It's always the small things that remind me and produce such...melancholy.
I hope people don't think I am antisocial...I just am not sure how to turn all the memories and thoughts off...throw in the nausea and it's just like...yeah.

It's a beautiful day.
One that could easily produce tears by itself.

Why do I have to think about or worry about those who for all practical rights and purposes...those gone away? I do not know...

Midnight Melodrama

I was staring at the chipped mirror in the run down place.
Just feel the pain rip through my body again while I leaned over the sink, keeping my face close while looking at my exhausted and stubble covered face.

"Lord, what the Hell am I doing here?"

It's not the first time I have ever asked that.
I guess it won't be the last time I asked that.

Why am I in this city?
Why am I on this path?

I have lost three friends this summer.
All of it is safe to say because of my fault, because at times...because of me being weak, or an idiot...but it is not all of my fault. I am to blame just as any car wreck may be two people's fault.

That is what I feel like right now at this late hour, after horribly screwing up while trying to dance...and seeing such a...look I never want to see again.

Never too late to breakdown...never too late to cry.
It's never too late for regret
or just to stop and say hi.
It's never too late to pray
and hope for a drop of grace.

My strongest inkling right now is geared towards self hate.
For loosing these bonds, these relationships.
For the decisions I am about to make which will result in more bonds being snapped.
Why am I damned regardless of what I do?
Why do I have to decide and cause pain?

I want to do the right thing...but God I want the pain to stop.
Please.
Please let the pain for others stop.
I have been more than happy to suffer indefinitely in the past...but I am reaching a point where I can no longer just...hurt indefinitely.

I want to heal from the pain.
I really want to grow old from age...not because of dealing with too much stress or trying to be Jesus.
I want to see the snow fall again.
And feel the close love of friends.

The cross is in my sight and I do not want to shame Him because of not being able to deal with pain.

I'm on the verge of making a dramatic life decision, please pray for me.

What sort of madman dedicates his doctoral dissertation to his wife?

Just saying.

Psalm 62

"I wait quietly before God,
for my victory comes from him.
He alone is my rock and my salvation,
my fortress where I will never be shaken."
-Psalm 62:1-2


You are the only one who really knows me...every thought, every shameful secret, every failure, how excruciating the pain is in my body...and in my soul.

I am ashamed of my weakness, the fact I am weak at all...that I can't be perfect and help everyone...where does this insanity come from?

At no point did You say I have to fix the world, that I have to 'save' everyone...

You said I was supposed to love You, love others, love myself and be faithful.
That is all You ask of me...everything else are details to be worked on.

I want to find real rest in You, in any circumstances...I can't love the people in the house, in my life, my family, my friends, any church, any people, anyone on a real level by myself.
There will reach a point where I freak out and want to run away...where pain becomes real and I have to sacrifice to make things work.

I want the shadows within me to be stopped.
Give me the strength to rage against the night within myself so that I never am content with a mediocre spiritual life. Quite me down, hold me, love me, keep me near...watch over me so I can sleep at night, protect me from the darkness that feels almost tangible.

I want to remember how to love.
Teach me again.
Sing over me my Love, restore my heart while purging it of everything that is wrong.

I love You, oh how I love You.


"Touch me
Take me to that other place
Reach me
I know I'm not a hopeless case

What you don't have you don't need it now
What you don't know you can feel somehow
What you don't have you don't need it now
Don't need it now
It was a beautiful day"

I need peace, quiet and rest.
That sounds lovely.
Being able to work on a paper in the relative peace and quite.

I don't know how I am going to be able to finish reading this accursed book tonight and try to finish writing about it.

Melodrama makes my head hurt...

Psalm 61

"From the ends of the earth,
I cry to you for help
when my heart is overwhelmed.
Lead me to the towering rock of safety,
for you are my safe refuge,
a fortress where my enemies cannot reach me.
Let me live forever in your sanctuary,
safe beneath the shelter of your wings!"
-Psalm 61:2-4


Peace, hope and love.
Please...please...let me feel your presence.
Wrap me in Your perfect and unending love.


All my plans...all of my desires all destructive and revolve around me...I want to help...I want to love.

Help me get perspective on my life, on this walk through life...and not just beat myself up or find reasons or ways to guilt or feel bad...but true peace.

Words.

"Incandescent moon is shining
Just for you tonight
Shimmering a golden halo
Does it follow just beyond your sight?
Sigh
You're an angel
Wanting wings for flight
Tonight
Baby's breath in the waxing light
Glassy seas of blue
I will dream of you

Let's close our eyes till daylight comes
Baby's breath and chrysanthemums
So beaming blue these dreaming skies
In soundless sleep now close your eyes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Till daylight
Till daylight comes
Just close your eyes till daylight comes"

Psalm 60

"Have you rejected us, O God?
Will you no longer march with our armies?
Oh, please help us against our enemies,
for all human help is useless."
-Psalm 60:10-11

What are humans?
What help is our broken race?
Every breath is labored and it seems we are all merely a step away from utter destruction.

