I have such a high degree of pride. I try to make comments like "I'm so tired of humanity" or "Wow, glad I didn't have much faith in human beings to loose" as if somehow I am separate, somehow different and not made of the same material...as if I wasn't an amphibian...partly living my life in the physical and part in the spiritual.
I think there is this sadistic streak of megalomania running through my mind so I can continue to justify so how selfish of a life I live, somehow justify the fact I waste so many resources when the majority of the world's population lives in Hell on Earth.
There is this fear of facing who I really am and as long as I do not let anyone else see him then I do not have to. I have grown so good at this job of living hypocrisy that I have myself fooled.
I mean, the world is a stage right? We don't have a say about going out on it but we do have a choice about who we play and I try so desperately to not be me. Every time I open my mouth I spew forth the sort of nauseating trash that any good that comes of me isn't me...it is the living One who has killed the finality of death.
It feels so tainting to realize that all of us have the exact same potential of good and evil. None of us are as unique as we want to think we are...because when you strip away all of these outside thoughts...we have the exact same blood, the same need, mostly the same wants...we segregate ourselves into like minded community so we do not have to face the fact we are vastly inept and codependent creatures needing to leach off of one another so survive.
And the greatest thing, to my shame, is being able to manipulate truth without even realizing it. I speak in half truths because my mind is much too hazy to even think straight and I can distract people from the full portrait of my collective failure by telling them just enough for them to see me, then everyone can stop and admire my honesty, my truth, my struggle, my agony I put on display on here as a freak show. The only difference is I don't get paid for showing off the ugliness of my soul. The wretch that I am under these clothes and this skin.
That is the problem...this isn't unique...some of us are just damn good actors able to hold things together long enough to earn a paycheck and cash it before we kill ourselves by drowning in our self loathing hypocrisy.
Despite me inability to feel genuine compassion for anyone outside of my self driven narcissism...I still feel the pain embodied in people's souls...it is a bucket of ice cold water that renews my self hate and guilt. Realizing that people are actual sentient beings...real people...full of real pain, real emotions, real disappointments, real weakness, real tears, real problems...real. Dangerously real, painfully real...and the answers feel so cheap and hollow when they are in context.
It is just...painful and real...something I do not enjoy seeing...especially when I'm put into the context of other people...it means coming clean about my ego, my self appointed god over the masses...able to call people out for their fake life...all the while I hide behind Jesus using him just as much as anyone else has. I don't want him ruling or being righteous, or loving others...because that means I am just as wrong, just as broken, just in need of His love. His correction, His grace, His touch...it means more then just confessing...but putting life into perspective after living for myself in the ways I've learned how from a life of self appointed hypocrisy.
But that is the horrific beauty of the situation...I can continue to berate myself in this public way...but no one can no what these words mean...except me and the Ineffable One, it's only between us two. This plays out in public because I'm fool enough to actually tell people what I think and feel...I can't help it...it's weird...it's the sickness of self and just how much I hate living two lives...unable to reconcile everything around me and within me with the life around me.
I'm so tired of the cold and wet making me shiver in this desolation of the soul...I'm so tired of making the same idiotic decisions for years at a time...wasting my life and Your time...it feels like the best I can do is say I'm sorry, I'm sorry and please love me, hold me close once again and pull me up from this wasteland I keep finding myself in again.
I just want to run away, to go away from everything...to just find myself in a desert where all I can do is just lay myself bare, pull off the hypocritical lies I wear as my clothes, pull myself apart, just lay here and know what sacrifice means, to know what truth is...to know that when I bleed and feel pain...it's just the same as anyone else...no one is above anyone...we are all made equal before this Throne and words fall short yet again...how wonderful, how vast, how incredibly without beginning and end is Your love...your nature.
Even in this darkness, even with the contempt I hold towards people...keeping them at arms length just so I can justify everything I do not want to be true...there is ample love...the end isn't here, just the beginning.
