Quote of the Day:

"The pain I feel now is the happiness I had before. That's the deal."
-C.S. Lewis


My mother actually reminded me of this quote earlier...I'm not sure if she intended to be profound...but the idea of the change of relationships being so much like that of death...just struck me as being more true than I could realize.

It is a death of some sort...one might even say like a seed going into the ground or a caterpillar weaving a cocoon to live in.

There is the reciprocation that occurs with relationships...the more we invest our time, energy, love, passion and desires into it...when it ends is the greater the pain we experience.

It's the trade off we receive for such things.
The grander the passion, the greater we will suffer when it inevitably has to end.
There is nothing that will survive this world unscathed.
Especially something as pure as love.

All the philosophy, wisdom and theology do absolutely nothing to console me in my pain. I pray, I cry out and receive no answer...I thought it was something of God...but it was not. Quite clearly the one sided misery I suppose would be enough to illustrate that...

I just do not understand this.
People are so utterly confusing and every time I think I understand something and simply take it for granted there is this explosion.


I want so desperately to be right about it...for things to work...but what is the point?

Quite clearly if it wasn't worth fighting for...worth striving for, worth dividing Hell and Heaven over...then it wasn't love. Or at least love from how I understood it, felt it, experienced it, breathed it in, devoured it, drank it in...not just emotions, not just a mental exercise...but this all encompassing shaking of my soul.

I felt my soul tremble before God...and before her.
Maybe it was something I had built up in my head...but I do not think so.
There was something...beautiful, wonderful, amazing, breath taking...wonder beyond wonder...awe-inspiring awesome.

I started to understand WHY and HOW marriage in and of itself could illustrate the furious longings of God for us...the weakness, the power, the pain, the wonder...all of it, all of it, all of it...



I refuse to die over this.
My soul has been hurt.
I feel as though it has been stabbed deeply and an infecting poison is flowing throughout it.

That is why I write.
I write to preserve what little sanity I have left.
I have to write the thoughts that come out...I like knowing others read but ultimately if I was the last person alive I would still be writing, typing, putting words everywhere.

I don't understand what happend.
I still feel as though I was hit by lightning.
Ran over by a van.
Shot by something annoying.

There is an irritation in my soul with no relief.
And I do not know if I seek the cure.
I can't listen to the majority of my music now because it has changed meaning.
I no longer view it in the same light.
I can't.
I thought, I felt, I saw and now no longer.

Why?
That is the perennial question with no resolution.
I guess it has no meaning and doesn't matter if it is answered.
God responded to Moses and Job by saying "I Am".

Jesus mentioned to me while I was driving today that he knows what it is like to not have love or affection returned...not that I am trying to pull my own needless messianic tendencies but...all the pain, all the pleasure...everything that is here and there...are reflections of what is to come and what has always been.

I doubt.
I fear.
I have pain.
More pain than I feel I can ever bare.
More emotion than I ever wanted.
My tears are not wiped away and they are my food and drink.


Such beauty.
Such grace.
Such power.

I mentioned having the power to destroy this soul...I overstated that madam, but barely.

A Wishing Well

Potent thoughts
playing at mixing metaphors
with proverbs
under a twilight sun.

To pretend to be other than myself
would result in a poorly made tapestry,
when all I wish is to spin a tale,
talking of truth
and many more convenient lies.

Murky water filled with grains,
possible versions flitting in the light
as I hope
just hope to be true
and...

The problem is that I deny joy
or wish for pain
it is my place here,
within the shadows
where I am forced to parlay.

The memories,
facades playing out on the wall
are my weakness,
these simulated
and faltering caricatures.

I have pain as my drug
but I am never coming down
because of the sin.

I can't pretend these rusted coins matter
because they are my memories,
flickers of shiny metal
in red light
as everything fades from view.

All opinions
deep thoughts
that make me want to scream
because I want to stop
and no longer feel.

I just do not understand.
It doesn't process
and sadly
I can only lie
just a bit more.

I thought I knew.
I swore I understood.
But the times have changed
and everything
has been pulled out
and I am falling,
wind in my hair
arms out
as I pray
seeking,
looking,
hoping,
for whatever may
just may be.

Seriously God?
Do you just happen to keep hitting the 'spite' button next to the 'smite' button?
Blargh.

Just...bargh.

Margh.

I really want to kick something.
But I don't want to break a toe.

The whooshing noise is me kicking the air.
Incredibly angrily.
Very angry air kicks.

Well that stabbing pain hurts.
*sigh*

I have prayed.
Beaten my body to death with exercise.
Still feel nauseated.
I just...don't know what to do.