There is so much beauty in this life, despite the pain.
Despite all the pain I cause.
How can I be so...
Do you know the words I dare not whisper in the night?
Why?

This nature makes no sense.
Everything comes and goes...changes so quickly...

But thank you for life.
I worry I am walking alone and You come to me and whisper love and carry me in my intense pain.

With all the aches in my soul and body...the failings of heart and life...You have been so faithful, You have loved me...how can I ever say anything but I love You?

Even though I have never truly loved you...I want to...I want to learn how...teach me, keep me near...please do not leave me to my sin...but wash me, renew me and give me wings to fly again.

Give me hope and strength so that I may proclaim Your love by my life.
For You.
For You alone.

What a nice and fun day...glad to just...see friends, get some work done...get away from a lot of the stress...despite the fact I'm putting myself in a bit more.

I mean...there is...

Sometimes it may just be better to say nothing.
Biting my tongue is not a talent I have...but I think I have screwed up enough lives in recent memory...that it may be best to retreat for a while...pray, gather my thoughts...and hope solitude isn't where I will spend the rest of my life...

Quote of the Day:

"Mysticism keeps men sane. As long as you have mystery you have health; when you destroy mystery you create morbidity...the whole secret of mysticism is this: that man can understand everything by the help of what he does not understand. The morbid logician seeks to make everything lucid, and succeeds in making everything mysterious. The mystic allows one thing to be mysterious, and everything else becomes lucid."
-G. K. Chesterton

Psalm 40

I waited patiently for the Lord to help me,
and he turned to me and heard my cry.
He lifted me out of the pit of despair,
out of the mud and the mire.
He set my feet on solid ground
and steadied me as I walked along.
He has given me a new song to sing,
a hymn of praise to our God.
Many will see what he has done and be amazed.
They will put their trust in the Lord.

Oh, the joys of those who trust the Lord,
who have no confidence in the proud
or in those who worship idols.
O Lord my God, you have performed many wonders for us.
Your plans for us are too numerous to list.
You have no equal.
If I tried to recite all your wonderful deeds,
I would never come to the end of them.

You take no delight in sacrifices or offerings.
Now that you have made me listen, I finally understand[a]—
you don’t require burnt offerings or sin offerings.
Then I said, “Look, I have come.
As is written about me in the Scriptures:
I take joy in doing your will, my God,
for your instructions are written on my heart.”

I have told all your people about your justice.
I have not been afraid to speak out,
as you, O Lord, well know.
I have not kept the good news of your justice hidden in my heart;
I have talked about your faithfulness and saving power.
I have told everyone in the great assembly
of your unfailing love and faithfulness.

Lord, don’t hold back your tender mercies from me.
Let your unfailing love and faithfulness always protect me.
For troubles surround me—
too many to count!
My sins pile up so high
I can’t see my way out.
They outnumber the hairs on my head.
I have lost all courage.

Please, Lord, rescue me!
Come quickly, Lord, and help me.
May those who try to destroy me
be humiliated and put to shame.
May those who take delight in my trouble
be turned back in disgrace.
Let them be horrified by their shame,
for they said, “Aha! We’ve got him now!”

But may all who search for you
be filled with joy and gladness in you.
May those who love your salvation
repeatedly shout, “The Lord is great!”
As for me, since I am poor and needy,
let the Lord keep me in his thoughts.
You are my helper and my savior.
O my God, do not delay.

Meanderings through Miry Clay

I only like to pretend it is easy to mistake Your voice for something I want.

I know truth.
And I do not want to let my Calvinist friends have any points on this...but the truth is I hate the truth, I hate what is good and cling to my own selfish needs. I would never have chosen You unless You would have intervened and pulled me out of this mud...this Hell.

Why else would I be so short tempered, cranky and all around a jerk to those who need help the most?

Why is it so hard for me to just openly communicate my fears, doubts, pain...all of these negative things that about drive me mad at times? Why can I not simply let them out in small bursts opposed to letting them all build up until I explode like I did the other week?

I know I am human...but I want to be like my Jesus...the one who bled and died to redeem a belligerent and apathetic people. The Jesus who was a friend to tax collectors, prostitutes, beggars, cripples, freaks, rejects from society...



The music is so beautiful because I somehow...in someway...feel Your grace...as if I was one step closer to being with You with no more separation between us...like writing...it goes beyond time and space...and there You are.

The darkness, this taint within me that screams for bloodshed...that surrender my soul to the depraved...