No matter the darkness, no matter how shockingly real this pain is...love carries, love redeems, love wins over this life, over this broken and twisted world that holds no sense. I can only cling to this in lost hope that no matter how dark the night, no matter how much I resent help, no matter how much I want to be by ,myself, no matter how much I hate you...that as I lay here dying in the addicted narcissism of my soul, of this dying body...of this broke and weeping soul...that You have carried me through this night and the sunrise is coming. That I curse and hate you doesn't matter...that I've screamed my throat raw telling You how much You are wrong...that this creation is wrong, that You have failed...you hold me in love, you made me in love and you will carry me from this world in love. Love.
Words fall short...that fall short time and time again.
I have nothing I can say to express understanding of this grace.
Just draw near again, make me clean, make me see life as it is and how it can be. Forgive my doubt and hate. Just, thank you. Thank you.
Saturday, March 28, 2009
Friday, March 27, 2009
Blank Canvas
There is so much of my mind right now that is just so empty and fuzzy right now. It is so hard to focus or anything.
It is so annoying...so frustrating right this moment.
It is so annoying...so frustrating right this moment.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Tuesday, March 24, 2009
Dah de dah
Insufficient...just this mixture of words I do not know.
My soul feels cheap.
I have some serious doubts about several vivid aspects of life.
Fatigue isn't one of them however.
My soul feels cheap.
I have some serious doubts about several vivid aspects of life.
Fatigue isn't one of them however.
Monday, March 23, 2009
On the other hand...
Initially I was going to say "Boy, I think I am going to throw a rock at the face of every smug Christian minister I went to school with that makes 'clever' mocking remarks about other traditions, religions and beliefs."
Then I realized the hypocrisy of such a thought.
Then I thought: "Five bucks to anyone who pegs me in the face with a rock every time I make a hate filled hypocritically complaining remark about someone else."
Then I realized I wouldn't have a face left...along with just having embodied the self flagellating of Catholicism I despise.
So instead...prayerful silence.
Then I realized the hypocrisy of such a thought.
Then I thought: "Five bucks to anyone who pegs me in the face with a rock every time I make a hate filled hypocritically complaining remark about someone else."
Then I realized I wouldn't have a face left...along with just having embodied the self flagellating of Catholicism I despise.
So instead...prayerful silence.
In the Sounds of Your Mind
Indeed the frailties of the heart are many
and how few is its strength,
and of these few
remain but faith, hope and love
but may it be known
that through fiery resolve
it may be said
that these will endure.
These can endure
and that these must endure.
Now and until we wade
through the ebbing tides of eternity.
And may it not be said
you were never missed
oh dearest muse,
kindling of the flames
that are sparked here in the heart.
Breaking both rhyme and meter
as you speak plain and true.
and how few is its strength,
and of these few
remain but faith, hope and love
but may it be known
that through fiery resolve
it may be said
that these will endure.
These can endure
and that these must endure.
Now and until we wade
through the ebbing tides of eternity.
And may it not be said
you were never missed
oh dearest muse,
kindling of the flames
that are sparked here in the heart.
Breaking both rhyme and meter
as you speak plain and true.
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Words, Just Meaningless Words
Sometimes, if not all the time, I get so livid...so frustrated...so upset...because I can be such an apathetic, uncaring and insensitive jackass.
I hate how sick I am...how weak I am. How absolutely revolting I am. Like so smug comedian who knows how the joke works on everyone but himself. How all the dice fall and how wrong the world is.
Oh yes, it is me oh it is me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in my trailer taking down nausea medicine and praying to God something either gets fixed or a car just hits me to put the world out of my pain.
I hate how sick I am...how weak I am. How absolutely revolting I am. Like so smug comedian who knows how the joke works on everyone but himself. How all the dice fall and how wrong the world is.
Oh yes, it is me oh it is me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in my trailer taking down nausea medicine and praying to God something either gets fixed or a car just hits me to put the world out of my pain.
Saturday, March 21, 2009
So This Is...
Somethings do nothing but press this depressed part of my soul deeper and further into the hole it wishes to hide in.
There is so much heartbreak, so much suffering, so much pain and what feels like so little that can be done.
