Ephesians 5

Follow God’s example, therefore, as dearly loved children and walk in the way of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God. "
-Ephesians 5:1-2


Love so amazing.
Love so divine.
Demands my soul.
Demands my everything, demands my all.

So...much stress.
Pain.
Confusion.

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

Ephesians 4

"Therefore I, a prisoner for serving the Lord, beg you to lead a life worthy of your calling, for you have been called by God. Always be humble and gentle. Be patient with each other, making allowance for each other’s faults because of your love."
-Ephesians 4:1-2

In ways...is it melodramatic to say I feel like a prisoner in my own body?
I can't control my pain levels, how sick I am...but I do have the choice of how I react to things...forcing myself to work out, making myself eat healthier foods...and ultimately make myself see things as they are.

The pain, the sickness can make a darkness that hides life...that makes it hard to understand to see truth as truth.

It's a choice to love.
It is a choice to continue to fight against this darkness and refuse to give in.
To refuse to stop believing.
To refuse to let the pain control me.

I can and will choose hope.
And choose to live.

I just need strength, mercy and grace to carry me.
I need to learn love again and again...so I can show grace every time I fall down and every time I hurt.

Not just relearning the failures or bad...but choosing to live again and again and again.

Truth, honest and painful truth.
But truth all the same.

I wonder...if I can't find a genre in which my novels actually fall into...does that mean I am breaking into untapped territory?

Meep.

That is about the extent of it.

Good or bad...only You know.

I am just happy to be out of that localized hurricane of social destruction and heart stabbing melodrama.

It is indeed good to be alive.

Ephesians 3

"God’s purpose in all this was to use the church to display his wisdom in its rich variety to all the unseen rulers and authorities in the heavenly places. This was his eternal plan, which he carried out through Christ Jesus our Lord."
-Ephesians 3:10-11

To be perfectly honest...I do not begin to see how any of this could be planned.

Of course, I am a human.
Finite.
Broken.
Easily made sad.
Perhaps a bit too emotional for my own good.
Yet, here I am.
Alive.
Breathing.
Aching.
Hurting.
Loving.
Living.
Playing.
Reading.
Running.
Feeling.

All these emotions, states of being, actions, verbal exchange and cycles of life I fall into and around every day of my life.

How do you begin to understand or tolerate how complexly stupid we all are?
Why do you take mind of us?
Why did you create us when you knew how bad we would be?
Why does my body have to hurt so much?


The Darkness sees us, sees the Church that Christ made and He made us to stand as a testament to his grace, his power, his wisdom, his mercy...his love. How insane is that?

I do not understand...but You love me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Words, these frail and broken words do nothing to convey the beauty of grace that I have tasted, that has called me from death into life.
You, You alone can take this broken body and shattered soul, piece them together and make something new...make something beautiful and wonderful.

These frail hands penning such weak words, this will all last just a bit longer...and then freedom from this misery, this pain and this fear.

Yet, there is life to be lived.
Now.
Such a struggle, such a painful struggle you have made easier with those who love and support me.
I'm not sure how I can process or handle any of this...but thank you.
Thank you again and again and again.

Quote of the Day:

"Accepting the reality of our sinfulness means accepting our authentic self. Judas could not face his shadow; Peter could. The latter befriended the impostor within; the former raged against him."
— Brennan Manning

Ephesians 2

"God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it. For we are God’s masterpiece. He has created us anew in Christ Jesus, so we can do the good things he planned for us long ago."
-Ephesians 2:8-10

So much for workaholism.
Nothing, nothing I could do would begin to even start saving me, pulling me out of the muck and mire of my subconsciousness.

There are so, oh so many thoughts in my mind and tremors in my soul.
It feels that the only person who can never accept me is myself.
It is so self defeating and crippling.

I spend so much time feeling inferior and worthless over missing class or failing a quiz that all I want to do is find a corner to hide in.

A bit like those in Revelation crying out for the rocks to hide them from the wrath of the Lamb of God.
A bit silly.
But so pointless and dangerous when I see the problem.

Breathing hurts.
It's the fibromyalgia mixed with the phlegm from whatever infection I have this week.

The grace in my soul isn't mine to make or keep.
Even with everything else rotating and spinning around my life...love is the reason.
I'm not sure how to let go and love but I want to try.
This life is so short, so fleeing...and I am going to hurt more before it is over.

I guess the question is what can I do with the time I have before it gets worse?
What can be done to help stop the symptoms from becoming worse?
What can I do with this time?