...and yet...hope remains.
Hope hasn't died.

The end is not here...
I will not simply give into despair and die.
I refuse.
This great salvation will not have been in vain.

Matthew 18:1-9

"About that time the disciples came to Jesus and asked, “Who is greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven?”
Jesus called a little child to him and put the child among them. Then he said, “I tell you the truth, unless you turn from your sins and become like little children, you will never get into the Kingdom of Heaven. So anyone who becomes as humble as this little child is the greatest in the Kingdom of Heaven.

“And anyone who welcomes a little child like this on my behalf is welcoming me. But if you cause one of these little ones who trusts in me to fall into sin, it would be better for you to have a large millstone tied around your neck and be drowned in the depths of the sea.

"Woe to the world because of the things that cause people to sin! Such things must come, but woe to the man through whom they come! If your hand or your foot causes you to sin, cut it off and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life maimed or crippled than to have two hands or two feet and be thrown into eternal fire. And if your eye causes you to sin, gouge it out and throw it away. It is better for you to enter life with one eye than to have two eyes and be thrown into the fire of hell."

Psalm 59

"You are my strength; I wait for you to rescue me,
for you, O God, are my fortress.
In his unfailing love, my God will stand with me.
He will let me look down in triumph on all my enemies."
-Psalm 59:9-10


I have no strength right now.
I am so weak.
I feel so tired.
I just am exhausted.
I ache.

Do you understand?
Do you feel the pain I am talking about?
Do you know how I feel right now?
As though I am caught in between two worlds...not truly on earth or in eternity...but this incredibly painful mishmash of the two.

I am so tired of hurting...of disappointments, of pain, of feeling so weak and empty and just...burned out beyond understanding.

So dry.
So empty.

I can't breath...I feel so far, far, far from You or from understanding.

You are supposed to be my strength...yet You feel so far away right now...as if You were nothing but mere wisps on the furthermost reaches of my mind.

But I have hope this will not last forever...I long so desperately for You...You are my life and my Love...and never shall we parted...so soon...oh so soon...

Goodness...oie.

I need to escape all over again...

So strange...so strange...

It may seem silly...but a few words do go a long way...a long, long way actually...

Everything that was and will Never be

Hope.
Hope.
Hope.

God I just want to feel,
break me out
pull me out
and save me from my Hell.

Everything
falling
just breaking
and becoming
whatever it will be.

I miss my Muse.
The inspiration
beyond understand
replaced
by self condemnation,
doubt and guilt.

Hope.
Beautiful hope
that none of this will remain
but that
peace will soon overflow.

Spiraling Out of Control

Seeing life as I see
falling out of sync
and full of speed,
I reach full momentum
and feel the rips form
as I fall away
just away from you.

It's another day
just another way
of realizing
everything
just all that is
and will ever be
is limited by the finite
and I will be forced
to say my farewells
kissing everyone goodbye.

Innocent whims of hope
wanting to feel
and know the dawn is coming
and that I'll never be alone.

Just silly childish things
like my heart in my chest
loosing ground because of the pain.

What is real?
I am digging this hole
just to throw everything
so I can tangibly feel my regret
and embrace this stupidity inside.

It gnaws at my soul
and scratches on the inside of my chest
just with no true rest
on this perpetual
and madding
course.

What is this?
I am not sure I ever really knew.
Regret fills my soul
at the pain I have caused.
Innocent to everything but what mattered.

I just wanted to love and be loved
but...what are these inkling thoughts?
Such an endless and perpetual
struggle to breath.

This truly dies
only when it is closed.
Breath...press on...and live.

Quote of the Day:

"Can a mortal ask questions which God finds unanswerable? Quite easily, I should think. All nonsense questions are unanswerable."
-C.S. Lewis

Psalm 53

"Only fools say in their hearts,
“There is no God.”
They are corrupt, and their actions are evil;
not one of them does good!"
-Psalm 53:1

I have been this fool.
In just denying with how I love...how empty...how useless and pointless how I convey love.

It is the systematic breakdown of my cheap imitation of faithfulness.

I want to do good...but I never desire it...I want to desire hope...love...charity...goodwill...peace...compassion...love...love...love...

But my heart is wracked with all of these doubts and ill things.
Father...I'm sick...oh so sick.
I need You to heal me...to make me right again.

This...none of this...is right.

Help me start...anew.

Please.

With the people I have hurt...offended and pushed further from Your Love...please forgive me, help me to forgive myself and rededicate myself to living not to please them...or myself...but to simply receive and convey this infinitely beautiful love that is my drug, my oxygen...everything I need and want so badly.

=/

Oh dear...oh dear...I suppose there is no way you will know but I'm praying, have been praying and will continue to pray oh so fervently...