Praying feels insufficient. Simply just talking, just saying "Oh, I'm sorry you have terminal cancer, a heroine addiction, that your baby just died or anything...and that I'll pray for you." It feels so empty, so insufficiently hollow.
There is no love without action and the only life worth living is one devoted to serving in love...but God, it hurts to even think of the pain. I want to hide from myself and from God just because I feel so insufficient.
Love does win, without any lack of confidence it does. The love given from above and what shards we humans manage to assemble in this hell on earth...but it is not enough, God it never feels enough.
So many words feel so hollow and devoid of meaning. So many thoughts are just beyond realism that ridicule would never be sufficient.
What does it all mean?
The deeper I press into my soul, that has fallen into this hole, the deeper I press the sharper the pain and the more focused my clarity becomes.
It is nice to be able to stop and take a breath of air. No matter how dark this night becomes and the number of innocents lost...there has to be more than this Terra firmer...this collection of incidents that form life. Not just out of hope but there has to be more than this benign reality television laden empty cow eyed staring cookie crumbling bastion of morality failed hole in the ground...because this doesn't do it for me.
It's not just me, it's the soul that incorporates this broken shell that cries for hope and love beyond this world. That needs the love.
That needs your love, your hope and the peace that defies this world's understanding.
There is so much heartbreak, so much suffering, so much pain and what feels like so little that can be done.
Praying feels insufficient. Simply just talking, just saying "Oh, I'm sorry you have terminal cancer, a heroine addiction, that your baby just died or anything...and that I'll pray for you." It feels so empty, so insufficiently hollow.
There is no love without action and the only life worth living is one devoted to serving in love...but God, it hurts to even think of the pain. I want to hide from myself and from God just because I feel so insufficient.
Love does win, without any lack of confidence it does. The love given from above and what shards we humans manage to assemble in this hell on earth...but it is not enough, God it never feels enough.
So many words feel so hollow and devoid of meaning. So many thoughts are just beyond realism that ridicule would never be sufficient.
What does it all mean?
The deeper I press into my soul, that has fallen into this hole, the deeper I press the sharper the pain and the more focused my clarity becomes.
It is nice to be able to stop and take a breath of air. No matter how dark this night becomes and the number of innocents lost...there has to be more than this Terra firmer...this collection of incidents that form life. Not just out of hope but there has to be more than this benign reality television laden empty cow eyed staring cookie crumbling bastion of morality failed hole in the ground...because this doesn't do it for me.
It's not just me, it's the soul that incorporates this broken shell that cries for hope and love beyond this world. That needs the love.
That needs your love, your hope and the peace that defies this world's understanding.
Tuesday, March 17, 2009
"These Frail Hands" - Brave Saint Saturn
In this broken place where I was born
It seems there is no peace
And the very soil we walk upon
Is filled with tears that never cease
And you can trace the scars of hopelessness
Like sweat upon the backs
Of all the outcast and downtrodden
Water slips through cracks
Hold on, hold tight
And I am overwhelmed with grief
To see such suffering
For those who lack the voice to speak
All those of us left stuttering
May this not prevail
Dear Lord, Your love will never fail
And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way
When crippling anguish clouds our sight
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth
Set their claws to bring the night
Hold on, hold tight
Darkness can't perceive the light
Though lightlessness has chilled us numb
And though its wings may cloud the skies
The dark shall never overcome
Light of the World
Your love has never failed
And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease
Your love
Your mercy
Your light unending
Your hope
Your peace
Your strength my heart is mending
Daylight
Save me
It seems there is no peace
And the very soil we walk upon
Is filled with tears that never cease
And you can trace the scars of hopelessness
Like sweat upon the backs
Of all the outcast and downtrodden
Water slips through cracks
Hold on, hold tight
And I am overwhelmed with grief
To see such suffering
For those who lack the voice to speak
All those of us left stuttering
May this not prevail
Dear Lord, Your love will never fail
And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
When the concrete of the world
Becomes too cumbersome to lift
And the cataracts of fear and doubt
Cloak truth beyond what we can sift
And darkness, darkness bleeds its way
When crippling anguish clouds our sight
The ghosts of dusk have bared their teeth
Set their claws to bring the night
Hold on, hold tight
Darkness can't perceive the light
Though lightlessness has chilled us numb
And though its wings may cloud the skies
The dark shall never overcome
Light of the World
Your love has never failed
And these frail hands
They tremble as they pen perhaps their last
And these weak words
Can never say what cannot be surpassed
I need Your love
And most of all I want to feel Your peace
I need Your love
Let everything that You are not decrease
Your love
Your mercy
Your light unending
Your hope
Your peace
Your strength my heart is mending
Daylight
Save me
Sunday, March 15, 2009
Your Eyes, to me
Resounding echoes seek to contort
and amplify far beyond
my reach or imagination.