Love.
Smile.
Offer help.
Not crush myself under guilt or impossible goals.
But love those around me.
Give free with what I have given.

I speak so much God that I must never seem to listen.
Can you touch my heart?
Reach down and wrap me in Your love, today?
Like when you found that frighted and confused child so many years ago...I am still just a kid, wandering and wondering in fear...never knowing my way.

Thank you for being faithful to me when all I have ever done is try to show you how desperately I want you to live me alone.

I can't handle this pain on my own, please carry me.
Love, rescue me.

The Person I Never will Be

Who I am, is who I am.
Time flowing like a stream,
cutting across life
and making channels as its own.

I did not speak to the water
urging it forward,
nor did I dig to change the stream.

I woke up and saw myself
sitting here
and sitting there,
pages torn and confused
making me this throne
on a grassy hill.

I am so exhausted of words
and perfect little promises.

There is a voice speaking to quit
and I so desperately want to feel
and understand what it means to live.

I miss the tress
and calls of birds
from under the carpet of moss
and trees ancient as all the ties.

Point?
Purpose?

Look while you can.
This is all there ever will be.
Living in the shadows of fear
and imposed guilt
have left a broken
and wounded shell.

No longer can you control me
or tell me what I am not
because I am I.

Your permission was never asked
or wanted,
so live as you will
in your picture perfect bubble
and breath in your decay.

I hurt.
I am exhausted.
I feel so much pain.
The pain is more real than real
and so here we are.

Goodnight.

Quote of the Day:

“Since my earliest childhood a barb of sorrow has lodged in my heart. As long as it stays I am ironic -- if it is pulled out I shall die.”
-Soren Kierkegaard

I really hate the feeling of being a placeholder.
I know my life has more meaning than that...but...
Sometimes...I just really do not know.

I can sit here, paint a picture with these words...develop and make something and what is the point?

Words...

Oie.

"Oh the thought of what sets a person free
before I could ever love You back You gave Your love to me.
Now I see my sentencing reprieved,
you offer me Your everything even though I am still me."

Ephesians 1

"God has now revealed to us his mysterious plan regarding Christ, a plan to fulfill his own good pleasure. And this is the plan: At the right time he will bring everything together under the authority of Christ—everything in heaven and on earth. Furthermore, because we are united with Christ, we have received an inheritance from God, for he chose us in advance, and he makes everything work out according to his plan."
-Ephesians 1:9-11

I suppose the ultimate question is, regardless of my temperament, is where in fact this cross of Christ will lead me?

The Scandal of God's Grace

God doesn't play favorites.
Does he?
He has no pride in loving me.
In love you.
Even though we've gone to great lengths to demonstrate we would have everything besides His love and grace.

Yet, such impossible and improbable love...

Galatians 6

"As for me, may I never boast about anything except the cross of our Lord Jesus Christ. Because of that cross, my interest in this world has been crucified, and the world’s interest in me has also died. It doesn’t matter whether we have been circumcised or not. What counts is whether we have been transformed into a new creation."
-Galatians 6:14-15

This cross...is it my pain?
The weight on my spine and the shortness of breath?
It feels like everyday the sickness grows.
Tendrils wrapping around my soul and I try to breath.

Tendrils of pain.
God I just need to see again.
Can you open my eyes so I see, open my soul so I can feel?

I don't want this world.
I don't want the religious rules.
I need, I want to feel Your love so I can pass it on.

Is it possible that you still have a purpose for me when I feel so lost, so scared, so uncertain and not even knowing what the next step is?
Is it possible for you to forgive me more than seventy times seven, for you to find me laying in this gutter of self hate and disgust?

Thank you for the cross.
Thank you for the agony you endured for my sins.
Thank you for always loving me.
Thank you for finding me, holding me and carrying me.



"And everyone cries out Your name, as the world is raped by selfishness
And no one knows the way to heaven, we only know the emptiness
And the storm it rages in my heart, and the endless empty roars in my ears
My world is coming all apart, I've no strength left to dry my tears
And through it all I hear Your voice, breaking my heart, breaking my will
Calms the storm inside my soul as You whisper "peace, be still..."

