Closed Hands and the Night

I'm running out of words to even try to express how it is I'm feeling inside. Feeling such a weak and pathetic soul attempting life through this broken and sickly body. Every last chance to make a move towards doing the right gets sidelined by my own utterly pitiful attempts at mimicking the divine, a right I've never had a chance to even understand.

But, God, Father, I just can't carry this anymore.

I never wanted any of these, I never wanted this burden, this responsibility.
This fucking pain on my shoulders.
I hate you.
I fucking hate you more then I can say.
I despise you for creating me, for piecing me together and for holding my hand every moment of this damn life.
I want to renounce ever having known you, I want to spit in your face and just mock your death on the cross as being pitiful and useless.
I want you to see me, to really see me for once.
See this pitiful wretch you wanted to serve you, that you picked from among the crowds.

Are you looking? Are you fucking looking once? Seeing just what the hell it is you made? Are you even paying attention you annoying fuck? Do you see it? Do you feel the pain in my heart? Do you see the Hell my mind goes through every fucking time I see pain? Every damn time I'm forced to see my own limitations? To have to look in that damn mirror and see the fuck up I am? Do you see it? Can you feel the glass cutting into my heart? The pain of knowing how much I love you but how human I am and how much pain that causes? Don't you see how much I despise being your creation? That I desire nothing more then oblivion so I would no longer be face with the horror of choice and life?

Can you ever begin to see?
Do you want to?
Do you ever fucking care?
I mean, we have had some fairly fucked up genocides lately, that you aren't doing anything for. Much less the hungry, those sicker than me both in mind, body and soul.

And what do you do?
Just what the fuck do you do anymore?
Where the hell are you?
Why can't you fix things?
Why won't you come back now?
End this uselss world?
Fix the hurts, fix all this overwhelming pain that no one can really see? Or feel? Much less give a shit about.
Why?
Daddy, Father, why? You say you love us but where is the love? I don't care about shitles trite little sayings put forth by these other fools.
I don't care.
I don't want their comfort, yours is the only one I want.
Yours is the only love I NEED.
You are the only one I need, but it hurts so fucking much, to just love you and not feel it back.
I need you. Can't you see?
Can't you hear these prayers in this dark room?
In this dark soul?
Coming from one so broken and jaded, unable to function.

Jesus Christ, I love you. I need you. I am nothing. I would renounce my humanity at once just to be with you. The maker of my soul and this body, my only hope, my only love, my only existence.

I've no use for words, for cliches, for all these meaningless books and tapes that serve to do nothing but try to reduce your infinite nature down to something human made and controlled.

Please, please, please remember. I don't know how much longer I can keep going on this path feeling alone, that no one can understand or want to understand me. I hate this world, I hate this road, I hate this path. I'm breaking down and it feels like everything inside of me is spinning out of control and ripping me apart further.

No amount of bullshit spouted by people is going to help me.
Only you can.
You are the only love I want lord, my love, my liege, my only one.
Move my soul to peace, break me into a million pieces just so we can be closer, I can't stand this distance and the burning tears it causes.
Can't you see what this love has done?
Has done and is doing to me?
The pain?
The apathy?
Fuck man, can't you see?
Do you care?
Where are you when this pain is going to drown me?
When all the fucking pills won't do a thing?
I can't think it out.
I can't take it.
I just need you, do you understand?

Every moment to pass, every second on this clock is just ticking this time away. Every moment a moment passing without you as close as you could be.
And this soul of mine just dies more.

Just dies by not being connected to the only source of life, of love and hope.

Oh Jesus, just let this die.

Let this all just die.