So many lights
in so many colors,
just painting the sky in bright hues
reflected in your eyes
just reminding me of the lack of time
just as the sun seeks to die.
Darker in red and purple
wanting naught but the end
of this fleeting moment
capsulized in a unit we call time.
Resounding with heavy thoughts,
beautiful by itself
and in deeper meaning
amplified by the one who made it.
Being and time in an unexpected juxtaposition,
stark naked and staring into your eyes.
Every measured moment you count,
stealing your breath over beauty
and those intense eyes
brimming with such passion
and furious love that has toppled kingdoms,
empires and still dares you and me to change.
and amplify far beyond
my reach or imagination.
So many lights
in so many colors,
just painting the sky in bright hues
reflected in your eyes
just reminding me of the lack of time
just as the sun seeks to die.
Darker in red and purple
wanting naught but the end
of this fleeting moment
capsulized in a unit we call time.
Resounding with heavy thoughts,
beautiful by itself
and in deeper meaning
amplified by the one who made it.
Being and time in an unexpected juxtaposition,
stark naked and staring into your eyes.
Every measured moment you count,
stealing your breath over beauty
and those intense eyes
brimming with such passion
and furious love that has toppled kingdoms,
empires and still dares you and me to change.
Saturday, March 14, 2009
The annoying part is not being able to express that which is unexpressed. To be forced to deal with what we have been given and nothing more.
Oh God, oh God.
What is it now?
What more drama?
What more heartbreak just to help others?
Will this cycle never end?
Even thought I want to keep screaming until I die from my lungs exploding, I just have to whisper how much I love you.
Hallelujah.
You alone are worthy of love.
Thank you for not leaving me here, even though it hurts so bad.
Even though I feel more confused then ever.
I want to try and wish the best for the rest of these
but God I'm so upset and angry for love.
Something I don't know how to accept I feel vile disgust towards those who find it and are able to cherish, because I'm such like a monster in that is unable to be happy for others or my own lot.
I'm greedy, too much, I'm just sinful, too much.
God I need you, this love, please.
Hallelujah.
Oh God, oh God.
What is it now?
What more drama?
What more heartbreak just to help others?
Will this cycle never end?
Even thought I want to keep screaming until I die from my lungs exploding, I just have to whisper how much I love you.
Hallelujah.
You alone are worthy of love.
Thank you for not leaving me here, even though it hurts so bad.
Even though I feel more confused then ever.
I want to try and wish the best for the rest of these
but God I'm so upset and angry for love.
Something I don't know how to accept I feel vile disgust towards those who find it and are able to cherish, because I'm such like a monster in that is unable to be happy for others or my own lot.
I'm greedy, too much, I'm just sinful, too much.
God I need you, this love, please.
Hallelujah.
No Candy Filled Center
What more have I to say?
I have screamed my throat raw and cried into soundless sobs.
Here it is, the vast circle of nothingness I'm staring into.
I won't lie and say I see more than what the truth is and what little I see is more than I ever wanted.
I need out, out of this way, out of this life, out of everything.
Silence for once.
No more responses, no more confusion, no more feeling my heart just rip itself out of confused agony. And, over what?
This.
This?
This.