I just a piece of hair from my cat fly off my computer keyboard and it was almost enough to make me cry.

I quite clearly have some issues.

However...I don't know what to do...

I wish I had someone to watch Doctor Who with right now...it is so emotional and insane that I just can't stand watching it by myself.
Lame as that is.

"So let us come boldly to the throne of our gracious God. There we will receive his mercy, and we will find grace to help us when we need it most."
-Hebrews 4:16


"And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven’s Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place. And since we have a great High Priest who rules over God’s house, let us go right into the presence of God with sincere hearts fully trusting him. For our guilty consciences have been sprinkled with Christ’s blood to make us clean, and our bodies have been washed with pure water."
-Hebrews 10:19-22

Psalm 111

"He has paid a full ransom for his people.
He has guaranteed his covenant with them forever.
What a holy, awe-inspiring name he has!
Fear of the Lord is the foundation of true wisdom.
All who obey his commandments will grow in wisdom.

Praise him forever!"
-Psalm 111:9-10


I...want to be faithful.
I have been so concerned about...people...things...her; decisions, choices, consequences, sin...things.

Why...do I care...and concerned...and...and...and...

I don't know how to cope with any of this.
Your glory, your majesty, your perfection...and then there is actually living life...sins, passion, feelings, things...more things, even more things...me being too far above people to where there is no real substance of relationship.

I am either petrified or screw things up...the beautiful thing is You don't hate me. I sometimes think you are the only one who cares...and conversely the only one who can hate me so much...

But...but...grace?
Love?

I am so tired.
I am so so tired.



What do You want from me?
Love, trust, intimacy...I just want to be yours.
You paid for me with blood...blood I can't take for granted by just behaving like a juvenile. I have been a fool...and just I don't know.

I don't know...

I feel a bit stupid.
Yeah...

And...another day.
Pity how that seemed to have worked out.

So much...for...

Bah...my faith is so weak.

I feel like I am in a waking nightmare mixed with a joke...I am waiting for the punchline that simply isn't going to come.

*sigh*

Whatever...it's just me being the nice guy again.
Getting ran over.
My thoughts...feeling...state of being...it is all irrelevant.
I am so sick of this.

"Memories and possibilities are ever more hideous than realities."
-H.P. Lovecraft

So far from home...

I just don't know what is real...I am not sure.
I thought I knew.
I want to cry...and let out the years of not knowing...but I have peace right now.

I dreamed.
I still dream.
Such beautiful dreams of hope.
But they aren't allowed to be mine...

I do not know.
I want to have peace with not knowing, with being confused and in the pain.
I want to bless your name for the good and the bad.
I want to be able to thank you for letting me live at all.
It is so hard, so very hard.

But you are still good.
Even when things do not make sense.
Even when I feel such bitterness and betrayal.

I feel.
I see.
Both more than any of you might still believe.
But nothing can be forced or made to happen.

I am so tired.
So very alone.
So empty right now.

Messiah born in Bethlehem, you knew what it was like to be in a group of people but still be alone. You know what it is like to cry, to mourn over what feels like the death of hope...of everything I thought I knew.

You see me laying here, you see me in pain.
I guess it was stupid to think things would work with her...and that I finally was working my way on a path to some sort of semblance of a life that makes sense.
I trusted...and forced my heart open and just...don't understand what I did wrong...where I went wrong and how I sinned...what I did...

Why does it always end up with me being alone like this?
I know I am not alone...but...I'm here now in pain.
Trying not to throw up, trying to stay focused but God...I am in so much pain.
My body and soul both ache and have no relief.
What can I say?
What can I do?

Does it even matter?
Does it even matter if it does matter?

I just...do...not...know.
I cannot keep living like this.
I cannot keep loosing everyone I grow attached to.
I feel so jaded and broken...that I just don't even want to try anymore.
I don't know what else I can say...type...or pray...
I am just tired.
So tired.
So alone.
So far from home.
So very alone.

Psalm 110

"The Lord said to my Lord,
“Sit in the place of honor at my right hand
until I humble your enemies,
making them a footstool under your feet.”"

"The Lord stands at your right hand to protect you.
He will strike down many kings when his anger erupts."

-Psalm 110:1,5



I've had several crying and cursing fits...I've given into self loathing and self hate, wanting to just fall over and die...finally I have gotten a little sleep...and just my mind is so blah.

I have a little bit of piece of peace in my heart and soul right now...that I didn't expect.

You have loved me, even when I am so confused, in so much pain and unsure of what to do.


