Severed Nerves

This audio static tickling in your ear
is one of the last life lines
holding me up
keeping me afloat
holding me up in this damnable
ocean that is bleeding red with every wave.

It's like every scream
with every breath
is never just enough
to keep things going
in any way but the one,
the very one I hate.

I can't loose this rage,
this anger at every failure
I see in the morning
every day I live.
Loosing the pain
means loosing my identity
of hatred towards
this beast,
this creature under my skin.
This fetid beast
that reeks of only Hell fire
and its rotten teeth.
Pungent, the smell of sulfur.
Overwhelming when it is this close,
close enough to see the endless white
and the limitless figure enshrined in it.

Take this hand,
if you will.
Take me soul too.
Lead me close
because I'm faint.
Every heart beat
is just fainter
than the last.

The compromise in my soul
cannot express the imperfect love
I hold for one so dear.

All I have are words
and acts of love
poorly disguised
unable to hide this
disgusting pride,
this lust for more,
this rage
this need for more
to own this world.
And be drunk off the high
and have nothing but this pain
to keep my company.
To rule in my rage and be lost
in everything possible
just so I'm spared
the agony of choice and freedom.

Quite honestly I hate you
for loving me.
I hate you for wasting blood on my soul,
I hate you for choosing me
when there was nothing left for me but you.
I don't want anything but to be hated,
reviled as the beast I see myself as
just so I can prove you wrong
and see you loose
and not have to deal with your pain
that is my pain
just because I can't control my tongue
and just be an adult
be a grown up and tell people
how much I can't stand this life
and the ways it always fails.
How shallow my love is
and how incompatible I am with this life.

I'm so tired of all these voices,
just begging for attention
and for my soul.
Yahweh, love, savior,
pull me from this false pretension
and such hollow and damned words.
Forgot me not
and let me burn forever
in this fetid fire.
House forever in this stench
and unbearable lies.

My weakness my friend
but here I need you.
I don't want this life
or this pain anymore.

Please remove this burning splinter
from my mind,
take this burning sword
out of my side,
let the poison flow freely from my veins
and let me die.
But only in Your hands.