Bah...I hate feeling alone...and isolated...
At least my cat doesn't make me feel judged.
Although because of the medication I think I may finally be sleeping more than he does during the day...

I'm awake...weird sleep and nap.
I wish I had something new to say...but I'm just exhausted and mentally far away...somewhere that I don't know.

I feel so foolish...even a touch of stupid over everything...

I just...oh dear...why do I even bother writing in this thing? Anyone already knows what I am thinking...all the fear, dread, self doubt, self loathing...this, that...at least I had an incredibly encouraging conversation this afternoon that was a God send.

I'm still jittery...nervous...and trying to tell myself that the test is going to be worth the discomfort and pain because they finally may find something this time...but yeah...I'm not really fooling myself. I can fool everyone else as long as I can keep my mouth shut and write about happy things...however I'm too tired to care about making everyone else feel better.

I can't carry that weight nor do I wish to...I'm not a hero or a saint...just Matthew...all the good and bad that comes with it. Maybe one day I'll stop trying to accomplish the impossible...and just be myself. That may serve to not drive as many people away from me all at once...

I feel so...so cold and numb.
I already know these tests will show nothing.
I wish I was stronger so I could just support everyone and still have strength for me...but I feel exhausted and dead and like...it is almost like none of it matters.

I'll go, experience more pain...get no answers...maybe try another doctor or another hospital...this is so frustrating...on top of everything else.

I just...no longer have the desire to put any effort forward right now...I'm going to ache, hurt and fall apart irregardless if there a name for it or not.

Well meaning people are sometimes the most upsetting and aggravating.

It's stupid...but I'm scared.
Even if things were somehow different...I would still be walking on this lonely road alone. We're born and die alone...and time in between is spent in confusion trying to figure out where we are, where we are going and just why exactly...we all feel the way we do.

I have hope.
I don't exactly have peace.
I don't know what will happen.
I can hope and have faith...but love...it is a distant and confusing concept that I am trying to watch and evaluate again...and just come to some conclusion that I can understand...and find solace in.

Time keeps passing and going away.
I have nothing more and nothing less than myself to offer.
Only slight tweaks as the years go on...hopefully they are me becoming a better and more giving person...less angry and malicious...the last thing I want to do is repay pain with pain...because nothing will change that way.

Hope.
Faith.
And the smallest traces of what might be confused for being aspects of love, floating around in this broken and crooked heart of mine.




"So, so you think you can tell
Heaven from Hell,
Blue skys from pain.
Can you tell a green field
From a cold steel rail?
A smile from a veil?
Do you think you can tell?

And did they get you to trade
Your heros for ghosts?
Hot ashes for trees?
Hot air for a cool breeze?
Cold comfort for change?
And did you exchange
A walk on part in the war
For a lead role in a cage?

How I wish, how I wish you were here.
We're just two lost souls
Swimming in a fish bowl,
Year after year,
Running over the same old ground.
What have we found?
The same old fears.
Wish you were here."

Psalm 116

1 I love the Lord because he hears my voice
and my prayer for mercy.
2 Because he bends down to listen,
I will pray as long as I have breath!
3 Death wrapped its ropes around me;
the terrors of the grave[a] overtook me.
I saw only trouble and sorrow.
4 Then I called on the name of the Lord:
“Please, Lord, save me!”
5 How kind the Lord is! How good he is!
So merciful, this God of ours!
6 The Lord protects those of childlike faith;
I was facing death, and he saved me.
7 Let my soul be at rest again,
for the Lord has been good to me.
8 He has saved me from death,
my eyes from tears,
my feet from stumbling.
9 And so I walk in the Lord’s presence
as I live here on earth!
10 I believed in you, so I said,
“I am deeply troubled, Lord.”
11 In my anxiety I cried out to you,
“These people are all liars!”
12 What can I offer the Lord
for all he has done for me?
13 I will lift up the cup of salvation
and praise the Lord’s name for saving me.
14 I will keep my promises to the Lord
in the presence of all his people.

