeling inferior and worthless over missing class or failing a quiz that all I want to do is find a corner to hide in.

A bit like those in Revelation crying out for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb of God.
A bit silly.
But so pointless and dangerous when I see the problem.

Breathing hurts.
It's the fibromyalgia mixed with the phlegm from whatever infection I have this week.

The grace in my soul isn't mine to make or keep.
Even with everything else rotating and spinning around my life...love is the reason.
I'm not sure how to let go and love but I want to try.
This life is so short, so fleeing...and I am going to hurt more before it is over.

I guess the question is what can I do with the time I have before it gets worse?
What can be done to help stop the symptoms from becoming worse?
What can I do with this time?

Love.
Smile.
Offer help.
Not crush myself under guilt or impossible goals.
But love those around me.
Give free with what I have given.

I speak so much God that I must never seem to listen.
Can you touch my heart?
Reach down and wrap me in Your love, today?
Like when you found that frighted and confused child so many years ago...I am still just a kid, wandering and wondering in fear...never knowing my way.

Thank you for being faithful to me when all I have ever done is try to show you how desperately I want you to live me alone.

I can't handle this pain on my own, please carry me.
Love, rescue me.

The Person I Never will Be

Who I am, is who I am.
Time flowing like a stream,
cutting across life
and making channels as its own.

I did not speak to the water
urging it forward,
nor did I dig to change the stream.

I woke up and saw myself
sitting here
and sitting there,
pages torn and confused
making me this throne
on a grassy hill.

I am so exhausted of words
and perfect little promises.

There is a voice speaking to quit
and I so desperately want to feel
and understand what it means to live.

I miss the tress
and calls of birds
from under the carpet of moss
and trees ancient as all the ties.

Point?
Purpose?

Look while you can.
This is all there ever will be.
Living in the shadows of fear
and imposed guilt
have left a broken
and wounded shell.

No longer can you control me
or tell me what I am not
because I am I.

Your permission was never asked
or wanted,
so live as you will
in your picture perfect bubble
and breath in your decay.

I hurt.
I am exhausted.
I feel so much pain.
The pain is more real than real
and so here we are.

Goodnight.

Quote of the Day:

“Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic -- if it is pulled out I shall die.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

I really hate the feeling of being a placeholder.
I know my life has more meaning than that...but...
Sometimes...I just really do not know.

I can sit here, paint a picture with these words...develop and make something and what is the point?

Words...

Oie.

"Oh the thought of what sets a person free
before I could ever love You back You gave Your love to me.
Now I see my sentencing reprieved,
you offer me Your everything even though I am still me."

Ephesians 1

"God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan."
-Ephesians 1:9-11

I suppose the ultimate question is, regardless of my temperament, is where in fact this cross of Christ will lead me?

The Scandal of God's Grace

God doesn't play favorites.
Does he?
He has no pride in loving me.
In love you.
Even though we've gone to great lengths to demonstrate we would have everything besides His love and grace.

Yet, such impossible and improbable love...

Galatians 6

"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died. It doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation."
-Galatians 6:14-15

This cross...is it my pain?
The weight on my spine and the shortness of breath?
It feels like everyday the sickness grows.
Tendrils wrapping around my soul and I try to breath.

Tendrils of pain.
God I just need to see again.
Can you open my eyes so I see, open my soul so I can feel?

I don't want this world.
I don't want the religious rules.
I need, I want to feel Your love so I can pass it on.

Is it possible that you still have a purpose for me when I feel so lost, so scared, so uncertain and not even knowing what the next step is?
Is it possible for you to forgive me more than seventy times seven, for you to find me laying in this gutter of self hate and disgust?

Thank you for the cross.
Thank you for the agony you endured for my sins.
Thank you for always loving me.
Thank you for finding me, holding me and carrying me.



"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"

Galatians 5

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."
-Galatians 5:1

I really do not like all this introverted thinking and feeling...because it means I have to deal with the real me that no one really knows.

The insecure narcissist who thinks the entire world is a story to unfold before him...and it goes on and on and on and on.

It's so irritating, so irksome, so dividing and just so frustrating to feel so divided and pulled in so many directions.

It's like I am addicted to the slavery of self and do not even know it most of the time.




Where is all this going?
Where is this life leading?
Every time I try to look and see it seems...
I feel so distant and unsure.
Is this normal?
Is this the life that needs to be lived?