My sincerity is so false that I am no longer aware of what I mean when I speak. All I see and feel is just the pounding in my skull that lets me know I'm still alive.
I want to dream, so badly.
So very badly.
I need to fly and just fly away.
Out of this house, out of this life and go anywhere.
Most of all, just to have these lies die.
To stop the bleeding from my ears and just lay down and let my tears carry me off to sleep, there is no comfort to be found for those who wonder with no end in sight.
I have screamed my throat raw and cried into soundless sobs.
Here it is, the vast circle of nothingness I'm staring into.
I won't lie and say I see more than what the truth is and what little I see is more than I ever wanted.
I need out, out of this way, out of this life, out of everything.
Silence for once.
No more responses, no more confusion, no more feeling my heart just rip itself out of confused agony. And, over what?
This.
This?
This.
My sincerity is so false that I am no longer aware of what I mean when I speak. All I see and feel is just the pounding in my skull that lets me know I'm still alive.
I want to dream, so badly.
So very badly.
I need to fly and just fly away.
Out of this house, out of this life and go anywhere.
Most of all, just to have these lies die.
To stop the bleeding from my ears and just lay down and let my tears carry me off to sleep, there is no comfort to be found for those who wonder with no end in sight.
Closed Hands and the Night
I'm running out of words to even try to express how it is I'm feeling inside. Feeling such a weak and pathetic soul attempting life through this broken and sickly body. Every last chance to make a move towards doing the right gets sidelined by my own utterly pitiful attempts at mimicking the divine, a right I've never had a chance to even understand.
But, God, Father, I just can't carry this anymore.
I never wanted any of these, I never wanted this burden, this responsibility.
This fucking pain on my shoulders.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you more then I can say.
I despise you for creating me, for piecing me together and for holding my hand every moment of this damn life.
I want to renounce ever having known you, I want to spit in your face and just mock your death on the cross as being pitiful and useless.
I want you to see me, to really see me for once.
See this pitiful wretch you wanted to serve you, that you picked from among the crowds.
Are you looking? Are you fucking looking once? Seeing just what the hell it is you made? Are you even paying attention you annoying fuck? Do you see it? Do you feel the pain in my heart? Do you see the Hell my mind goes through every fucking time I see pain? Every damn time I'm forced to see my own limitations? To have to look in that damn mirror and see the fuck up I am? Do you see it? Can you feel the glass cutting into my heart? The pain of knowing how much I love you but how human I am and how much pain that causes? Don't you see how much I despise being your creation? That I desire nothing more then oblivion so I would no longer be face with the horror of choice and life?
Can you ever begin to see?
Do you want to?
Do you ever fucking care?
I mean, we have had some fairly fucked up genocides lately, that you aren't doing anything for. Much less the hungry, those sicker than me both in mind, body and soul.
And what do you do?
Just what the fuck do you do anymore?
Where the hell are you?
Why can't you fix things?
Why won't you come back now?
End this uselss world?
Fix the hurts, fix all this overwhelming pain that no one can really see? Or feel? Much less give a shit about.
Why?
Daddy, Father, why? You say you love us but where is the love? I don't care about shitles trite little sayings put forth by these other fools.
I don't care.
I don't want their comfort, yours is the only one I want.
Yours is the only love I NEED.
You are the only one I need, but it hurts so fucking much, to just love you and not feel it back.
I need you. Can't you see?
Can't you hear these prayers in this dark room?
In this dark soul?
Coming from one so broken and jaded, unable to function.
Jesus Christ, I love you. I need you. I am nothing. I would renounce my humanity at once just to be with you. The maker of my soul and this body, my only hope, my only love, my only existence.
I've no use for words, for cliches, for all these meaningless books and tapes that serve to do nothing but try to reduce your infinite nature down to something human made and controlled.
Please, please, please remember. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this path feeling alone, that no one can understand or want to understand me. I hate this world, I hate this road, I hate this path. I'm breaking down and it feels like everything inside of me is spinning out of control and ripping me apart further.
No amount of bullshit spouted by people is going to help me.
Only you can.