15 The Lord cares deeply
when his loved ones die.
16 O Lord, I am your servant;
yes, I am your servant, born into your household;
you have freed me from my chains.
17 I will offer you a sacrifice of thanksgiving
and call on the name of the Lord.
18 I will fulfill my vows to the Lord
in the presence of all his people—
19 in the house of the Lord
in the heart of Jerusalem.

Praise the Lord!

"Sometimes the bravest thing of all is to hope."

I feel cold and numb this morning all over...it certainly beats the pain I have been in...but I am having trouble stringing thoughts and words together...just...yeah...

Why did I stand so transfixed by the thought of playing music for so long?
That whole band, music, lyric...that thing I tried for years to accomplish before finally just giving up on it? When did I finally give up on that and just decided to move on with life?

I guess that is just moving on with life...and eventually I will get to a point where the whole relationship thing won't even come to mind or really even matter to me...it'll just be a drop in the bucket of events and ideas that have shaped who I am. Even with all the problems I had stemming from it...I don't know if I will even be thinking of it or talking to those in and around it in six months, a year...ten years...it is all that it is.

Things keep changing...keep spinning away from me...and I am just not even sure I know how to breath properly...

The cool mists keep blowing around me, ever changing as they shift here and there not bound by shape or form. They edge along like time, going wherever they go and yet I remain bound to this spot. I am not sure of my name or my place...simply that I am, I was and there is a possibility that I will be.

Nothing...nothing...nothing.


"The TV dies more and more for each day
And the beauty of your eyes (in my head)
Makes the flashing lights behind me on the wall look even more pale
Four o’clock and the sky is getting red
And here I am, just me waiting
Waiting for the sun to come out

I’m throwing myself at you
And I’m holding on for dear life
Can I scream out of tune in this choir
God help me scream

We are to follow
We are nothing running blind
We are to follow
We are so sick of it now
We are to follow
But I’m scared to be left behind
We are to follow
Nothing now

What if I would stand still and get moved
By You"

"Speaking Out Against Calvinism"

Showbread posting this is yet another reason why I love that band so very very much...

Medical Melodrama

The scans and the blood work revealed nothing.
The soonest that I can be seen by a specialist is September 21st at 8:40.

Now that I know how things are going to be...I can actually say with absolutely no sarcasm and complete sincerity that I am glad I was broken up with. I already put one girl through the Hell of having to deal with me while physically and mentally falling apart and being on the edge of insanity and loss of reason at times...I have little desire to do that to anyone else.

I thought I had already ran the gauntlet and been through the worst...I had figured out an exercise regimen and diet that I could uphold...still working on find mental and spiritual peace...but hey, one out of three isn't too bad for me...but...

Is this going to be the rest of my life?
Pain?
Contrary to popular thought it doesn't get better with time and no you do not get used to feeling like you are melting from the inside out. I can appreciate well meaning intentions but this...

Why do you keep prompting me with Paul's writing from Corinthians?
I know it was not coincidence she mentioned his writings on the phone this morning...and you keep sending this zarking passage to me:


"That experience is worth boasting about, but I’m not going to do it. I will boast only about my weaknesses. If I wanted to boast, I would be no fool in doing so, because I would be telling the truth. But I won’t do it, because I don’t want anyone to give me credit beyond what they can see in my life or hear in my message, even though I have received such wonderful revelations from God. So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud.

Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. That’s why I take pleasure in my weaknesses, and in the insults, hardships, persecutions, and troubles that I suffer for Christ. For when I am weak, then I am strong."
-2 Corinthians 12:5-10


What do I have to boast about?
Driving people away from me because of trying to do the right thing?
Being afraid of trying to work in churches because of being ostracized and further alienated for daring to actually read the Bible?
What am I suppose to do, thank you for pain that leaves me crying and breathless?
Am I supposed to humble myself and thank you for allowing me to suffer more than I thought I could?