No matter what happens...I want to remain faithful and bless your name.
I know I am selfish and overemotional...I want to take care of myself and stop with letting myself be dragged around just because.

Please let me sit at your right hand, cover me and keep me safe from the poison of the enemy's arrows. The venom that makes me seek depression and pain...lift me up above this senseless crap...you are so beautiful and made me for more than this petty pain.

Thank you for choosing me, loving me and wanting me.
You chose me.
You want me.
Oh thank you Lover, thank you.

You made me to be a man and that is what I want to be.
You've called me to be a servant and son of you, my King.
You have given me a message and I wish to give it.

Whatever the cost, however much it hurts...I want to follow you to the ends of this world.
Send me and I will go.
Send me please.
Let me hear so I might share love.

What is the purpose and point?
Love God, love others, love self...
I feel like I have lost the point.

Was it stupid to make so much of me...that?
That even the thought of it going rips me apart and throws me to the ground?

It is so dangerous.
I don't want to sleep.
I'm afraid the nightmares will just get worse.
And I'll never wake from them again.
I am afraid this night will last forever and I will never see hope and...my beloved has gone...for good.

It is all my fault.
It has to be.
That is why the yelling happens...and the pain.
My sin.
My punishment for surviving.

Maybe...maybe...maybe...

"Moment of Surrender" - U2

I have nothing.
I am broken.
I have no words Father.
My world has been turned upside down and I have been found wanting.
My faith is so weak.
So easily disturbed and broken.

If you want me, just send me.
Throw me in whatever direction you want.
I just don't care.
I don't care anymore.

I don't want to care anymore.
I want this broken and fetid thing that pretends to be a heart, I want it to just die.
No more Lord.
Please.

Prayer

Everything I say, everything I write is mere condemnation of my state of being and will just result in more conflict and words that I don't want to share.

It is amazing how I can go from feeling okay, to being worried about something...to just having my worst nightmares come true in a matter of seconds.

It doesn't matter how much I scream of if I just punch this wooden bed until my knuckles bleed.

I can scream my voice raw and paint bright red pictures of every insecurity in my arsenal and let them stay there...and what would it matter?

I can beat my head against this wall and cry, just wanting to know why...what I did...why I feel so disgusting and repulsive...why I couldn't grow up with a daddy...it's all about me.

It always comes down to me.
What makes me happy.
I have never uttered a selfless prayer.
I feel the weight of this sin and want to just throw it up.

I feel so sick...I hate this poison in my veins.
I hate the weakness that comes from love.
I am angry, I am scared, I am sad, I am upset...upset...

I feel like...trash, the second rate garbage I have always been afraid of being.
Well not always...but close enough.

Every dirty and disgusting thing I am, I am, I am.

Awe.
Fear.
Trembling.
Revulsion.
Disgust.
All.
Nothing.
Revolving in here.
I hate.
I hate to feel.
I want to be numb.
Medicated.
Cold.
Cut off.
Cut open.
Showing everything I am.
Everything sin I am.
Revealing the insides.
Letting it in.
Showing it off.
Everything I haven't had.

I can't stand this.
I want to scream.
I want the blood vessels to erupt.
I want to just throw myself on the wall.
Paint a red picture.
Show everything I am.
Everything I will never be.
All the lies I am.
Every repulsive thing.
Knowing all is well.
Because it's a lie to be.

A hundred thousand voices crying.
Every revolving sin.
Shame.
Pain.
Pain.
Sin.
Greed.
Hate.
Pain.
Pain.
Hate.
Cutting deep.
Flesh rotten with disease.
Just hiding sin within.
Every last flaw.
Every last flaw.
Everything that is.

I cry out and ask why.
I can't breath.
It hurts.
Why did my heart have to feel again?
I hate this thing.
I hate emotion.
Medication.
Stiffing thought.
Cut off, cut out.
Just ripping apart.
Everything I thought I knew.
The false rose glasses I clutch in bleeding hands.


I am so angry and so scared.
I can't paint anything,
My words are such utter shit.
I can't paint anything.
I want to bleed.
Just have my heart cut open to shown, to feel.
I can't stand who I am.
I hate being David's son.
I hate who I am.
I hate who I was.
Who I am and will never be.

I thought.
It was.
Why?
Why?
Why does it have to be ripped away?
I thought it was.
Was it not?
I don't know.
I can't breath.
I don't know how to be.
How to act.
No one wants to hear it like this,
just bad words.