You are the only love I want lord, my love, my liege, my only one.
Move my soul to peace, break me into a million pieces just so we can be closer, I can't stand this distance and the burning tears it causes.
Can't you see what this love has done?
Has done and is doing to me?
The pain?
The apathy?
Fuck man, can't you see?
Do you care?
Where are you when this pain is going to drown me?
When all the fucking pills won't do a thing?
I can't think it out.
I can't take it.
I just need you, do you understand?
Every moment to pass, every second on this clock is just ticking this time away. Every moment a moment passing without you as close as you could be.
And this soul of mine just dies more.
Just dies by not being connected to the only source of life, of love and hope.
Oh Jesus, just let this die.
Let this all just die.
But, God, Father, I just can't carry this anymore.
I never wanted any of these, I never wanted this burden, this responsibility.
This fucking pain on my shoulders.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you more then I can say.
I despise you for creating me, for piecing me together and for holding my hand every moment of this damn life.
I want to renounce ever having known you, I want to spit in your face and just mock your death on the cross as being pitiful and useless.
I want you to see me, to really see me for once.
See this pitiful wretch you wanted to serve you, that you picked from among the crowds.
Are you looking? Are you fucking looking once? Seeing just what the hell it is you made? Are you even paying attention you annoying fuck? Do you see it? Do you feel the pain in my heart? Do you see the Hell my mind goes through every fucking time I see pain? Every damn time I'm forced to see my own limitations? To have to look in that damn mirror and see the fuck up I am? Do you see it? Can you feel the glass cutting into my heart? The pain of knowing how much I love you but how human I am and how much pain that causes? Don't you see how much I despise being your creation? That I desire nothing more then oblivion so I would no longer be face with the horror of choice and life?
Can you ever begin to see?
Do you want to?
Do you ever fucking care?
I mean, we have had some fairly fucked up genocides lately, that you aren't doing anything for. Much less the hungry, those sicker than me both in mind, body and soul.
And what do you do?
Just what the fuck do you do anymore?
Where the hell are you?
Why can't you fix things?
Why won't you come back now?
End this uselss world?
Fix the hurts, fix all this overwhelming pain that no one can really see? Or feel? Much less give a shit about.
Why?
Daddy, Father, why? You say you love us but where is the love? I don't care about shitles trite little sayings put forth by these other fools.
I don't care.
I don't want their comfort, yours is the only one I want.
Yours is the only love I NEED.
You are the only one I need, but it hurts so fucking much, to just love you and not feel it back.
I need you. Can't you see?
Can't you hear these prayers in this dark room?
In this dark soul?
Coming from one so broken and jaded, unable to function.
Jesus Christ, I love you. I need you. I am nothing. I would renounce my humanity at once just to be with you. The maker of my soul and this body, my only hope, my only love, my only existence.
I've no use for words, for cliches, for all these meaningless books and tapes that serve to do nothing but try to reduce your infinite nature down to something human made and controlled.
Please, please, please remember. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this path feeling alone, that no one can understand or want to understand me. I hate this world, I hate this road, I hate this path. I'm breaking down and it feels like everything inside of me is spinning out of control and ripping me apart further.
No amount of bullshit spouted by people is going to help me.
Only you can.
You are the only love I want lord, my love, my liege, my only one.
Move my soul to peace, break me into a million pieces just so we can be closer, I can't stand this distance and the burning tears it causes.
Can't you see what this love has done?
Has done and is doing to me?
The pain?
The apathy?
Fuck man, can't you see?
Do you care?
Where are you when this pain is going to drown me?
When all the fucking pills won't do a thing?
I can't think it out.
I can't take it.
I just need you, do you understand?
Every moment to pass, every second on this clock is just ticking this time away. Every moment a moment passing without you as close as you could be.
And this soul of mine just dies more.
Just dies by not being connected to the only source of life, of love and hope.
Oh Jesus, just let this die.
Let this all just die.
Severed Nerves
This audio static tickling in your ear
is one of the last life lines
holding me up
keeping me afloat
holding me up in this damnable
ocean that is bleeding red with every wave.