I'm not Paul, I'm Matthew Pike. I'm not an apostle just a student who can barely handle attending church because of the anxiety. I'm not a messenger and I'm not even a writer...I am just me.

I don't know what else I can say.
Does it even matter?

I am scared.
I am in pain.
I don't know what to do.
I am afraid that I am never going to be better and that each day is going to continue this trend of being excruciating pain with no real results...no real progress.


And yet I still believe.
I can't put it all into exact words...or phrase things to my liking...but I still believe and just...you can take such horrible things and turn them upside down and make something good come out of it.
Even this pain.
Because I believe in you, I love you and need you.



When you were dead in your sins and in the uncircumcision of your sinful nature, God made you alive with Christ. He forgave us all our sins, having canceled the written code, with its regulations, that was against us and that stood opposed to us; he took it away, nailing it to the cross. And having disarmed the powers and authorities, he made a public spectacle of them, triumphing over them by the cross.
-Colossians 2:13-15

If you could take something as horrifying as your death on a cross...and turn it upside down and cast aside Satan and death...what could you do with this?
I am weak, so weary, so tired...so very, very tired...but could you please take this pain, take this fear, take this living nightmare...and make something beautiful of it?





"And I know it aches and your heart it breaks
And you can only take so much
Walk on

Leave it behind
You've got to leave it behind"

My life can currently be described as being a cross between Pink Floyd's "The Wall" and Nine Inch Nails' "The Downward Spiral".

Good albums.
Not exactly my idea of a vacation however.
I am going to be so upset (ironically) if all this sickness is psychosomatic.

More pills.
More medication.

Childish?
Self deprecation is...the rest of me...I don't know...don't know...

I'm not happy...I don't enjoy being in bed taking pills and feeling pain.
That is something...I don't enjoy where I am at...I am just not sure where I am working myself towards...because I feel so...

Bah.

I can't even get coherent thoughts...focused...still so...confused...disoriented from medication and the call...this is reading like very horrible postmodern fiction...maybe I should just delete this, delete the blog and just put a picture of a kitten or something.

That would certainly increase the number of return readers.

There is a bitter taste in my mouth...is it from medication...memories...or maybe the fact my tongue has a life of its own and hurts people I care about?

How is it certain people can always just...get under what little armor I have...and pierce my soul?

Apparently the antibiotic I am on is also used to prevent and/or treat Anthrax.

Neato.

For my next medical trick it will turn out that my blood will be used to cure every disease known to man because I have been subjected to so many medications.

Or an organ explosion.

One of the two.

Psalm 114

"Tremble, O earth, at the presence of the Lord,
at the presence of the God of Jacob.
He turned the rock into a pool of water;
yes, a spring of water flowed from solid rock."
-Psalm 114:7-8

You brought water for the dying from a rock...my soul needs nourishment because it is parched, it is starved...for love, true love that lasts beyond the temporal.

My body is full of fear...I am so confused and tired...I just want to be full of love again and have my brokenness repaired.

This is shaping up to be a memorable week...I at least I keep my appendix for now. I wonder what else I can either loose or get rid of before we hit September?

Falling into Sleep

Scratching echos
and vivid times,
split across worlds
and found again in this room.

I feel the life bleeding out
and I wonder why,
just why it was tried
when full well knowing
it couldn't, shouldn't
and never would work.

Periods of time wrapped in dimensional space.
I am sick of everything as it is not
and the forced delay of climax.
If I have my Jesus
why would I care about being married?

I wish relationships of all sorts were indeed for the weak
because I am so tried and too tired
to bring any of it together.

So much medication, so much pain, so much fear...
and it is just you and me here...what matters if others see?
Maybe it will either drive to or so far away from my faith
that they don't know what hit them.

It matters...it does not matter.
It's both.
It is also nothing all at once.
It is lies coming in through your headset
and your eyes bleeding from seeing pain.