I know, I know there is good.
This isn't just a game.
That things will be okay.
But I hate feeling.
I hate emotion.
I hate knowing this won't be the end.
I want to be Home.
I can't stand this.
I wish I could find solace.
There is no peace.
Just delaying the inevitable.
If I don't loose her today, I will.
No one stays.
Everyone leaves.
It all ends.
It all will end.
Death.
Blood.
Pain.
Grotesque pictures of Hell.
Everything I am afraid of.
I am sick of this life.
Everything wrong.
Nothing really right.

I want to vomit up my sin.
Show the world.
Let them know.
Just let them see.
The hypocrite.
And disgusting bastard I am.

I hate me.
I hate me.
I feel such negative emotion.
I don't want hope.
I just don't care.

Why bother impressing people who just want stuff?
Well meaning maybe.
I can't cope with this.
I can't handle change.
I wasn't made to be like this.

I just don't want to breath.
I can't handle this.
I don't know how to be.
I don't know what to be.



I pray.
I ask for help but it will never come.
God, you won't answer me, will you?
I can be paraded into the arena but there will be no rescue.
I just wish you would have not made me like this.
Why am I alive?
I am in misery.
I can't breath without pain.
I move, I want to scream from the pain.
It hurts to stand up, to lay down.
It fucking hurts to live.
It doesn't feel you care beyond some large scale plan that only vaguely involves me.
I don't understand.
I am not sure I want to understand.
I just know the longer I am alive the greater the pain will be.
I want to scream.
Just yell.
What do I matter to you?
What does it matter if I press on?


I won't die.
I am not done suffering.
My life is going to be so much longer than I can bare.
And I will loose more.
So much more.
I know.
Is it sick that it seems like YOU are the one telling me I will suffer?
I should have known things would explode...that the fears and nightmares would be true.
Loosing her, loosing this, loosing my steps...I just can't cope with this pain.

Why?
Could you please just give me a small measure of peace for once?
Instead of just writing me off and making me wait.
I need something.
Anything.
I can't cope.
I can't breath.
Why?
Why?
What did I do wrong?
I thought...maybe...just maybe.
Why?
Am I damned to just cause the brokenness wherever I go?

I want to hurt more.
I want to fall apart completely.
I want to stop caring.
I just want this heart to die.
I never want to love, I never want to feel again.
I would rather be dead inside and stop this pain.

I am not brave.
I'm not chivalrous.
I am not honest.
I am disgusting hypocrite.

Everyone I know goes away in the end.
I can't just use drugs, beer or use sex to blind myself.
I am too smart and too stupid to fall into sin.
I still feel convictions to help everyone even when I want it all to end.
I can't quit.
God I want to quit so bad.
I want to tell you how angry I am and how much I just don't care.
But your love is still here.
It hurts like Hell but you are still here.

There is nothing that can fix me.
The emotions, memories and feelings won't stop.
I want it all to end.
I can't breath.
I can't comprehend.
I just wish I could fucking breath.
I trusted.
I trust.
So confused.
So scared.
So scared and upset.
I don't know what to do.
I pray and there is such loud silence.
It's only getting worse.
I thought there was change.
I thought there was something different.
I'm doubting again.
I thought I knew love.
I thought I saw love.
Was I lying again to myself?
Making it all up as I go along?
I just don't know.
I don't want to feel anymore.
I just don't want to see again.
I don't want anything.
I can't handle it.
No more.
Please.
Just let it end.






Kind of hard
Hard to see
When you crawl
On your hands and your knees
With your face
In the trough
Wait your turn
While they finish you off
Don't know when it started
Don't know how
Should have found out
Should have happened by now
Got these lines
On my face
After all this time
And i still haven't found my place

I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all

I wake up
On the floor
Start it up again
Like it matters anymore
I don't know
If it does
Is this really all
That there ever was?
Put the gun
In my mouth
Close your eyes
Blow my fucking brains out
Pretty patterns
On the floor
That's enough for you
But i still need more

I jump from every rooftop
So high so far to fall
I feel a million miles away
I don't feel any thing at all

"Roads" - Blindside

"There's something moving in the shadows
There is that rumor of hope
When the spirit starts roaring
For so long we have but no longer will we cope
Love is personified
I'd rather die in love
Than stay alive numb
I'll still call it home
I'm still longing home

Where the sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
Where it's bright when I shut my eyes
I'll drink until I'm not thirsty
The sun never dies
Shine away my shadow
It's just waiting to rise

I'll see You on that day
When I walk those last steps Your way"

Meh.

At least I played nice, didn't stab anyone and stopped myself from throwing up.

All in all...

Here goes...

I am starting to really hate metaphorical foxes.
Normally I like all of God's little creations but I really want to kick these annoying metaphors in the head. -_-