You place Your hands around my heart, You quiet the emptiness in me
A king that kneels, a God made a servant, You set the captives free
You wait for me, a wretch of a man, no record of wrongs do You keep
You are comfort when I mourn, You are strength when I am weak
Jesus Christ, the king of kings
Though we ache, though we cry, never break, never die
We sing of His great love again and again
And His love reigns forever, and forevermore
Forever and ever, Amen"

Galatians 5

"Christ has set us free to live a free life. So take your stand! Never again let anyone put a harness of slavery on you."
-Galatians 5:1

I really do not like all this introverted thinking and feeling...because it means I have to deal with the real me that no one really knows.

The insecure narcissist who thinks the entire world is a story to unfold before him...and it goes on and on and on and on.

It's so irritating, so irksome, so dividing and just so frustrating to feel so divided and pulled in so many directions.

It's like I am addicted to the slavery of self and do not even know it most of the time.




Where is all this going?
Where is this life leading?
Every time I try to look and see it seems...
I feel so distant and unsure.
Is this normal?
Is this the life that needs to be lived?

Galatians 4

"And that’s the way it was with us before Christ came. We were like children; we were slaves to the basic spiritual principles of this world.

And because we are his children, God has sent the Spirit of his Son into our hearts, prompting us to call out, “Abba, Father.” Now you are no longer a slave but God’s own child. And since you are his child, God has made you his heir."
-Galatians 4:3, 6-7

Reading this sort of thing is hard.
Hard because I am not allowed to hate or look down on myself.
As much as I really just...don't like myself, God does.

God loves me.
God longs to know me.
God wants my attention.
God wants my love to be given to Him.

More than just some sorry attempt at covering my bases and spiritual leanings...but love, mad and divine love which goes beyond my ability to grasp.

It's frustrating and yet...still so wonderful.
So amazing.
So beyond my words.
Beyond any ability of mine to express.

"Father, hear my voice, be it small
Here I am, though I am nothing at all
Dost thou still see something to love in me?
If it be, You will carry me away
That I might live today"

"Did you see me falling down from Heaven
Breaking every bone I have
So I tried to touch the sun
I had another fall
You can do the math
I was wrong is what they'll say
I watched their smiles fade away
I watched their black and white turn gray
Their picture-perfect worlds decay today
Today I fell to Earth again, again
I guess I failed You
I guess I cannot win

Today, today
I fell away
I fell away

Did you see me falling down from Heaven
Trailing wings of melted wax
Accelerate
At nine point eight
Accept the fact I'm going to crash
And so-called friends have gone away
And all advice will cease to stay today
Today on fragile wings I tried to touch the sun
As wax and feathers melted
All my dreams have come undone today

You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken wings together
You lift my battered soul
You mend my broken bones together"

Galatians 3

"But Christ has rescued us from the curse pronounced by the law. When he was hung on the cross, he took upon himself the curse for our wrongdoing. For it is written in the Scriptures, “Cursed is everyone who is hung on a tree.” Through Christ Jesus, God has blessed the Gentiles with the same blessing he promised to Abraham, so that we who are believers might receive the promised Holy Spirit through faith."
-Galatians 3:13-14


Life feels so meaningful and worthless at the same time.
How can things matter and not matter at the same time?
What does it mean to be loved?
What does it mean to love in this world?

Everything and nothing.
Something and sometimes.

Through it all, You have been steadfast and here.
You carried this broken mess of my life.
Time and time again.
You clean up my messes.
When I fall apart You are here to hold me.

Thank you seems so shallow and inappropriate.
Thank you for this breath of air.
Feeling grace in such a real way.
Knowing I am loved for being me.

Thank you.
Again and again.
I ache and cry, the pain and falling, living and dying.
Thank You.
Again and again.
Such wonder, such beauty.
Please help me learn how to love.
If you say that is how we can and will overcome.
Who am I to argue?

Yeah...I am such a fool.
Nothing new there though...

Sometimes...I simply have to wonder at how blazenly stupid I can be.

I think I may have just coined a new phrase with blazen.

Oie.

Why do I bother with such pointless and meaningless gestures and words when none of it will ever be returned in the slightest?

Plus side...maybe I'm getting better and the pressure and gunk in my chest will leave sooner than later.

So exhausted, so all over the place...so drained.

I wish my soul, heart and mind were lest apt to care...much less over such stupid and trivial means...

"Tell me the reality is better than the dream
But I've found out the hard way
Nothing is what it seems

I push my fingers into my eyes
It's the only thing that slowly stops the ache
But it's made of all the things I have to take
Jesus it never ends, it works it's way inside
If the pain goes on, I'm not gonna make it"