If one was lucky people would just say he was insane,
the worst part might be trust
is that everything will work out
and one day I will be healed.

I want to say it matters but it is so hard
to make that last
to make the words stick
to be able to say what I mean
and truly mean it in words.

I lay here tortured by small images of flickering light
revealing my weaknesses and vividly illustrates
lies, fears, truths and hope...everything and nothing.
All a base formula of insanity.

"nothing can stop me now
I don't care anymore
nothing can stop me now
I just don't care
nothing can stop me now
you don't need me anymore"

Psalm 113

"He lifts the poor from the dust
and the needy from the garbage dump.
He sets them among princes,
even the princes of his own people!"
-Psalm 113: 7-8


In so many ways I feel like I am laying in the dirt, the dust and mud you formed man from....I just feel like a broken vase that needs to be broken down so maybe I can be salvaged and rebuilt.

Why do I hate myself so often so many times?

Why...how...why would you bother taken one as dirty and broken as me and place me beside your throne...I deserve nothing and so often just wish to break myself...than you for letting me find some pain relief...and for looking after me...and loving me.

I want to praise you in this hellish storm of confusion and pain.
Please teach me to love.
Please.

I'm so tired of the stress of being sick...half fumbled promises of yesterday and the notion that I have to continue on..even if I cannot function at all.

Quote of the Day:

"Why am I afraid to dance, I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter? Why am I afraid to live, I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea? Why am I afraid to love, I who love love?"
— Eugene O'Neill

Sometimes I just don't know...

Psalm 112

"Praise the Lord!
How joyful are those who fear the Lord
and delight in obeying his commands."

"The wicked will see this and be infuriated.
They will grind their teeth in anger;
they will slink away, their hopes thwarted."
-Psalm 112:1,10


Fear...respect...love...cherish...so many thoughts about You...so many things...thoughts, contemplations...I'm not sure.

So many things I do not know...and just...

I need you.
So much.
I miss you.
I love you.
I need you.

I want to feel your presence, feel it in such a vivid and real manner that I can just let go...let go and be in your arms...fall in love again...and more than emotion feel your strength, the infinite nature of you that shakes me to the core and reminds me I am yours.

I just...I'm here.
Things have shifted and I am so confused and afloat...and I just want to know you more. I want to love you. I want to be loved by you.

Have I said the same words over and over enough?
This all feels so fake...I feel fake.
I just need you.

Hope

I just want to run into your arms.
Run there and hide from the world.
Everything is fleeting
and everything is passing
soon this age will be no more.

Daddy I need your love,
Father be my Father
and watch over me.

The day is coming soon
when this will be no more
and all I can do is hope
and wait.
Looking off into eternity from this dock
as I watch the waves of time
roll in and out.

Hoping, waiting,
just holding on while looking
and anticipating
for the climax of love.
Seagulls overhead
as the wind blows from the West
carrying sweet smells of life.
Divine love,
redemption for creation
and a world without end.
Hope, never ending hope.

So far, so good, or so they say from mission control,
The deep of space is no place for a fragile human soul.
The rockets burn as servos click and turn,
and fall into their place.
Robots can't cry,
don't laugh,
can't die,
In the darkness of space.
He is strong, made of steel with the graphite lining,
Watch his eyes flicker slow like the batteries are dying.

Space Robot 5,
Is he alive?
So very alone,
So far from home.

Three strands of wire,
Threefold the tie that binds.
She is the one thing on the earth for which he still pines.
To his heart she was life,
So he prays to his Maker with a sigh,
As his fire sputters out,
Because robots never cry.
-Brave Saint Saturn, "Space Robot 5"

Quote of the Day:

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
-C.S. Lewis


My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.

It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.

There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.

It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.

All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...

I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.


I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?

Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.

I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.

I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...



I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.

That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.

I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.

There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.

Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".

Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.

I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.


Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.

I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.