It's like every scream
with every breath
is never just enough
to keep things going
in any way but the one,
the very one I hate.
I can't loose this rage,
this anger at every failure
I see in the morning
every day I live.
Loosing the pain
means loosing my identity
of hatred towards
this beast,
this creature under my skin.
This fetid beast
that reeks of only Hell fire
and its rotten teeth.
Pungent, the smell of sulfur.
Overwhelming when it is this close,
close enough to see the endless white
and the limitless figure enshrined in it.
Take this hand,
if you will.
Take me soul too.
Lead me close
because I'm faint.
Every heart beat
is just fainter
than the last.
The compromise in my soul
cannot express the imperfect love
I hold for one so dear.
All I have are words
and acts of love
poorly disguised
unable to hide this
disgusting pride,
this lust for more,
this rage
this need for more
to own this world.
And be drunk off the high
and have nothing but this pain
to keep my company.
To rule in my rage and be lost
in everything possible
just so I'm spared
the agony of choice and freedom.
Quite honestly I hate you
for loving me.
I hate you for wasting blood on my soul,
I hate you for choosing me
when there was nothing left for me but you.
I don't want anything but to be hated,
reviled as the beast I see myself as
just so I can prove you wrong
and see you loose
and not have to deal with your pain
that is my pain
just because I can't control my tongue
and just be an adult
be a grown up and tell people
how much I can't stand this life
and the ways it always fails.
How shallow my love is
and how incompatible I am with this life.
I'm so tired of all these voices,
just begging for attention
and for my soul.
Yahweh, love, savior,
pull me from this false pretension
and such hollow and damned words.
Forgot me not
and let me burn forever
in this fetid fire.
House forever in this stench
and unbearable lies.
My weakness my friend
but here I need you.
I don't want this life
or this pain anymore.
Please remove this burning splinter
from my mind,
take this burning sword
out of my side,
let the poison flow freely from my veins
and let me die.
But only in Your hands.
is one of the last life lines
holding me up
keeping me afloat
holding me up in this damnable
ocean that is bleeding red with every wave.
It's like every scream
with every breath
is never just enough
to keep things going
in any way but the one,
the very one I hate.
I can't loose this rage,
this anger at every failure
I see in the morning
every day I live.
Loosing the pain
means loosing my identity
of hatred towards
this beast,
this creature under my skin.
This fetid beast
that reeks of only Hell fire
and its rotten teeth.
Pungent, the smell of sulfur.
Overwhelming when it is this close,
close enough to see the endless white
and the limitless figure enshrined in it.
Take this hand,
if you will.
Take me soul too.
Lead me close
because I'm faint.
Every heart beat
is just fainter
than the last.
The compromise in my soul
cannot express the imperfect love
I hold for one so dear.
All I have are words
and acts of love
poorly disguised
unable to hide this
disgusting pride,
this lust for more,
this rage
this need for more
to own this world.
And be drunk off the high
and have nothing but this pain
to keep my company.
To rule in my rage and be lost
in everything possible
just so I'm spared
the agony of choice and freedom.
Quite honestly I hate you
for loving me.
I hate you for wasting blood on my soul,
I hate you for choosing me
when there was nothing left for me but you.
I don't want anything but to be hated,
reviled as the beast I see myself as
just so I can prove you wrong
and see you loose
and not have to deal with your pain
that is my pain
just because I can't control my tongue
and just be an adult
be a grown up and tell people
how much I can't stand this life
and the ways it always fails.
How shallow my love is
and how incompatible I am with this life.
I'm so tired of all these voices,
just begging for attention
and for my soul.
Yahweh, love, savior,
pull me from this false pretension
and such hollow and damned words.
Forgot me not
and let me burn forever
in this fetid fire.
House forever in this stench
and unbearable lies.
My weakness my friend
but here I need you.
I don't want this life
or this pain anymore.
Please remove this burning splinter
from my mind,
take this burning sword
out of my side,
let the poison flow freely from my veins
and let me die.
But only in Your hands.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
